New to SS, hi!

[falloutcarter13]

I'm not gona lie I haven't read through all of this. But I'll catch up tomorrow. I still would like to welcome you to SS nonetheless!

Haha I appreciate your honesty sir or ma'am and thank you for the welcome! Hope to chat with you during my time here!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Haha I appreciate your honesty sir or ma'am and thank you for the welcome! Hope to chat with you during my time here!

Sir, and thank you! I'm sorry that life has brought you here. But we're here to do what we can, myself included.

 

[Sadkitty]

Your story seems so very much like mine in a lot of respects. Especially the never fitting in, the dui, the last like 8 years being crap and your ex cheating and leaving because of depression. Ugh.. I'm not big on words, but welcome to ss and I hope to chat with you soon.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Your story seems so very much like mine in a lot of respects. Especially the never fitting in, the dui, the last like 8 years being crap and your ex cheating and leaving because of depression. Ugh.. I'm not big on words, but welcome to ss and I hope to chat with you soon.

I'm sorry that your experience has been similar...because it sucks, right? Lol but thank you for the supportive reply, and I hope to talk with you more as well!!

 

[Imtiredofeverything]

Welcome and so many warm hugs from me! I'm sorry life has been so hard on you and wish you all the warmth...you have been so unbelievably strong. I'm new here too and have just been lurking since a few months and have found this forum to be so loving and resourceful....I hope I can return back some of the care 'cause we have had too much hurt. I hope you have peace and wish you well...

 

[falloutcarter13]

Welcome and so many warm hugs from me! I'm sorry life has been so hard on you and wish you all the warmth...you have been so unbelievably strong. I'm new here too and have just been lurking since a few months and have found this forum to be so loving and resourceful....I hope I can return back some of the care 'cause we have had too much hurt. I hope you have peace and wish you well...

Glad to have a fellow noob buddy here!! Well...of course I'm sorry about the circumstances, but hey, it is what it is, right? Thank you so much for the welcome and for reading my story, for caring and showing your care =)

 

[death becomes her]

Your story seems so very much like mine in a lot of respects. Especially the never fitting in, the dui, the last like 8 years being crap and your ex cheating and leaving because of depression.

exact same.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Your story seems so very much like mine in a lot of respects. Especially the never fitting in, the dui, the last like 8 years being crap and your ex cheating and leaving because of depression.

exact same.

Its wild, how short a time I've been a member here, but how much alike so many of us are...its a good feeling as I head toward the clearing at the end of the path. Not that others are suffering like me, but the feeling of not being alone and/or misunderstood

 

[Greenberg]

Its wild, how short a time I've been a member here, but how much alike so many of us are...its a good feeling as I head toward the clearing at the end of the path. Not that others are suffering like me, but the feeling of not being alone and/or misunderstood

In certain jurisdictions, there is a diversion process for cases related to mental health issues. From your OP, I believe your DUI charges are the result of such. Thus, there is the chance that you may not be given a long sentence but instead, given the option of rehabilitation. If you have made up your mind, however, I respect your decision. Please feel free to PM when you are approved. Cheers.

 

[falloutcarter13]

In certain jurisdictions, there is a diversion process for cases related to mental health issues. From your OP, I believe your DUI charges are the result of such. Thus, there is the chance that you may not be given a long sentence but instead, given the option of rehabilitation. If you have made up your mind, however, I respect your decision. Please feel free to PM when you are approved. Cheers.

