New, Suicidal, and Bipolar

[Sree]

After lurking on this site for a couple months, I've recently joined. I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to connect with likeminded people. I'm working up the courage to commit suicide by hanging, full suspension. My life fell a part fall of 2018, after a manic episode, that is where I learned I was bipolar 1. Since then I've been depressed and ready to go, I mourn what could've been on a regular basis. Life is something that I just can't be a part of anymore. Who else is Bipolar on here and how do you deal with life until you CTB?

 

[galaticgrizzly]

I'm not bipolar, but I'm borderline.
I thought hanging was my way, too. I did it with full suspension. Let me tell you what happened. In short, choose a different way.
There was no pain. If you do it, you want to make sure the rope will cut off your blood flow and not your airway, that produces no pain, vs you not being able to breathe. One moment I was conscious, the next moment I was not.
Here's what you don't know.
You thrash. From the lack of oxygen. You start seizing. Because of this, I fell out. The momentum was so intense I woke up facing a different direction than I was when I was hanging. You are left with a big conspicuous bruise on your neck, and the pain in your head when you wake up is unbearable.
That's just my experience. Just be aware that it may not work.
But I'm not one to talk. My method is absolutely absurd.

 

[GinaIsReady]

I think we might be likeminded and possibly enjoy chatting but would prefer to use the chat feature. Feel free to hit me up.

 

[Mr.Nobody]

I was diagnosed with Bipolar as well a few months ago.The effects of meds I have been taking is the main reason for my plan to CTB.

Best of luck to you.

 

[R_N]

I'm not bipolar, but I'm borderline.
I thought hanging was my way, too. I did it with full suspension. Let me tell you what happened. In short, choose a different way.
There was no pain. If you do it, you want to make sure the rope will cut off your blood flow and not your airway, that produces no pain, vs you not being able to breathe. One moment I was conscious, the next moment I was not.
Here's what you don't know.
You thrash. From the lack of oxygen. You start seizing. Because of this, I fell out. The momentum was so intense I woke up facing a different direction than I was when I was hanging. You are left with a big conspicuous bruise on your neck, and the pain in your head when you wake up is unbearable.
That's just my experience. Just be aware that it may not work.
But I'm not one to talk. My method is absolutely absurd.

Did you check the rope and knots before hanging, how did you manage to "fell out"?

 

[squirtsoda]

Bipolar II here on your typical mouthful of meds. It's not directly the symptoms of bipolar disorder that make me want to CTB, rather the constant sense of doom not knowing when the meds are going to catastrophically fail you next. I always feel like I'm on the verge of losing everything. A hypomanic state can cause just as much if not more damage than a manic state, but over a longer time period. I also get legitimately diagnosed dysphoric mania which is where for me personally I'm at imminent risk of a probably impulsive CTB.

My default state is anhedonia through to deep depression. But not sadness.

How do I deal with it? Get up and go to a stressful high stakes and dangerous job every day.

 

[Sensei]

Welcome to the forum. Bipoar disorder II here. No manic episodes, only pleasant, albeit very rare hypomanic episodes. In return, I get more frequent and serious depressive episodes with strong suicidal impulses. I know bipolar people IRL who manage to live more or less normal lives thanks to effective medication. However, there are no guarantees. For some peoplre there are simly no medicines which have any significant effects. Also, as pointed out already, some medicines have side effects, especially antipsychotics. Still, it's definitely worth trying medication, because it works well or fairly well for most people with bipolar disorder.

I think you should wait at least two months before you decide to exit. You're most probably in the middle of a depressive episode now and not in your right mind.

 

[passenger27]

Bipolar 1 here. It's possible to live with it in a fashion, but the manic spells are hell. I couldn't begin to count how many I've had. No meds have ever seemed to work or the side effects have been too hard to deal with. But try to get a hold of it before it gets a hold of you if you possibly can ( if your body can deal with the meds).

As for dealing with life, I personally can't. I'm living on a fixed income and currently I owe around $28,000 due to manic spells or "fuck it, I'll be gone soon anyway, may as well go out in style." Credit card companies don't give a shit if you're bipolar or not, they love to throw out plastic to anyone.

I'd hate to see anybody in the same position. Try to get the help you need before you dig a hole as deep as the one I'm in. It doesn't have to be hopeless, everybody's body chemistry is different. What didn't work for me may do wonders for you. Best of luck to you.

 

[BipolarExpat]

It's a horrible disorder and no two "BPs" are the same.

