Venting Nihilistic spiraling caused psychotic dissociation

[19andOverdue]

went on a binge of existential content this morning and right before work I started dissociating and panicking like an lsd trip. I'm at work now and I feel like a carcass. I'm not prone to psychotic breaks, but I do have heavy delusions and mood swings. I'm also chronically suicidal, it consumes my mind 24/7, but right now it's really strong and overwhelming. The less I act on these thoughts the more guilty I am that I'm alive, and I'm ashamed of myself for being a coward to my mind. My body and mind are two separate entities, one is always trying to kill the other, and the only way I'm able to quiet these emotions is by forgetting I have a mind at all. I have to be purely body. But I hate my body… so fucking much.

 

[September Salt]

It sounds like you're reallly struggling. I hope you can resolve it. How do you feel about getting some counseling?

 

[19andOverdue]

It sounds like you're reallly struggling. I hope you can resolve it. How do you feel about getting some counseling?

I've been in counseling on and off for years. It works as a crisis support, but no one can calm me down or make me feel okay. I always just end up crying my eyes out and hating myself afterwards

 

[September Salt]

How about meds? Sometimes they help and sometimes they make things worse.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@19andOverdue I've had that too-I started freaking out thinking existential things and making myself panic. Just try and stay away from that sort of thinking or reading for a while and be around people more is my advice...

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I feel you. Once you become an alien it's hard to go back to join the human race. Maybe impossible.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really can be torture and I'm sorry that you suffer so much. I cannot imagine how hard it must be, having to go through that. I hope that you find relief.

 

[its-about-time]

I feel you. Once you become an alien it's hard to go back to join the human race. Maybe impossible.

Right on the mark… I don't believe I'm an alien like I used to but I have never been able to feel like a human again since then, and that was years ago… if anything I've been abandoned by the mission and now I'm just stuck here. Not a person, but forced to live like one. Ugh.