So I recently discovered this site and have been lurking without an account for about a week now - this morning I got accepted, so I thought I'd share the circumstances that brought me here in the hopes that someone might be able to relate and it'll help them. And for personal catharsis, of course. You all seem like very sweet, caring and centered individuals and I love the mutual respect I've witnessed on this forum.
A little about me - I'm 25 years old (female) and currently in my last year of med school in the UK. I actually absolutely love med school, despite the stress and pressure. But that's because I'm someone who has always flourished in an academic environment and that's my biggest virtue. I break my back to consistently do well and pour all of my energy into school. Indeed, I don't have a particularly low opinion of myself, which makes me doubt that I'm depressed. I'm more of a realist. I could tell you plenty of good qualities I have - I'm curious, kind when I want to be, and I actually love my personality. Of course I'm deeply flawed but we all are; I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Yet I still want out and I have wanted out since I was 12, despite my best efforts.
Everywhere else but academia I've repeatedly fallen on my face. Friendship, romance, self care, hobbies, the ever elusive concept of "self improvement." I don't care about the things other people seem to obsess about. I don't care about material goods, I don't care about people in my personal life enough to pour the required energy into maintaining the friendships so they just fizzle out. And in general, I genuinely don't get much pleasure out of anything. I feel like I've had anhedonia since puberty, I can count the number of instances I've felt anything other than flat or worse on one hand with a few fingers missing. And on top of that I'm miserably ugly. Thankfully I'm a woman though, right, so at least I can still get laid? No, because I'm a lesbian, and being an ugly lesbian is a double edged sword. Men don't approach me but neither do women.
I don't say that in a low self esteem kind of way, I say it objectively. I'm a healthy weight and in great physical shape so it isn't that. It's literally just my features. I have a very very large forehead that kind of protrudes outwards with my hairline beginning in a straight line behind each ear. My hair is also incredibly fine and delicate and falls out regularly. It grows very slowly too, so even though I've been "growing it out" for years with only occasional trims it's only to my shoulders. Ironically I'm as hairy as a man elsewhere, just not from neck up. Almost no eyebrows or eyelashes either. I have small, thin lips, with my lower lip being the same size as my upper lip and I also have no jawline whatsoever and a very weak chin.
Let me tell you, being ugly really sucks. I've watched my entire life people being treated differently because they're beautiful. Career-wise, I've always worried about my looks hindering me. I wouldn't want to be looking into my face as I received heartbreaking news. I'm not just regular average or even regular ugly, I'm the kind of person others stare at on the street. More than once I've had little kids exclaim "Mommy, look at that girls forehead! It's huuuuuge!" on the street. Not that I mind little kids saying such things because they don't do it with a drop of malicious intent, but little kids are honest. They say what they see. I'm sure other people can understand what a disadvantage not having looks in life can be, though, because we do all form unconscious biases when we look at someone. It doesn't matter how amazing of a person you are because people see your exterior first not what's inside.
I used to fantasise about life being like a Roald Dahl book. I loved this quote as a kid:
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."
And if only it was true, and inner beauty shone out of you like that. We'd all know exactly who to avoid and looks would actually mean something instead of just being your lot in a random genetic lottery. I hate how much society values beauty. This body often feels like a prison, nowhere near free or big enough to contain me. I don't believe in an afterlife, but eternal sleep is better than being forced to inhibit a body.
I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never had anyone have a crush on me. I understand that's not unusual from lesbians at my age because of the shallow dating pool but it still really sucks. I weep for all the pain in the world. I have seen too much, read too much, looked into too much, become too aware. They say ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is ignorance and bliss is bliss, I don't think they're related for me. I've felt like something was very deeply wrong about this world from a young age, I just couldn't put a finger on what and why. Now I can and at least it makes sense. But it doesn't help to know. I don't want to be here.
That's all I feel like writing because this is getting too long. I plan to catch the bus, as it seems to be referred as on here, the moment I've figured out partial hanging and my mother's birthday has passed since I'm going home for it. I plan to do it deep in a local woods, so maybe my body won't be found for a long time and I can melt back into the earth. I'm happy enough to be eaten by woodland critters - it's a form of giving back.
