I don't understand why anyone would call or contact any of the suicide hotlines for any reason whatsoever unless the goal is to have the authorities sent to their house for attention or assistance or something. It's great to have this forum to be able to express ourselves but even a place like this might just be leading us all to being bothered by police officers.
I have always thought that is likely the case for many, but others get desperate, have no support system, nobody else to contact..maybe have just had a compounding event..and so they quickly call whatever number is available, just to say something to someone on the off chance they might be understood (not going to happen) rather than the same spiel and platitudes.
More about needing to be heard.
Why did I come to this realization?
Happened to me last night.
I knew better, I've known people who worked at these hotlines, it was basically just an exercise in futility.
I don't even remember what number I called and I'm afraid to look back and see if it's the one that might land cops at my door.
(Still unsure that they really have the resources to find out where I live.)
Because if that happens then they can get stuck believing they have the wrong fucking address.
I don't think it will though, because I was careful to end the call without a final fuss, the person seemed eager to get off the phone with me lmao. Disingenuous asshole (considering what else they said to me.)
I also refused to tell them I had a plan.
Although I did imply that it was going to happen, just not tonight or tomorrow as I have things to prepare.
(They then somehow twisted this into getting prepared to "live"…idk if they actually misunderstood me or if they did that on purpose, but it was a running theme during the call and it was massively irritating.)
And that's all they kept bugging me about.
Was I going to do it within their arbitrary time frame (no idea what that is) or not.
They did NOT want to hear my story or really why I was so upset.
They just wanted to know if I was going to do it anytime soon or not, so they could boot me off the line.
I told them I don't think of suicide as a bad thing, that we are coming from two fundamentally different perspectives.
"Suicide is never the answer" they said.
"Yes it is" I said.
"Suicide won't solve the problems" they said.
"You're right, it won't 'solve' them, but it will end them, it will end my consciousness of them" I said.
I didn't call because I wanted anything typical to come of it, that would be a horrific result of my mistake.
First thing I asked/told the person was "Is there a number where I won't have the authorities called where I can actually just talk about my situation!?"
Well the whole thing was a blur..but they didn't answer that.
I can barely remember the conversation except bits and pieces (like the above).
It was cliché trying to convince me it wasn't cliché. That's about how I can sum it up.
BAD.
Could have been worse..but BAD.
Contradictory, platitudes, lines I've heard a million times..not just about suicide, but my situation in particular..they didn't even try to be original.
A complete joke.
In fact, that's what I told myself out loud afterward..laughing through tears.."What a complete joke.."
But I was hardly shocked.
And I told them that.
I told them they were giving platitudes and lines and that this is part of the problem.
Sometimes they would respond with an affirmation of what I was saying, like they understood some logic in my words, only to go to repeat their same unhelpful rhetoric patterns all over again.
Even while trying to talk to them, I told them that I know their script, I know they can only say certain things in a certain way..they denied the script part (probably have their own definition of what that means).
The phone call basically turned into me telling them that these services are useless, and that I know that, and so I don't know why I called (even though, I kind of did know why..impulsive desperation to be heard).
They tried to "gently" but not so subtly get me off the phone as they clearly were not there to have a conversation about my problems.
I decided to continue to bend their ear for as long as I could (not very long) until the hint became a little too thick, and I ended with a simple "Bye".
Well. At least now I know, first hand, how useless and insulting these services are.
I promised myself I would never call..but maybe once was fine, so I had the experience for myself.
Pretty defeating that I couldn't even get a person to budge and actively listen to what I was actually saying and where I was coming from, when they knew what it was going to mean for me.
They know I'm dead in the water, but as long as it's not in their record or on their time that I was going to do it immediately, they do not care.
I even told them "The problem will always be that you guys only care about whether someone is going to commit suicide or not, you don't care about the reasons why."
(Granted, this was after I stated my reasons and suffering and such. Near the end of the call.)
They of course pushed seeing someone with a "clinical background", psych folk who have more time on their hands I suppose.
Even after I told them multiple times, been there, done that, made my predicament FAR worse, wasted years of my life.
Too late and too inappropriate.
I told them I'm not dealing with people who pathologize the human condition to the point that no matter what happens to you, no matter your circumstances, you will always be given a label, rather than a listening ear addressing the true cause of your misery (which very well may be permanent, and is in my case..also progressive).
I went on about scientific studies, objective reality..pushed back against their supposed definition of "being loved for who you are" when nobody around me loves who I am, and my fight against dismissal and for my struggles & the reasons why to be acknowledged IS who I am.
If people want to blow past that and love some idea of me, ask me to play dumb or smile through excruciating torture and "less than" status, acting as a source of schadenfreude, filtered through a face and body I did not choose which cause me incredible discomfort, misinterpretation, and pain, then they are doing the exact opposite of "loving" ME.
(If you can only claim to "love" someone's prison, then you become their prison guard.)
Also, talking the talk is not the same as walking the walk. Which I also said.
(Btw I never even brought up the topic of being "loved", they started that shit all on their own. Along with creepy copy n paste sentiments that made my skin crawl. Status quo nonsense. Empty words.)
I then got heated and told them that I was the only one who truly loved myself and cared about what I was going through.
I was adamant (and it's true, I do love WHO I am at my core and my refusal to accept a horrible existence I do not deserve, but I love absolutely nothing else about my situation and never will.)
Ooooh boy, did they RUN with that one LOL.
They were so pleased, repeated it over and over again in the most condescending manner, about how glad they were to hear that, even though I know they were not grasping the nuances and torment behind what I was saying.
Obviously I knew I was getting nowhere, but maybe I was hoping I would leave them with some sort of impression or room for pause.
I doubt I accomplished that, but that became the only thing left that I even remotely thought could be reached for.
Part of me wishes that these places would hear enough stories to where they would realize their methods don't work and are very limiting to those who just want to talk in the moment to another human being who is open to trying to understand or empathize with someone's ongoing trauma and diminutive existence.
(Some of us are isolated out of necessity, have absolutely NO ONE to call or those we do are actually more damaging and distressing than not calling at all.)
But no, they close the door on me no matter how honest I am, just like others have around me..brick walls everywhere.
. I feel like an attention seeking drama queen. The whole thing was so awkward and the police officers so clearly didn't care and didn't want to be there 
.
!
