Need to know what is least worst for my kids.

[Givingupandgivingin]

I've been in this position for a long time now.

I'm a lesbian but didn't realise (due to religion and family pressure) until I was married and had two children.
I'm definitely gay.
I told my husband and he was understandably very angry and said how could I do this to this kids and we'd have to split up so I backtracked and said I wasn't sure.
I am sure.
Now I'm having to take diazepam and drink to make myself have sex with him.
I cry / self harm afterwards.

I don't want my kids to have to suffer a divorce or the weirdness of their mom suddenly being gay (not that I'd tell them this immediately but my husband would. He'd say it was my fault).

I've realised my options are stay and do what I'm doing now, which makes me feel unhappy and empty.
Leave and fuck my kids up and mean they have to back and forth between parents.
Kill myself and yes, my kids would be sad for a while but financially and in terms of stability it makes the most sense.

I have a method and a date and a plan.
I have sorted out my work stuff so it is all in order for someone to take over.
I have sorted out most of the personal stuff. I just need to move some money around but that won't take more than five mins as it's online.
I'm set.

I've tried therapy and it's not moved me forwards. Everyone in my life seems to be ok with me having to drug myself to have sex so maybe that's all I'm worth.
I cannot see any other option. I will be unhappy whatever if I leave or stay. My kids will be unhappy if I leave.
If I'm gone at least everyone gets chance to process and move on.

 

[Vivisection]

Are you sure they'd be upset by a divorce?
as someone who is still in a situation where the parents [stepdad but yaknow] REALLY shouldn't be together still, I would give anything for them to split up
depending on how old your kids are they can probably tell something is up assuming you guys are decent parents
divorce can be a good thing, a very good thing

His anger is not understandable, It's cruel and selfish

I'm so sorry you have been going through this
<3 being gay is already hard enough and these circumstances are very cruel

 

[todiefor]

This is a very difficult situation to be in I'm really sorry, and I can see that you are really trying to do your best for your children under the circumstances.

From your children's perspective I think in the long run the best outcome for them is if you leave and live true to yourself as a lesbian. Think all things considered, seeing their mother happy and being herself, and having her in their lives through their life journey will make them feel the most secure and happy in the long run. I know people say divorce ruins kids, but it doesn't have to necessarily if they know they are loved by both parents and have a stable home life even if they have to go back and forth. To them the most important is that you are there and you are happy. also there are lots of lesbians out there with children, I think children adjust much easier than people give them credit for. it might be important for you both to together and separately have lots of conversations with your kids about this though, more they feel involved and that they know what's happening the more secure they feel?

 

[betternever2havbeen]

It sounds like you should just get a divorce. It's no big deal these days, I mean yes it'll affect the kids but it's something a lot of children have to deal with. You have a legit reason to divorce, you are unhappy and living a lie. Your children will 100% want you in your life, how can you think a divorce will affect them more than your death?!

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I second what others are saying. Be yourself, leave him (he doesn't care about you it appears), and live YOUR life. Not anyone else's ideal life for you. Your kids will likely (and understandably) be confused. But they will also probably not be mad about it. I feel that they would be distraught if you killed yourself. I would feel that way if my mom did. My mom is a closeted bisexual, too afraid to come out because we live in a very conservative state and city. I would be much happier if she would just live her life.

I think you're overestimating how much a divorce would affect them. As someone who's mom has been through divorces as well, it didn't ruin my life. They would likely adjust.

Again this is all just me guessing, no one can say with certainty what would happen, but i can say with almost complete certainty that divorcing will likely be the best choice for you.

I wish you the best! Virtual hugs

 

[Littlebeeme]

Hey, I know how you feel. I've had many relationships having to present as straight and I had to get drunk to be able to stomach having sex with them. It sucks. and i can't imagine what it's like in your position to have kids involved. while I'm not against suicide, please remember that having a mom that is confusing and seems like a "betrayal" is better than none. I HATED my mom. She was verbally abusive and we don't really talk anymore. But the thought of standing at her grave kinda fucks with me in a way I didn't expect. if I were you, why not try to live as you want first, and if it causes more problems like you thought, then go through with it? I mean, if your going to CTB might as well live it up before then. Just see what would happen. surely your kids don't know that you are gay, (assuming they are young or something) and they would have no idea as to why you chose to end it. if they have a head on their shoulders, they should understand what you are going through. <3

 

[Justnotme]

It hurts me what you have to endure... And I am very sorry that your family and religion have suppressed your true self in you.
After all, loving people of the same sex as you doesn't make you a bad person.
When people realize that love for the opposite sex is just a tradition?! Just

It's very hard for you right now... My advice will be very straightforward, but here's what I want to say.

