alwaysSuffering
Member
- May 29, 2021
- 42
I'm new here. Been lurking for a couple weeks. Everyone seems very nice and understanding here. I figured I'd introduce myself.
My life has been nothing but a series of traumas. My childhood was a living hell. I was abused by my father and my mother only cared about my sister. I spent the first 18 years of my life living in fear. I left home the moment I turned 18, moved 1000 mi away and thought everything would get better. Instead, I went through a series of traumatic, abusive relationships and events and encountered the worst people the planet has to offer (including 2 registered sex offenders). I have spent over 15 years in therapy, seen over a dozen therapists, tried a slew of antidepressants (have terrible reactions to them all except benzos), and studied psychology/self help in my many attempts to fix my life. All in vain. My life has been like the movie Groundhog Day where I try my hardest to change the circumstances but the same pattern repeats itself no matter what I do.
About 15 years ago, while in college, I was diagnosed with PTSD which has gotten significantly worse since then as these traumas have compounded on one another through the years. About 9 years ago, I had to start working from home because I just wasn't able to go into work anymore due to the severity of my symptoms. Over the last 10 years, I've had issues with chronic illness and have now added Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue to my list of issues. In the last 4 years, I've developed a severe GI disorder that they think might be Crohn's disease. I rarely have any energy to do anything. In the last year or so, I've spent the majority of time in bed. I've seen so many doctors and specialists to try to get better but nothing helps.
I have no close relationships. All I had was my dog. The most amazingly perfect dog in the world. The biggest, strongest, healthiest dog. I've lived alone with him for the last 7 years. We did everything together. Spent every minute of every day and night together. 19 days ago, he collapsed and died at my feet suddenly. It was just a normal day. He had been running around doing normal things until that moment. I tried to save him and gave him CPR but I couldn't save him. They said it was probably an arrhythmia and that they wouldn't even have been able to save him if it had happened at the vet's office. That there's nothing I could have done. I can't get the images out of my mind. He was my best friend, my only friend, and my protector. He was my baby. He was my world.
Now I'm alone, in an empty house. My life is exponentially worse than it was 3 weeks ago. Prior to that, I had already been thinking of death/suicide daily but I had him to keep me going. I wasn't going to abandoned him. Now, I don't see a point to any of this suffering.
I've been suicidal since childhood. I remember almost attempting suicide (holding a knife to my chest) at 10 years old. My teenage years were even worse. I've been reading lots of posts on this site for the past few weeks. Prior to coming here, I had planned on hanging myself but I don't think I want to do that now. I have guns but I don't want to leave that kind of mess for someone to find. My life is hell largely due to PTSD and I don't want to give PTSD to anyone else and ruin their life. Since reading about N here, I really want N. But I'm afraid to order it and getting caught. I would likely lose my career if I got caught/charged. Then I would really be screwed if I didn't have N or a job. I thought about driving to Mexico but it's a pretty long drive for me. It'd take 2 days there and 2 days back.
I also read about Pegasos in Switzerland and I thought maybe that's the best way to go, for those who can afford it. It'd be nice to get N via IV rather than drinking and having someone else there to support you through it. From what I read on their site, you don't have to be terminally ill to go there. So I'm wondering why I haven't read more about it on this site? Does anyone know of any posts from people who utilized clinics? I do not have a search bar in the upper right of my screen (I'm on Firefox if that matters) so I'm unable to search for posts.
My life has been nothing but a series of traumas. My childhood was a living hell. I was abused by my father and my mother only cared about my sister. I spent the first 18 years of my life living in fear. I left home the moment I turned 18, moved 1000 mi away and thought everything would get better. Instead, I went through a series of traumatic, abusive relationships and events and encountered the worst people the planet has to offer (including 2 registered sex offenders). I have spent over 15 years in therapy, seen over a dozen therapists, tried a slew of antidepressants (have terrible reactions to them all except benzos), and studied psychology/self help in my many attempts to fix my life. All in vain. My life has been like the movie Groundhog Day where I try my hardest to change the circumstances but the same pattern repeats itself no matter what I do.
About 15 years ago, while in college, I was diagnosed with PTSD which has gotten significantly worse since then as these traumas have compounded on one another through the years. About 9 years ago, I had to start working from home because I just wasn't able to go into work anymore due to the severity of my symptoms. Over the last 10 years, I've had issues with chronic illness and have now added Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue to my list of issues. In the last 4 years, I've developed a severe GI disorder that they think might be Crohn's disease. I rarely have any energy to do anything. In the last year or so, I've spent the majority of time in bed. I've seen so many doctors and specialists to try to get better but nothing helps.
I have no close relationships. All I had was my dog. The most amazingly perfect dog in the world. The biggest, strongest, healthiest dog. I've lived alone with him for the last 7 years. We did everything together. Spent every minute of every day and night together. 19 days ago, he collapsed and died at my feet suddenly. It was just a normal day. He had been running around doing normal things until that moment. I tried to save him and gave him CPR but I couldn't save him. They said it was probably an arrhythmia and that they wouldn't even have been able to save him if it had happened at the vet's office. That there's nothing I could have done. I can't get the images out of my mind. He was my best friend, my only friend, and my protector. He was my baby. He was my world.
Now I'm alone, in an empty house. My life is exponentially worse than it was 3 weeks ago. Prior to that, I had already been thinking of death/suicide daily but I had him to keep me going. I wasn't going to abandoned him. Now, I don't see a point to any of this suffering.
I've been suicidal since childhood. I remember almost attempting suicide (holding a knife to my chest) at 10 years old. My teenage years were even worse. I've been reading lots of posts on this site for the past few weeks. Prior to coming here, I had planned on hanging myself but I don't think I want to do that now. I have guns but I don't want to leave that kind of mess for someone to find. My life is hell largely due to PTSD and I don't want to give PTSD to anyone else and ruin their life. Since reading about N here, I really want N. But I'm afraid to order it and getting caught. I would likely lose my career if I got caught/charged. Then I would really be screwed if I didn't have N or a job. I thought about driving to Mexico but it's a pretty long drive for me. It'd take 2 days there and 2 days back.
I also read about Pegasos in Switzerland and I thought maybe that's the best way to go, for those who can afford it. It'd be nice to get N via IV rather than drinking and having someone else there to support you through it. From what I read on their site, you don't have to be terminally ill to go there. So I'm wondering why I haven't read more about it on this site? Does anyone know of any posts from people who utilized clinics? I do not have a search bar in the upper right of my screen (I'm on Firefox if that matters) so I'm unable to search for posts.
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