Story New to this forum, not sure how long I will last anymore.

[Matti]

Hello everyone,

I have been following this forum for a while. Now I finally signed up to discuss my final thoughts. I had decided to give my life one last chance, but regarding of how things have developed lately, I'm almost convinced that I will CTB, I just don't know when it will happen yet.

I'm a male, 28 years old. English is not my first language, so I apologize for any errors. Up until the start of 2019 my life has been pretty good. I was taking my education, working meanwhile and I had a girlfriend. I have non of this anymore. After a lot of years of studying, I had 1 last exam remaining. But after a lot of thought, I decided to not go to the exam and afterwards ultimately drop out of my education. Shortly after I quit my job, since my job was what my education was leading towards. I just lost my passion and couldn't see my self working with that at all.

So I decided to take some months off to figure out what I was gonna do. I sort of started to isolate my self more and more, was never in a good mood and got more and more into a deep black hole. Now comes the part that really got me over the edge: I had a wonderful girlfriend. We had been together for 9 years. We met when I was only 18, she 17 and it was love at first sight. In 2014 we moved in together. She wanted to marry me, have kids with me and I wanted the same thing. We just wanted to wait till the time was right.

In june she broke up with me. Even though things hadn't been going very good lately it still came as a HUGE chok to me. I tried and tried, but nothing could change her mind. She hadn't met someone else, she said she had just lost all feelings for me and that we had grew apart. Since the apartment we lived in was mostly hers, I also lost my home and had to move back to my parents. I stayed there for a couple of months, before ending up in my own small apartment. Despite of how completely broken I was, we had a very healthy break up. I didn't get mad at her, no yelling, no texting or calling her all the time. Just a lot of crying. The weeks after the break up we could talk a lot on the phone and be very caring to each other. But suddenly she became much "colder". I tried doing the "no contact" thing, as that was my best shot of getting her back. I didn't work.

Some month went by, my mental health got worse and worse. Dark thoughts entered my mind and finally I had to go see my doctor. After a conversation with her, she forwarded me instantly to a psyc ward, as I had a severe depression and I might hurt myself. I was only there for a couple of days though, and started a treatment afterwards.

I think about my ex ALL the time. All day. Wondering what she's doing, who's she's with. If she ever thinks of me. I always came up with a plan for my self to win her back. That gave me hope and was the only thing that got me going. Last Saturday everything went to hell. All this time, I could NEVER imagine her searching for someone else. After all, she had just come out of a 9 year long relationship and said she needed time for her self. Well, I found out she had a tinder profile. The same night her and some guy started following each other on Instagram. This might sound silly, but I can always connect her new followers to work/friends etc. and that there is nothing to fear. But not this time. In all these months since she left me, that was the moment I had feared the most. That she is probably seeing someone else now.

So this Wednesday I texted her. Just a short: "I'm thinking a lot about you... Hope you are doing well". That's all I wrote. She ignored it. No answer. I had at least imagined she would answer something. It's a desperate situation now, and the hope that got me through the days is gone.

So in about 11 months, I lost my education, lost my job, lost my girlfriend, lost my home, got a severe depression and lost all hope. There are no signs of anything getting better. I can't even think of being with someone else. If I try to imagine myself happy again, I feel that my happiness ALWAYS will stand in the shadow of the thought of her being happy with someone else. I can't live like this. I try to sleep all day, as being awake is unbearable. The only thing that holds me from CTB is my parents and my grandmother + grandad. They love me more than anything. There is no other person in this world that holds me from this. I told my "best friend" months ago that I had a severe depression. I've heard from him once. My other "friends" I have no contact to.

I'm so sorry for this long post. If anyone read through it, THANK YOU so much. Just telling my story is a short relief of the pain. The weekend is by far the hardest part of the week. I know she work A LOT week days - in the weekend, I can only imagine what she's doing. It just tears me apart.

You can ask me anything if you like. I wish you all the best.

*The method I'm planning to use is SN. I need to do more research yet to feel comfortable. Also, I'm on 3 different anti-depressiv meds, I can't figure out if that will complicate things.

 

[CaptainT]

Reading your story @Matti is like a reflection of mine on many levels, I feel your pain like my pain. Losing everything in just a few months and now being in a dark place. I just wanted to say that I'm in a situation like yours and I understand your suffering. I hope we both find a peaceful way out of this dark forest.

 

[SoupSnakes]

So sorry to read all of this. I hope you find peace whatever and whenever you choose to go x

 

[Matti]

Reading your story @Matti is like a reflection of mine on many levels, I feel your pain like my pain. Losing everything in just a few months and now being in a dark place. I just wanted to say that I'm in a situation like yours and I understand your suffering. I hope we both find a peaceful way out of this dark forest.

