Venting never asked to be here so why am i being punished for being born?

[sincerelysad]

long vent .. i feel like no one will read but it's worth a shot..
i know the title sounds dramatic but i can't help but feel this way. i really can't.
i was an accident, conceived on a first date and my parents stayed together until i was 15. my mom finally admitted she was unhappy, met someone new, filed for divorce, and got pregnant. my sister was born, my mom and step dad got married. i love my step dad and my sister, by the way. i don't have a good relationship with my father or his family at all.
after my sister was born, the outcasting started subtly and very slowly. they all had one last name while i had another, so they ignored mine and celebrated theirs. they didn't prioritize my feelings over the feelings of my step father's family. i was asked to be photoshopped or cropped out of photos, i was laughed at, i was isolated, etc.
pretty much as soon as i turned 18 i was kicked out for doing normal teenager things, like smoking pot and staying out past curfew. by being kicked out i was completely outcasted from my family.
i slowly gained back a relationship with them for the sake of my sister, but it isn't the same. i remember feeling very early on in their relationship that i was treated like permanent, leftover baggage from my mom's failed marriage. the one thing she couldn't file under her bankruptcy, or donate to a goodwill. i was stuck with her and she was stuck with me forever, and she resents me for that. i'm treated like a distant relative, or the child of a close friend, or some .. troubled, disadvantaged teen they're obligated to take care of. i am so jealous of all of the people who's parents very clearly love them unconditionally. i can't even rely on my mom to help me escape abuse.
i never fucking asked to be here. why am i being punished for being alive? it's not my fault. how do i make them love me?

 

[LifeIsAChore11]

It sucks living in a natalist world when you have the truth-revealing glasses on.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Perhaps I have not understood the message you have written and I apologize, if so, if the questions I ask you below are not related to what I have said:
If you no longer live with your family, why are you going to suffer to fit into the life that someone else has set up? why do you need them? can't you build a life around you where you are comfortable and you can choose who is part of it and who is not?

//

Potser no he entés bé el missatge que has escrit i et demano disculpes, si és així, per si les preguntes que et faig a continuació no tenen relació amb el que has exposat:
Si ja no vius amb la teva família, per què has de patir per encaixar en la vida que s'ha muntat una altre persona? perqué els necessites? no pots construïr una vida al teu voltant en la que t'hi trobis a gust i tu puguis triar qui en forma part i qui no?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. This is so sad and disgusting- being Photoshoped out of family photos? Jesus! They're lucky you still have any feelings for them at all (that aren't hateful.)

It's truly appalling how some adults don't take responsibility for their own actions. I'm sure you're right- I expect your Mum in particular feels the way she does because you remind her of a period she wants to forget. That is ALL on her though! Nothing to do with you.

I hate to say it but I'm not sure you can MAKE them love you. It does at least sound like you have a good relationship with your sister.

Maybe this is bad advice but I had a friend who's father had fucked off and left them. She suspected he had a new family- although it was never talked of... Sad part is- she was still desperate for his affection when he obviously couldn't care less. Anyway- it got to his birthday and as usual- she was waiting on him to let her know when she could drop off his present. He'd done this before- she'd just wait around all day at home for him to call. Anyway- this time- I said- let's go out to a theme park- take your mind off it. That worked- she got a call from his then girlfriend in the afternoon all kind of shocked that she wasn't sat at home waiting on him. Sometimes I actually think giving them the cold shoulder can work better than trying to chase them for affection.

If I'm honest- I think the best thing you can do is to try to concentrate on your own life. I also had problems at home. My Mum died, so I have a step sibling and step Mum. I haven't suffered anywhere near the neglect that you have but there have been big problems. To the extent that I did realise my Dad will sometimes side with them to keep the peace. I think I also realised I needed to accept that I am on my own and not to necessarily expect that family backing you would hope to have.

