New here: looking for advice, giving wholesome story

[yololu]

Hello there,

I've never been in this situation and I'm trying to find the right words, but it's really hard to write my thoughts down and ask for help. I came across this forum while I was searching on the darkweb for easy ways to die. My problems don't seem to be that heavy comparing to many of the problems you guys have. A good friend told me, that every problem is a big problem. Maybe in my eyes someones problem doesn't seem that big, but in the eyes of this person, it is.
Also, sorry for my bad English.



Since I've been a teenager I have thoughts in my head, telling me I'm worthless and no one likes me. I mean, they we're right: in school I was the bullied kid, but I did my job well and the whole class stood together to make my life worse. But there is more, like my mom that never actually talked and listened to me or my dad, who always was working abroad and came home at weekends to shout at me for having bad grades.

Around the end of march 2023 my girlfriend broke up with me, telling me I'm not spending enough time with her and not giving her the emotional closeness she needs. I mean, I was working three weeks everyday for 12 hours, because there was a shitload of work to do at my company. Also, she is studying medicine, so she will have to work 12 hours and more and at a higher frequency. Furthermore, in these weeks I had to search a new roommate, because the old one moved out, and was also searching for a new flat, because since she has a dog (around January), that is not allowed in the shared apartment, we have seen each other less often. Her second argument did hurt a lot more. I've never opened up to someone and never told anyone about that voice inside my head, telling me I'm pathetic at the time I wake up and yells at me that I'm worthless, every time I'm doing nothing and trying to think about nothing. So my little fucked up brain thought, it would be the right thing, to open up to her, tell her about that voice, how every of my day is. How often I think about jumping out of the window (4th floor). She laughed, for a second or two, and at this moment the voice told me, that even the closest friend I'll ever have, will be laughing about my life.

I still think about her laughing and asking me the whole time why she did that. She wants to be a doc, she can't laugh at someone and tell that person about his or her diagnosis, can she? I'm telling myself, this was just a reflex.

The next days were pretty fucked, so I visited some friends at my old hometown, trying to forget about all this stuff, drink a lot and have some distraction. Luckily it turned out really fine, until I downloaded Bumble and found my Ex there. Normally, I can separate work and private stuff, but I had a panic attack and had to leave. Seeing her being over me, thinking about her dating new guys after a week, was horrible for me. I saw all the wonderful memories and the time we spend together in my head. The voice was getting louder again. I went home, thinking about writing her and apologizing, but I didn't even knew why I should? I few days later I had a good conversation with a friend and he gave me the advice to just write her and ask, why she left me, so I finally can get over this.
We met at the same place we had our first date. It was a nice day, although it was a bit cold. I felt fine, although I was completely nervous and pinching the cable of my headphones the whole time. So we talked and she explained to me, why she left me besides being emotional cold and not having enough time in that three weeks:
-I didn't show much interest in her hobbies and never went cycling or bouldering with her. Although she showed interest in my hobbies, like playing guitar
-She was more at my place than I was at hers. She felt like she has to come to me to keep this relationship together
-I never managed to communicate. Even in these three weeks I could have called her and show her I'm interested, but I didn't
-She felt unattractive, because every time we had sexy time, she began with the whole procedure and I never started
-I'm doing more favors for my friends than for my girlfriend

She said she was over me so quick, because in these three weeks, I never called and had only little time for her. She felt like I had broken up with her weeks ago and she has no boyfriend anymore.

I came home, went to bed and started crying. This is not the first time someone breaks up with me giving me this exact explanation. This is like the fourth or fifth time. Why can't I change? Why am I that miserable? Thinking about jumping out of the fourth floor didn't felt that bad now. Or jumping in front of a train. The world is full of bad man treating woman really bad and suddenly I felt like one of those guys, but I'm really not. I didn't beat her or did things to her, I'm just a miserable guy with a miserable life.

I started to open up to friends. Tell them about the voice, how I'm feeling, how my relationship ended. For the first time, I felt like people are really listening to me and seeing me like a human. They really like me and it felt great. They gave me advice, helped me through the worst time after a break up.