Maybe you should tell the kids that you and your husband are getting a divorce?
Children can be angry at you for a long time. But when they grow up, they will understand everything.
But even as children, they may not perceive divorce with malicious intent.

Your children will be hurt, but they will grow up again and understand why this happened...

For example, you can not tell your children now that you are a lesbian, but wait until they grow up and their brain can perceive this information.

Do you think it might be worth waiting a little longer with the end of life and see how your life will turn out after the divorce and how your relationship with your children will develop?

I'm not judging you in any way.
The choice is yours
It's just that it always hurts me to read messages from people who are being destroyed by religion and their own families...

I'm sorry if my text is not quite clear. I use a translator, I don't speak another language

 

[Dmoore3232]

How old are your kids? I think they would actually respond in a positive way as they aged if you are open and tell them you are a lesbian as they could gain insight into the complexities of the world that other kids would not be able to see.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I'm so sad to hear how you are suffering. You deserve to live a full life, free, as the person you are.
Divorce is painful for everyone, but so is living in a family where no one is happy. Children know when their parents are miserable no matter how well the parents try to hide it.
I hope one day you are able to be you.
Sending you love and support.

 

[chahan.trading]

I've been in this position for a long time now.

I'm a lesbian but didn't realise (due to religion and family pressure) until I was married and had two children.
I'm definitely gay.
I told my husband and he was understandably very angry and said how could I do this to this kids and we'd have to split up so I backtracked and said I wasn't sure.
I am sure.
Now I'm having to take diazepam and drink to make myself have sex with him.
I cry / self harm afterwards.

I don't want my kids to have to suffer a divorce or the weirdness of their mom suddenly being gay (not that I'd tell them this immediately but my husband would. He'd say it was my fault).

I've realised my options are stay and do what I'm doing now, which makes me feel unhappy and empty.
Leave and fuck my kids up and mean they have to back and forth between parents.
Kill myself and yes, my kids would be sad for a while but financially and in terms of stability it makes the most sense.

I have a method and a date and a plan.
I have sorted out my work stuff so it is all in order for someone to take over.
I have sorted out most of the personal stuff. I just need to move some money around but that won't take more than five mins as it's online.
I'm set.

I've tried therapy and it's not moved me forwards. Everyone in my life seems to be ok with me having to drug myself to have sex so maybe that's all I'm worth.
I cannot see any other option. I will be unhappy whatever if I leave or stay. My kids will be unhappy if I leave.
If I'm gone at least everyone gets chance to process and move on.

You cannot give love if you cannot understand love itself.

If your husband cannot understand, cannot accept, he didn't love you, he loves himself.

Kids will not understand you now, but when they grow old, they eventually will.

Don't stay in the marriage and wait for you to hate yourself more and more, your hate will reflect to your actions, that actions will be seen, feel and experience by your kids. Also the people around you.

Before it's too late, love yourself, end that marriage, you made a mistake by not being honest. Don't make more mistake.

Being wrong is a mistake, but staying wrong is a choice.

 

[soontobedone]

I hope you'll give a new, single life a chance. You can always ctb later.

 

[my_sundown]

You are not alone. I admire the courage you had to tell your partner. We have a very similar story.

 

[LittleJem]

I know maybe six or seven people who had a parent come out as gay. All of them love that parent still and would rather their parent was alive.

If you haven't already please contact lgbt+ support groups..

 

[betternever2havbeen]

If you haven't already please contact lgbt+ support groups..

That is a great idea. OP you need support right now, you don't have to do it all alone.

Now I'm having to take diazepam and drink to make myself have sex with him.
I cry / self harm afterwards.

This isn't fair on you or your husband-you don't love him and don't want to have sex with him, split up so you can both find other partners. Your kids will pick up on how unhappy you are eventually and that's not good for them either.

 

[hdahsa]

I agree with all the replies here supporting divorce. Ctb is not really fair on you or your kids. You will live a happy life by living on your own terms and your kids will also have the pleasure of having you around whenever they want to meet you.

I will say join a support group, try living separately from your husband with or without your kids and then file for divorce. Ctb certainly does not seem the resolution to your problem.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Thank you for all your kind and considered responses.

I understand my husband is angry. He called me a 'stupid dyke' not long after I told him. Now he's ok because I'm giving in and frequently having sex. Afterwards he'll interrogate me about how gay I feel and say a gay woman wouldn't be able to have sex with a man. Well, she can if she disassociates and takes diazepam to get through it…

I find this so hard because it's no one's fault but my own. If I'd realised earlier… but I didn't. I suspected but I didn't want to be a lesbian so I managed to ignore it for a long time and thought what we had was enough. I genuinely didn't know. I thought all women were meh about sex, lots of my friends would sooner not bother! It's not just the sex, it's any connection. I can't make the connection properly with a man.

