I wanna preface this by saying that I am sorry if I sound weird, that is cus I am; I have autism and developmental issues, only started speaking at age 5; I wanna know y'all's opinion on this post, thanks.
Life has been nothing but a downward spiral, not even my parents or gf understands what I am going trough, though I been semi-open about it with my gf, don't have the heart to tell my parents I wanna kill myself. Being depressed for so many years I am just done trying; I am tired of being pushed around for other people's desires, only be contacted when a "friend" needs something. I just wanna be finally be understood by somebody; I didn't wanna be rich, famous, etc. all I really wanted a place where I can pursue my passion for learning and art. I always been told how wrong it was for me to not have ambitions, to be curious about stuff, and how "I jump from one thing to another" like it is my fault world is filled with near infinite knowledge. Have you ever asked "why there is 52 cards on a deck with 4 colors", "why ice is so slippery" or anything else?! I bet most people haven't.
Trough parental pressure, I had to go an university, so I went to study computer science in a Hungarian university; Though computers have been my passion (I been using linux and coding way before I went to university), the university and its classes didn't interest me all that much. I got called indecisive, irresponsible, lazy etc. thought there was something wrong with me, which still hasn't gone away; on my 2nd semester, my professor whom specializes in cryptography had offered me to teach me in private and prepare me to undertake an early research program. It was first classes in my life where I wasn't bored and zoned out, somehow I paid full attention for hours without an effort, it was hard not to for the first time in my life. I thought I got to my dreams, but it was short lived; my grades suffered from spending all of my days studying cryptography, playing r6s or cooking/baking. Because of this, I couldn't qualify for the program, and missed the scholarship. My parents were angry, angry would be understatement;
My parents were pissed, and they called me all sorts of nasty names, and I honestly would have just killed myself there, 6 months ago; however, a part of me didn't wanna give up, wanted to keep trying, to pursue my passions; By the time my depression let me to get out of bed, most uni deadlines expired, so this Polish university was one of few left, and I had nothing to lose, so I applied and got accepted. Parents gave me a second chance, but didn't stop mentioning things like how they regret having me. I shrugged it off, and it was time to choose my major. It was a simple button, when clicked would expand to a list of majors I can choose. I fucked it up, I choose mechanical engineering on accident, and didn't notice it until later when I was told its too late for me to change it. I didn't wanna backtrack on my parents; I have come a long way, and trying something new is the last thing I will refuse.
So I did, and oh boy I regret not killing myself back then. Even travelling here was a giant pain in the ass, specially with my suitcase being on its last legs. I thought I can just go trough it all, I have to, its my last chance; I tried, but I couldn't, I failed 2 subjects this semester too (Polish and Chemistry). Though semester isn't over, its clear that I will fail them. I just can't take it, my depression makes it a chore to even wake up, eat or drink, or to even go to the toilet. I feel like I am already dead in a way. My audio hallucinations have been getting worse as well; Only thing positive about this country was the weather, during winter it got to -15 a few times, felt somewhat comfortable in a long time. I will definitely miss it once I kill myself. My parents know I am struggling, and the only reason they even knew is cus my gf made me talk with my parents. I tried reasoning with them, but to no avail; got shutdown by saying I am not allowed to lose another year, and time is ticking; the moment I stop studying in this university, they will cut all contact with me, and the funding. I finally was honest with them how it wasn't working for me, and to just let me return to Azerbaijan if they are gonna complain about how much money they spent every time they call me. Mind you, my dad is in US, so I stay up late sometimes just to call him, despite how I am tired out my university and don't have much to talk about in general. Anyhow, hearing how I am not gonna just waste my life doing a degree I got no passion for, doing stupid presentations, lab reports and etc when I could be learning about Jordan curves; and they can just return me back to Azerbaijan, they got mad, (mad is understatement) and told me how I was an embarrassing mess, and not to bother with even coming back; How they don't wanna see my face anywhere near them, and how I dirty their family name, and how ungrateful I am, and mentally unwell and stupid I am. I just can't take any more insults from my own parents.
I have decided I will kill myself once I eventually fail the subjects, unless something magical happens; I been spending my last days on earth doing what I love, sketching, programming, music, math, gaming and etc. I don't feel like I wasted my life, I always stood firm and never gave up on things I love despite external pressure. If I wanted to learn about competitive sailing one day, and next day look up how to make your own website using hugo, I did. I learnt so much considering I am only 19, and there seems to be unfathomable amount left to still plow trough; So while my parents and many more is disappointed in me, I didn't let the "gifted kid" thing to get to my head, and dictate how I should live my life. I am okay with not having perfect GPA, not scoring 1600 on SAT, not going to a prestigious school like MIT. My parents expected me to be the perfect kid I never wanted to be; and that is okay, they can keep dreaming if they think I will just be blackmailed by their funding.
I need help, as my gf is only thing stopping me from suicide. I am so angry with myself how hurt she will be when she hears about my death, but I can't live like this anymore, being constantly degraded by your own parents and them flashing to your face how much you have "costed them" feels awful. How my mom talks like we kids were the reason for her being held back down; I am here to make an informed decision on how to suicide and how I can get my gf to forgive me for what I am about to do. Any help is appreciated.