I finally had the courage to go to a therapist. I think there is some kind of behavior I have to give up. There must be a way to get rid of the voice or make it at least sound a bit more nice. It can't be, that I'm unhappy with my life and dating someone makes me happy. I want to be happy on my own, even without girlfriend. I want to learn, how to communicate and call my girlfriend, even when I'm sad. I want to learn to open up, but step by step and not play the suicide card, when she asks whats wrong with me. I must start to make the first steps when having sex with my girlfriend and make her feel loved. And I have to show interest in her hobbies. I need to come out of my shell, be less anxious and work out on my anxiety.

Can't wait for July, when therapy will start. There will be a lot of work, but I'm sure it will be fine. If there is somebody, who went to a therapist, please tell me. I'm pretty nervous, because I will be analyzed and some stranger will tell me all about my fucking bad behaviors. Also, I have to open up so some stranger and I had problems opening up to my friends. How did it turn out? How long will it take for me?

At the moment it is clear for me: I will not kill myself. There's too much things in this world I want to see and I'm pretty curious.

XOXO

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I think talking to your ex was a good move, and it seems like you both went about it in a pretty mature way. You reached out to her, she told you why the relationship wasn't working out for her, and you listened. It's not easy to stand there in front of someone you loved and ask them "what did I do wrong?", but you've done it and you're noticing that there's something to what she said. And again, instead of shutting down, you've decided you want to make a change, open up to people, and learn how to manage your emotions and behaviours in a healthier way that will allow you connect more meaningfully with people in your life. This whole situation requires a high level of maturity and introspection, and you seem to be up for it. That's a great way to start.

Now, regarding therapy: it's not possible to say "how long" it will take, because it's a deeply personal process. You seem like you're going in with a good attitude and an honest desire to improve, so that's very encouraging. Still, you're not going to notice drastic changes after a couple of sessions with your therapist. In my case, I noticed that my attitudes and behaviours were shifting in subtle ways after the first couple of months, but it wasn't until my therapist and I did a side-by-side comparison of sorts, after my first year working with her, that I realised how different my attitude was in general.

Also, I was lucky because my therapist and I clicked pretty much instantly, and from the very first session I felt comfortable talking to her. I was lucky because my therapist and I clicked almost immediately, and I felt comfortable talking to her pretty much from the start. Keep in mind that your experience can be different, and it may take you some time to feel comfortable opening up to your therapist. It's normal and it can take a few sessions until you get there. A friend, for example, told me she was worried because she had been seeing her therapist for over a month and still felt really nervous and awkward talking to her. It took her a couple more weeks to get settled, but these days she seems to have a pretty open and fruitful relationship with her therapist. She deals with very high levels of anxiety, so it was to be expected that the process would take longer for her.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it's entirely possible that the first therapist you see simply won't be the right one for you. That "click" might not happen with them. This is also perfectly normal. Just like you don't feel like befriending or getting into a relatioship with every random person you meet, you might not be able to develop a good relationship with any random therapist you meet. This doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, or that therapy is not for you, or that the therapist is bad. At the end of the day, we're all human and we don't automatically get along with everyone.

If, after working for a while with your therapist, you feel like you're not getting anywhere, tell them that. Some people don't tell their therapist when things aren't working for them because they're afraid of a negative reaction, or of "hurting" the therapist's feelings. Don't worry about that, they're professionals and they know how to deal with feedback. In fact, your feedback throughout the process is essential for it to actually work. Don't be afraid to change therapists either, if the one you're working with is just not a good fit for you. Share your concerns with your therapist, and they might be able to refer you to someone else if necessary. A professional therapist cares about their patient and wants them to get better, even if that means referring them to someone who is in a better position to help. And finally, if the therapist does something actually harmful or unethical, get the hell out of there. Therapy is not always pleasant, because it makes us confront our struggles, but there's a difference between that type of discomfort, and dealing with someone who's actually being an asshole.

Good luck, and be strong!

 

[timf]

You may find that you are gong to have to be a bit more selective when it comes to relationships. Someone who values you for who you are would be more productive to invest time with than someone who sees you as an inconvenient appendage.

It is seldom useful to beat yourself up over "worthlessness". Everyone has value, but it differs in the eye of the beholder. The better you get at reading others, the quicker it will be to find someone who can value you.

 

[yololu]

Thanks @

TransilvanianHunger

for these wholesome words you gave me.

