Story New here (relieved); might ctb this week

[checkedout]

Hi, I just got approved which is a huge relief for me. I've been reading through posts for over a month now, trying to decide how I want to ctb. I wasn't planning to join, but lately I've been feeling really alone in this and know that if I tell anyone, I'll end up in the hospital. I just need to be surrounded by people who understand and won't tell me I'm being selfish for even considering it.

I've been depressed most of my life. The first time I admitted I was suicidal, I was 11 and my teacher scolded me and said it was not okay to say things like that ("I want to die"). I've attempted a few times, and been in the hospital twice. I recently bought SN and have been figuring out the details for when and where to ctb. I may end up doing it this week, because the timing would be kind of perfect for a few different reasons.

The one thing that holds me back is knowing it's going to hurt the people close to me. My mom, for sure. I don't know how she'll manage , because she is already depressed and doesn't have a good support network. My sister and my husband will be devastated.

But I don't know....I've been in therapy for over 15+ years, I've been on countless medications, I've tried all of the things to help ease depression and anxiety, and yet I still struggle. I had a recent med change, and lately I just feel numb. Not even sad anymore....which is a weird feeling when you're contemplating suicide.

Anyways, I just wanted to put that out there and talk to some people who hopefully get it.

 

[AtMostOkay]

I get it. You're tired. Exhausted, even. Depression is so very taxing. Welcome, please chat as you like. Peace xoxo

 

[Idontmatter]

Hi, I just got approved which is a huge relief for me. I've been reading through posts for over a month now, trying to decide how I want to ctb. I wasn't planning to join, but lately I've been feeling really alone in this and know that if I tell anyone, I'll end up in the hospital. I just need to be surrounded by people who understand and won't tell me I'm being selfish for even considering it.

I've been depressed most of my life. The first time I admitted I was suicidal, I was 11 and my teacher scolded me and said it was not okay to say things like that ("I want to die"). I've attempted a few times, and been in the hospital twice. I recently bought SN and have been figuring out the details for when and where to ctb. I may end up doing it this week, because the timing would be kind of perfect for a few different reasons.

The one thing that holds me back is knowing it's going to hurt the people close to me. My mom, for sure. I don't know how she'll manage , because she is already depressed and doesn't have a good support network. My sister and my husband will be devastated.

But I don't know....I've been in therapy for over 15+ years, I've been on countless medications, I've tried all of the things to help ease depression and anxiety, and yet I still struggle. I had a recent med change, and lately I just feel numb. Not even sad anymore....which is a weird feeling when you're contemplating suicide.

Anyways, I just wanted to put that out there and talk to some people who hopefully get it.

I definitely get it and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's frustrating trying to find different treatments and nothing works. It's sad that this our only alternative left.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot, life is so tiring. I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling when you have tried everything and yet nothing helps. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Labean]

Вы многое пережили и многое осознали, но боль не утихает, и ответственность за своих близких не может успокоить эту боль. Пожалуйста, решите сами, что для вас важнее на данном этапе. И только после этого выберите для себя мирный путь.

 

[After Life]

welcome , its hard this thing we call life sometimes and all the medication or money in the world is not allways the cure for how we feel . i hope that you find your self some what better in due time . depression is a tricky thing , wish you well

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

I have not a lot to say other than welcome around and whether your stay here is short of long, I wish you the best and good luck with your plans. As I always say, no shame on postponing it, do it when it feels right. This place will still be here, perhaps not with me or other members, but will still exist.

Good luck.