It's wrong- yes but ultimately, you need to protect yourself. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation. If you can get yourself not to expect their support- even their love (sadly), you won't be disappointed when they let you down.

If it's anything like me- you may end up with something more along the lines of a mutual respect. I know that's sad when you want more but sometimes it's better than keep asking for love and being slapped in the face. I'm so sorry this has been your life. I agree- we didn't ask for any of this- it isn't fair.

 

[sincerelysad]

Perhaps I have not understood the message you have written and I apologize, if so, if the questions I ask you below are not related to what I have said:
If you no longer live with your family, why are you going to suffer to fit into the life that someone else has set up? why do you need them? can't you build a life around you where you are comfortable and you can choose who is part of it and who is not?

//

Potser no he entés bé el missatge que has escrit i et demano disculpes, si és així, per si les preguntes que et faig a continuació no tenen relació amb el que has exposat:
Si ja no vius amb la teva família, per què has de patir per encaixar en la vida que s'ha muntat una altre persona? perqué els necessites? no pots construïr una vida al teu voltant en la que t'hi trobis a gust i tu puguis triar qui en forma part i qui no?

i won't go into too much detail, but given my situation simply building my life around where i'm comfortable isn't an option unfortunately

I'm so sorry. This is so sad and disgusting- being Photoshoped out of family photos? Jesus! They're lucky you still have any feelings for them at all (that aren't hateful.)

It's truly appalling how some adults don't take responsibility for their own actions. I'm sure you're right- I expect your Mum in particular feels the way she does because you remind her of a period she wants to forget. That is ALL on her though! Nothing to do with you.

I hate to say it but I'm not sure you can MAKE them love you. It does at least sound like you have a good relationship with your sister.

Maybe this is bad advice but I had a friend who's father had fucked off and left them. She suspected he had a new family- although it was never talked of... Sad part is- she was still desperate for his affection when he obviously couldn't care less. Anyway- it got to his birthday and as usual- she was waiting on him to let her know when she could drop off his present. He'd done this before- she'd just wait around all day at home for him to call. Anyway- this time- I said- let's go out to a theme park- take your mind off it. That worked- she got a call from his then girlfriend in the afternoon all kind of shocked that she wasn't sat at home waiting on him. Sometimes I actually think giving them the cold shoulder can work better than trying to chase them for affection.

If I'm honest- I think the best thing you can do is to try to concentrate on your own life. I also had problems at home. My Mum died, so I have a step sibling and step Mum. I haven't suffered anywhere near the neglect that you have but there have been big problems. To the extent that I did realise my Dad will sometimes side with them to keep the peace. I think I also realised I needed to accept that I am on my own and not to necessarily expect that family backing you would hope to have.

It's wrong- yes but ultimately, you need to protect yourself. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation. If you can get yourself not to expect their support- even their love (sadly), you won't be disappointed when they let you down.

If it's anything like me- you may end up with something more along the lines of a mutual respect. I know that's sad when you want more but sometimes it's better than keep asking for love and being slapped in the face. I'm so sorry this has been your life. I agree- we didn't ask for any of this- it isn't fair.

thank you so, so much for this response. it is very well written and i've never been supported like this before so it feel really good. i had just woken up in pain in the middle of the night and came on here for some distraction. thank you <33

 

[Pluto]

It is an awful situation falling through the cracks of an unhealthy family. Because family interactions involve patterns and roles that have been repeated for years by everyone involved, it is difficult or impossible to change them. Even when mistreatment is obvious, they will simply blame you for causing trouble or ignore you as if you had never spoken.

In my own case, I spent many years hoping that my family would finally love me. First I tried to be good enough. Then I thought that they would feel pity when the situation escalated until I was in real distress. Or at least that they might care when I was close to suicide. Instead, I learned the same message that I am sharing with you now: never expect them to change. Ever.

With expectations of the family left behind, there's a new challenge: relationships with other people can often end up reflecting the same patterns of second-rate treatment learned since childhood.