I (too) have lost so much from this..... inherited "sentence."

 

[Deleted-User-0]

Hey buddy I have rapid cycling Bipolar it is a very extreme case where I experience maniac and depression multiple times within a day it's abs exhausting. I had a near death experience when I was a kid in a swimming pool so I'm not scared of death actually looking forward to bliss of non existence where I belong. After years of battling I am ready to go just joined recently to get some advice on my CTB kit. I feel your pain just a never ending rising or falling rocket

 

[moodygrl]

Hi, im also bipolar, got diagnosed last summer after a massive mania with delusions and psychotic features. managed to get myself in quite some problems.
ive been living with my retired parents since, pretty much doing nothing and gaining a ton of weight, daydreaming about suicide. Practiced partial on three rare opportunities, wrote and printed my goodbye letter,, waiting for this corona regime to lift, so my dad takes my mum to a doctors appoitment and then i can do it. im such a bitch. I have a great family and i cant wait to leave this world.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I have a very similar experience to you and the same diagnosis, but I feel like once you've been hospitalised it all becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy really.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Bipolar 2, diagnosed 4 years ago. I suffered very few hypomanic episodes but a lot of depressive ones. Which I find particularly hard. After I was hospitalised last year due to a bad depressive episode, my meds were changed and actually my depressive episodes come less frequently, are shorter and less intense when they do come (generally). I have tried A LOT of medication and it took a long time to get to this point. I won't pretend everything's peachy, as I'm here. But to those who are newly diagnosed, I would highly recommend trying different meds and not settling for one's if you don't think they're right for you. I know meds don't work for everyone, but it's worth exploring every option before considering ctb.

 

[WinterFaust]

Bipolar I here. Diagnosed last year after a manic episode. Lost everything. Before that, I just had debilitating depressive episodes. I'm currently in the worst one I've ever been in and been this way since October. I'm almost completely nonfunctional like this and I'm alone. I just can't anymore...

 

[moodygrl]

i also lost a lot. A job, partner, friends, place to stay. I now "live" with my parents and dont speak to nobody. I just cant get over it.

can you share more about your manic episode? What happened?

 

[WinterFaust]

i also lost a lot. A job, partner, friends, place to stay. I now "live" with my parents and dont speak to nobody. I just cant get over it.

can you share more about your manic episode? What happened?

I started taking Lexapro. It was great at first, finally started being productive, a better partner, found a temp job, I felt like a new person. Started feeling unstoppable, then I had serious insomnia. It was full blown mania. Fucked up my finances, completely ruined any chance of even speaking to my ex fiance, lost all my friends. Rapid cycled for a couple of months continuing the terrible behavior. Then, clarity slowly came back, I was aware of the things I'd done and that everyone wasn't attacking me. That was October. Now I'm here. Crazy to think just last year i was engaged to my best friend whom I had known for a decade, surrounded by loving friends, and living in a great apartment. Seems like someone else lived that life. Now I'm unemployed, in debt with ruined credit, alone, and suffering the consequences of not eating or sleeping or doing much of anything for the last 7 months. I'm only 26 but I'm tired.

 

[Squiddy]

I have bipolar, borderline personality disorder and anxiety. I just try to take one day at a time, but it's hard and I still want to ctb everyday

 

[moodygrl]

I was struggling through a deep depressive episode so I wasn't working. Financial stress and relationship issues because of it. I started taking Lexapro. It was great at first, finally started being productive, a better partner, found a temp job, I felt like a new person finally. I kept thinking, I wish I took Lexapro sooner. Started feeling unstoppable, then I had serious insomnia. It was full blown mania. Euphoria. Delusions of grandeur, aggression and irritability, destructive spending, paranoia about my ex and friends, delusions, risky behavior. Fucked up my finances, completely ruined any chance of even speaking to my ex fiance, almost got arrested, lost all my friends. Rapid cycled for a couple of months continuing the terrible behavior. Then, it started to dawn on me that everyone wasn't attacking me and oh my God, I ruined everything. That was October. Now I'm here. Crazy to think just last year i was engaged to my best friend whom I had known for a decade, surrounded by loving friends, and living in a great apartment. Seems like someone else lived that life. Now I'm unemployed, in debt with ruined credit, alone, and suffering the consequences of not eating or sleeping or doing much of anything for the last 7 months. I'm only 26 but I'm tired. If I was at least somewhat functional while depressed, this would be very different. I never really have been but I always had someone around to make sure I was feeding myself and going outside. I live with my mom now but she and the rest of my family have their own lives.

