Need support right now.

[Lookoutbelow]

Let me start by saying how much I love and appreciate everyone on here. This site has been a godsend. I feel so connected even if we will never meet in real life. I do not want this to be a false alarm. I just don't know if I can make it another day. I live for one person (my daughter). How much longer can I deal with all the other pain? I usually don't ask for advice because we all have to make our own decisions, but I don't feel I'm thinking clearly right now.

My method is jumping. I have a spot, plenty high and hard surface. I have easy access (15 minute drive). I do not have a set date, but today feels like the day. I just can't get past leaving my daughter. It is my pain vs. her happiness. Everyone one else will be fine I'm sure.

Some of the people I used to chat with on here regularly have since succeeded. There are only a few consistent names that I see now. I am feeling more lonely each day even on here. I am usually upbeat even about my own death. Not today, that is how I know it's close.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I just can't get past leaving my daughter.

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. Idk your personal reasons why you want CTB but as u said you have a daughter. How old is she? Your pain is valid but also your daughter deserves a loving mother bc she wasn't asked whether she wanted to be here or not and your daughter should suffer the least.

Is there really no other option for you? I hope it will be the right decision for you whatever you decide to do.

 

[Cress]

When you're in a unclear state of mind I think one of the best things you can do is to try to talk to people one on one. Sometimes it can help to kind of bounce ideas off of someone else as well as just vent and kind of talk about the strain that you're going through in your life. It only helps a small amount and I do mean a very small amount but if you do it enough it starts to add up.

I would strongly urge you to not suffer alone. There's plenty of people on here that would be more than happy to talk to you And I don't mean that in a way that people are going to try to talk you out of catching the bus. Just that they might be able to provide some amount of clarity If you feel like your thoughts are really cloudy at the moment. If you want I'm open to talking to you through Private messages if you think I sound like someone who might be able to help. If not there's plenty of other people that might be better suited to helping you through this.

I hope you're able to forge a path through this it sounds like you're suffering quite a lot. I'm sorry friend

 

[Blue Elephant]

@Lookoutbelow listen, before I say anything (and I'm not sure how this conversation will unfold) I'm not prolife or prodeath, I respect your decision to CTB. However, I am worried about your daughter, and about you of course, but first I'm worried about her.

Whatever happends in life, a child needs at least one person to guide them through. Does she have anyone else beside you? And if she does, do you think that person is capable of offering her the knowledge and the guidance that she needs to make it?

 

[DyingToDie123]

Hey, sorry you're at that point today. I appreciate you showing up during my lowest moments (i.e. forum posts) on here and wanted to do the same.

I'm not sure what your jumping place is like, how accessible it is etc., but I've found that just walking by it can give a lot of clarity about whether you're ready, whether now is the right time. You don't have to decide and/or do it right now. It will always* be there for you (*until they put up suicide barriers which is the race I'm up against lol).

The daughter situation is hard. I was really attached to my parents' reactions for a long time before they fucked me over, but young daughters can have a lot more innocence, and you're impacting her a lot. It's not a death sentence though (yesterday I learned Matt Rife's dad died by suicide) but it's passing on a lot of pain. But you're in a lot of pain too. The world is really unfair like that. Only you know what the best option is.

I wish you peace no matter what you choose.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. Idk your personal reasons why you want CTB but as u said you have a daughter. How old is she? Your pain is valid but also your daughter deserves a loving mother bc she wasn't asked whether she wanted to be here or not and your daughter should suffer the least.

Is there really no other option for you? I hope it will be the right decision for you whatever you decide to do.

Father

 

[Rust20]

I find sacrificing myself for my children a more desirable life than my own relief.

 

[𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆]

Well if you want an honest opinion, as someone who grew up without father (he left for work to another country for 17+ years), it angers me to this day. It angers me that I didn't have a chance to have him around when I was growing up, when I needed him, especially when seeing my peer having "normal" families. And I don't think this anger will ever go away.
In the end it's your decision, but if you want to consider your daughter's feelings then I don't think she would take it well. No child would take such thing well. Any1 can say what they want but no amount of love and support from one parent can substitute 2 parents. It will always be harder on her knowing that she could have you around but she doesn't. Maybe one day she would understand, but the pain it would cause would always be with her.
I'm glad you're such an amazing dad and even in such dark time you think about your child.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

@Lookoutbelow listen, before I say anything (and I'm not sure how this conversation will unfold) I'm not prolife or prodeath, I respect your decision to CTB. However, I am worried about your daughter, and about you of course, but first I'm worried about her.