I've been in and out of institutions before...two rehabs (one 30 day, one 90 day) and of course I'm no stranger to jail at this point, although my longest stay was 23 days in county, and I got through that when I was a much younger, dumber, and tougher person. I very much doubt it would even be presented as an option to me, given the fact that this is my third offense for the same thing and the two incidents happened so closely together. But even if a major miracle occurred and I didn't have to serve *any* time, I would still be ready to go. This whole situation has made me understand that only two things were stopping me - the lack of a relatively peaceful/reliable way to go, and having a "reason" that my family members would understand. That alone tells me that its just time to go. I'm so tired of fighting, I've been overmatched my whole life and fighting a fight I knew I could never win. Through this experience, I've also realized that the prospect of being dead doesn't scare me a bit - its my deep belief that after this is over, there's either nothing or something equal to or better than this. Its always been the process of dying itself that I'm fearful of, because I don't hate myself and I don't want to struggle or suffer. I know this is a selfish decision on many levels, but I've been being selfless for 35 years now simply by hanging in there and sticking around; I'm ready to give myself a break and let myself off the hook. All I want is to go peacefully and to have the chance to do my best to explain to my family why...and if I'm careful, meticulous, and brave, I feel I can achieve that. So...this book I just wrote you was all to say that yes, even if I didn't have to go to prison, I would still be ready to leave. I feel I've been here too long already.

Thank you ever so much for your concern, your welcoming personality, and for being compassionate and available. You're great and I appreciate you

 

[sadghost]

Hi! Welcome to SS! Your story is moving, and I empathize with your pain. I am so sorry for what you have been through, it definitely is a lot I really relate to feeling like you never fit in. I hope that you can find belonging and feel welcome here.

 

[whywere]

Like others have said, WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!! You will find warm,kind, and understanding people here. I am so sad and sorry for your pain.Whenever you need someone, remember we are here! Best of luck at whatever you decide.

 

[Sinai Silence]

Welcome to SS friend!

Thanks for sharing your story with us too, it sounds like you've dealt with a lot of struggles in life.

I hope you get to make the most of the time with friends and family whilst you're still here.

 

[Linda]

Hi all! I'm new to SS. At the time of writing this first post, my membership still hasn't been approved, actually, which is why my first post is a personal one. If I'd had the ability, I would have commented on so many of you peoples' bravery and honesty before ever posting about myself. This is one of the few places, online or off, that I've ever come across where I get the distinct feeling of relief that comes with knowing "wow, the people here aren't totally full of BS! lol.) In the days and possibly weeks to come, I will gladly be posting words of thanks, encouragement, and love on many of your posts and comments.

BUT, since the ability for me to do that is in the future, I'll start with letting you guys and gals get to know me a little. I'm a 35 yo male from the US. Ever since I was 12 or 13, I've had a strange, certain knowledge that when I left this planet, it would be my choice and by my own hand. In the years since, I've learned that almost every single male on my fathers side of the family - my father himself, his brother, their father, and *his* father - all committed suicide. My mother did too, a few years ago...the official cause of death was liver failure due to chronic alcohol abuse, but she was 100% aware that if she kept drinkng she would die, and she chose that path knowingly. In my book, that's just a very slow and very painful CTB. If suicide is somehow a genetic quality, then I've definitely inherited the gene.

I have *never* felt like I fit in, anywhere. I've always felt like I'm not supposed to be here at all, actually. Like I'm at a party I wasn't invited to, and I'm just fearfully waiting for someone to notice and throw me out. Since adolescence, I've felt/known that I am out of place, out of the right time, not where or when I'm supposed to be. As young as I can remember, I've always felt what I knew was a strange emotion when people would die - I would feel jealous of them. They don't have to suffer anymore. They don't have to keep any secrets. They get to know the mystery that keeps all of us up at night at one point or another. They get to have nice things said about them and then they get to exist in the memories of the living while their consciousness gets to move on to somewhere else.