I'm 27 and, like I wrote before, this is not the first relationship that ended this way. I don't want to be lonely in my older days, I'm pretty afraid of that. But I can't just have a woman in my life and be in a relationship, so I'm not lonely anymore. Self acceptance is key for an healthy life, that's what I'm thinking lately. There's a lot of work to do, but unfortunately I thought it would take like 5 or 6 sessions to learn and accept myself. Maybe this is kind of naive.

I really hope to open up quickly to my therapist. Some weeks ago we had our first talk to get to know each other and roughly talked about what's seem to be my problems. I had a good feeling telling her about my Ex-relationships and how all of these ended, but I did not had the courage to talk about that voice and about my past. This seems to be really hard to work out on. Let's assume that I get that "click". How does it feel like? Will I see her as a friend or like a teacher? I'm not pretty sure if I can befriend someone who is older than me, but also I never had older friends. Anyway, I hope for that "click" and the courage to open up completely. It's always hard for me to open up to someone and it's not getting easier every time a relationship ends, even with friends. And also, there are too few therapy places in my city. I was lucky a friend of mine did kind of family therapy with her and recommended her to me, so there was kind of "connection" and I didn't have to wait that long.

Giving my therapist feedback, if it doesn't work out, will be kind of difficult. It's difficult for me to tell someone, that I didn't like things, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. But thanks for this advice, I don't want to waste my time or someone else's time, or worse, if someone else needs this therapy place and this therapist is perfect for this person. But you're right, a therapist can only improve himself, if he's getting honest feedback and knows, what the problem with the therapy is.



Thanks

timf

, sure I don't want to be someones inconvenient appendage. If it is so, this is wasted time for both part of the relationship. But I'm pretty picky when it comes to relationships, so I hope I wasn't just some guy for her, because she wasn't just some girl.

Maybe the first thing I have to learn is self-love. So then, I can see my value. I mean, in society and work I can see my value, but not when it comes to relationship kind of stuff.

How did you learn to improve reading others? It's kind of naive, that I fall in love quickly, but see the bad parts way too late.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Let's assume that I get that "click". How does it feel like? Will I see her as a friend or like a teacher? I'm not pretty sure if I can befriend someone who is older than me, but also I never had older friends.

I guess I'd describe it more as a confidant, but it's not an exact description. "Friend" is definitely not it. Your therapist can't be your "friend" because, the moment they do, they stop being objective. A friend might not want to call you out when you're doing something dumb because it could hurt your feelings, but a therapist needs to be able to do that. Not be mean or rude about it, but it's part of their job to point those things out. And, if you start thinking of your therapist as a friend, it's easy to fall into the trap of taking things personally, and then things like this can happen:

Giving my therapist feedback, if it doesn't work out, will be kind of difficult. It's difficult for me to tell someone, that I didn't like things, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

Like I said, a professional therapist will appreciate the feedback and try to improve things or try different approaches to make the therapy more beneficial. You're paying for a professional service, at the end of the day, and therapists don't want to just sit there and get paid. It's in everyone's best interest to be open and communicate what's working and what isn't.

Back to the question of how you'll see a therapist once you "click" with them, I can talk about my personal experience a bit. I appreciate my therapist a lot, I'm very thankful for having her around, and I look forward to our sessions every week, but she's not my friend. We don't hang out or text each other randomly. If I had met her in a different context we would absolutely be friends, but we have a professional relationship and it needs to stay that way for it to be helpful.

For me, my therapist kind of lives outside of my regular, everyday life. She plays the role of a guide sometimes, giving me insights into my own thought process, listening to what I want to say, and calling me out on my bullshit when necessary. She doesn't judge me, even if I say something silly or embarrassing. It took me a while to get to the point where I could talk to her about literally anything, but it happened organically. You don't have to share more than what you feel comfortable sharing, just keep in mind that the therapist is there to listen without judging, and the more open you can be the better the results can be.

 

[yololu]

TransilvanianHunger

sorry for answering that late, I was on vacation with friends and didn't want to write about my thoughts in a forum while sharing a flat with them. Thanks for the advice, I get why my therapist shouldn't be my friend. As mentioned, one of my main problems is to be too anxious to tell people, if they're hurting or making me feel uncomfortable. I hope my therapist will be patient enough to teach me how to tell this.

I read some posts and I think there are many people, that have similar thoughts and problems like me. I will use this forum to talk about the therapy (starting in July) and also to get advice from another perspective when writing about my thoughts. If I get it right, that's one of the main topics, why this forum exists.