nervous trying to find a place to die cuz i don't want to be a burden

[monetpompo]

i've been struggling to exercise and go on long walks recently, so i haven't been able to wander around as much as i want to. since i became more depressed i've kind of stopped wanting to exercise lol. i know it'll be awful if i kill myself in my own house since i literally live with 4 people and they'll probably see my dead body, so i have to make an effort to walk or uber to a forested area since i can't drive. it all just feels like kind of a pain. thinking about my friends graduating from our community college later makes me stressed. thinking about graduating and then going into debt to go to university makes me stressed. i acted nice for my friends today even though i've been planning my suicide, since i put on a nice outfit and made them laugh when i said something funny. i'm still semi-normal socially, i just can't talk about anything going in my life because being honest bums people out. i'm just really nervous about being replaced or not cared about in the first place when i do die, or they think i just fell out of contact with them and don't reach out. it's so silly of me to care so much about what other people think of me when i'm supposed to think of myself. i just really hope that i actually matter to everyone. i kind of brush off most of my friends because i don't like talking to them that much and barely hang out with them, but if i didn't have them i'd actually be alone. i'm scared of people liking their friends more than me so they don't care as much when i die. it's really easy for me to get anxious about my relationships with other people and put into perspective how little i really talk to anyone. sometimes i feel so anxious about people not liking me that it makes me feel sick. i know that i'm dissmissive and distant because i don't reach out to people that much, and that's probably why people don't like me that much, but for some reason i still want to be well-liked. i know normal people don't worry about things like this. it's my fault for fixating so much on what i'm doing right and what i'm doing wrong.

i never want to tell anyone in my life how i feel. it won't go the way i want to, and they'll just get distressed. i'm scared that i'll just keep talking and talking about how depressed i feel that it'll just make whoever i'm talking to wish they never bothered asking me. i feel like an immature child that doesn't know how to navigate social situations and just tries to follow the rules everyone else is following. up until i die i just want to read off a paper so i always know what to say. i don't know what makes me so stressed if people say they like hanging out with me. being the most average or forgettable person in the group always makes me paranoid that i could be thrown away at any second. i feel like everything i'm scared of will come true eventually if i wait for it to happen, even if it never will. everyone would just tell me to calm down and that none of this is that important. i know they're right, but i don't believe them. all my thoughts are jumbled up and i feel bad that no one i know relates to me or is scared in the same way i am. it's good that they don't feel the same way i do, but i don't know if anyone can actually understand me. i switch between being sad, angry, and nervous. i can't seem to act right.