New

[Ava]

Hi I'm new. I will try not to bore you but give a quick idea of who I am.

Abandoned by both parents at 9 months. From 2 yrs old to 16 molested by every man in my family.

Strangers, boys at school, and teachers. My step father impregnated me twice 12 yrs old n 13.

I told when I was 9. I was told that's what girls go thru. 9 was my 1st suicide attempt. After that I became the bad one for telling so I got tossed home to home feeling their disdain.

Met my mom when I was 12. She was beautiful picking flowers.. she paused.. looked at me and said she hated me and wish I was never born. I felt myself die on those steps that day.

I have 100s of abuse stories that explain why I died long ago. But I can't change the past. I can't make anyone love me. I can't make anyone protect me

I've tried therapy, meds, dbt.. I am finally resigned that my life has been painful, my life has been spent making others happy. I want to do what I want to do for me .. out of mercy.. I want to choose my own death.

I've had over 20 attempts always waking up in the hospital. I do it impulsively so never plan it out.

Im tired of waking up. I wont do it unless I'm 100% sure. Right now my means are a sturdy metal bunk bed. A belt. Maybe some sleeping pills to fall asleep into the belt.

Is this viable? Which artery? I know one takes longer because it stops the heart. The other side you pass out quicker.

And sorry for being new but what does SN mean? Is it a more full proof plan to finally free me from this pain?

Im not a victim. But what happened to me broke me and I will never be the me I could of been.

I was sober on cutting for a year. Tonight theres so much pain I cut again.

Please this is a place I can truly talk about whats inside me without mustering a fake smile and saying " I'm fine"

 

[Someone123]

Hi I'm new. I will try not to bore you but give a quick idea of who I am.

Abandoned by both parents at 9 months. From 2 yrs old to 16 molested by every man in my family.

Strangers, boys at school, and teachers. My step father impregnated me twice 12 yrs old n 13.

I told when I was 9. I was told that's what girls go thru. 9 was my 1st suicide attempt. After that I became the bad one for telling so I got tossed home to home feeling their disdain.

Met my mom when I was 12. She was beautiful picking flowers.. she paused.. looked at me and said she hated me and wish I was never born. I felt myself die on those steps that day.

I have 100s of abuse stories that explain why I died long ago. But I can't change the past. I can't make anyone love me. I can't make anyone protect me

I've tried therapy, meds, dbt.. I am finally resigned that my life has been painful, my life has been spent making others happy. I want to do what I want to do for me .. out of mercy.. I want to choose my own death.

I've had over 20 attempts always waking up in the hospital. I do it impulsively so never plan it out.

Im tired of waking up. I wont do it unless I'm 100% sure. Right now my means are a sturdy metal bunk bed. A belt. Maybe some sleeping pills to fall asleep into the belt.

Is this viable? Which artery? I know one takes longer because it stops the heart. The other side you pass out quicker.

And sorry for being new but what does SN mean? Is it a more full proof plan to finally free me from this pain?

Im not a victim. But what happened to me broke me and I will never be the me I could of been.

I was sober on cutting for a year. Tonight theres so much pain I cut again.

Please this is a place I can truly talk about whats inside me without mustering a fake smile and saying " I'm fine"

I am very sorry for all of your pain. SN refers to sodium nitrate, which is something some people use to ctb (catch the bus is the expression). There are details on using SN in something called Stan's Guide which is on this site. I have mixed feelings about this method, especially because getting certain medications- especially an antiemetic to try to prevent vomiting- may not be possible for a lot of people. If you can get this it is more viable. There are still mixed reviews on this method, I'm just not sure about it. The younger you are the more chance that maybe life will get better, but the whole situation is your judgment call- you've been through more than most people so I understand wanting to stop the pain any way you can. There i something they call megathreads for various methods - following is a link to them- one is a hanging megathread - there are so many plusses and minuses of each method, I hope you find peace and some relief from your pain somehow.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[haibiantou]

This absolutely a safe space and there is no need for you to mask anything you feel or want to say. None of us are fine here, we are all trying to find a way and get a moment's peace.
I can't offer any particular advice re the belt and arteries etc, but I hope you can find a way that is secure and works for you. We are here to listen and support as best we can.

 

[wereqryan]

And sorry for being new but what does SN mean? Is it a more full proof plan to finally free me from this pain?

Sodium Nitrite. It is the most discussed method here. No method is full proof or without risk, however some are definitely easier to execute than others. The best method is ingesting Nembutal but it is very expensive and very hard to get a hold of. SN is easier but there is risk of vomiting so antiemetics are recommended.

 

[Ava]

Thank you everyone for the valuable information

 

[Dot]

I am very sorry for all of your pain. SN refers to sodium nitrate, which is something some people use to ctb (catch the bus is the expression). There are details on using SN in something called Stan's Guide which is on this site. I have mixed feelings about this method, especially because getting certain medications- especially an antiemetic to try to prevent vomiting- may not be possible for a lot of people. If you can get this it is more viable. There are still mixed reviews on this method, I'm just not sure about it. The younger you are the more chance that maybe life will get better, but the whole situation is your judgment call- you've been through more than most people so I understand wanting to stop the pain any way you can. There i something they call megathreads for various methods - following is a link to them- one is a hanging megathread - there are so many plusses and minuses of each method, I hope you find peace and some relief from your pain somehow.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

1 correction - is Nitrite as opposed Nitrate. Wrong substance not work.

 

[Someone123]

1 correction - is Nitrite as opposed Nitrate. Wrong substance not work.

Sorry I did mean nitrite.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much and have been through that. I understand it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. Life is just so cruel. If only there was an option to just disappear. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Pluto]

Sorry to hear about what you went through. I wish I could have been there to protect you. That alone would have made my life worth something. I relate to what you say about feeling too broken to continue functioning. The idea of experiencing love has become at best an intellectual theory. In my case I was a boy who was endlessly emotionally abused by sisters, but the end result is somewhat similar.

If it's possible to save a few bob, N is regarded as the best method. I've just about saved enough so it's just a matter of putting my affairs in order.

 

[Kennish]

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear about your story. I hope you find the peace you're looking for

 

[8evergo]

i think with your everbody will your CTB partner