NEED to die vs WANT to die?

[stilhavinightmares]

Does anyone else ever feel like you NEED to die but don't necessarily always want to? I've been getting glimpses of hope after months of planning to die but my whole life I've felt like I need to be dead so I am going to try anyway. It's not a voice in my head or a delusion, I just feel it so deeply to my core that I am meant to kill myself.

 

[outrider567]

Does anyone else ever feel like you NEED to die but don't necessarily always want to? I've been getting glimpses of hope after months of planning to die but my whole life I've felt like I need to be dead so I am going to try anyway. It's not a voice in my head or a delusion, I just feel it so deeply to my core that I am meant to kill myself.

Oh I definitely want to--just a matter of time now

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I know how that feels. Part of me wants to stay (for some mad reason) but deep inside I really just want to be gone. It's a bewildering place to be in.

 

[onceuponadec]

Yeah, I always know that I need to die, but I didn't always want to die. I want to experience so much more of the world, but I will never be able to.

 

[Rairii]

Yes, that's a deeply relatable feeling. I started to feel that need since I was 11. Like it was some obligation that had to meant. If I wanted to not suffer anymore than I had to do it even though I didn't necessarily want to do it at times.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Yes, that's a deeply relatable feeling. I started to feel that need since I was 11. Like it was some obligation that had to meant. If I wanted to not suffer anymore than I had to do it even though I didn't necessarily want to do it at times.

Yeah, I always know that I need to die, but I didn't always want to die. I want to experience so much more of the world, but I will never be able to.

Yeah, I know how that feels. Part of me wants to stay (for some mad reason) but deep inside I really just want to be gone. It's a bewildering place to be in.

Thank you all for sharing. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this weird mental space, although I'm sorry you all have to feel this too. It makes me really confused on what to do. I liked feeling certain in my plan and date and now I just feel really anxious.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

More I need … I WANT a different life … depression/ anxiety/ confusion wrecked this one…

 

[Seekingawayout]

I need to. I don't really want to. But I know it's just a matter of time before I get really sick again, and I can't go through it again. I can't face 1 more bowel obstruction, 1 more NG tube, 1 more surgery (which will bring new issues, because I'm on the verge of short bowel syndrome as it is). Or another abscess, fistula, perforated bowel, etc. I just can't.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I need to. I don't really want to. But I know it's just a matter of time before I get really sick again, and I can't go through it again. I can't face 1 more bowel obstruction, 1 more NG tube, 1 more surgery (which will bring new issues, because I'm on the verge of short bowel syndrome as it is). Or another abscess, fistula, perforated bowel, etc. I just can't.

I think that's definitely part of why I know I need to. I'm not physically chronically ill but I don't want to go through the hell of mental illness anymore, even if my current state isn't the absolute worst I've felt. I'm sorry you're in this space too. Your GI issues sound fucking awful to say the least.

 

[Seekingawayout]

I think that's definitely part of why I know I need to. I'm not physically chronically ill but I don't want to go through the hell of mental illness anymore, even if my current state isn't the absolute worst I've felt. I'm sorry you're in this space too. Your GI issues sound fucking awful to say the least.

Illness is illness. Pain is pain. Mental pain is just as exhausting as physical pain.
I've been going through this for 24 years. For the last 3 I finally found a med that helped. But it's ridiculously expensive, and insurance will no longer cover it. So they went me to go back to a class of meds I've not had much luck with in the past. I'm gutted, and the prospect of going back after a taste of relief is too much. I would have been better off never having had relief. At least then I accepted my life as it was.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

Yes, I relate to this. There are times where I enjoy things, but deep down I've always felt that unless something totally unexpected takes me first, I am going to commit suicide. It could be soon, or it could be years from now, but the feeling has lasted over a decade, through good times and bad.

Part of it, I think, is due to a desire of control over my own death. The thought that I'll choose when I go, and the circumstances surrounding it, bring me a bit of relief in this world I am incompatible with.

But I've also been wondering lately if part of it is to make it all worth it. If I suffer from ideations for years and years, then surely the inevitable conclusion for me is suicide? Because the alternative is - if someday I become content with life, somehow, and I live until my natural death, then that means those years of my life that were spent so fixated on my own despair and death amounted to nothing. If, hypothetically, I could learn to be content in the future, surely I could learn now, and so what am I doing, drowning like this? I know it's not a healthy way of thinking at all, but right now, the thought of recovery unsettles me.

 

[jessisme]

I love life and I don't want to ctb but I have to. My mental health has left my life in ruins that I am unable to recover from. Once I am no longer able to live with/depend on my mother to support me the circumstances of my life will be horrific: it is literally a fate worse than death. I have to escape that fate at all costs. It would just be too painful and long and drawn out to bear. I have no choice but to ctb, hands down.

 

[vultureilse]

for me i feel like i have no other choice but to die. im stuck with trauma and multiple mental illnesses, i still live with my neglectful and at times abusive mother and i cant go to therapy because i dont wanna end up in a psych ward
even if my life situation improves one day and i learn to manage my mental issues theyre still not something that can be completely cured, i feel like im just doomed to be miserable. and most of all i cant express in words how much i hate myself and thats not something that will ever change. even if my situation is better ill never be happy as myself

if i had the choice to just restart everything and become a completely different person with differenr looks and personality, with a good family, friends and without mental issues i probably would tbh

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think most of my life, I've wanted to die more than I've wanted to live. Even at the best points, death didn't seem unappealing.

