kaleido777
New Member
- Aug 24, 2024
- 2
recent events are really depressing me and ive got that baseline ideation running in the back of my head, but its not registering as a thing im actually going to do anymore. im starting to accept that im a cockroach and there arent any bombs you can drop on me that will kill me. i have no clue how to actually improve my life and feel alive, though.
i was in therapy for 8 years on and off (mostly on) and sometimes it felt like it really helped me, but my last therapist told me to stop going even though i told him stopping made me want to ctb even more and that just completely ruined me. i have a few friends irl but i know for a fact that theyre too caught up in their own lives to ever actually be there for me. my family doesnt care about me. i need to get out of this hole and figure out how to stay out without a decent support system.
my problems: unmedicated dysthymia, anxiety, adhd, and ptsd. i very heavily suspect autism and bpd as well, but ive never tried to get diagnosed because i know its harder to find actual help for managing those. ive never had a job even though i should be employed at my age, i dont have a drivers license or medical insurance, and im transgender in a state that has a lot of anti trans legislation. i stay in my room all the time because i live with someone who makes the rest of the house feel hostile. i dissociate constantly and all i do is find distractions to try not to think about ctb. i just dont feel strong enough to do anything on my own, but i have no choice because no one else is really in my corner.
my goals: get mens clothes that fit me, get a job, dont get fired, get my drivers license + hopefully medical insurance, move out of this godforsaken house so i can feel safe + think a little clearer, and save up to move to a trans friendly state + medically transition.
i just dont know how to go from "totally isolated and mentally broken hermit" to "functioning member of society that is okay with being alive"
i was in therapy for 8 years on and off (mostly on) and sometimes it felt like it really helped me, but my last therapist told me to stop going even though i told him stopping made me want to ctb even more and that just completely ruined me. i have a few friends irl but i know for a fact that theyre too caught up in their own lives to ever actually be there for me. my family doesnt care about me. i need to get out of this hole and figure out how to stay out without a decent support system.
my problems: unmedicated dysthymia, anxiety, adhd, and ptsd. i very heavily suspect autism and bpd as well, but ive never tried to get diagnosed because i know its harder to find actual help for managing those. ive never had a job even though i should be employed at my age, i dont have a drivers license or medical insurance, and im transgender in a state that has a lot of anti trans legislation. i stay in my room all the time because i live with someone who makes the rest of the house feel hostile. i dissociate constantly and all i do is find distractions to try not to think about ctb. i just dont feel strong enough to do anything on my own, but i have no choice because no one else is really in my corner.
my goals: get mens clothes that fit me, get a job, dont get fired, get my drivers license + hopefully medical insurance, move out of this godforsaken house so i can feel safe + think a little clearer, and save up to move to a trans friendly state + medically transition.
i just dont know how to go from "totally isolated and mentally broken hermit" to "functioning member of society that is okay with being alive"