Thank you @CaptainT. I'm so sorry that you are going through something similar. I've read many articles and discussions regarding heartbreak, where it can be so hard to relate. Like no one really understands my situation. Even though people are trying to help, all the "there are other fish in the sea", "just don't think about her", "seeing other people helps" is just not what this is. I even read an article that stated that according to science, it would take max 10 weeks to get over a heartbreak. I can't even begin to say how wrong it is.

So thank you very much for sharing, I wish you all the best!

So sorry to read all of this. I hope you find peace whatever and whenever you choose to go x

Thank you, it really means a lot.

 

[Lonely789]

I completely understand your situation. I'm going through the same thing you are. Nothing can prepare you when you get blindsided by the love of your life.

Hugs

 

[BrokenAngel8]

I lost mine earlier this year as well, although mine was "only" 5 years of commitments. He was my everything. He helped me get through my depression, took me to every psychiatrist appointments, rushed to my place whenever I had dark thoughts, stayed there on the other side of the classroom door, only to make sure I was okay and got through my classes, and eventually got my degree. Things weren't the best since last year, but when he finally said he lost the spark, I lost my soul.

My biggest regret is that I feel I might be holding him down all these times. I rely on him way too much. Told myself many times that he deserves better, still fucking hurts when I saw him on socmed sharing holiday photos with his friends smiling ear to ear. I am accepting the fact that I might never be back with him again, nor I would find anyone I love and loved me the way he did, but I still find myself dreaming about him and crying over him too many times.

It hurts. It really does.

 

[noctiva]

Hei @Matti, I hear you on every level. I have lost my partner, my family and my best friend in a span of less than 2 months. I think about my partner, his children and mom all the time. I wonder how they are, what is going on, where they are, if they are well, if they are happy... and then, why I wasn't worthy to be part of my family, why I wasn't good enough to be accepted anymore, what have I done? I honestly, honestly do not know!
I'm wrecking my brain trying to figure it out, trying to understand, trying to figure out how I can undo it. How I can be worthy of their love and affection and acceptance again. And I cannot see a way, I cannot see a way forwards.
I am so broken now, I'm unable to cope, I'm unable to work, I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just want to go back home, just... 3 months back into the past and prevent it from happening! It's tearing me apart and I have nothing to keep myself from breaking.
I will instead die, because I cannot deal. If I would try, I feel like betraying them, like my love for them wasn't real, like my love for them wasn't worthy either. If I overcome them, what does that say about me, what does it say about them? I prefer to go before I betray them.
To deal, I would have to become a completely different person, so I would have to metaphorically die and assemble someone entirely different from the pieces. And I don't want that. I want to die as me, as the person they once cared about and loved. I just want to go home.

I'm sorry that turned more emotional than I intended, but it is entirely honest.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I'm so sorry for this long post. If anyone read through it, THANK YOU so much. Just telling my story is a short relief of the pain. The weekend is by far the hardest part of the week. I know she work A LOT week days - in the weekend, I can only imagine what she's doing. It just tears me apart.

Your story is heart-breaking. I've never succeeded at relationships, so I haven't any idea what to say. But I know pain and the terror of pain compounded by abandonment: "I told my 'best friend' months ago that I had a severe depression. I've heard from him once." Being depressed is having the modern version of the Black Plague. Yet we see all those mindless public service announcements advising us to talk to people, to reach out. Utter rubbish for many of us--unless you're already someone many people deeply value. And as an ultimate slap in the face, society makes it difficult for us to acquire either information on or the means to ending our lives painlessly.

If you want someone else to speak with about what you're feeling--or anything else--I'm happy to listen. Peace.

 

[CaptainT]

Hei @Matti, I hear you on every level. I have lost my partner, my family and my best friend in a span of less than 2 months. I think about my partner, his children and mom all the time. I wonder how they are, what is going on, where they are, if they are well, if they are happy... and then, why I wasn't worthy to be part of my family, why I wasn't good enough to be accepted anymore, what have I done? I honestly, honestly do not know!
I'm wrecking my brain trying to figure it out, trying to understand, trying to figure out how I can undo it. How I can be worthy of their love and affection and acceptance again. And I cannot see a way, I cannot see a way forwards.
I am so broken now, I'm unable to cope, I'm unable to work, I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just want to go back home, just... 3 months back into the past and prevent it from happening! It's tearing me apart and I have nothing to keep myself from breaking.
I will instead die, because I cannot deal. If I would try, I feel like betraying them, like my love for them wasn't real, like my love for them wasn't worthy either. If I overcome them, what does that say about me, what does it say about them? I prefer to go before I betray them.
To deal, I would have to become a completely different person, so I would have to metaphorically die and assemble someone entirely different from the pieces. And I don't want that. I want to die as me, as the person they once cared about and loved. I just want to go home.

I'm sorry that turned more emotional than I intended, but it is entirely honest.

