I wish I had stumbled across this forum along time ago. But I suppose there is a reason I found it now. Because I know I have reached the end. I was born female. I have always felt different to most of my gender. I am almost 40 and I was moved around so much that I never lived anywhere for more than 1 year my entire life because my mother, as much as I love her, is emotionally unstable. It left me in a state of perpetual flux even well into adulthood. My only other sibling escaped early in age because she could hold it together much better than I could. She went off to Yale and made a family for herself and successful life. I had been depressed for so long because I hadn't achieved the same things although knowing I had the intellectual capabilities. But my hunger for human connection in the form of a group, of fitting in, had overshadowed every other thing in life until I realized I could never have it because I was robbed of stability. I had such a tragic life worth ending, but I kept pushing because I imagined money would solve my problems. So, I made a lot of it. And even after making over 200K/year from being ABSOLUTELY piss poor, I still felt the same pointlessness to life. Nothing changed. I got on antidepressants. It got me moving. Gave me a zest I lacked previously. But it didn't give life a point. It just allowed me to live in my distractions. I never chose to have children. But I was born into such a small family that I didn't anticipate that the choice to not build a family of my own would completely isolate and ostracize me because I also lacked a true support system. No support system, nomadic life so dizzying I wake up disoriented for at least 5 seconds wondering where I am everyday, no kids, no close family connections except for my mother who made my life this way, no partner (as I can't have a successful relationship with no friends and for a long time it was no friends and no money), nothing but wasting time outside of work. Work is my only social interaction. And it's superficial. I speak to people when I go and buy things. Or to my patients, as I am a nurse. I save lives because I could not save my own. And it is now coming to a close. But not because I am sad anymore and hopeless. Not because I am still in pain. I have accepted my solitude. But because I have done all I am meant to do in this lifetime for my lifetime. I made the money. I had the loves. I learned the lessons. I struggled but then I worked hard in the later part of my life and made something of myself. I drive a luxury car, live in a luxury apartment alone, and I go to work all so that I can come back home and sleep, eat, clean myself, and defecate comfortably. I recognize society pushes us to hold onto life as long as possible and have kids and strive for money, etc, all to keep this capitalist system afloat. If we all realized we were literally being distracted to death, we'd jump ship! Luckily for me, I was not filled with too much religious dogma to solidify the messages our society hopes will be ingrained enough to allow us to endure the worst pain and torture and still choose life, having faith it means something greater. Sadly, I literally studied all the religions in the world and there is no one in the sky that's going to give us some fancy life after life or whatever else we are told as kids so we fall in line. Life is perspective and can be whatever we choose. Belief is powerful but you can't trick your mind into believing something. You have to truly believe it.
But enough of my ramble. I puchased a 9mm handgun. I was going for the shotgun but I got sold on the handgun. Going with the hollow point ammunition. I know the exact method of insertion and angle as I have been researching for years and also familiar with anatomy. I won't detail it here only because I see so many sad souls who only need someone to talk to and may decide to do something on impulse and can't live with the fact that I may aid that indirectly. I don't judge the reasons for others to end their lives. But I only suggest it not be an impulse decision. My decision has literally been 16 years in the making (10 years to live and see if I was being dramatic) and 6 years of getting my life exactly where I wanted it to be before I went. Because I did not want my life to be a tragic story. We get to write our own stories and I wanted my story to be about how I overcame the physical abuse, nomadic life, sexual abuse, sexual assault, robbery, mugging, poverty, and I became a respectable member of the community as opposed to being consumed by it. Unfortunately, my life serves no more purpose and my few members of family will not be able to understand.
I hope to help them to understand in my last messages to them which I plan to convey my good spirits. Of course I am afraid but they won't know that. I want to ease their suffering as much as possible. And that is why I've held on this long. So I could die as someone my mother is proud of.
10 days until I can pick up my gun. Plenty of time for last minute affairs. :) I just am not sure where to end it. I live alone but no one would find me for months, I imagine. I have no one who checks on me. No one who calls me regularly. My phone never rings. In fact, when it does I know it is a business call or scammer. I also don't know if I want to be confined in a room. I think I want to be out in nature. Any suggestions on a location? I live in Southern California.
Thanks for reading.
But enough of my ramble. I puchased a 9mm handgun. I was going for the shotgun but I got sold on the handgun. Going with the hollow point ammunition. I know the exact method of insertion and angle as I have been researching for years and also familiar with anatomy. I won't detail it here only because I see so many sad souls who only need someone to talk to and may decide to do something on impulse and can't live with the fact that I may aid that indirectly. I don't judge the reasons for others to end their lives. But I only suggest it not be an impulse decision. My decision has literally been 16 years in the making (10 years to live and see if I was being dramatic) and 6 years of getting my life exactly where I wanted it to be before I went. Because I did not want my life to be a tragic story. We get to write our own stories and I wanted my story to be about how I overcame the physical abuse, nomadic life, sexual abuse, sexual assault, robbery, mugging, poverty, and I became a respectable member of the community as opposed to being consumed by it. Unfortunately, my life serves no more purpose and my few members of family will not be able to understand.
I hope to help them to understand in my last messages to them which I plan to convey my good spirits. Of course I am afraid but they won't know that. I want to ease their suffering as much as possible. And that is why I've held on this long. So I could die as someone my mother is proud of.
10 days until I can pick up my gun. Plenty of time for last minute affairs. :) I just am not sure where to end it. I live alone but no one would find me for months, I imagine. I have no one who checks on me. No one who calls me regularly. My phone never rings. In fact, when it does I know it is a business call or scammer. I also don't know if I want to be confined in a room. I think I want to be out in nature. Any suggestions on a location? I live in Southern California.
Thanks for reading.