I have a personal history of suicide attempts. When I was 20, I halfheartedly cut my wrist. It was over something that seems silly and trivial to most people, I had been rejected (rather cruelly) by a girl I thought I was in love with. This attempt was, in retrospect, certainly just a cry for help/attention. I was treated and I took on the attitude of my family about it - it had been a passing phase, it was over now, I was all right. But the feelings of constant sadness and loneliness persisted and even intensified over the years. Even when things were good, I was sad and unsatisfied. Even when I was with close friends or intimate partners, I felt alone. I felt misunderstood, and in most cases I *was* misunderstood. I felt bewildered at everyone around me's ability to cut through life like they were born to do it, to handle challenges and bumps in the road with what I saw as grace and impressive mettle. I have been constantly confused and frustrated at my own ability to do the same. At age 27, I found a girl who was my soulmate, if such a thing exists. I moved 1200 miles from home to be with her, and we were very happy to be together. Even then, I felt not 100% okay, and I saw the same quality in her. After a year of being together, the situation forced us to separate. Being forced to separate from the one person who really understood me pushed me to my first real attempt to CTB. I was living with my grandparents at the time (financially, I was in ruins after having to split with my girl), and they went out of town for a week on a cruise. The same day they left, my long-distance love became my ex-fiance...she told me that loneliness with me gone had been too much for her, and she'd found someone else she'd been sleeping with for two months. It wasn't her finding someone else that affected me so deeply, it was being lied to about it so casually that I never suspected a thing. I felt used, rejected, abandoned, worthless...futureless. I had been prescribed xanax that month for anxiety, but I hadn't liked the way they made me feel, so there were still 88 1mg pills left in the bottle. Without even researching, I took the entire bottle and chased it with a fifth of vodka, the whole bottle consumed inside of one hour. I decided to make absolutely sure my attempt didn't fail, so after a quick goodbye call to my ex, I cut both wrists in the tub - very deep, vertical razor cuts. Unbeknownst to me, my ex called my mom, who in turn called the police for a welfare check. The paramedics and doctors saved my life (although these days, I'm not so sure if I would have actually died even if left unattended, even though I was told so over and over.) After spending five days in a psychiatric ward, I was declared stable and released.

For the next seven years (up until this month) I have tried to keep a lid on things and quell the constant urge to take my own life. It isn't compulsive with me, and its not situational - its always with me to some degree, every second I'm awake. Situations only serve as the catalyst to convince me to give in to the urge. The last few months...hell, the last few *years* have been unbelievably difficult for me. I lost my mother to liver failure two years ago almost to the day. I had to watch her die in agonizing pain, unable to take pain meds because of her inability to metabolize them, defacating on herself and crying nonstop, for over a week. After she died, I developed a rare gum disorder that forced the humiliating process of having most of my teeth removed and replaced with partial dentures on me, a process that lasted almost a year - I couldn't even leave the house for the shame of being a toothless hillbilly until the replacements were ready. Still, I suffered on, soldiered on. After I had teeth again, I found a job after months of searching - right before covid-19 downsizing snatched it away. Broke, alone, I decided to start drinking. It quickly spiraled out of control, and ended with me getting two DUIs within 24 hours of each other. That was early this month. They released me without having to post bail on the first one, and I immediately went out, got a bottle, and repeated my mistake. They would not release me for the second one, of course, and my surviving family all refused to answer my calls, let alone post my bail. After four days in jail, they put an accused murderer in my cell. This is never supposed to happen, but the jail classification system is in shambles because of the virus and quarantine measures. He told me he did it and he loved it, and began to taunt me, saying he was going on death row anyway, so he was going to rape and murder me just as soon as I fell asleep. This, plus the fact that I'd just recieved my 2nd and 3rd DUI (I had my first when I was in high school), was too much for me to handle. I could not see a single reason not to give in to suicide, facing a mandatory 10 year prison sentence under the 3 strikes law and a rape-minded murderer for a cellmate. They were allowing each cell to be out in the rec area for one hour per day, and when they let me out, I was ready. I waited until I knew no guards were watching, quickly tied off the rope/noose I'd made with my sheet to the 2nd tier railing, snugged the noose, and jumped. All I remember after that is pain in my foot and unconsciousness - the next thing I knew, I was in the ER of a hospital. I had been released on another OR bond after the attempt so the jail would not be liable if I crashed and died, which they were worried I would do if not treated in a professional ER. It turns out that the sheet stretched far more than I thought it could, I took the majority of the weight of my leap on my foot, and then dangled, partially hung, for up to three minutes until the guards realized what was happening and cut me down. I was held for two weeks in the psych ward, and then put out on the street, penniless and with a broken foot. My grandparents took pity on me and came to get me about a week ago, and that's where I am now - at their house.