I feel every word of that @noctiva. It's a cruel sick world when you are shown love, warmth, affection and then the door is closed and you are left looking through the window. What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened? I agree with your feelings of not being able to rebuild and do it all over again.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you for your kind words @CaptainT, I am so sorry you feel this way too. I don't know what happened either, so if I could go back in time, I'm afraid this would happen again, because I actually had no warning, I had no clue it was happening. We were perfectly fine one day, and literally the next day we weren't!
And starting over is not possible, not knowing what I've lost. I'd look for them, for my family, in every other person I could meet. My friends tell me to get over it, find a new family, there are plenty out there, find a new man, there are 3 billion to be had.... but.. that was my family, that was the one that was mine. There is only one of those. And I don't know what to do about that. All I can keep saying is I love you, I miss you, please allow me back in... but it doesn't mean anything.

Matti: Are you from HEL as well, just guessing based on the name? En puhu suomea though, but feel free to reach out via PM.

 

[Matti]

I just got home from my parents house and read your messages. It is so heart-warming to see, I am very grateful for all you people. This was the first time I really left my "bed" since Saturday where everything got a lot worse. I'm saying "bed" cause I'm actually just sleeping on my couch in the livingroom. I have a bed at my parent's that I keep on delaying to move. I'm not exactly sure why, I guess that when my apartment is all done and I'm settled, this becomes more real. Somehow I still find all this impossible to believe and I guess I'm in some way trying to deny all this. How did all this happen?

I'm always feeling extra emotional after being with my parents. This has become a weekly thing, that I eat at their house on Fridays. My Fridays used to be with my girlfriend or friends. Not that I don't want to be with my parents, but I just feel pathetic. Also, they know I have a severe depression, but they don't know how worse my situation is. I just can't tell them. I know they are also in pain to see me like this and it just hurts so much to know they would do anything to make it better, but nothing works. I have no siblings, that is also something I'm thinking about a lot if I chose to CTB. I know it hurts just as much for parents with more kids, no doubt, but it's still something I'm struggling with as they only have me.

I completely understand your situation. I'm going through the same thing you are. Nothing can prepare you when you get blindsided by the love of your life.

Hugs

Thank you for reading and for your understanding, means a lot. I'm so sorry you are going through the same, I had never thought anything could make things so bad.

I lost mine earlier this year as well, although mine was "only" 5 years of commitments. He was my everything. He helped me get through my depression, took me to every psychiatrist appointments, rushed to my place whenever I had dark thoughts, stayed there on the other side of the classroom door, only to make sure I was okay and got through my classes, and eventually got my degree. Things weren't the best since last year, but when he finally said he lost the spark, I lost my soul.

My biggest regret is that I feel I might be holding him down all these times. I rely on him way too much. Told myself many times that he deserves better, still fucking hurts when I saw him on socmed sharing holiday photos with his friends smiling ear to ear. I am accepting the fact that I might never be back with him again, nor I would find anyone I love and loved me the way he did, but I still find myself dreaming about him and crying over him too many times.

It hurts. It really does.

It really hurts, I feel you. 5 years is also a really long time. I really hope things will get better for you soon. And I can totally relate, every night she is in my dreams some way or another.

Hei @Matti, I hear you on every level. I have lost my partner, my family and my best friend in a span of less than 2 months. I think about my partner, his children and mom all the time. I wonder how they are, what is going on, where they are, if they are well, if they are happy... and then, why I wasn't worthy to be part of my family, why I wasn't good enough to be accepted anymore, what have I done? I honestly, honestly do not know!
I'm wrecking my brain trying to figure it out, trying to understand, trying to figure out how I can undo it. How I can be worthy of their love and affection and acceptance again. And I cannot see a way, I cannot see a way forwards.
I am so broken now, I'm unable to cope, I'm unable to work, I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just want to go back home, just... 3 months back into the past and prevent it from happening! It's tearing me apart and I have nothing to keep myself from breaking.
I will instead die, because I cannot deal. If I would try, I feel like betraying them, like my love for them wasn't real, like my love for them wasn't worthy either. If I overcome them, what does that say about me, what does it say about them? I prefer to go before I betray them.
To deal, I would have to become a completely different person, so I would have to metaphorically die and assemble someone entirely different from the pieces. And I don't want that. I want to die as me, as the person they once cared about and loved. I just want to go home.

I'm sorry that turned more emotional than I intended, but it is entirely honest.

This is heartbreaking to read. I understand completely how you are feeling. I'm heading the same direction as you are it seems. I don't want to die, if I could chose I would go back in time and make things better, but I can't. I can give it another try, another and another... But nothing works. The pain can become too much, that choosing death might be the only bearable option.