Whatever happends in life, a child needs at least one person to guide them through. Does she have anyone else beside you? And if she does, do you think that person is capable of offering her the knowledge and the guidance that she needs to make it?

Yes

Hey, sorry you're at that point today. I appreciate you showing up during my lowest moments (i.e. forum posts) on here and wanted to do the same.

I'm not sure what your jumping place is like, how accessible it is etc., but I've found that just walking by it can give a lot of clarity about whether you're ready, whether now is the right time. You don't have to decide and/or do it right now. It will always* be there for you (*until they put up suicide barriers which is the race I'm up against lol).

The daughter situation is hard. I was really attached to my parents' reactions for a long time before they fucked me over, but young daughters can have a lot more innocence, and you're impacting her a lot. It's not a death sentence though (yesterday I learned Matt Rife's dad died by suicide) but it's passing on a lot of pain. But you're in a lot of pain too. The world is really unfair like that. Only you know what the best option is.

I wish you peace no matter what you choose.

Thank you.

I find sacrificing myself for my children a more desirable life than my own relief.

Thanks for your response.
T

Well if you want an honest opinion, as someone who grew up without father (he left for work to another country for 17+ years), it angers me to this day. It angers me that I didn't have a chance to have him around when I was growing up, when I needed him, especially when seeing my peer having "normal" families. And I don't think this anger will ever go away.
In the end it's your decision, but if you want to consider your daughter's feelings then I don't think she would take it well. No child would take such thing well. Any1 can say what they want but no amount of love and support from one parent can substitute 2 parents. It will always be harder on her knowing that she could have you around but she doesn't. Maybe one day she would understand, but the pain it would cause would always be with her.
I'm glad you're such an amazing dad and even in such dark time you think about your child.

Thanks.
Thank you all. This site is so much better than therapy.

 

[SmollMushroom]

I know how you feel, the very person who shared their source with me is now gone.
Useless to say I used to chat with them about other things as well.
It's a double edge sword, this website, you can find support but you need to try not to get too attached ~ people mostly come here to find the resources to ctb, not to make last longing friendships. That's the harsh truth.
So that's the only advice I can give you, to always keep that in mind.
If you want to talk some more my PMs are open, but I can't tell how long I'll stick around.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Yes

Very good then! This is very important! I'm not going to make the choice for you and I can't say what your kid will think about this when she will grow up but it's good that someone will look after her.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

You have a very difficult situation.
There is no need to act rashly.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Very good then! This is very important! I'm not going to make the choice for you and I can't say what your kid will think about this when she will grow up but it's good that someone will look after her.

She has a very responsible mom. I've been hanging on just for my daughter, but damn this psychological pain is unbearable. I started a new job, I'm going through a break up of 13 years, I'm being told to move out, and it's the holidays. It's like a quadruple whammy! Fuck this is too much.

You have a very difficult situation.
There is no need to act rashly.

Thank you. It's not really rashly as this situation has been going on for a couple of months now. I just keep holding on for my daughter, but one can only handle so much. I appreciate all of the advice and support. It keeps me going for the moment, and I do mean minute by minute.

I know how you feel, the very person who shared their source with me is now gone.
Useless to say I used to chat with them about other things as well.
It's a double edge sword, this website, you can find support but you need to try not to get too attached ~ people mostly come here to find the resources to ctb, not to make last longing friendships. That's the harsh truth.
So that's the only advice I can give you, to always keep that in mind.
If you want to talk some more my PMs are open, but I can't tell how long I'll stick around.

Me either. Thanks.

