Story New here

[planningmyexit]

New here. The other night I had the worst depression of my life. Just came very clear to me my life will not amount to anything. I have a bad back so standing on my feet for long periods of time or doing anything labor intensive is completely off the table which rules me out for any decent employment. It's becoming harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. Even if I could find a job that accommodates me I can't imagine going the next several decades going to work day in and day out all of that just seems so terrible. One thing I have to hang my hat on is I don't and will not have kids so at least I'm not contributing to this mess. But even then that does nothing to improve the suffering I'm going through right now. I also struggle with insomnia and being underweight which definitely is not helping my situation. I'm trying to take steps to improve things such as quitting drugs and alcohol and going to the gym but I still feel this overwhelming since of depression of being a complete failure. There's a bridge within reasonable driving distance that has a 100% success rate for ctb and it's comforting to know I have that in my back pocket. I really want to end this before it gets any worse but for now it's I'm doing my best to stick around and not go that route.

 

[outrider567]

New here. The other night I had the worst depression of my life. Just came very clear to me my life will not amount to anything. I have a bad back so standing on my feet for long periods of time or doing anything labor intensive is completely off the table which rules me out for any decent employment. It's becoming harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. Even if I could find a job that accommodates me I can't imagine going the next several decades going to work day in and day out all of that just seems so terrible. One thing I have to hang my hat on is I don't and will not have kids so at least I'm not contributing to this mess. But even then that does nothing to improve the suffering I'm going through right now. I also struggle with insomnia and being underweight which definitely is not helping my situation. I'm trying to take steps to improve things such as quitting drugs and alcohol and going to the gym but I still feel this overwhelming since of depression of being a complete failure. There's a bridge within reasonable driving distance that has a 100% success rate for ctb and it's comforting to know I have that in my back pocket. I really want to end this before it gets any worse but for now it's I'm doing my best to stick around and not go that route.

Sorry to hear that, a bad back is rough--I'm starting to get insomnia myself(which is why I'm up now)

 

[planningmyexit]

Sorry to hear that, a bad back is rough--I'm starting to get insomnia myself(which is why I'm up now)

It definitely is pretty bad. Though i will say it's not much of a issue as long as I don't have to do very much. I'm tall so I think this may have something do with it. And my insomnia seems to come and go.

 

[outrider567]

It definitely is pretty bad. Though i will say it's not much of a issue as long as I don't have to do very much. I'm tall so I think this may have something do with it. And my insomnia seems to come and go.

Lifted something too big in 2009, hospitalized next morning for extremely painful back spasms(worst pain in my life)--Doctor said 'no damage but you better start walking each morning since you admit you don't exercise' did what he said got better immediately, no problem since then

 

[planningmyexit]

Lifted something too big in 2009, hospitalized next morning for extremely painful back spasms(worst pain in my life)--Doctor said 'no damage but you better start walking each morning since you admit you don't exercise' did what he said got better immediately, no problem since then

Im getting back into fitness so I hope this helps. Sounds like adding some walking into my route might help.

 

[outrider567]

Im getting back into fitness so I hope this helps. Sounds like adding some walking into my route might help.

Walked for many years then progressed in 2014 to walking up and down steps(much harder)about 600 to700

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I am sorry for your suffering. I am also suffers from insomnia and always dreaming. Hate my life.

 

[makethepainstop]

New here. The other night I had the worst depression of my life. Just came very clear to me my life will not amount to anything. I have a bad back so standing on my feet for long periods of time or doing anything labor intensive is completely off the table which rules me out for any decent employment. It's becoming harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. Even if I could find a job that accommodates me I can't imagine going the next several decades going to work day in and day out all of that just seems so terrible. One thing I have to hang my hat on is I don't and will not have kids so at least I'm not contributing to this mess. But even then that does nothing to improve the suffering I'm going through right now. I also struggle with insomnia and being underweight which definitely is not helping my situation. I'm trying to take steps to improve things such as quitting drugs and alcohol and going to the gym but I still feel this overwhelming since of depression of being a complete failure. There's a bridge within reasonable driving distance that has a 100% success rate for ctb and it's comforting to know I have that in my back pocket. I really want to end this before it gets any worse but for now it's I'm doing my best to stick around and not go that route.

The things you can do to improve yourself all take time. There is no instant fix for those things. Yard by yard is hard, inch by inch is a cinch. Relax bro take a deep breath, sometimes the smallest efforts lead to the greatest rewards. Patience bro, patience.As for weight gain have you discussed anabolic steroids with your doctor? If you want faster weight gain......

 

[Hollowillow]

New here. The other night I had the worst depression of my life. Just came very clear to me my life will not amount to anything. I have a bad back so standing on my feet for long periods of time or doing anything labor intensive is completely off the table which rules me out for any decent employment. It's becoming harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. Even if I could find a job that accommodates me I can't imagine going the next several decades going to work day in and day out all of that just seems so terrible. One thing I have to hang my hat on is I don't and will not have kids so at least I'm not contributing to this mess. But even then that does nothing to improve the suffering I'm going through right now. I also struggle with insomnia and being underweight which definitely is not helping my situation. I'm trying to take steps to improve things such as quitting drugs and alcohol and going to the gym but I still feel this overwhelming since of depression of being a complete failure. There's a bridge within reasonable driving distance that has a 100% success rate for ctb and it's comforting to know I have that in my back pocket. I really want to end this before it gets any worse but for now it's I'm doing my best to stick around and not go that route.

