New here

[shallow]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I apologize for my English..
I have been reading for 3 weeks now. When I was younger (17 years ago) I attempt to ctb. I failed...

Lost my husband 4,5 weeks ago and I just can't get it out of my mind. Want to go to him so badly. But there are a couple of things why I can't. The battle in my head keeps on going. I'm so tired.. Everyone says what I should do according to them, but they don't know how dark it is in my head.

I see a psychiatrist every week, taking medication but my thoughts are so strong... SN is illigal in my country. Maybe that's better, I don't know.

Thanks for reading this. I wish you all what you are looking for.

 

[randomz]

I am sorry for what happened to you. Losing someone as important can have a devastating effect on your mind and spirit. I hope and think that your meds and time will help you feel better and get the rest you need in oder to start seeing the good in the world again (at least a little) and if you need anything, we are always here you can turn to us if we can help. You can always PM me, if you want.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Hi @shallow
Sorry to see you here, especially under the circumstances you described.It is normal to feel the way you do after loosing your partner, grief is personal to each person & everyone will have different needs, it is still very close to you loosing your partner, I can understand wanting to be with the person but honestly would they want you to join them?

Please give things time to settle down & see how you feel in a few months, this is not the time to be making these decisions.

((Hugs)) & very sorry for your loss.

 

[shallow]

I understand your answers .. but really I can't do this. My thoughts are so strong. The medication is not helping at all. They will give me more and more but for what?

Maybe it's selfish to say. If I died, I would like him to join me soon. Everybody around us said that they have never seen a love before like us. Don't know what he wants. He isn't here anymore.

 

[Deathbydemo]

Welcome to SS @shallow. I'm so sorry for the reason you ended up here, I'm sure you have suffered so much since your husbands death. I can't imagine how much your heart is breaking.

I'm also sorry to hear that you have chosen to go. We will all be here to support you in your last days.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

These kinds of meds take weeks to build up in your system. Please give them a longer try.

Grief is incredible in its ability to hurt us. It carves out our insides, leaving is with a screaming, empty hole where that loved one used to be. It is also the nastiest of demons: it gets inside our head and whispers to us: it will never get better, pain is all there is, we will never love again.

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I wish I could take the hurt away, but it just doesn't work that way. Grief cannot be gone around, not over, not under. You must go through it to get to the other side.

I hear that you think you are not strong enough. But you ARE. You have made it this far and you can make it through this painful fog.

Please do not make any decisions right now. Please do not let the grief guide your thinking. If you still feel this way after a while, you can always depart then. But that option will always be there, and there's no need to rush. You will develop ways of living with the grief. It never truly leaves, but you will learn how to fit it in to your life. Sometimes it will be all-encompassing and other times it will be small enough to almost forget.

In the meantime, please stay here with us. There are many here who can relate and there are lots and lots of things to read.

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hello my love. So sorry to hear of the recent loss of ur beloved husband. It is still so very recent so I can understand the intense grief of losing someone u hoped to spend the rest of ur life with. My bestie loss her husband to cancer last yr on jan 25..she has just begun to get used to her "new normal"..it's a devastating loss.
I can tell u however, that while the pain is intolerable at the moment, it does become more bearable.
Enjoy the memories of all the good times u shared. Take pleasure in knowing that u will see him one day on the other side. Make no impulsive decisions right now.Take time to grieve..Sending u love n strength!
Feel free to pm me..

 

[shallow]

Thanks for the answers full of love.

I struggle with myself for several years now. Think about 18 years already... This is something that killed me from inside. Most painful thing I have ever felt. My soul and heart are crying. But like I said, there are a couple of things why I can't go now. Will give it time 'till july/august. Don't know why but that souns ok in my head.

 

[k75]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is the hardest thing. Your grief is still very fresh, so it's understandable that you're feeling this horrible. It's not going to go away fast, and you can't rush it. I recommend giving it a little more time before you do anything irreversible. I understand your urges, but you don't have to act on them right away. In the meantime, you can always talk to us.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Do you have any irl support, family, reasons to hold on?