New here, and suicide is scary, ya know?

[lookingforward]

First off, I'm glad this exists. Only just found out. Relieved to speak freely in a way Reddit didn't allow.

Was just scrolling through FB. It seems like this sort of, I don't know, summation of the world as I know it. And it's scary to me, to think of leaving it all behind, knowing there's no going back. Sure it's a cesspool of selfishness, greed, obstinance, flakiness, mindlessness, corruption, consumerism, shitty mental health care....but that being said, it is the devil I know. It's the world I know.

I think about just no longer existing, no more conscious thought, and I can't wrap my head around it. Death. It's so huge. It's so final (unless there is in fact something else). It would be the biggest decision I ever made.

Intellectually I know if I don't go, I'm looking at another 40 years maybe of hiding my true self, never fitting in, never feeling truly accepted or loved, struggling to survive and to be heard. Constantly proving I deserve acceptance. That sounds pretty awful. And I guess I wish I had like, giant metaphorical scissors to just snip those ties to a world that does not serve me well.

But I don't have them. And so I don't know how to cut the world loose and have everything that has ever mattered to my conscience just cease to. It feels like an abusive relationship I just can't seem to leave- but much, much bigger. I've always been so very bad at leaving, when I don't have any idea what's coming. Stuck.

 

[Sternum]

I only just found this too, and i'm also glad it exists. I relate completely to your fear of no longer existing. Paradoxically, no longer existing is the only thing I want. I absolutely can't wrap my head around it. To think about an ant or squirrel or dog or even another human no longer existing is not that hard for me, but to think about myself no longer existing is impossible. To conceptualized the end of my own existence... I'm just unable to do that. I read on here somebody else say something to the effect that if you have fear, you're not ready. Not sure i agree. I think there is just an inherent fear of death. For me though, the fear of another 40 years of life just sounds unbearable. So, i have no solution but at least i commiserate.

 

[Malice1]

I agree with everything you wrote OP. Especially this part..

It feels like an abusive relationship I just can't seem to leave- but much, much bigger. I've always been so very bad at leaving, when I don't have any idea what's coming. Stuck.

Thats how i feel right now.

 

[Phantom]

That would be it, and beautifully expressed if I may say so.

I've been struggling to say the same: I don't really think life's so great, but I'm more than anything afraid of the unknown. It's not that I don't know of death as I know it. It's that I'll never be able to comprehend complete nonexistence; I don't know if it's too big thing, or too simple to make any human out of, or just too different from us.

I never like to move when the other side feels unknown. This is one of the walls which I may never be able to scale, until forced by natural or involuntary death.

This life, our prison makes us so afraid of freedom, one could say that we're institutionalized to life. We don't know, we don't want to know, and we will not believe what's on the other side. We will hold the known dear, even while the known tears us apart. The unknown is too big to comprehend; it does not obey us or our rules, and we will never make it support us, like this pain provided in life does, as a chain. We don't want to wander in the desert of death forever, and we don't want to cease existence because we don't believe in our own nonexistence. I hate it.

 

[gesso]

hey, I legitimately just signed up 10 minutes ago. I'm really glad that this website exists too because I now know that there are other people who feel the exact same way that I do.
your post summed up exactly what i'm feeling right now. "It feels like an abusive relationship I just can't seem to leave- but much, much bigger. I've always been so very bad at leaving, when I don't have any idea what's coming." I'm not sure how this website works but i just wanted to say thank you for describing it like that.

 

[lookingforward]

For me it iisn't a perfect analogy, because while I support an exiter, I'm not going to flat out tell anyone to just get out of this relationship with the world. I actually don't want it to have to come down to you to have to force yourself out of the world you know to end your suffering- I am human and don't like the acknowledgment that we don't have the social infrastructure in place to make life bearable for all, to where no one voluntarily leaves. Because I know the money is there...and it hurts so much to know that underneath it all, the powerful not only don't prioritize quality of life (and the plebes get in line), but there is this wild hypocrisy of then also demanding people don't kill themselves (in most countries- I'm in the U.S.)- and you're punished if you get caught trying and failing to leave (psych ward). It's as if society is throwing up on people and then accusing them of smelling bad.

But I know this phenomenon is true for some, and I don't know what it's like to suffer as you. It's one of those unique choices I believe has to solely come from the life-owner.

Perhaps I equate it to knowing that if you do get out, there are maybe no resources for you. You're going into the wild, into the unknown...as if, death = apocalyptic world (I bet that's the unconscious feeling someone has who just cannot leave an abusive relationship....or community).

