I originally had a plan of ctb through SN and still have. I need to ctb by approx 20 days weeks before my next birthday, however I am scared of me being ceasing to exist when I'm death. My consciousness as I know it will be gone, my personality all my traits all the things that make me myself, my likes my passions my special interests my hyperfixations why I like things and why I don't and overall I will disappear entirely and cease to exist.
I live with my incestous abusers and I desperately need this cause I'm genuinely too far gone too groomed and too incested and dependent and unstable along w neurodivergency to go on but to accustom myself to the thought of death. To the experience and attempting of suicide. I don't think I will be straight up be able to go and do it with SN cause once I gulp it all down it's over for me I'm 41 kgs. I'm not yet okay with death so to experience an attempt where I do something and experience those "so called last moments" and how my body and being and consciousness is during the hours I'm unconscious and then I wake up.
I'd greatly appreciate any help or advice. Also I do suffer from Andehonia but the these things are all that I have coped with and very dear and precious to me so much the thought I will cease to exist and those things about me as well is truly unnerving.
I live with my incestous abusers and I desperately need this cause I'm genuinely too far gone too groomed and too incested and dependent and unstable along w neurodivergency to go on but to accustom myself to the thought of death. To the experience and attempting of suicide. I don't think I will be straight up be able to go and do it with SN cause once I gulp it all down it's over for me I'm 41 kgs. I'm not yet okay with death so to experience an attempt where I do something and experience those "so called last moments" and how my body and being and consciousness is during the hours I'm unconscious and then I wake up.
I'd greatly appreciate any help or advice. Also I do suffer from Andehonia but the these things are all that I have coped with and very dear and precious to me so much the thought I will cease to exist and those things about me as well is truly unnerving.