Don't go to the gym while being under weight!!!

You'll burn muscle as fuel for energy. And ligaments. That's why your back hurts, you're burn out & miserable. You're starving. Food gives brain rewards but you bypass it by toxic drugs & alcohol.

• Not enough vitamins & mineral
• Too much exercise
• Poison

It's the trio of death. Do the opposite

• Eat greens & meat (high in vitamin c & b)
• Maximum rest to rebuild your body
• Replace compensating with poison by what your body need. Alchohol craving & for energy = B vitamins. Relaxation = c & magnesium. D too.

Do do the opposite and you'll have the opposite result. It's not being lazy it's energy preservation & healing

Now you know. Do what you wish

 

[lifeisadream]

New here. The other night I had the worst depression of my life. Just came very clear to me my life will not amount to anything. I have a bad back so standing on my feet for long periods of time or doing anything labor intensive is completely off the table which rules me out for any decent employment. It's becoming harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. Even if I could find a job that accommodates me I can't imagine going the next several decades going to work day in and day out all of that just seems so terrible. One thing I have to hang my hat on is I don't and will not have kids so at least I'm not contributing to this mess. But even then that does nothing to improve the suffering I'm going through right now. I also struggle with insomnia and being underweight which definitely is not helping my situation. I'm trying to take steps to improve things such as quitting drugs and alcohol and going to the gym but I still feel this overwhelming since of depression of being a complete failure. There's a bridge within reasonable driving distance that has a 100% success rate for ctb and it's comforting to know I have that in my back pocket. I really want to end this before it gets any worse but for now it's I'm doing my best to stick around and not go that route.

Hello & welcome. Sorry you're suffering mentally + physically. If you're able to, swimming might help your back a little. Try doing little things each day....you've already said you're taking steps to help which is good. Depression sadly is very overwhelming & it can feel endless. It's so hard constantly living in darkness *hugs*

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is ideal not to bring any more life into this world. It would prevent all of the problems and suffering that person would have had to experience if they were brought here, so it's good to hear that you will not be choosing to procreate.

It must be so tiring what you are going through and your feelings of wanting to leave before life gets worse are understandable. It's so horrible how there is no limit as to how bad things can get. Life is nothing more than a cruel mistake which is why the thought of non existence comforts me.
I wish you the best.

 

[MidnightDream]

New here. The other night I had the worst depression of my life. Just came very clear to me my life will not amount to anything. I have a bad back so standing on my feet for long periods of time or doing anything labor intensive is completely off the table which rules me out for any decent employment. It's becoming harder and harder to find a reason to keep going. Even if I could find a job that accommodates me I can't imagine going the next several decades going to work day in and day out all of that just seems so terrible. One thing I have to hang my hat on is I don't and will not have kids so at least I'm not contributing to this mess. But even then that does nothing to improve the suffering I'm going through right now. I also struggle with insomnia and being underweight which definitely is not helping my situation. I'm trying to take steps to improve things such as quitting drugs and alcohol and going to the gym but I still feel this overwhelming since of depression of being a complete failure. There's a bridge within reasonable driving distance that has a 100% success rate for ctb and it's comforting to know I have that in my back pocket. I really want to end this before it gets any worse but for now it's I'm doing my best to stick around and not go that route.

I'm with you. I have a bad back too since a car accident and I'm currently pursuing a career that involves very labour intensive 12 hour shifts for the next 3 years. Even though I know it's temporary, it does feel incredibly hopeless sometimes when I'm waking up in the morning already in pain and doctors just keep telling me to exercise. But the concept of working a 9-5 in an office depresses me even more - it's a lose lose. I'm also trying to quit drug use and alcohol and get into a gym habit (to appease the doctors more than anything else), so if you're wanting to give that a try my dms are always open, maybe we could help eachother stay motivated? Maybe that's gonna be difficult but the offers there.

 

[planningmyexit]

Don't go to the gym while being under weight!!!

You'll burn muscle as fuel for energy. And ligaments. That's why your back hurts, you're burn out & miserable. You're starving. Food gives brain rewards but you bypass it by toxic drugs & alcohol.

• Not enough vitamins & mineral
• Too much exercise
• Poison

It's the trio of death. Do the opposite

• Eat greens & meat (high in vitamin c & b)
• Maximum rest to rebuild your body
• Replace compensating with poison by what your body need. Alchohol craving & for energy = B vitamins. Relaxation = c & magnesium. D too.

Do do the opposite and you'll have the opposite result. It's not being lazy it's energy preservation & healing

Now you know. Do what you wish

I appreciate your tips but believe me I'm fine going to the gym at my weight right now. Ive been going to the gym on and off for many years I have a lot of experience when it comes to this type of thing. My back was hurting even when I was at a healthy weight. It's really only recently that I've been underweight