A little about me - I'm 25 years old (female) and currently in my last year of med school in the UK. I actually absolutely love med school, despite the stress and pressure. But that's because I'm someone who has always flourished in an academic environment and that's my biggest virtue. I break my back to consistently do well and pour all of my energy into school. Indeed, I don't have a particularly low opinion of myself, which makes me doubt that I'm depressed. I'm more of a realist. I could tell you plenty of good qualities I have - I'm curious, kind when I want to be, and I actually love my personality. Of course I'm deeply flawed but we all are; I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Yet I still want out and I have wanted out since I was 12, despite my best efforts.
Everywhere else but academia I've repeatedly fallen on my face. Friendship, romance, self care, hobbies, the ever elusive concept of "self improvement." I don't care about the things other people seem to obsess about. I don't care about material goods, I don't care about people in my personal life enough to pour the required energy into maintaining the friendships so they just fizzle out. And in general, I genuinely don't get much pleasure out of anything. I feel like I've had anhedonia since puberty, I can count the number of instances I've felt anything other than flat or worse on one hand with a few fingers missing. And on top of that I'm miserably ugly. Thankfully I'm a woman though, right, so at least I can still get laid? No, because I'm a lesbian, and being an ugly lesbian is a double edged sword. Men don't approach me but neither do women.
I don't say that in a low self esteem kind of way, I say it objectively. I'm a healthy weight and in great physical shape so it isn't that. It's literally just my features. I have a very very large forehead that kind of protrudes outwards with my hairline beginning in a straight line behind each ear. My hair is also incredibly fine and delicate and falls out regularly. It grows very slowly too, so even though I've been "growing it out" for years with only occasional trims it's only to my shoulders. Ironically I'm as hairy as a man elsewhere, just not from neck up. Almost no eyebrows or eyelashes either. I have small, thin lips, with my lower lip being the same size as my upper lip and I also have no jawline whatsoever and a very weak chin.
Let me tell you, being ugly really sucks. I've watched my entire life people being treated differently because they're beautiful. Career-wise, I've always worried about my looks hindering me. I wouldn't want to be looking into my face as I received heartbreaking news. I'm not just regular average or even regular ugly, I'm the kind of person others stare at on the street. More than once I've had little kids exclaim "Mommy, look at that girls forehead! It's huuuuuge!" on the street. Not that I mind little kids saying such things because they don't do it with a drop of malicious intent, but little kids are honest. They say what they see. I'm sure other people can understand what a disadvantage not having looks in life can be, though, because we do all form unconscious biases when we look at someone. It doesn't matter how amazing of a person you are because people see your exterior first not what's inside.
I used to fantasise about life being like a Roald Dahl book. I loved this quote as a kid:
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."
And if only it was true, and inner beauty shone out of you like that. We'd all know exactly who to avoid and looks would actually mean something instead of just being your lot in a random genetic lottery. I hate how much society values beauty. This body often feels like a prison, nowhere near free or big enough to contain me. I don't believe in an afterlife, but eternal sleep is better than being forced to inhibit a body.
I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never had anyone have a crush on me. I understand that's not unusual from lesbians at my age because of the shallow dating pool but it still really sucks. I weep for all the pain in the world. I have seen too much, read too much, looked into too much, become too aware. They say ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is ignorance and bliss is bliss, I don't think they're related for me. I've felt like something was very deeply wrong about this world from a young age, I just couldn't put a finger on what and why. Now I can and at least it makes sense. But it doesn't help to know. I don't want to be here.
That's all I feel like writing because this is getting too long. I plan to catch the bus, as it seems to be referred as on here, the moment I've figured out partial hanging and my mother's birthday has passed since I'm going home for it. I plan to do it deep in a local woods, so maybe my body won't be found for a long time and I can melt back into the earth. I'm happy enough to be eaten by woodland critters - it's a form of giving back.
