thinkkank
Experienced
- Oct 16, 2019
- 247
i was told that all i had to do was work hard, get good grades and all kinds of doors would open up, that my possibilities were endless and I'm sure some of you were told the same thing. but there was a problem. born with a mental illness. born stupid and born with something that makes you suicidal, these handicaps prevent you from "winning the game". tried to run the race but these three balls and chains keep holding me back. i was never meant to win the race. we all have things that prevent us from winning the race. we never asked for them and we wish they were never there, but they are there and we can't get rid of them.
what makes it worse is you can see other people running the race and winning.
there will always be tragidies and hopeless people and we are those people. when we are gone others will come along. others will post the same observations that we have made, and when those people are gone others will take their place.
so what do i do? i can't run the race, these balls and chains are too heavy. i just sit on the tracks. i watch others pass me by. there are feelings of bitterness, jealousy and then finally acceptance. this is who i am. this is where i am at. these things that are holding me back will be with me till the day i die and will be the cause of my death
it's like being on a train that's headed off a cliff. i can see where the track ends and the edge of the cliff. i can't stop the train, can't jump off and i know it's going to fall off. all i can do is just sit there. there are other trains to my left and right. their tracks lead to good destinations. i can see the passengers through the windows. they are laughing and having a good time. they know that their train leads to good places. they can see my train and they can see me through their window. they know i'm fucked. they can see the cliff as clearly as i can. they glance at me and the cliff, and they go back to enjoying their lives. i never wanted to be on this train. i can't leave. i can't change its trajectory. all i can do is just sit and wait.
what makes it worse is you can see other people running the race and winning.
there will always be tragidies and hopeless people and we are those people. when we are gone others will come along. others will post the same observations that we have made, and when those people are gone others will take their place.
so what do i do? i can't run the race, these balls and chains are too heavy. i just sit on the tracks. i watch others pass me by. there are feelings of bitterness, jealousy and then finally acceptance. this is who i am. this is where i am at. these things that are holding me back will be with me till the day i die and will be the cause of my death
it's like being on a train that's headed off a cliff. i can see where the track ends and the edge of the cliff. i can't stop the train, can't jump off and i know it's going to fall off. all i can do is just sit there. there are other trains to my left and right. their tracks lead to good destinations. i can see the passengers through the windows. they are laughing and having a good time. they know that their train leads to good places. they can see my train and they can see me through their window. they know i'm fucked. they can see the cliff as clearly as i can. they glance at me and the cliff, and they go back to enjoying their lives. i never wanted to be on this train. i can't leave. i can't change its trajectory. all i can do is just sit and wait.