I'm sure 'want' will graduate to 'need' if things get worse. I'm not prepared to deal with physical pain. Screw that.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Illness is illness. Pain is pain. Mental pain is just as exhausting as physical pain.
I've been going through this for 24 years. For the last 3 I finally found a med that helped. But it's ridiculously expensive, and insurance will no longer cover it. So they went me to go back to a class of meds I've not had much luck with in the past. I'm gutted, and the prospect of going back after a taste of relief is too much. I would have been better off never having had relief. At least then I accepted my life as it was.

That is absolute bullshit about the med. Are you in the US?

 

[Wannagonow]

Those being the two choices, I would say "want too". For decades that thought has been fueled by unmanageable bipolar depression. The most accurate word for me is "driven" to die. Bipolar sucks!

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Yes, I relate to this. There are times where I enjoy things, but deep down I've always felt that unless something totally unexpected takes me first, I am going to commit suicide. It could be soon, or it could be years from now, but the feeling has lasted over a decade, through good times and bad.

Part of it, I think, is due to a desire of control over my own death. The thought that I'll choose when I go, and the circumstances surrounding it, bring me a bit of relief in this world I am incompatible with.

But I've also been wondering lately if part of it is to make it all worth it. If I suffer from ideations for years and years, then surely the inevitable conclusion for me is suicide? Because the alternative is - if someday I become content with life, somehow, and I live until my natural death, then that means those years of my life that were spent so fixated on my own despair and death amounted to nothing. If, hypothetically, I could learn to be content in the future, surely I could learn now, and so what am I doing, drowning like this? I know it's not a healthy way of thinking at all, but right now, the thought of recovery unsettles me.

I relate to this so much. I lost a lot of time from my life to being suicidal. I barely remember my early to mid 20s at all because I was always so focused on trying to die. Then I was saved and stayed alive and it was so hard to figure out wtf to do next. And so I did some things and now I'm back to the same place, trying to die. So I kind of have to now.

The control thing makes complete sense too.

 

[Seekingawayout]

That is absolute bullshit about the med. Are you in the US?

Yes.

 

[eremito]

that's indeed a wise philosophical question. Need vs. want. Let's assume that "need" stems from external circumstances, and "want" is just my pure wish independent of the external situation. I haven't taken a wish one day to die. (it's sunny today. Ok, I will go to the park). No. The drive to CTB does not arise from my personality, from my natural desires. It is just a necessity caused by the outside developments which have besieged and overwhelmed me. In this sense, it is an objective and reasonable need. And I am sad. And the rest is silence. And God knows best.

 

[jessisme]

that's indeed a wise philosophical question. Need vs. want. Let's assume that "need" stems from external circumstances, and "want" is just my pure wish independent of the external situation. I haven't taken a wish one day to die. (it's sunny today. Ok, I will go to the park). No. The drive to CTB does not arise from my personality, from my natural desires. It is just a necessity caused by the outside developments which have besieged and overwhelmed me. In this sense, it is an objective and reasonable need. And I am sad. And the rest is silence. And God knows best.

Beautifully put, I feel the same. Hugs to you. xo, j

 

[Ashu]

Like most of us, I want to live, just not _this_ life.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I need to die because I dont enjoy my hobbies, I am 400 lbs with no motivation to change that and because I am financially dependent on my mother and in my 30s.

I want to die because I am dysphoric and cannot cope with being the wrong sex. The sight of attractive cis women turns me very jealous. I suppose this reason lead to the above problems so both.

 

[miserabledaze]

There are times when I don't want to but it doesn't take long for my brain to put that in check really fast. The life I want to live will never happen for me. This world has sucked everything I have from me to the point I am a hollow shell. So I NEED to get out. The need always trumps the want for me.

 

[jessisme]

There are times when I don't want to but it doesn't take long for my brain to put that in check really fast. The life I want to live will never happen for me. This world has sucked everything I have from me to the point I am a hollow shell. So I NEED to get out. The need always trumps the want for me.

SAME.

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

Yeah, the world wants me to die, everyone hates me. So I guess I need to die. I don't really always want to but I know that if I don't, things will get worse

 

[yuzuchan]

Does anyone else ever feel like you NEED to die but don't necessarily always want to? I've been getting glimpses of hope after months of planning to die but my whole life I've felt like I need to be dead so I am going to try anyway. It's not a voice in my head or a delusion, I just feel it so deeply to my core that I am meant to kill myself.

I need to die i dont want to nercserially but I've been driven to a no choice scenario or at least where every other choice is worse for me and everyone know.

Its a long story and also troubling because I know I need to do it very soon but I keep saying a few more days won't hurt or wanting to have trivial plessures.

The problem comes is that I don't know when I'll have run out of time until it happends so I need to do it before that point which is between now and the next few weeks/maybe months

In truth im surprised I already haven't I really do need to take my sn asap

 

[Unending]

It feels like more of a need during times of increased suffering. When I'm my normal self, it feels like an appointment that was scheduled in advance. When I'm at my best, thinking about ctb sucks because my si is way increased. I still am aware that I have illimitable moments of pain ahead that will be horrible but began to feel like ctb seems incredibly difficult during these times. I began to feel afraid that I am going to live rather than die.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's definitely a need and it's a horrible feeling.

 

[wanttodie]

for me i always want to die. don't want to live sick of living and want my lif e to end

 

[Rainy_days]

Both need and want feel like the wrong words for me. There's just a lot of problems in my life that are unsolvable, so it's just a matter of how much I can tolerate living with their consequences.