iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 152
this is not really a "problem" that im looking to solve, these events transpired when i was around 12 and the entire reason for this post is so that i can maybe get an answer or reason for what happened to me, and that maybe there is a chance i will be able to properly daydream again but i dont really care too much about that, im just interested in explanations.
when i was 12, i had been extremely depressed for over 4 years, the whole 9 yards, losing weight, pissing myself despite my age, random moments of catatonia, etc, i was given no medical attention despite the extremeness of what i was going through, so i was on no psych meds or anything. during this time my favorite thing to do was maladaptively daydream, i remember thinking it was the only reason to be alive and i would do it to the extent that i remember staying up from whenever i was put to bed, 9 pm, to just before having to go to school, 6 am, just imagining scenarios with my favorite characters, my favorite medias.
it was october and i was going to turn 13 in 2 months and i remembered promising myself that i would kill myself before turning 14, and one day i just decided to do something drastic; probably mostly for attention, not in a bad way, i think i felt like everything was coming to a head and if i did something i would finally be given the correct treatment or any care at all, but i do think a part of me did just want to die and i remember hyping myself up. Halfway through my dad stopped me and my mom was with me the rest of the night, and i realized that i wasn't able to slip into my daydreams the way i did every single night. i thought it would come back after i had calmed down from the incident, i was shaking uncontrollably the entire night and the next day my parents sent to me school and i shook the entire day at school as well. When I came home and over the next few weeks i just wasnt able to do it the way i used to anymore, i was not able to feel anything i used to feel concerning these daydreams and eventually weeks turned into years, then a decade.
As an aside, when i was 13-14 i started doing a lot of drugs. opioids and cough medicine, weed, other stuff, and i ended up developing HPPD and with that came extreme panic, and derealization. I know dissociation is associated with it but I had already been dissociating for as long as i can remember so that wasn't a new feeling for me.
Basically, i'm wondering if any of this can be explained at all, if its my pathology or what is it about my brain itself that is responsible for this reaction, any theories as to what is going on would be good. just want to hear some kind of discussion about my situation.
when i was 12, i had been extremely depressed for over 4 years, the whole 9 yards, losing weight, pissing myself despite my age, random moments of catatonia, etc, i was given no medical attention despite the extremeness of what i was going through, so i was on no psych meds or anything. during this time my favorite thing to do was maladaptively daydream, i remember thinking it was the only reason to be alive and i would do it to the extent that i remember staying up from whenever i was put to bed, 9 pm, to just before having to go to school, 6 am, just imagining scenarios with my favorite characters, my favorite medias.
it was october and i was going to turn 13 in 2 months and i remembered promising myself that i would kill myself before turning 14, and one day i just decided to do something drastic; probably mostly for attention, not in a bad way, i think i felt like everything was coming to a head and if i did something i would finally be given the correct treatment or any care at all, but i do think a part of me did just want to die and i remember hyping myself up. Halfway through my dad stopped me and my mom was with me the rest of the night, and i realized that i wasn't able to slip into my daydreams the way i did every single night. i thought it would come back after i had calmed down from the incident, i was shaking uncontrollably the entire night and the next day my parents sent to me school and i shook the entire day at school as well. When I came home and over the next few weeks i just wasnt able to do it the way i used to anymore, i was not able to feel anything i used to feel concerning these daydreams and eventually weeks turned into years, then a decade.
As an aside, when i was 13-14 i started doing a lot of drugs. opioids and cough medicine, weed, other stuff, and i ended up developing HPPD and with that came extreme panic, and derealization. I know dissociation is associated with it but I had already been dissociating for as long as i can remember so that wasn't a new feeling for me.
Basically, i'm wondering if any of this can be explained at all, if its my pathology or what is it about my brain itself that is responsible for this reaction, any theories as to what is going on would be good. just want to hear some kind of discussion about my situation.
