catastrophix
and my nightmares will have nightmares every night
- Feb 20, 2023
- 94
I took some time away from this forum, as I had a lot going on at once. I also am becoming more aware at the fact that the way I would CTB is not possible now, and certainly not in the near future, either. The only thing I could legitimately do is train, but even then, it would take a lot of out of character acting on my part, as I don't generally drive alone, especially at night. I also don't really want to cause any trauma or harm to the conductor and the few people that know I exist.
The thing is, I recently started feeling somewhat better, and CTB isn't on my mine as much as it was. I've always been certain I'd go by CTB, but some things have been making me question that. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I could just press a button and not exist anymore. My usual self tells me to push the button, but there's a tiny sliver of me that wants to say, "I'm going to keep trying life for now."
For months, quite possibly years, I have been very numb and apathetic, but I'm now crying more than I have since I was a child, and for empathetic reasons at that. It feels so, very weird— I've been set on CTB since I was a toddler. It honestly doesn't feel right that I have felt so okay/average lately, because I haven't felt that way in a while. It almost makes me sick. Fearful. Like a "bracing for impact" feel, as if everything is gonna go back to shit at the drop of a hat. It just feels so foreign— I don't even remember if I've ever felt this OK before.
I just had to ramble my feelings out. Thanks for reading. :]
The thing is, I recently started feeling somewhat better, and CTB isn't on my mine as much as it was. I've always been certain I'd go by CTB, but some things have been making me question that. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I could just press a button and not exist anymore. My usual self tells me to push the button, but there's a tiny sliver of me that wants to say, "I'm going to keep trying life for now."
For months, quite possibly years, I have been very numb and apathetic, but I'm now crying more than I have since I was a child, and for empathetic reasons at that. It feels so, very weird— I've been set on CTB since I was a toddler. It honestly doesn't feel right that I have felt so okay/average lately, because I haven't felt that way in a while. It almost makes me sick. Fearful. Like a "bracing for impact" feel, as if everything is gonna go back to shit at the drop of a hat. It just feels so foreign— I don't even remember if I've ever felt this OK before.
I just had to ramble my feelings out. Thanks for reading. :]
