GreatExpectations
Member
- Mar 30, 2023
- 11
Disclaimer: This post wasn't meant to be so long but I just kept typing and typing, I ramble a lot and some information probably seems irrelevant. it's quite personal and very much a venting post, I appreciate anyone who reads and shares their thoughts.
All my life I've never been able to shake the idea of suicide. Introspectively, it seems a constant source of demotivation and an excuse to be lazy. It-won't-matter-if-I'll-be-dead-soon kind of thing. I'm not suffering, I'm not depressed, and, especially in hindsight, I've never been depressed. Not even close. I know this because whenever I end the day feeling especially apathetic, I wake up as if nothing happened and start my morning quite content. My understanding of depression is I'd wake up feeling the same, day, after day, after day. Although, I've always intermittently daydreamed about how I'd ctb depending on how motivated I'm feeling.
Years ago now, I wanted to join the army, but I was medically deferred because I self harmed when I was 11. I was under the impression it was still entirely possible so the plan was to bide my time in a military college, I was only supposed to be there for a year but I ended up staying for over 2 years because of COVID, changing my application, and just generally the application process being very lengthy. During that time, my interest in the college declined along with my overall motivation about the military. After I got to another medical stage in my new application they declared me PMU (Permanently Medically Unfit). I appealed it, and actually succeeded. But at that point, I had left college and pretty much given up.
I've always been skinny and had absolutely ZERO knowledge on fitness so my time in college is significant because it made me realise I was capable of actually getting fitter. Probably my proudest day was when I ran with a 15kg bergen 2 miles to do hill sprints, a circuit and then ran 2 miles back. On the way back, me, my friends, and the lead instructor left the rest of the college 10-15 minutes behind. I didn't drag my feet across the finish line either, in fact I sprinted. And I was fully confident I could have kept on going. Fitness at the college was inconsistent, and days like this were rare. But I knew at that point I was perfectly capable. I also ran non-stop 10 miles once, just to see if I could. Of course now I'm back to being unfit, and I feel worse off about it compared to when I wasn't even considering exercise.
Exercising also made me realise just how much I should really be eating. throughout my life my average day of eating is something like this: I'd sometimes skip breakfast, mostly skip lunch and mostly always have dinner, on top of some snacking maybe. Essentially 1-2 meals a day. If I want to get fitter I need 3-4 meals a day, and eventually 5 or 6 if my fitness level and energy expenditure gets high enough. If I were to get fit, It'd be a constant, uphill battle just to maintain, let alone improve. This is when I realise it surely can't be done, because I just don't have the appetite. Even a normal amount of food is just too much for me., so how could I consistently handle more than that, day in, day out?
My diet and appetite is by far my biggest problem and I really can't make any sense out of it. Eating genuinely feels like a chore more than anything else and I think someone put it best after they were shocked at how skinny I am saying "I'm always thinking about my next meal." This is an interesting perspective to me, because obviously I'm the complete opposite, I could go a day without eating and feel fine. Even if I'm hungry I can look at a plate of food and have no interest in eating it, but then go and grab a piece of chocolate or something. That is to say: it's not the taste or the flavour that's the problem, but the fact I'm supposed to sit down multiple times a day chowing down on plates of food. Chewing this slop in my mouth over and over, chewing, chewing, chewing... how do fat people do it? does your jaw not ache? Anyway this is very frustrating to me because it's something I simply can't change my outlook on.
The reason why I wanted to join the army in the first place was because I had no passion, motivation or interest in any subjects at school. I knew for a fact I didn't want to go to any further education, especially university. And no careers appealed to me whatsoever. Truthfully, I had very limited options, not helped by the fact I didn't write anything in my final GCSE exams. But I knew even if I had some qualifications, I wouldn't want to do anything with them. Funnily enough, I ended up getting grade 4 GCSE equivalent maths and English in the military college and I feel exactly how I expected to feel.. nothing.
I've been working in a pub for the past year now and so my life has stagnated substantially. I'm quite introverted, not socially inept by any means but I'm not usually the one to initiate a meetup so I feel quite lonely sometimes. I still see my friends of course, maybe not as regularly as I should. We went Amsterdam together, it was a lot of fun, but it just feels different. I wish I could spend more time with them, not just hanging out with them, I mean like how we did at school; doing whatever together, all day, messing around. But obviously, even if I was in the same workplace as them, it just isn't like that as adults. It's just not the same. And as I feared when I was younger, adult life is not for me. Maybe I will find my calling later but do I really have to stick around to find out just so I can grow old and die anyway? Watching my friends and family die around me while I go out in a pathetic, doddery old whimper? This is the best case scenario, really?
My brother used to say a lot "I didn't ask to be born" and it always resonated with me. After discovering this site I was opened up to the idea of the right to die and the philosophies surrounding it. It's nice to hear things properly articulated by people that explain perfectly what I've been thinking this whole time. This quote by Schopenhauer puts it best: "Human life must be some kind of mistake. The truth of this will be sufficiently obvious if we only remember that man is a compound of needs and necessities hard to satisfy; and that even when they are satisfied, all he obtains is a state of painlessness, where nothing remains to him but abandonment to boredom. This is direct proof that existence has no real value in itself; for what is boredom but the feeling of the emptiness of life? If life—the craving for which is the very essence of our being—were possessed of any positive intrinsic value, there would be no such thing as boredom at all: mere existence would satisfy us in itself, and we should want for nothing."
