Help need to give myself a final push on schedule

[hungry]

If I don't do it in the next week or so after I turn in the last of my assignments before finals, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make myself go through with it, and then more responsibilities will come up.

I have wanted this for so long, and keep putting it off because I feel responsible for not abandoning my coding partner, for having to attend a wedding, etc. But if I miss the next window of opportunity, there will be more responsibilities holding me back.

I've organized financial matters, and I really wanted to do it last Sunday, but a friend came and knocked on my (dorm) door, which startled me. I keep telling myself I have to be disciplined and keep myself miserable enough for everything to go according to schedule, but it's really hard because just sometimes, my brain will be happy. But the vast majority of the time I wake up and it's business as usual, and I remember why the logical conclusion became suicide in the first place, especially since I can't expect anything to end if I don't do something about it myself.

How on earth do you steel your resolve??? I'm still also not the most confident in my method (2.7g amitriptyline + vodka, heavy backpack, tying myself up, and jumping into lake). If you were confident your method would work (eg firearm), would it make it easier?

Maybe for context:
Last October, I was right on the edge and ready to go but I couldn't bring myself to take the pills and just jump into the water (not very high). I need the water because while I have a lot of amitriptyline, I don't have any benzos or antiemetics, so I need drowning to finish it up. That attempt helped me realize I have a lot of fear, especially since I can fucking swim and I'm not confident SI wouldn't kick in. Plus, it's practically impossible to get a gun in NJ, and I don't want to have to travel because that'll introduce so many more new variables.

 

[Riddle]

I'm still also not the most confident in my method (2.7g amitriptyline + vodka, heavy backpack, tying myself up, and jumping into lake). If you were confident your method would work (eg firearm), would it make it easier?

I respect the method, I've also thought of different ways to achieve 100% success rate. Like gunshot while on top of a high bridge, N with plastic bag, etc.. If it was me, I would try to find a higher bridge so at the least I would be knocked so I would not have to experience drowning.

In terms of steeling your resolve, when I do it I will do as another member did and have a note to myself ready to read over and over again to remind myself why this is the best decision. I think it will help me pull the trigger so to speak.

I hope you reconsider though, what has brought you down this path? It would be a shame to put all that hard work in uni for it not to pay off. Hopefully the debt is under your name and not cosigned with your parents

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide can be very difficult as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. I believe that many people are able to go through with it when they get desperate and the pain of living gets to be unbearable.

If it was guaranteed that the method would succeed, then it would make it easier for me, the fear of failure is what holds me back from attempting. In my case ctb is very difficult and I think if I knew how to bring myself to go through with it, I would already be gone. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point and I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Releasefrompressure]

If I don't do it in the next week or so after I turn in the last of my assignments before finals, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make myself go through with it, and then more responsibilities will come up.

I have wanted this for so long, and keep putting it off because I feel responsible for not abandoning my coding partner, for having to attend a wedding, etc. But if I miss the next window of opportunity, there will be more responsibilities holding me back.

I've organized financial matters, and I really wanted to do it last Sunday, but a friend came and knocked on my (dorm) door, which startled me. I keep telling myself I have to be disciplined and keep myself miserable enough for everything to go according to schedule, but it's really hard because just sometimes, my brain will be happy. But the vast majority of the time I wake up and it's business as usual, and I remember why the logical conclusion became suicide in the first place, especially since I can't expect anything to end if I don't do something about it myself.

How on earth do you steel your resolve??? I'm still also not the most confident in my method (2.7g amitriptyline + vodka, heavy backpack, tying myself up, and jumping into lake). If you were confident your method would work (eg firearm), would it make it easier?

Maybe for context:
Last October, I was right on the edge and ready to go but I couldn't bring myself to take the pills and just jump into the water (not very high). I need the water because while I have a lot of amitriptyline, I don't have any benzos or antiemetics, so I need drowning to finish it up. That attempt helped me realize I have a lot of fear, especially since I can fucking swim and I'm not confident SI wouldn't kick in. Plus, it's practically impossible to get a gun in NJ, and I don't want to have to travel because that'll introduce so many more new variables.

I am sorry but you clearly have doubts about going. You are not anywhere near prepared mentally. I don't think you should do this. Your text just screams doubt. There is no way you can do something to push yourself over the edge, even if you try you will probably make your situation worse but still not cross you over.


This might sound harsh but the doubts you have and the overthinking everyone has. Only people who want to kill themselves will suppress it. Those who don't sadly they don't really want to die in their heart of hearts. It is hard for me to say that, but it is the truth ..

The rest is just window dressing.

That doesn't mean your pain isn't real or you don't want a way out. But suicide is not an option for you based off what i've read. couple million people a year beat SI. Because they want to die.

 

[hungry]

I respect the method, I've also thought of different ways to achieve 100% success rate. Like gunshot while on top of a high bridge, N with plastic bag, etc.. If it was me, I would try to find a higher bridge so at the least I would be knocked so I would not have to experience drowning.

In terms of steeling your resolve, when I do it I will do as another member did and have a note to myself ready to read over and over again to remind myself why this is the best decision. I think it will help me pull the trigger so to speak.

I hope you reconsider though, what has brought you down this path? It would be a shame to put all that hard work in uni for it not to pay off. Hopefully the debt is under your name and not cosigned with your parents

Thank you for your empathy. I appreciate it. May I ask what brought you here?

One of the things I'm still debating is if I should change my method and try harder to get a gun or to travel to a better bridge, even if it introduces many more unknown variables and would be more painful.

I don't have any debt. As a matter of fact, I'm extremely fortunate: I have everything a lot of people would want: a US passport, attendance at a "elite" university, a lot of money, an internship, knowledge that I can earn a lot of money (because of my major), surgery. I will be leaving some people some money and donating the rest; the organization was to make sure that legally the money would go to the right places.

I also happen to be trans, consistently can't sleep, and there are many (other, non trans related) things physically wrong with me that hurt, chronically (and can't be fixed; I've tried seeing doctors for them). Plus, a lot of mental health problems from childhood, that therapy and medication have not fixed. My family is not accepting, and even if they were, we were already a pretty fucked up family anyways independently of LGBT issues. After years, I have also been unable to change my values/attitude towards the problems that I know cannot be fixed like people suggest. I had promised myself years ago that if by graduation things were not better, I would do something about it.

The other reason I'm in a rush is because I know that the longer I wait, the higher the likelihood of me making more friends/becoming responsible for someone (either gf or parents) would come into play and stop me. I don't want to be stopped, and I've spent the past year systematically trying to remove responsibilities so that I can live in accordance with my value system.

I am sorry but you clearly have doubts about going. You are not anywhere near prepared mentally. I don't think you should do this. Your text just screams doubt. There is no way you can do something to push yourself over the edge, even if you try you will probably make your situation worse but still not cross you over.


This might sound harsh but the doubts you have and the overthinking everyone has. Only people who want to kill themselves will suppress it. Those who don't sadly they don't really want to die in their heart of hearts. It is hard for me to say that, but it is the truth ..

The rest is just window dressing.

That doesn't mean your pain isn't real or you don't want a way out. But suicide is not an option for you based off what i've read. couple million people a year beat SI. Because they want to die.

Thank you; I will find out.

Many people "beat SI" by being in a heightened state of emotion/impulsivity. SI comes hand in hand with the beginning of the return of rationality, but rationality is necessary to make the preparations for leaving less of a mess behind. My question was how to trigger the impulsivity to be helpful after having already made the preparations, logically.