Never being needed

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

One of the things that always stuck out to me was how I've never been needed by anyone. I know that might sound like a good thing on the surface. But having this feeling over an extended period of time, you start to feel like you're worthless.

I'm not someone who has a lot of social needs, but on the few occasions I try to talk to someone, I'm painfully aware that I'm only being tolerated and that they'd probably prefer me to go away. I only engage with people on a bare minimum basis, typically - whatever I feel like is the least amount of interaction I need while trying to remain relatively unobtrusive. I have to engage with others at least a little, for my sanity if nothing else. But I always feel like I'm imposing.

I'm a big dude (6'5''/230). When I try to just hang with anyone, I'm always so far outside my own demographic or otherwise come across as so out of place or weird that it's just unpleasant. I can also seem threatening or possibly sexually aggressive. People don't want to talk to me. I've had middle aged women in stores give me fearful looks and then dart out of the way.

I never really had many in-person friends and when I did, they never actively sought me out or anything. But it's also been that way in my romantic relationships. I've always had to do the running and chase things down. I've always been the one to have to feign enthusiasm, come up with ideas, show initiative, and put in the effort.

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that my intrinsic value is close to zero. I'm just a useless (pizza) eater who doesn't provide value for anyone outside of my parents, and even that's only because I'm their offspring.

It would be nice to just sometimes feel like I'm essential to something or someone. I have no purpose and provide nothing anyone else needs, and I have a knack for putting people off me even when they do give me a chance. This means people have, and probably always will have, a very "take it or leave it" attitude towards me. If I dropped off the face of the earth, no one would give a shit. I only exist to try and make it through a pointless life I don't even want.

Just some random musings I suppose.

 

[whatevs]

I relate to some extent. In a way I became a programmer because in the clownshow era of Merging With Our Phones and Uploading My Puny Mind To The Cloud it was a surefire way to be wanted and just be thrown among people and force them to listen to me.

 

[Maudlin]

The only experience I have with you is reading your musings, and catching your humor.
In my opinion, If you

dropped off the face of the earth

then much

intrinsic value

would be lost.

Of course, this coming from me... someone who is

so out of place or weird that it's just unpleasant.

might not be so comforting to you. But what can I say? I'm toxic.

You're not really "essential" to me by any means... but you have certainly provided for my essential needs.
You've made me laugh, uncontrollably. I needed that. You've made me consider things in ways only you could... and I like the way you think and express yourself.

As long as you go to the trouble to post something I see, I'll go to the trouble of checking it out.

For what it's worth... you matter to a freak like me.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

The only experience I have with you is reading your musings, and catching your humor.
In my opinion, If you

then much

would be lost.

Of course, this coming from me... someone who is

might not be so comforting to you. But what can I say? I'm toxic.

You're not really "essential" to me by any means... but you have certainly provided for my essential needs.
You've made me laugh, uncontrollably. I needed that. You've made me consider things in ways only you could... and I like the way you think and express yourself.

As long as you go to the trouble to post something I see, I'll go to the trouble of checking it out.

For what it's worth... you matter to a freak like me.

That was really sweet, thank you! I like your posts a great deal, you are insightful and something of an open book which is really refreshing. You're also very kind and funny.

Granted you have a ways to go before you catch up to me on the universal spectrum of awesomeness, but you're well on your way and that's encouraging. *high fives you patronizingly*

 

[jodes2]

You're awesome, not worthless!

 

[NumbItAll]

Thanks for saving me the trouble of making a similar thread. It sure is nice being invisible, unwanted, and unworthy of affection. :)

 

[makethepainstop]

One of the things that always stuck out to me was how I've never been needed by anyone. I know that might sound like a good thing on the surface. But having this feeling over an extended period of time, you start to feel like you're worthless.

I'm not someone who has a lot of social needs, but on the few occasions I try to talk to someone, I'm painfully aware that I'm only being tolerated and that they'd probably prefer me to go away. I only engage with people on a bare minimum basis, typically - whatever I feel like is the least amount of interaction I need while trying to remain relatively unobtrusive. I have to engage with others at least a little, for my sanity if nothing else. But I always feel like I'm imposing.

I'm a big dude (6'5''/230). When I try to just hang with anyone, I'm always so far outside my own demographic or otherwise come across as so out of place or weird that it's just unpleasant. I can also seem threatening or possibly sexually aggressive. People don't want to talk to me. I've had middle aged women in stores give me fearful looks and then dart out of the way.

I never really had many in-person friends and when I did, they never actively sought me out or anything. But it's also been that way in my romantic relationships. I've always had to do the running and chase things down. I've always been the one to have to feign enthusiasm, come up with ideas, show initiative, and put in the effort.

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that my intrinsic value is close to zero. I'm just a useless (pizza) eater who doesn't provide value for anyone outside of my parents, and even that's only because I'm their offspring.

It would be nice to just sometimes feel like I'm essential to something or someone. I have no purpose and provide nothing anyone else needs, and I have a knack for putting people off me even when they do give me a chance. This means people have, and probably always will have, a very "take it or leave it" attitude towards me. If I dropped off the face of the earth, no one would give a shit. I only exist to try and make it through a pointless life I don't even want.

Just some random musings I suppose.

Dude! 6'5 230 pounds, and possibly threatening and even in a sexual way? Dude I like you a lot! I hope I don't offend you or anyone else here, I am gay. But seriously you are prime boyfriend material! Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to sleep with a big man wrapped around you? Can you even imagine, how good a big hug from you would feel? (I'll clue you in , for us smaller folks it is close to ecstacy!) As for being a physical threat, there ain't nothing like having a big strong man in your home. (It's heavenly). Hell I love to have a dad like you, so that I could enjoy that look. That's hoping I would get your genes for size. I cannot fathom why you should be unhappy. To me I am genetically screwed up and it's because I am not your size. One of the reasons I want to croak off is because I am not like you, I am only 5'11 a damn shrimp! To me a real dude should be at least 6'2. You might be a threat to some peoples thinking, but I have often found that a large male may also have a larger heart.