Because of how happiness works, we will all spend the majority of our lives unhappy, not necessarily miserable or depressed, but unhappy at the very least. Sure, happiness and success can be obtained, but it's short lived and takes hard work. People will say that's life. Yes, it's true, and that's the problem. So there's only one solution.
In the military, if you're not up to standard, everyone gets punished. This is true for all workplaces, though. If a person is simply not good enough and the team is suffering because of it, then this individual raising their hand in admittance that it's clearly not for them, and promptly leaving, is surely a respectful decision. Why should it be any different to life itself. Any time spent here is better than no time spent at all. I should be happy to go whenever. It seems perfectly rational but I've never felt fully convinced. It's always been in the back of my mind and I think it always will be. Even though my SI says no I think I just need to be brave and take a leap of faith. I know it's the right thing to do, it's the only thing that makes sense. Too often I feel like I don't belong.
After a long time fantasising about ctb I feel like the best method is a gunshot through the head. Ideally I'd strap a fucking explosive to the side of my head or something lol. You really can't get a quicker death than the brain exploding. But more realistically I'll need a firearm, ideally a shotgun. Have you seen that Facebook livestream of that veteran killing himself? It's brutal, but the guy didn't feel a damn thing that's for sure. I'm in the UK so a firearm is technically possible. I haven't given it much thought, however, because I think a history of self harm will interfere with the process of getting a license and I don't live alone so it certainly wouldn't be very discreet.
I've got an idea, and it's part of the reason why I was seeking a forum like this. I'm thinking I fly to USA, New York. Then I go to some shithole, high crime rate part, and find a drug dealer or something like that, they could sell me a gun, surely, or at least know someone who could sell me a gun. This either sounds dumb as fuck or dumb as fuck but doable. People are always saying it's easy to get your hands on drugs and stuff so how hard could it be? I'm obviously not gonna be running around screaming for a gun, but if I speak to the right people it should be fine.. I guess. If this doesn't work, I know that visitors can fire guns at a range so I could do it there if I'm desperate. Anyway, if I miraculously get my hands on a gun I'll spend some time having a nice wander around New York, maybe go to some fancy restaurants since I have a shit ton of money from saving up for a year. Have a nice day basically, do anything I want. Then I'll finally get some snacks and drinks or something, find somewhere quiet and put on some music. Whether I'm there for 5 minutes, 5 hours or maybe I change my mind, I don't know. But when I'm ready I'll pull the trigger.
All my life I've never been able to shake the idea of suicide. Introspectively, it seems a constant source of demotivation and an excuse to be lazy. It-won't-matter-if-I'll-be-dead-soon kind of thing. I'm not suffering, I'm not depressed, and, especially in hindsight, I've never been depressed. Not even close. I know this because whenever I end the day feeling especially apathetic, I wake up as if nothing happened and start my morning quite content. My understanding of depression is I'd wake up feeling the same, day, after day, after day. Although, I've always intermittently daydreamed about how I'd ctb depending on how motivated I'm feeling.
Years ago now, I wanted to join the army, but I was medically deferred because I self harmed when I was 11. I was under the impression it was still entirely possible so the plan was to bide my time in a military college, I was only supposed to be there for a year but I ended up staying for over 2 years because of COVID, changing my application, and just generally the application process being very lengthy. During that time, my interest in the college declined along with my overall motivation about the military. After I got to another medical stage in my new application they declared me PMU (Permanently Medically Unfit). I appealed it, and actually succeeded. But at that point, I had left college and pretty much given up.
I've always been skinny and had absolutely ZERO knowledge on fitness so my time in college is significant because it made me realise I was capable of actually getting fitter. Probably my proudest day was when I ran with a 15kg bergen 2 miles to do hill sprints, a circuit and then ran 2 miles back. On the way back, me, my friends, and the lead instructor left the rest of the college 10-15 minutes behind. I didn't drag my feet across the finish line either, in fact I sprinted. And I was fully confident I could have kept on going. Fitness at the college was inconsistent, and days like this were rare. But I knew at that point I was perfectly capable. I also ran non-stop 10 miles once, just to see if I could. Of course now I'm back to being unfit, and I feel worse off about it compared to when I wasn't even considering exercise.
Exercising also made me realise just how much I should really be eating. throughout my life my average day of eating is something like this: I'd sometimes skip breakfast, mostly skip lunch and mostly always have dinner, on top of some snacking maybe. Essentially 1-2 meals a day. If I want to get fitter I need 3-4 meals a day, and eventually 5 or 6 if my fitness level and energy expenditure gets high enough. If I were to get fit, It'd be a constant, uphill battle just to maintain, let alone improve. This is when I realise it surely can't be done, because I just don't have the appetite. Even a normal amount of food is just too much for me., so how could I consistently handle more than that, day in, day out?