 

[Lost cherry]

I dont know what is your reasons for ctb..you have daughter..she will be unconditional sad when u gone. Maybe you have some other solution and maybe you will be better and u can keep with you life. U know the best what is the best option for you. Whatever you dicede I appreciate your opinion and your decision. Send u a lot of hugs.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I dont know what is your reasons for ctb..you have daughter..she will be unconditional sad when u gone. Maybe you have some other solution and maybe you will be better and u can keep with you life. U know the best what is the best option for you. Whatever you dicede I appreciate your opinion and your decision. Send u a lot of hugs.

Thanks.

 

[Dot]

She has a very responsible mom. I've been hanging on just for my daughter, but damn this psychological pain is unbearable. I started a new job, I'm going through a break up of 13 years, I'm being told to move out, and it's the holidays. It's like a quadruple whammy! Fuck this is too much.

Thank you. It's not really rashly as this situation has been going on for a couple of months now. I just keep holding on for my daughter, but one can only handle so much. I appreciate all of the advice and support. It keeps me going for the moment, and I do mean minute by minute.

Me either. Thanks.

R u c-ing a profssnl or d/ u hve n.e socl spport

Am nt takng awy frm th/ devstatn tht u mst b goin thru - losng all thse thngs @ sme tme = goin2 b b-ynd intnse

Only thng tht am thnkng = tht whle all of thse thngs wll b b-ynd painfl & ovrwhlmng thy r stll trnsient

Am jst wondrng whthr thre wld b n.e knd of spport tht cn hlp u fr whle thru th/ mst intnse prt of thse tmes

 

[venin.n]

I haven't read the post, only the title of the thread but if I can help you tomorrow with something, I will gladly do. (I'm burnt out rn…)

Rooting for you. You are not alone

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I haven't read the post, only the title of the thread but if I can help you tomorrow with something, I will gladly do. (I'm burnt out rn…)

Rooting for you. You are not alone

Thank you. I've followed your ordeal. Rest and recoup my friend.

 

[absolutelyyou]

This might be an odd suggestion but have you tried starting to write to her? Not letters to give her down the line necessarily but start writing with the mind set you are writing to her- tell her where you are mentally, tell her how you feel about her, tell her why you feel the way you do, tell her how important she is and why, so far at least, shes kept you here. This might not be something you are able to talk to her about but forming your thoughts outside of your brain, privately, while doing it as if you are talking to her might be genuinely really good for you to help you work out your feelings and needs and if it comes to it you might end up creating something that while it would not bring you back to her- could give her a great sense of comfort as she grows up.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

This might be an odd suggestion but have you tried starting to write to her? Not letters to give her down the line necessarily but start writing with the mind set you are writing to her- tell her where you are mentally, tell her how you feel about her, tell her why you feel the way you do, tell her how important she is and why, so far at least, shes kept you here. This might not be something you are able to talk to her about but forming your thoughts outside of your brain, privately, while doing it as if you are talking to her might be genuinely really good for you to help you work out your feelings and needs and if it comes to it you might end up creating something that while it would not bring you back to her- could give her a great sense of comfort as she grows up.

Thank you.

 

[tiredone]

Hey mate.
havent chatted much recently as my nightmare unfolds similar to yours as we spoke.
You said you will try to make it past holidays. I know how hard it is to hold on.
Mine told me last Friday we have no chance. I already wrote letter that will be the end of us - ye today as i was getting ready to hand it to her, she said she still has to speak with younger. That gives so much false hope.
I feel for you mate. I live same nightmare.
Last night i could not handle it and went walking looking for trouble( hoping to get stabbed or shot) in town in middle of the night. No joy.
it did help to clear head for a shirt while and let me sleep couple of hours. Might be something to look into.
I did not expect you to go this early, but as we spoke before - i do get it how this pain can become unbearable.
Thinking of you mate.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Hey mate.
havent chatted much recently as my nightmare unfolds similar to yours as we spoke.
You said you will try to make it past holidays. I know how hard it is to hold on.
Mine told me last Friday we have no chance. I already wrote letter that will be the end of us - ye today as i was getting ready to hand it to her, she said she still has to speak with younger. That gives so much false hope.
I feel for you mate. I live same nightmare.
Last night i could not handle it and went walking looking for trouble( hoping to get stabbed or shot) in town in middle of the night. No joy.
it did help to clear head for a shirt while and let me sleep couple of hours. Might be something to look into.
I did not expect you to go this early, but as we spoke before - i do get it how this pain can become unbearable.
Thinking of you mate.