My arraignment is in six days. I plan to plead not guilty, but this is only to buy myself time. When they give me a trial date, I will know how much time I have to set my affairs in order and finalize my EOL/exit plan. I have no chance of beating either charge, and like I said, a ten year minimum prison sentence awaits me. Even if this weren't the case, I would still want to finally, successfully end my own life. I realized this is the scenario I was subconsciously asking for. My family...this is something they can understand. I was always too soft and sensitive for the outside, free world. There is no way I could ever survive prison, and I know I can make them realize this with the right words in a letter.

Ironically, having made the decision to *do*, finally, and not fail, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I feel like things are right and normal, finally. Its such a relief to have an easily understandable motive to CTB. I expect to be given at least a month before my trial, especially with covid-19 and my broken foot to consider. I plan to spend this time with the friends and family I have left, to just love them and let them love me. I have decided on the SN method, it seems by far the easiest/most effective method available to me (that I can afford.) I also want to meet/talk to some people on this site who I know will understand my decision to take my own life. Feeling understood has always been in short supply for me, and I think a little of that would be so nice before I go. This is a bittersweet thing for me...I'm so sad and sorry for any pain I will cause with my decision, but I am also happy knowing that if I do everything right, I won't have to be here anymore. If anyone is willing to talk, I'd be so glad to hear from you! Thank you for hearing my story and having me here. Love to all =)

Can you find an attorney who will argue that that you have no criminal responsibility because of the state of your mental health at the time? It's a long shot, but it may be your best hope. If that isn't a possibility, then I agree with your choice to ctb. It isn't ideal, but it may be the least bad option.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Can you find an attorney who will argue that that you have no criminal responsibility because of the state of your mental health at the time? It's a long shot, but it may be your best hope. If that isn't a possibility, then I agree with your choice to ctb. It isn't ideal, but it may be the least bad option.

I mean...they're going to ask me next week if I have a lawyer when I plead not guilty. I plan on telling them I need a lawyer but can't afford one, which is nothing but true. But the only reason is so I'll have a longer period of time before the actual trial, because I will be stepping off before that. I expect to have 3-4 weeks before a trial starts, but I'm hoping even a public defender can motion for a continuance and get me more time. I was up until 4:30am thinking about this exact same thing...I think ~2 months to spend time with family and make my preparations would be perfect. 3 weeks from Friday would be enough time, but given the choice, I'd like to have more. But I don't actually want to be defended and I have no intention of ever standing trial. This is the perfect "excuse" based on how my family is. They're all upstanding citizens, and they'd easily understand that the shame and fear of prison as a motivator to CTB. I'm ready to go.

Thank you so much for your concern and your comment!

 

[Squiddy]

Welcome to SS :)

 

[Linda]

I mean...they're going to ask me next week if I have a lawyer when I plead not guilty. I plan on telling them I need a lawyer but can't afford one, which is nothing but true. But the only reason is so I'll have a longer period of time before the actual trial, because I will be stepping off before that. I expect to have 3-4 weeks before a trial starts, but I'm hoping even a public defender can motion for a continuance and get me more time. I was up until 4:30am thinking about this exact same thing...I think ~2 months to spend time with family and make my preparations would be perfect. 3 weeks from Friday would be enough time, but given the choice, I'd like to have more. But I don't actually want to be defended and I have no intention of ever standing trial. This is the perfect "excuse" based on how my family is. They're all upstanding citizens, and they'd easily understand that the shame and fear of prison as a motivator to CTB. I'm ready to go.

Thank you so much for your concern and your comment!

I understand. Good luck.