Your story is heart-breaking. I've never succeeded at relationships, so I haven't any idea what to say. But I know pain and the terror of pain compounded by abandonment: "I told my 'best friend' months ago that I had a severe depression. I've heard from him once." Being depressed is having the modern version of the Black Plague. Yet we see all those mindless public service announcements advising us to talk to people, to reach out. Utter rubbish for many of us--unless you're already someone many people deeply value. And as an ultimate slap in the face, society makes it difficult for us to acquire either information on or the means to ending our lives painlessly.

If you want someone else to speak with about what you're feeling--or anything else--I'm happy to listen. Peace.

Thank you for your time. I will definitely remember your offer, I really appreciate it.

 

[Lotus1818]

Het Matti I read your story and I'm so sorry to hear this. When I lost my first love it took me a year to recover. She had another boyfriend within a week. But in the end it did get better for me.

Ofc your biggest problem is the fact that you constantly think about her. And I can't just simply tell you stop doing that. It's like breathing for you right now. This whole depression thing is just one giant spiral going down and many of us can't make it out of that spiral.

I'm not sure what to say. But if you want to talk I'm here for you. Allot of us here know your pain.

 

[Matti]

Het Matti I read your story and I'm so sorry to hear this. When I lost my first love it took me a year to recover. She had another boyfriend within a week. But in the end it did get better for me.

Ofc your biggest problem is the fact that you constantly think about her. And I can't just simply tell you stop doing that. It's like breathing for you right now. This whole depression thing is just one giant spiral going down and many of us can't make it out of that spiral.

I'm not sure what to say. But if you want to talk I'm here for you. Allot of us here know your pain.

Yes it is one giant spiral down indeed... But I really was able to tell myself that things would work out. I kept finding solutions and a way out. It has been exhausting, but it worked. Now I don't anymore, and that has completely broken the last of me. I'm still struggling to understand how she could do it. It's so many years, all the time, the memories, the connection. We had so much. How can she just chose to not want any more of that. And after such a healthy break up, how can she just turn her back completely and never look back. I've done nothing to her, and she even ignores the fact that I text to her that I hope she's doing well. I just don't get how a person can change like that in a matter of months.

 

[Matti]

Guys, I feel so bad. It's so unbearable. I'm thinking of ordering SN first thing next month when I get some money. Does anyone have ANY suggestion or idea to how I can make my waking hours less painful? I just have no idea anymore :( The things I used to do to get me through the days are not working anymore.

 

[Lotus1818]

Guys, I feel so bad. It's so unbearable. I'm thinking of ordering SN first thing next month when I get some money. Does anyone have ANY suggestion or idea to how I can make my waking hours less painful? I just have no idea anymore :( The things I used to do to get me through the days are not working anymore.

I ordered my SN yesterday. I made me a bit sick but I think it also gave me some calmness. Knowing that I have a bus ticket.

I know it's hard but your thinking brain is causing all these stress hormones to come out.

My friend suggested me to just walk outside a bit. I prefer to do that at night because I don't wanna see people

 

[Matti]

I ordered my SN yesterday. I made me a bit sick but I think it also gave me some calmness. Knowing that I have a bus ticket.

I know it's hard but your thinking brain is causing all these stress hormones to come out.

My friend suggested me to just walk outside a bit. I prefer to do that at night because I don't wanna see people

That's what I imagine it would feel like. I would be scared when I ordered it, but afterwards calm that I had an exit. Maybe it would make me last a bit longer. Regarding the walks, that's one of my methods that used to work for me. I found out that I'm best able to think while walking outside. I had a forest nearby where I met very few people. I walked for like 1,5 hour and used the time to organize my thoughts and make a plan. I found hope. It doesn't work anymore. Now after I moved, first of all I don't have the forest nearby anymore. Secondly, it's not working anymore since the plans I made gone wrong and things have gotten so desperate. If I ever walk now, I do it at night time as well.

 

[CaptainT]

That's what I imagine it would feel like. I would be scared when I ordered it, but afterwards calm that I had an exit. Maybe it would make me last a bit longer. Regarding the walks, that's one of my methods that used to work for me. I found out that I'm best able to think while walking outside. I had a forest nearby where I met very few people. I walked for like 1,5 hour and used the time to organize my thoughts and make a plan. I found hope. It doesn't work anymore. Now after I moved, first of all I don't have the forest nearby anymore. Secondly, it's not working anymore since the plans I made gone wrong and things have gotten so desperate. If I ever walk now, I do it at night time as well.

Sorry you're having a shitty day @Matti and the walks don't work anymore. Are you in Europe / UK where the weather and seasons make everything extra shit?

I've been so damaged from the end of my relationship/job that I was literally in bed all day every day for over a month. Being on SS and planning my exit kept me calm but sometimes it adds to the despair. But the people on here are so understanding. I'm not saying end it or don't end it. But do you have someone to talk to about your situation. DM me any time.