Hi everyone,
I am new here but have been reading posts for a long time. I am really grateful to be granted the privilege to post. Recently I failed another attempt with pills. Took over 80 2mg Xanax and washed it down with booze. Well, it obviously it didn't kill me as I hoped it would. Didn't even knock me out. Instead I started texting my friends goodbye and one of them called 911. After that I woke up in the hospital full of tubes. Then a mental institution for 7 days. Once I got home I found why I was still alive, I had vomited, just didn't do the homework. And like I read in other posts it was impulsive which usually causes you to fail. So here I am back forced to do this crap some more. 3 days after I was let out of the nut house I was served divorce papers from my wife who left me after 19 years of marriage. I have no family left and just wish god would take me already. Last year I had a heart attack and was told all my arteries were 95% closed. I declined open heart surgery and had them put in stents. Now I can barely walk 30 feet without being tired or having chest pain. My heart now pumps through 2mm openings. While I'm so grateful to be here it's bitter sweet. Suicide used to be my only source of hope, knowing I had a way out just gave me peace. But after reading so many posts here it's just not that easy and now my heart is broken. In fact the more you read the more you understand the possibility and consequences of failure and just how frightening it is. I've looked at all the methods along with the odds of survival. It's just plain frightening that even using a firearm is not a for sure thing. Hitting that sweet spot seems so hard. Hearing people just blow off parts of there head and then live. I give credit to anyone that makes the choice and finds a method that works for them. Me, I have a feeling I'm never going to have the nerve to try again and am now just forced to live out my days wishing and hoping god finally takes pity on me and takes my away from all this.
Again, thank you all for listening and just know you are not alone
I am new here but have been reading posts for a long time. I am really grateful to be granted the privilege to post. Recently I failed another attempt with pills. Took over 80 2mg Xanax and washed it down with booze. Well, it obviously it didn't kill me as I hoped it would. Didn't even knock me out. Instead I started texting my friends goodbye and one of them called 911. After that I woke up in the hospital full of tubes. Then a mental institution for 7 days. Once I got home I found why I was still alive, I had vomited, just didn't do the homework. And like I read in other posts it was impulsive which usually causes you to fail. So here I am back forced to do this crap some more. 3 days after I was let out of the nut house I was served divorce papers from my wife who left me after 19 years of marriage. I have no family left and just wish god would take me already. Last year I had a heart attack and was told all my arteries were 95% closed. I declined open heart surgery and had them put in stents. Now I can barely walk 30 feet without being tired or having chest pain. My heart now pumps through 2mm openings. While I'm so grateful to be here it's bitter sweet. Suicide used to be my only source of hope, knowing I had a way out just gave me peace. But after reading so many posts here it's just not that easy and now my heart is broken. In fact the more you read the more you understand the possibility and consequences of failure and just how frightening it is. I've looked at all the methods along with the odds of survival. It's just plain frightening that even using a firearm is not a for sure thing. Hitting that sweet spot seems so hard. Hearing people just blow off parts of there head and then live. I give credit to anyone that makes the choice and finds a method that works for them. Me, I have a feeling I'm never going to have the nerve to try again and am now just forced to live out my days wishing and hoping god finally takes pity on me and takes my away from all this.
Again, thank you all for listening and just know you are not alone