Thanks for sharing. I know how it feels to think everybody is against you - It took me a long time to accept that im not ok. it sucks thinking backwards how I behaved. mental illness sucks. :/

 

[MotherOfCats]

Out of interest, does anyone else suffer with significant memory issues as a result of either their bipolar or the meds? My memory is truly shot.

 

[WinterFaust]

Thanks for sharing. I know how it feels to think everybody is against you - It took me a long time to accept that im not ok. it sucks thinking backwards how I behaved. mental illness sucks. :/

Yeah. It really does. I still feel like it's all my fault. And especially how I've handled (or not) the resulting depressive episode. I just feel like I have no excuse. Sure I lost everyone at once but if I managed to pull myself together before the end of the year, I would have given myself a fighting chance. I didn't even try. But eh, guess that's just another reason people are better off.

Out of interest, does anyone else suffer with significant memory issues as a result of either their bipolar or the meds? My memory is truly shot.

Yes. I can't remember anything these days. It sucks.

 

[Sensei]

Bipolar 2, diagnosed 4 years ago. I suffered very few hypomanic episodes but a lot of depressive ones. Which I find particularly hard. After I was hospitalised last year due to a bad depressive episode, my meds were changed and actually my depressive episodes come less frequently, are shorter and less intense when they do come (generally). I have tried A LOT of medication and it took a long time to get to this point. I won't pretend everything's peachy, as I'm here. But to those who are newly diagnosed, I would highly recommend trying different meds and not settling for one's if you don't think they're right for you. I know meds don't work for everyone, but it's worth exploring every option before considering ctb.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although I was diagnosed about 13 years ago. I've had very few hypomanic episodes and that saddens me as they are through and through pleasant experiences for me. The last years I've almost had depressive episodes non-stop, and it's wearing me down. Sometimes when I think about my worst depressive episodes, I wonder how I can still be alive.

I agree 100 % with you on medication. It's the key to living something resembling a normal life. It's tricky, though. It took a year or two to find the right medication for me after I had been diagnosed, but then it ran like clockwork for several years; I didn't have a single episode. Then, about two and a half years ago, although it feels much, much longer ago, my medication inexplicably stopped working. Since then it's been hell, but it's seems my new medication might cut it. If it doesn't, I don't know how much longer I can go on.

Out of interest, does anyone else suffer with significant memory issues as a result of either their bipolar or the meds? My memory is truly shot.

I didn't in the past, but that changed when my medication stopped working. After two years of frequent depressive episodes, as well as one mixed, the wear on the brain is showing. My memory has become very weak and that's quite detrimental in my line of work. However, the cognitive effects of episodes are usually, but not always, temporary and eventually disappear. As far as I know, there are no medications against bipolarity that can weaken your memory.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although I was diagnosed about 13 years ago. I've had very few hypomanic episodes and that saddens me as they are through and through pleasant experiences for me. The last years I've almost had depressive episodes non-stop, and it's wearing me down. Sometimes when I think about my worst depressive episodes, I wonder how I can still be alive.

I agree 100 % with you on medication. It's the key to living something resembling a normal life. It's tricky, though. It took a year or two to find the right medication for me after I had been diagnosed, but then it ran like clockwork for several years; I didn't have a single episode. Then, about two and a half years ago, although it feels much, much longer ago, my medication inexplicably stopped working. Since then it's been hell, but it's seems my new medication might cut it. If it doesn't, I don't know how much longer I can go on.



I didn't in the past, but that changed when my medication stopped working. After two years of frequent depressive episodes, as well as one mixed, the wear on the brain is showing. My memory has become very weak and that's quite detrimental in my line of work. However, the cognitive effects of episodes are usually, but not always, temporary and eventually disappear. As far as I know, there are no medications against bipolarity that can weaken your memory.

I also enjoy hypomanic episodes, they used to be a semi-regular occurrence before I was diagnosed when I just thought it was my "quirky" personality. Unfortunately, aripiprazole has been very effective in eliminating them completely. I've just stopped it for that reason, hoping for a few hypos to break up the sadness.
I've heard quite a few people who's meds worked for years and then suddenly stopped. It's awful, almost showing you what your life could have been then ripping it away. I hope this new combo reduces your depressive episodes, I really do. If mine were that regular, there is no way I'd have survived it. You've done amazingly.