So until the time comes- if it ever comes- for exit compassion and support and "good luck out there", we here. And I wonder if there's anything we can do then, to support each other while we are in these "bad relationships". How to get by. Whether that is hoping to change the relationship enough to make it bearable (this CAN theoretically be done, it's been done before- the question is, "Am I one of the people who can/has the strength/resources to do that?"), or just finding like-minded allies (I feel I have them in you, but I do not have any IRL) who also feel abused.

 

[Malice1]

Perhaps I equate it to knowing that if you do get out, there are maybe no resources for you. You're going into the wild, into the unknown...as if, death = apocalyptic world

Well put. Thats the scary part i presume. Leaving your support system (despite it being abusive) for something wild and unknown. Good posts all around in here.

 

[Fylobatica]

I think about just no longer existing, no more conscious thought, and I can't wrap my head around it

we've actually spent way more time being non-existent rather than the opposite. So it will be again, though for a longer time, after our passing for natural or accidental causes.

 

[FullFat]

I believe death is truly the end. While I know that's better than Biblical hell, it's still terrifying to imagine. The devil and his pitchforks and eternal flames are easier to accept than nothingness. I can imagine burning and pain. I have no experience of true, permanent nothingness. When I go to sleep, it's with an expectation that I'm going to wake up, so it's not the same. My grandmother says all the time, "I don't fear death. I just don't want to be there when it happens". I'm not nearly as equanimous about death, but I agree that it would be ideal if it were a surprise. I hope I die suddenly in a car crash or something before I'm forced die by my own hand.

 

[Sternum]

I believe death is truly the end. While I know that's better than Biblical hell, it's still terrifying to imagine. The devil and his pitchforks and eternal flames are easier to accept than nothingness. I can imagine burning and pain. I have no experience of true, permanent nothingness. When I go to sleep, it's with an expectation that I'm going to wake up, so it's not the same. My grandmother says all the time, "I don't fear death. I just don't want to be there when it happens". I'm not nearly as equanimous about death, but I agree that it would be ideal if it were a surprise. I hope I die suddenly in a car crash or something before I'm forced die by my own hand.

You nailed it. It's teriffying. The comedian Norm Macdonald said he is obsessed with the fear of death, but he finds some comfort in the idea that life and death never meet, so there isnt reason to worry that much. I share his obsession with death but no part of me shares comfort in that fairly abstract idea of life and death not meeting. It's true I won't be around to experience death, but that is the terrifying part! Just let me go to death with the illusion that I may wake up, but i shot that option when I investigated religion. I wish I had just believed it.

 

[FullFat]

You nailed it. It's teriffying. The comedian Norm Macdonald said he is obsessed with the fear of death, but he finds some comfort in the idea that life and death never meet, so there isnt reason to worry that much. I share his obsession with death but no part of me shares comfort in that fairly abstract idea of life and death not meeting. It's true I won't be around to experience death, but that is the terrifying part! Just let me go to death with the illusion that I may wake up, but i shot that option when I investigated religion. I wish I had just believed it.

The illusion of immortality is the biggest thing I miss about Christianity. I thought it would be the lofty stuff like purpose or morality, but nah, just the good old fashioned safety blanket it offered for my fear.

 

[Fylobatica]

Immortality is useless, unless an eternal life can be lived as we would like to.

Imagine floating 9 billion years and counting in space as a disembodied entity to do absolutely nothing than being there for the sake of being there.

It doesn't solve anything. Luckily nothingness awaits after death, it looks like less of a burden than imposed 'immortality'

 

[Mari]

Just let me go to death with the illusion that I may wake up, but i shot that option when I investigated religion. I wish I had just believed it.

Nicely put.

 

[FullFat]

Immortality is useless, unless an eternal life can be lived as we would like to.

Imagine floating 9 billion years and counting in space as a disembodied entity to do absolutely nothing than being there for the sake of being there.

It doesn't solve anything. Luckily nothingness awaits after death, it looks like less of a burden than imposed 'immortality'

Eternal delight in heaven is a pretty sweet immortality gig. It was a nice delusion to have.

 

[Fylobatica]

Eternal delight in heaven is a pretty sweet immortality gig. It was a nice delusion to have.

I think it gets boring after a while, especially because eternity... Heh, is a hell of a long time.

 

[FullFat]

I think it gets boring after a while, especially because eternity... Heh, is a hell of a long time.

I have never understood this perspective, but to each their own, I guess.

 

[Willy Wonka]

I don´t know why but I don´t think that it would scare me to CTB with N. Maybe I just don´t really think it would kill me. Probably cause I survived too many drug cocktails in the past. Living life is what scares me
Other ways to CTB scare the shit out of me btw
I actually tend to believe in reincarnation and that there is a possibilty to have an even harder live after this - but would I ever realize it ??

 

[OnlyBuilt4Linxs]

The thought of death is THE most comforting and peaceful thing to me in this life of pure despair