Life has been nothing but a downward spiral, not even my parents or gf understands what I am going trough, though I been semi-open about it with my gf, don't have the heart to tell my parents I wanna kill myself. Being depressed for so many years I am just done trying; I am tired of being pushed around for other people's desires, only be contacted when a "friend" needs something. I just wanna be finally be understood by somebody; I didn't wanna be rich, famous, etc. all I really wanted a place where I can pursue my passion for learning and art. I always been told how wrong it was for me to not have ambitions, to be curious about stuff, and how "I jump from one thing to another" like it is my fault world is filled with near infinite knowledge. Have you ever asked "why there is 52 cards on a deck with 4 colors", "why ice is so slippery" or anything else?! I bet most people haven't.
Trough parental pressure, I had to go an university, so I went to study computer science in a Hungarian university; Though computers have been my passion (I been using linux and coding way before I went to university), the university and its classes didn't interest me all that much. I got called indecisive, irresponsible, lazy etc. thought there was something wrong with me, which still hasn't gone away; on my 2nd semester, my professor whom specializes in cryptography had offered me to teach me in private and prepare me to undertake an early research program. It was first classes in my life where I wasn't bored and zoned out, somehow I paid full attention for hours without an effort, it was hard not to for the first time in my life. I thought I got to my dreams, but it was short lived; my grades suffered from spending all of my days studying cryptography, playing r6s or cooking/baking. Because of this, I couldn't qualify for the program, and missed the scholarship. My parents were angry, angry would be understatement;
My parents were pissed, and they called me all sorts of nasty names, and I honestly would have just killed myself there, 6 months ago; however, a part of me didn't wanna give up, wanted to keep trying, to pursue my passions; By the time my depression let me to get out of bed, most uni deadlines expired, so this Polish university was one of few left, and I had nothing to lose, so I applied and got accepted. Parents gave me a second chance, but didn't stop mentioning things like how they regret having me. I shrugged it off, and it was time to choose my major. It was a simple button, when clicked would expand to a list of majors I can choose. I fucked it up, I choose mechanical engineering on accident, and didn't notice it until later when I was told its too late for me to change it. I didn't wanna backtrack on my parents; I have come a long way, and trying something new is the last thing I will refuse.
So I did, and oh boy I regret not killing myself back then. Even travelling here was a giant pain in the ass, specially with my suitcase being on its last legs. I thought I can just go trough it all, I have to, its my last chance; I tried, but I couldn't, I failed 2 subjects this semester too (Polish and Chemistry). Though semester isn't over, its clear that I will fail them. I just can't take it, my depression makes it a chore to even wake up, eat or drink, or to even go to the toilet. I feel like I am already dead in a way. My audio hallucinations have been getting worse as well; Only thing positive about this country was the weather, during winter it got to -15 a few times, felt somewhat comfortable in a long time. I will definitely miss it once I kill myself. My parents know I am struggling, and the only reason they even knew is cus my gf made me talk with my parents. I tried reasoning with them, but to no avail; got shutdown by saying I am not allowed to lose another year, and time is ticking; the moment I stop studying in this university, they will cut all contact with me, and the funding. I finally was honest with them how it wasn't working for me, and to just let me return to Azerbaijan if they are gonna complain about how much money they spent every time they call me. Mind you, my dad is in US, so I stay up late sometimes just to call him, despite how I am tired out my university and don't have much to talk about in general. Anyhow, hearing how I am not gonna just waste my life doing a degree I got no passion for, doing stupid presentations, lab reports and etc when I could be learning about Jordan curves; and they can just return me back to Azerbaijan, they got mad, (mad is understatement) and told me how I was an embarrassing mess, and not to bother with even coming back; How they don't wanna see my face anywhere near them, and how I dirty their family name, and how ungrateful I am, and mentally unwell and stupid I am. I just can't take any more insults from my own parents.
I have decided I will kill myself once I eventually fail the subjects, unless something magical happens; I been spending my last days on earth doing what I love, sketching, programming, music, math, gaming and etc. I don't feel like I wasted my life, I always stood firm and never gave up on things I love despite external pressure. If I wanted to learn about competitive sailing one day, and next day look up how to make your own website using hugo, I did. I learnt so much considering I am only 19, and there seems to be unfathomable amount left to still plow trough; So while my parents and many more is disappointed in me, I didn't let the "gifted kid" thing to get to my head, and dictate how I should live my life. I am okay with not having perfect GPA, not scoring 1600 on SAT, not going to a prestigious school like MIT. My parents expected me to be the perfect kid I never wanted to be; and that is okay, they can keep dreaming if they think I will just be blackmailed by their funding.
I need help, as my gf is only thing stopping me from suicide. I am so angry with myself how hurt she will be when she hears about my death, but I can't live like this anymore, being constantly degraded by your own parents and them flashing to your face how much you have "costed them" feels awful. How my mom talks like we kids were the reason for her being held back down; I am here to make an informed decision on how to suicide and how I can get my gf to forgive me for what I am about to do. Any help is appreciated.