The riddle is this: you deserve to experience real love, yet with a past like that, you have not yet experienced it yet and might not even know that it is possible. See if you can find a way.

 

[sincerelysad]

It is an awful situation falling through the cracks of an unhealthy family. Because family interactions involve patterns and roles that have been repeated for years by everyone involved, it is difficult or impossible to change them. Even when mistreatment is obvious, they will simply blame you for causing trouble or ignore you as if you had never spoken.

In my own case, I spent many years hoping that my family would finally love me. First I tried to be good enough. Then I thought that they would feel pity when the situation escalated until I was in real distress. Or at least that they might care when I was close to suicide. Instead, I learned the same message that I am sharing with you now: never expect them to change. Ever.

With expectations of the family left behind, there's a new challenge: relationships with other people can often end up reflecting the same patterns of second-rate treatment learned since childhood.

The riddle is this: you deserve to experience real love, yet with a past like that, you have not yet experienced it yet and might not even know that it is possible. See if you can find a way.

this response is so perfect and so well thought out. it really means a lot to me that you took the time to type this out for me. that advice is perfect: i really should not expect them to change. i just keep setting myself up for disappointment.

 

[sincerelysad]

It is an awful situation falling through the cracks of an unhealthy family. Because family interactions involve patterns and roles that have been repeated for years by everyone involved, it is difficult or impossible to change them. Even when mistreatment is obvious, they will simply blame you for causing trouble or ignore you as if you had never spoken.

In my own case, I spent many years hoping that my family would finally love me. First I tried to be good enough. Then I thought that they would feel pity when the situation escalated until I was in real distress. Or at least that they might care when I was close to suicide. Instead, I learned the same message that I am sharing with you now: never expect them to change. Ever.

With expectations of the family left behind, there's a new challenge: relationships with other people can often end up reflecting the same patterns of second-rate treatment learned since childhood.

The riddle is this: you deserve to experience real love, yet with a past like that, you have not yet experienced it yet and might not even know that it is possible. See if you can find a way.

i came back to this post as i was feeling this way again and rereading this response has floored me. you are spot on in everything you've said and the end is especially true. i don't know what real love is like. i really don't think im worthy of it, nor do i think i'll ever find it. which is very sad, but just another reason to become more comfortable with ctb.

regardless, thank you so freaking much.

 

[Pluto]

I truly wish I had overcome this issue myself and could give you real guidance, but I'm in exactly the same situation. I feel like a pitiful elder.

One of the only things that has kept me going is the insights of other people who have achieved more advanced spiritual states. I've long hoped of doing the same myself before this lifetime is up. Such people say that conventional human love is merely transactional. Real unconditional love (not just a catchphrase to romanticise conventional love) comes from an infinite inner source. It is distributed universally regardless of conditions, and is a recognition of oneness with all others.

Unfortunately all this just sounds crazy to those of us not in that state, but I only mention it because the topic came up in an interview I was listening to this morning.

Nonetheless, sending you lots of unconditional love! I 100% believe that your destiny is one of infinite love regardless of how this particular lifetime ends.

 

[sincerelysad]

Real unconditional love (not just a catchphrase to romanticise conventional love) comes from an infinite inner source. It is distributed universally regardless of conditions, and is a recognition of oneness with all others.

first of all, you are far from pitiful! you've achieved such a compassionate type of intelligence and your responses are always so insightful. i love reading what you have to say!!

the part of what you said that i quoted is beautiful and i love this new way of thinking about this. this is a new perspective that is going to stick with me. im so excited to check out the interview you linked as well.

thank you so much for the love. i can definitely say for sure that i feel it. <33

I 100% believe that your destiny is one of infinite love regardless of how this particular lifetime ends.

this in particular made me

 

[Pluto]

I'm really happy that you get value out of what I say! Now I feel uplifted myself.