So good to hear from you! I was going to PM you, but I was hoping things had turned out better for you. I didn't want to bring up bad memories if it was going good for you. Sucks that you are still dealing with same shit. I am trying to hold out till after holidays, but each new day brings it's own set of hardships. I am sad for us. We are definitely still in the same boat.

 

[tiredone]

So good to hear from you! I was going to PM you, but I was hoping things had turned out better for you. I didn't want to bring up bad memories if it was going good for you. Sucks that you are still dealing with same shit. I am trying to hold out till after holidays, but each new day brings it's own set of hardships. I am sad for us. We are definitely still in the same boat.

Yes we are.
Same nightmare, different place.
At least you know you are not alone.
My younger one still has a shot at influencing ex, as it turned out today, but i highly doubt it will help.
My backpack is ready to walk out anytime now. Will just need to buy cups for drink :)
Stat dose looks enticing. More and more everyday.
And everyday brings more shit surprises how cold, calculating and manipulating can your othet half be after over decade and a hakf together.
I envy you one thing though. Your ex knows how you feel and about your plans. I cant get myself to tell mine about it all. I want to but i am unable to. So, well done for being so strong to you to manage to open up so deep.
As well, i doubt i could go with jumping myself. Anyone attempting that must be either brave or in such pain that it ruined synapses.
Anyhow...we are here for you, whenever we get chance.

 

[Blue Elephant]

She has a very responsible mom. I've been hanging on just for my daughter, but damn this psychological pain is unbearable. I started a new job, I'm going through a break up of 13 years, I'm being told to move out, and it's the holidays. It's like a quadruple whammy! Fuck this is too much.

I feel you, it's .. very difficult. It might sound odd but I think that whatever you decide will be the right decision.

 

[hopeisdead]

Sorry I don't have any advice but I have a daughter too. She's 6 and she is my world. She's so happy and beautiful. She gets frustrated/mad when I cry, which is a lot. I'm mentally fucked. I wasn't always this way. I was happy and healthy when she was younger. I truly feel that I lost my mind. I try to hold on for her but I'm holding on by a thread. I used to be such a good mom. I hate this and I hate it for her. I only see her every other week- we have 50/50 custody. I'm grateful for when her dad has her because I'm such a mess but at the same time I miss her so much. Psych meds aren't helping, psych wards didn't help. I'm at a loss. Just wanted to say I understand.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I feel you, it's .. very difficult. It might sound odd but I think that whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Thanks.

Sorry I don't have any advice but I have a daughter too. She's 6 and she is my world. She's so happy and beautiful. She gets frustrated/mad when I cry, which is a lot. I'm mentally fucked. I wasn't always this way. I was happy and healthy when she was younger. I truly feel that I lost my mind. I try to hold on for her but I'm holding on by a thread. I used to be such a good mom. I hate this and I hate it for her. I only see her every other week- we have 50/50 custody. I'm grateful for when her dad has her because I'm such a mess but at the same time I miss her so much. Psych meds aren't helping, psych wards didn't help. I'm at a loss. Just wanted to say I understand.

Thank you. It means a lot just to know someone understands.

Sorry I don't have any advice but I have a daughter too. She's 6 and she is my world. She's so happy and beautiful. She gets frustrated/mad when I cry, which is a lot. I'm mentally fucked. I wasn't always this way. I was happy and healthy when she was younger. I truly feel that I lost my mind. I try to hold on for her but I'm holding on by a thread. I used to be such a good mom. I hate this and I hate it for her. I only see her every other week- we have 50/50 custody. I'm grateful for when her dad has her because I'm such a mess but at the same time I miss her so much. Psych meds aren't helping, psych wards didn't help. I'm at a loss. Just wanted to say I understand.

I don't think I could survive even one day without my girls. You are awesome for sticking around for you daughter. My two girls are the only reason I am still alive, but I don't know for how long.