I am so sorry. I have a brain infection as well and I understand firsthand the violation of one's mind, body and spirit that takes place living inside of that prison. A relentless hostile takeover of consciousness; like living in a glass fishbowl unable to fully inhabit the world around you and distorting your perception cognitively, emotionally and visually. The intrusive thoughts and the neuropsychiatric chaos. I would trade this in a second for a traumatic bodily injury or an amputated limb if I could only have my mind back. I lost my partner, my beautiful home and my young family because of this. Anyway, this is all to say that I empathize and you deserve to make your own choice, especially if you have fought and have no more fight left in you. I hope that you receive your N and SN soon so that you can at least have them in your possession and know that you have a peaceful way out of the suffering should it come to it. It is so hard, knowing that your death will leave your loved ones in pain, but they have no way to truly understand the experience of being trapped in a living hell with no way out of the infection.