I started a new job a few weeks after being hospitalised after a particularly bad episode and that's when my memory issues really became apparent. It's detrimental in my job too. I'm on the fence as to whether it's now improving or just staying the same, definitely not getting worse at the moment.

I've never seen any evidence of medication induced cognitive impairment for BP but a lot of people blame their meds. I think episodes cause some level of brain damage, there's been some evidence for this.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Welcome :-)

I feel the same way as you do about this place.

 

[WinterFaust]

Bipolar 2, diagnosed 4 years ago. I suffered very few hypomanic episodes but a lot of depressive ones. Which I find particularly hard. After I was hospitalised last year due to a bad depressive episode, my meds were changed and actually my depressive episodes come less frequently, are shorter and less intense when they do come (generally). I have tried A LOT of medication and it took a long time to get to this point. I won't pretend everything's peachy, as I'm here. But to those who are newly diagnosed, I would highly recommend trying different meds and not settling for one's if you don't think they're right for you. I know meds don't work for everyone, but it's worth exploring every option before considering ctb.

I know I should try all my options but I don't even feel like I have the energy to even try. It makes me feel like a complete failure, honestly. Did you find that you were low-functioning through the worst of your depressive episodes? Has anyone on this thread dealt with that? Everyone else just seems to be able to push to try meanwhile, I barely eat and I've just dug a hole too big for myself to get out of. I don't know, I think the problem is me.

 

[MotherOfCats]

I know I should try all my options but I don't even feel like I have the energy to even try. It makes me feel like a complete failure, honestly. Did you find that you were low-functioning through the worst of your depressive episodes? Has anyone on this thread dealt with that? Everyone else just seems to be able to push to try meanwhile, I barely eat and I've just dug a hole too big for myself to get out of. I don't know, I think the problem is me.

I am the same as you. When I'm bad, I can't even get out of bed to go the toilet. I won't eat, won't wash, won't talk and definitely can't go to work. I'm not high functioning at all. Nothing to be ashamed about, it isn't something you can just push through.
The problem isn't you, it's the illness. The problem is that you need to get just well enough to have motivation to try different treatments. But when you're that unwell, you don't want to help yourself. Or maybe that's just me?

 

[Sensei]

I also enjoy hypomanic episodes, they used to be a semi-regular occurrence before I was diagnosed when I just thought it was my "quirky" personality. Unfortunately, aripiprazole has been very effective in eliminating them completely. I've just stopped it for that reason, hoping for a few hypos to break up the sadness.

@MotherOfCats I wouldn't dare doing that. However, I've taken legal highs which have induced hypomanic episodes in people, but it hasn't worked. Maybe for the better, because they can hypothetically also induce manic episodes, even in if you only suffer from bipolar disorder II.

I've heard quite a few people who's meds worked for years and then suddenly stopped. It's awful, almost showing you what your life could have been then ripping it away.

It's actually comforting to hear that this has happened to other people too. I've tried to find information about it, but in vain. Then I'm at least not a unique neurobiological freak. ;)

I hope this new combo reduces your depressive episodes, I really do. If mine were that regular, there is no way I'd have survived it. You've done amazingly.

Thank you, I really appreciate your words. However pathetic it may sound, I'm actually proud of myself for not giving up. I've only failed to resist my suicidal impulses twice, and both my attempts obviously failed. I actually feel just fine now, for the first time in a very long time. I wonder how long it will last.

I started a new job a few weeks after being hospitalised after a particularly bad episode and that's when my memory issues really became apparent. It's detrimental in my job too. I'm on the fence as to whether it's now improving or just staying the same, definitely not getting worse at the moment.

Normally, it takes a couple of months to recover. One year ago, give or take a month, my memory was so bad that it actually scared me. A person could tell me something one day and the next day I could remember what had been said, but it was impossible for me to remember who said it. My memory was completely blank. In other words, my memory has gone from terrible to bad, so I know that it's possible to recover, at least to a degree.

I've never seen any evidence of medication induced cognitive impairment for BP but a lot of people blame their meds. I think episodes cause some level of brain damage, there's been some evidence for this.

I think sometimes people are a little bit too quick to blame their medicines.

I know I should try all my options but I don't even feel like I have the energy to even try. It makes me feel like a complete failure, honestly. Did you find that you were low-functioning through the worst of your depressive episodes? Has anyone on this thread dealt with that? Everyone else just seems to be able to push to try meanwhile, I barely eat and I've just dug a hole too big for myself to get out of. I don't know, I think the problem is me.

