never being satisfied

[fleshgarden]

I'm getting so tired of the feeling that I'll never be satisfied.. I feel like my life is one big huge blur, and my attempts to make myself somewhat happy end as quickly as they started.. the closest I ever am to being happy is when I'm with my girlfriend but I just know all of those moments would end soon, I usually just end up feeling empty during those times since I always feel so hopeless no matter what. I feel like if you ripped me from the inside out you wouldn't find anything inside of me, I feel like a shell of something that could have been there but never will be. I am closing inside of myself, I will never be comfortable, I will never be truly happy... the worst part about it is I don't even know if I should die.. I mean I really want to and I think about it all the time but there's a part of me that's like "but you probably shouldn't." and I've just been following that. but I feel like the farther I try to go I'm just making myself suffer more. yet god I don't want to leave my girlfriend. maybe I shouldn't care about what would happen after I die cause I'll be dead, but my girlfriend is as mentally ill as me and I don't want to put her through that.. I wonder if I sound selfish saying that, because a lot of people are suicidal with the belief that no one cares about them but I know she does care about me. although I know no one else really does.. but the thought of making her feel that way makes me want to melt into the earth itself...

also, my autistic catatonic states have been making me feel worse. they make me feel less human than I already felt if that makes sense.. completely staring into space.. unable to move.. maybe I'm just one big example of someone stuck in time. I really wish I could feel anything but this