As you have already figured out, love is the only thing that matters in life. And life is worthless without it. And surprisingly, death is the answer. But alas, not necessarily the death of the body. This is where things get interesting.

If you feel any transmission from that interview (since those are people in the ego-death state that I am talking about), it could give us something very transformative to work with. :) I sense that you are in a very potent state, so please let me know if you have any questions or I can give you any guidance. (This is for everyone else, too, of course!)

 

[sincerelysad]

I'm really happy that you get value out of what I say! Now I feel uplifted myself.

As you have already figured out, love is the only thing that matters in life. And life is worthless without it. And surprisingly, death is the answer. But alas, not necessarily the death of the body. This is where things get interesting.

If you feel any transmission from that interview (since those are people in the ego-death state that I am talking about), it could give us something very transformative to work with. :) I sense that you are in a very potent state, so please let me know if you have any questions or I can give you any guidance. (This is for everyone else, too, of course!)

i will most definitely keep you in the back of my mind and follow through with looking into the interview. soon i must rest, but tomorrow i will.
thank you<33

 

[LucidStateDept]

long vent .. i feel like no one will read but it's worth a shot..
i know the title sounds dramatic but i can't help but feel this way. i really can't.
i was an accident, conceived on a first date and my parents stayed together until i was 15. my mom finally admitted she was unhappy, met someone new, filed for divorce, and got pregnant. my sister was born, my mom and step dad got married. i love my step dad and my sister, by the way. i don't have a good relationship with my father or his family at all.
after my sister was born, the outcasting started subtly and very slowly. they all had one last name while i had another, so they ignored mine and celebrated theirs. they didn't prioritize my feelings over the feelings of my step father's family. i was asked to be photoshopped or cropped out of photos, i was laughed at, i was isolated, etc.
pretty much as soon as i turned 18 i was kicked out for doing normal teenager things, like smoking pot and staying out past curfew. by being kicked out i was completely outcasted from my family.
i slowly gained back a relationship with them for the sake of my sister, but it isn't the same. i remember feeling very early on in their relationship that i was treated like permanent, leftover baggage from my mom's failed marriage. the one thing she couldn't file under her bankruptcy, or donate to a goodwill. i was stuck with her and she was stuck with me forever, and she resents me for that. i'm treated like a distant relative, or the child of a close friend, or some .. troubled, disadvantaged teen they're obligated to take care of. i am so jealous of all of the people who's parents very clearly love them unconditionally. i can't even rely on my mom to help me escape abuse.
i never fucking asked to be here. why am i being punished for being alive? it's not my fault. how do i make them love me?

I know this very much. My father treated my sister and I like We were "the other" for a long time. He even beat the fuck outta me and stopped talking to my sister and I after I found his coke and meth stash (when I was 13) and he found me all high and whatever. Anyway, this is what I have to say about it. I know I'm new here, but Don't let those people control how you perceive yourself. Fuck em! . Who fucking cares what they think. I don't understand why it always has to be "oh but we are ___(some thing related), I HAVE to love them". That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why do we have to love the people who treat us like trash? Because we share a bloodline? It's the most archaic and drab stupidity I've ever heard. I like or love you, based on your merits. That's it. You seem like a strong person who's already dealt with enough. Drop em! Do you for you. I spent WAY too much of my life idolizing my father and hating myself more and more because of it. You have the strength, and will to do whatever you want.


Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law... Thou hast no right but to do thy will... Love is the law, love under will... There is no law beyond Do what thou wilt.

 

[Remeer]

wow, I'm really sorry about the situation you're in, I didn't think I'd read something so cruel when I read the title
It doesn't make sense for me to answer that question, because after reading that I also ask myself, and if you still want an answer, there are some lines of thought that say that we decide the family, relationships and events, but no, I think that it is strange and very convenient for those who do evil
you can't make them love you, it would be wise to get away if possible, reads like an unhappy and dangerous family, be careful
greetings, be well