The thought of causing my children - 7 and 14 - and distress is so against everything I believe in. I feel as though all my options are pretty dreadful and then that leads me back to - I just don't want to be here.
I've given it so much thought. It's not something I am rushing into.
When I look forward I just can't see me being here. I want it to stop.

 

[midnights]

Thank you for all your kind and considered responses.

I understand my husband is angry. He called me a 'stupid dyke' not long after I told him. Now he's ok because I'm giving in and frequently having sex. Afterwards he'll interrogate me about how gay I feel and say a gay woman wouldn't be able to have sex with a man. Well, she can if she disassociates and takes diazepam to get through it…

I find this so hard because it's no one's fault but my own. If I'd realised earlier… but I didn't. I suspected but I didn't want to be a lesbian so I managed to ignore it for a long time and thought what we had was enough. I genuinely didn't know. I thought all women were meh about sex, lots of my friends would sooner not bother! It's not just the sex, it's any connection. I can't make the connection properly with a man.

The thought of causing my children - 7 and 14 - and distress is so against everything I believe in. I feel as though all my options are pretty dreadful and then that leads me back to - I just don't want to be here.
I've given it so much thought. It's not something I am rushing into.
When I look forward I just can't see me being here. I want it to stop.

this is my first post here but as a young gay person, i felt obligated to at least say anything... just please remember this isn't your fault. i'm not trying to prevent you from ctb if that's what you've chosen (though i do urge you to really keep an open mind) but just remember that we live in a heteronormative society and it's not on you for being part of that. we all are, to whatever extent. as a fellow dyke, i hope you can find peace for yourself, one way or another. please reach out to me if you need anything. i don't know you but i really do believe in you

 

[The anhedonic one]

I would just leave and tell your kids the truth. Being gay is well accepted by society these days and kids are aware of what LGBTQ is anyways in most cases.
Kids are highly adaptable and I'm sure they will accept your position on things.
Far better to leave and tell them the truth than to leave them without a mom to love and support them.
But that's just my opinion.
I wish you a successful outcome in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Huggs]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I of course don't know the fine details and the entire scope of the weight of everything on your shoulders and I don't know if my thoughts are helpful in any way but I've been writing and thinking this for a bit, I hope it's ok.

I want to speak on what I feel somewhat more experienced with, which is the LGBT side of this. Many many people don't find out when they're little, I'd have to look at statistics but from people I've spoken to, save for maybe people who were raised very progressive in the sense of loved ones viewing being gay as quite alright or being positively exposed to people that are gay, it takes certain experiences, exposures and/or steady realizations to come to that conclusion. In any case I really don't believe it's your fault. Everyone is assumed to be straight until proven otherwise, it's burned into everything, being gay is still viewed horribly in the majority of the world and you mention religion and family pressure on top of that—finding out whenever you found out doesn't change what your sexuality is, and neither does what you've been experiencing.

It's clear you care very deeply for your children, and that you're suffering. I really don't think you caring for the health and happiness of your children and you caring for the health and happiness of yourself are completely separate. And I'm not a parent or a child but listening to your story I thought about my own mom, it would horrify me for her to continue to have to force herself to be intimate, and to be in a strained relationship going through what you are. I am not going to say that divorce is a wonderful process. From what I've heard it can be very difficult. I don't have the experience and even if I did I don't have a right to speak with authority over your life. I don't know your family day in and day out. But from what you've said, I just wouldn't feel right saying having to stay like this is good for anyone.If this were a case of the spark just not being there anymore then I'd probably shut up but this is something else entirely and I have a somewhat strong opinion even if I don't have a right to. When I consider your children in everything, there too I don't think staying with your husband is good if it's causing you this much pain—if it would make you healthier and happier and also healthier and happier as a mom to be apart from your husband.

When it comes to suicide I have a lot of trouble thinking over other people's stories because I'm hoping and planning to die myself. I want it all. I want autonomy and the right to die as a human right, I want all great suffering to stop, at the same time I want people to live happy lives instead of killing themselves. The mental health system has been a useless waste of money to me. To others it has saved them. I don't know. I really don't. I don't want to give you frustrating crap you've probably heard, aside from, I want you to be okay, whatever that looks like. Probably because I'm a stranger I immediately picture the possibilities of a split and a happier home for you. Those are my feelings. When it comes to everything you are experiencing, NO ONE has had to live your life. There are people that have gone through similar things but they have not lived your life. I respect you for what you've endured and are currently enduring, and what choice you make because it's yours.