So I dodged the old ladies yesterday. I was about to go there again. Another self-help group.
But it felt embarrassed because they were so old and I had to hide some of my issues. I asked chatGPT for other self-help groups in my area. And chatGPT gave me a very interesting group neurodiverse people.
And well I now know the lore of my two autism self-help group. They seemingly have a feud. I was confused they didn't use network effects. And it now makes a lot of sense. The organizer of the group of today was one of the founders of the other self-help group. It seemed like I touched a nerve. He alluded they called him a narcissistic faker who doesn't even have autism.
And honestly, I already like him a lot. But I don't really see him on the spectrum either. xD. He told me though my autism was obvious. I had to laugh and agreed with it.
The age range is way better. There were four young people around my age. Some younger. There was one woman the sibling of an autist. She considered herself neurodivergent because she is highly gifted. She considered it possible she had autism. But me and the organizer told her she doesn't behave very autistic.
I like both autism self-help group. Both take place once a month. One is online one is a meet-up. And today was the meet-up. It was the first time I was there. The organizer currently does his PhD in philosophy. And I am a horribble grifter when I meet smart people. I want them to notice me and they should acknowledge I am smart too. And I am also a lot into philosphy. I read some of his texts and on paper he is probably way ways smarter than me.
We talked about autistic special interests. I am into politics, philosophy and David Foster Wallace. The organizer also read Infinite Jest but didn't really enjoy it. I suggested him to read The Broom in the system. Funny book. He was impressed that I knew Pynchon was postmodernist. I am more DFW stan not a big reader of postmodernism though.
I have to admit the highly gifted woman in that group was interesting. And I had the feeling she liked me. She laughed a lot about my jokes.
At first I was careful what to say. I only mentioned autism and bipolar. And people already were like hey what is bipolar? What does this mean.
Later in the evening. I opened up about the fact I had two psychoses. I think many people were stunned by that fact. I think it is very stigmatized. I think I was self-aware, witty and and very fast in thinking today. But I made a strategical mistake.
I explained I had a psychosis because I don#t like it having to hide so much. I think the woman immediately lost some interest in me when I said the word psychosis. But that's speculative.
I opened up about the thing my former therapist did to me. Writing lies in my medical records intentionally. Two people doubted my story. I think due to the fact I said to them the organization behind my therapist full believed her and they didn't believe me at all. I think saying it like that was a mistake. Two people implied it could have been delusional thinking. And well I hoped they would believe my story because it was coherent and detailed. I think the rest of the room believed me. Also because I didn't sound delusional. And I had good explanations.
I should have replied the complaint was serious enough to be investigated and some of my claims were confirmed. But sadly I didn't do that. I fear they consider me now delusional. It was very unpleasant to be doubted. And a woman from an ethics organization reviewed my complaint and considered it good. Being doubted feels like gaslighting.
There is problem with this group. The group takes place too late for my night and day rhythm. I should have gone earlier. And usually I take my medication at 7 p.m. I am not sure how to find a solution. And it is difficult to reach the place where the group takes place. I wasn't in a good shape after the group. The story about my therapist makes me really emotional. And I am scared they could consider me now delusional. I think there were some doubts about some claims. But all in all they believed it. Honestly, doubting it feels like gaslighting to me. Even if it not intentional.
I think I won't write a mail addressing my fears. Addressing fears usually makes things worse. We will meet again next month.
And by the way something weird/insane might happened.
I met my old very strong crush on an app with anonymous posts several months ago. She ghosted me after 2,5 months because she was overwhelmed by her life. I posted again in the channel where we met. With an anonymous post. Someone replied today. And I have the feeling it could be her. It is not confirmed but there are some indicators. I wish to get one last conversation. I sent one reply like a start of a new conversation with someone you don't know. But the person isn't responding anymore. It could be she noticed my writing and chickens out. But that's speculative.
But it felt embarrassed because they were so old and I had to hide some of my issues. I asked chatGPT for other self-help groups in my area. And chatGPT gave me a very interesting group neurodiverse people.
And well I now know the lore of my two autism self-help group. They seemingly have a feud. I was confused they didn't use network effects. And it now makes a lot of sense. The organizer of the group of today was one of the founders of the other self-help group. It seemed like I touched a nerve. He alluded they called him a narcissistic faker who doesn't even have autism.
And honestly, I already like him a lot. But I don't really see him on the spectrum either. xD. He told me though my autism was obvious. I had to laugh and agreed with it.
The age range is way better. There were four young people around my age. Some younger. There was one woman the sibling of an autist. She considered herself neurodivergent because she is highly gifted. She considered it possible she had autism. But me and the organizer told her she doesn't behave very autistic.
I like both autism self-help group. Both take place once a month. One is online one is a meet-up. And today was the meet-up. It was the first time I was there. The organizer currently does his PhD in philosophy. And I am a horribble grifter when I meet smart people. I want them to notice me and they should acknowledge I am smart too. And I am also a lot into philosphy. I read some of his texts and on paper he is probably way ways smarter than me.
We talked about autistic special interests. I am into politics, philosophy and David Foster Wallace. The organizer also read Infinite Jest but didn't really enjoy it. I suggested him to read The Broom in the system. Funny book. He was impressed that I knew Pynchon was postmodernist. I am more DFW stan not a big reader of postmodernism though.
I have to admit the highly gifted woman in that group was interesting. And I had the feeling she liked me. She laughed a lot about my jokes.
At first I was careful what to say. I only mentioned autism and bipolar. And people already were like hey what is bipolar? What does this mean.
Later in the evening. I opened up about the fact I had two psychoses. I think many people were stunned by that fact. I think it is very stigmatized. I think I was self-aware, witty and and very fast in thinking today. But I made a strategical mistake.
I explained I had a psychosis because I don#t like it having to hide so much. I think the woman immediately lost some interest in me when I said the word psychosis. But that's speculative.
I opened up about the thing my former therapist did to me. Writing lies in my medical records intentionally. Two people doubted my story. I think due to the fact I said to them the organization behind my therapist full believed her and they didn't believe me at all. I think saying it like that was a mistake. Two people implied it could have been delusional thinking. And well I hoped they would believe my story because it was coherent and detailed. I think the rest of the room believed me. Also because I didn't sound delusional. And I had good explanations.
I should have replied the complaint was serious enough to be investigated and some of my claims were confirmed. But sadly I didn't do that. I fear they consider me now delusional. It was very unpleasant to be doubted. And a woman from an ethics organization reviewed my complaint and considered it good. Being doubted feels like gaslighting.
There is problem with this group. The group takes place too late for my night and day rhythm. I should have gone earlier. And usually I take my medication at 7 p.m. I am not sure how to find a solution. And it is difficult to reach the place where the group takes place. I wasn't in a good shape after the group. The story about my therapist makes me really emotional. And I am scared they could consider me now delusional. I think there were some doubts about some claims. But all in all they believed it. Honestly, doubting it feels like gaslighting to me. Even if it not intentional.
I think I won't write a mail addressing my fears. Addressing fears usually makes things worse. We will meet again next month.
And by the way something weird/insane might happened.
I met my old very strong crush on an app with anonymous posts several months ago. She ghosted me after 2,5 months because she was overwhelmed by her life. I posted again in the channel where we met. With an anonymous post. Someone replied today. And I have the feeling it could be her. It is not confirmed but there are some indicators. I wish to get one last conversation. I sent one reply like a start of a new conversation with someone you don't know. But the person isn't responding anymore. It could be she noticed my writing and chickens out. But that's speculative.
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