@WinterFaust Please don't blame yourself. If suicide frequency can be used as a measure, a bipolar depressive episode is the worst kind of depression anyone can go through. Of course many of us become low-functioning, blame ourselves, and need time to recover. You are not alone. In fact, i believe that the majority of us go through what you're going through right now. Take you're time to get well. You deserve it.

 

[disconnection]

Hey. Relate to a lot of this - had my first full manic episode last year and it completely destroyed my life. Was diagnosed bpd around 12 years ago and bipolar was always queried - looking back I can see hypomanic episodes amongst the absolute ton of depressive ones. Depression seems to be my default setting. Relying on family for a roof over my head now, have nothing to say to anyone any more. Lost my bf, flat, job, prospects. Can't hold conversations with friends. I think I even accidentally threw away my important paperwork, degree transcripts, etc. The universe is telling me its time for sure! It's just hard to actually find a way, god only knows how many times I've tried now! Oh and yes, my memory has been shot for a really long time.

 

[WinterFaust]

I am the same as you. When I'm bad, I can't even get out of bed to go the toilet. I won't eat, won't wash, won't talk and definitely can't go to work. I'm not high functioning at all. Nothing to be ashamed about, it isn't something you can just push through.
The problem isn't you, it's the illness. The problem is that you need to get just well enough to have motivation to try different treatments. But when you're that unwell, you don't want to help yourself. Or maybe that's just me?

Thank you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it truly is nice to know that I'm not alone.
The expectation is for me to pull it together somehow from myself, my family, and the one online friend that I do have. They say I have to help myself get better. But what happens when I can't? Whenever I try and I fail, I of course I spiral further which is exactly what has happened these past 6 months.

Please don't blame yourself. If suicide frequency can be used as a measure, a bipolar depressive episode is the worst kind of depression anyone can go through. Of course many of us become low-functioning, blame ourselves, and need time to recover. You are not alone. In fact, i believe that the majority of us go through what you're going through right now. Take you're time to get well. You deserve it.

Thank you so much for this. The blame and shame spiral has made things even worse for me and I want to get better but I just don't see a positive end to all of this. I'm beyond hopeless and I feel beyond help. Is it worth still trying to persue help in this case? Because it feels like the only thing I'll be capable of doing is catching the bus. I'm so far gone and I don't even know if being hospitalized could help.

 

[MotherOfCats]

Thank you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it truly is nice to know that I'm not alone.
The expectation is for me to pull it together somehow from myself, my family, and the one online friend that I do have. They say I have to help myself get better. But what happens when I can't? Whenever I try and I fail, I of course I spiral further which is exactly what has happened these past 6 months.


Thank you so much for this. The blame and shame spiral has made things even worse for me and I want to get better but I just don't see a positive end to all of this. I'm beyond hopeless and I feel beyond help. Is it worth still trying to persue help in this case? Because it feels like the only thing I'll be capable of doing is catching the bus. I'm so far gone and I don't even know if being hospitalized could help.

Oh, you're definitely not alone. I think that from the outside looking in it looks like we're wallowing in self pity. But it's not at all. Every day of depression is a fight just to do anything at all. If you can get out of bed at all, then you've done fantastic and should feel proud. If you can't, then "oh well". Tomorrow's another day and you can try again. I honestly cannot give you any advice on how to get out of such a deep depression, for me the only thing that helps is time. As soon as it lifts a little, that's when you can start to do things that might "help yourself". Such as seeking new drug treatments, therapy, blah blah.

 

[Sensei]

Thank you so much for this. The blame and shame spiral has made things even worse for me and I want to get better but I just don't see a positive end to all of this. I'm beyond hopeless and I feel beyond help. Is it worth still trying to persue help in this case? Because it feels like the only thing I'll be capable of doing is catching the bus. I'm so far gone and I don't even know if being hospitalized could help.

When do we see reality as it really is and when do we see it through the dark veil of depression? When is our pain a product of our life circumstances and when is it a product of our inherent instability? It can be very difficult to tell sometimes. Maybe your situation really is hopeless, maybe it isn't. However, you're still alive, you're here discussing your problems, and you don't wallow in self-pity and bitterness. That indicates that you still have a fighting spirit and shouldn't give up just yet.

I definitely think you should pursue help. What do you have to lose? When facing the prospect of dying by your own hand, anything goes.