My diet and appetite is by far my biggest problem and I really can't make any sense out of it. Eating genuinely feels like a chore more than anything else and I think someone put it best after they were shocked at how skinny I am saying "I'm always thinking about my next meal." This is an interesting perspective to me, because obviously I'm the complete opposite, I could go a day without eating and feel fine. Even if I'm hungry I can look at a plate of food and have no interest in eating it, but then go and grab a piece of chocolate or something. That is to say: it's not the taste or the flavour that's the problem, but the fact I'm supposed to sit down multiple times a day chowing down on plates of food. Chewing this slop in my mouth over and over, chewing, chewing, chewing... how do fat people do it? does your jaw not ache? Anyway this is very frustrating to me because it's something I simply can't change my outlook on.
The reason why I wanted to join the army in the first place was because I had no passion, motivation or interest in any subjects at school. I knew for a fact I didn't want to go to any further education, especially university. And no careers appealed to me whatsoever. Truthfully, I had very limited options, not helped by the fact I didn't write anything in my final GCSE exams. But I knew even if I had some qualifications, I wouldn't want to do anything with them. Funnily enough, I ended up getting grade 4 GCSE equivalent maths and English in the military college and I feel exactly how I expected to feel.. nothing.
I've been working in a pub for the past year now and so my life has stagnated substantially. I'm quite introverted, not socially inept by any means but I'm not usually the one to initiate a meetup so I feel quite lonely sometimes. I still see my friends of course, maybe not as regularly as I should. We went Amsterdam together, it was a lot of fun, but it just feels different. I wish I could spend more time with them, not just hanging out with them, I mean like how we did at school; doing whatever together, all day, messing around. But obviously, even if I was in the same workplace as them, it just isn't like that as adults. It's just not the same. And as I feared when I was younger, adult life is not for me. Maybe I will find my calling later but do I really have to stick around to find out just so I can grow old and die anyway? Watching my friends and family die around me while I go out in a pathetic, doddery old whimper? This is the best case scenario, really?
My brother used to say a lot "I didn't ask to be born" and it always resonated with me. After discovering this site I was opened up to the idea of the right to die and the philosophies surrounding it. It's nice to hear things properly articulated by people that explain perfectly what I've been thinking this whole time. This quote by Schopenhauer puts it best: "Human life must be some kind of mistake. The truth of this will be sufficiently obvious if we only remember that man is a compound of needs and necessities hard to satisfy; and that even when they are satisfied, all he obtains is a state of painlessness, where nothing remains to him but abandonment to boredom. This is direct proof that existence has no real value in itself; for what is boredom but the feeling of the emptiness of life? If life—the craving for which is the very essence of our being—were possessed of any positive intrinsic value, there would be no such thing as boredom at all: mere existence would satisfy us in itself, and we should want for nothing."
Because of how happiness works, we will all spend the majority of our lives unhappy, not necessarily miserable or depressed, but unhappy at the very least. Sure, happiness and success can be obtained, but it's short lived and takes hard work. People will say that's life. Yes, it's true, and that's the problem. So there's only one solution.
In the military, if you're not up to standard, everyone gets punished. This is true for all workplaces, though. If a person is simply not good enough and the team is suffering because of it, then this individual raising their hand in admittance that it's clearly not for them, and promptly leaving, is surely a respectful decision. Why should it be any different to life itself. Any time spent here is better than no time spent at all. I should be happy to go whenever. It seems perfectly rational but I've never felt fully convinced. It's always been in the back of my mind and I think it always will be. Even though my SI says no I think I just need to be brave and take a leap of faith. I know it's the right thing to do, it's the only thing that makes sense. Too often I feel like I don't belong.
After a long time fantasising about ctb I feel like the best method is a gunshot through the head. Ideally I'd strap a fucking explosive to the side of my head or something lol. You really can't get a quicker death than the brain exploding. But more realistically I'll need a firearm, ideally a shotgun. Have you seen that Facebook livestream of that veteran killing himself? It's brutal, but the guy didn't feel a damn thing that's for sure. I'm in the UK so a firearm is technically possible. I haven't given it much thought, however, because I think a history of self harm will interfere with the process of getting a license and I don't live alone so it certainly wouldn't be very discreet.
I've got an idea, and it's part of the reason why I was seeking a forum like this. I'm thinking I fly to USA, New York. Then I go to some shithole, high crime rate part, and find a drug dealer or something like that, they could sell me a gun, surely, or at least know someone who could sell me a gun. This either sounds dumb as fuck or dumb as fuck but doable. People are always saying it's easy to get your hands on drugs and stuff so how hard could it be? I'm obviously not gonna be running around screaming for a gun, but if I speak to the right people it should be fine.. I guess. If this doesn't work, I know that visitors can fire guns at a range so I could do it there if I'm desperate. Anyway, if I miraculously get my hands on a gun I'll spend some time having a nice wander around New York, maybe go to some fancy restaurants since I have a shit ton of money from saving up for a year. Have a nice day basically, do anything I want. Then I'll finally get some snacks and drinks or something, find somewhere quiet and put on some music. Whether I'm there for 5 minutes, 5 hours or maybe I change my mind, I don't know. But when I'm ready I'll pull the trigger.
