Help Need support for having broken silence about abuse

[GoodPersonEffed]

Well, I finally did it. I finally got to the point that my self-respect said no more. 49 years of this shit, stood up for myself, and relinquished responsbility for protecting my parents. I wrote a letter and mailed it to several of my parents' friends and our extended family.

For those who don't know, my parents discarded me years ago when I finally demanded they be accountable for their abuse. Since then, my mom keeps posting an old picture of us as her facebook profile photo and spoke for me as if we're still in contact. I've told her to knock it off, made threats, made it clear how unethical it is do so, but she refuses to comply and instead doubles down, so I'm following through on the consequences I set for her boundary violation, and also finally exposing the abuse history. She's not a full-on narcissist, but she has a lot of the characteristics and most of her narcissistic control and abuse are directed at me, some at my dad who is her enabler.

The letter I sent out is in the spoiler. I used my parents' first names in the letter, but I've put D for my dad and M for my mom.

Now that I've definitively acted, I'm getting the first of the internal responses that I've betrayed/harmed/abused them. @Pryras if you read this, I know you totally get this. The guilt/shame message that I betrayed them is that I shared a personal detail of my mother's that was not mine to share, which is that she was a victim of and witness to domestic violence growing up, and she barely views it that way and I don't think she's ever told anyone outside of immediate family. So I'm getting whipped by the idea that I exposed something personal that I had no right to. Rationally, I've also stopped being responsible for holding the family secrets of domestic violence, and one is only as free as their secrets allow them to be, but it wasn't my right to disclose her story that wasn't a direct part of my own experience. Part of the conditioning was that I was supposed to be super-moral, and they acted like they were super-moral when they weren't. The internal whipping feels like shit. I need some outside perspective on this. I do know it's a magnified response.

I ask for gentle comments, please, or at least assertive -- not blaming or punishing or harshly criticizing me. I can handle constructive criticism, not tearing down. This is a huge, huge moment for me and if you don't get that, please refrain from commenting. If you feel like beating me up, yuck. If you feel like telling me to have compassion or kindness for my parents, please refrain, I've poured so much of that into my relationship with them and got repeatedly assaulted and betrayed. I'm not trying to betray them back, the disclosure made sense when I wrote it, and now I can't take it back and, well, if you had my abuse history, you'd understand that I wasn't supposed to speak out about anything, and the letter explains how it was my responsibility to guard the secrets.

I'm sure I will be posting plenty more on this thread; this is only the first punishing assault from the conditioning I was raised with to never expose the abuse.

Okay, I'm done babbling. Here's the letter:

Spoiler

Greetings from GPE. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm reaching out to advise you that you have been willfully misinformed about the status of my relationship with D and M.

I have had brief contact only a few times with them since a conflict between us in 2012, which ended in estrangement after their continued refusal, in spite of medical evidence, to be held accountable for the domestic violence in our home from my earliest years until we moved to [state name; letter recipients will know I was a senior in high school]. A couple years before the conflict, M and I had a telephone conversation about her own experience of domestic violence in which she said, "I guess I brought some of that to you." She never mentioned it again. D has always maintained the violence "wasn't that bad," and that M had "every right" to assault me and I had "no right to" defend myself. In 2016, I reached out via phone and email to offer forgiveness and attempt a reconciliation, but M told me via email that while they were relieved to know I was doing well and wished me the best, they were tired of the blame games and had decided to permanently sever contact. The email was signed with love by Mom, Dad, [dog], and the cats I wasn't aware they had.

In 2018, I discovered M had created a Facebook account, was using a picture of us from 1990 as her profile photo, and was speaking for me in the comments. I emailed her and demanded she delete the photo from her account within a week, otherwise I would advise everyone who had liked and commented on the photo of the actual status of our relationship. She immediately changed her profile photo and hid her friends list, but the picture remained in her profile photo album. Two days before the deadline, I sent her a reminder of my demand, along with screenshots of the reacts and comments, and she immediately deleted the photo.

This August, I discovered M had re-uploaded the picture and was again using it as her profile photo. A few weeks later, I mailed something separately to each D and M to let them know I was aware of the boundary violation and that it was unethical. As of this writing, the photo has not been changed.

If I remain silent, I relinquish my self-respect, boundaries and autonomy to D and M. My public silence reinforces their beliefs that they have the right to: be violent toward me; override my autonomy and boundaries; have tantrums and punish me when I do not act according to their wishes and convenience, even in how I conduct my life; make me responsible for their actions and therefore expect me to protect them from any consequences; and expect me to maintain secrecy and any other necessary burdens to keep their reputations spotless since any sins they commit, I caused them to commit. In short, silence encourages the tormenter, never the tormented (Elie Wiesel).

D and M do not know where I am, what I'm doing, or how I am, and they haven't for a long time. For my safety and well-being, they never will again. I will not communicate with them for any reason, nor again with you, as doing so exposes me to risk of further aggression.

With sincere best regards,

GPE

@Pryras and @Fedrea especially, I would appreciate your insights if you want to give them. If it doesn't feel right for you or you just don't want to, it's totally okay. I don't mean to put you on the spot.

 

[_Kaira_]

No one can blame you for what you did. Ditching toxic people is the best anyone can do for their sanity. You're braver than I, as I've moved half the country (Indiana to arizona) to get away from my abusive family. I still feel the grip of how they conditioned me since I was born. Regardless how shitty they treated me, I still struggle to abandon 'family loyalty' or "family comes first" mentality. As I couldn't act even when they threatened to call cops on me for BS reasons after I left. They used to message me frequently to go back, and calling me just to tell me I'm a disappointment and what not. They've since stopped messaging me, but I can't help that I'm a little pissed they didn't even notify of my grandmother's declining heath or death. I was somewhat close to her.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think you're totally in the right for not wanting anything to do with them and you are also a lot braver than I would be in that type of situation for standing up to your abusers. If my dad tried to pull something like this on me (luckily he hates social media so I probably wouldn't have to worry about this but still), then I would likely just try to ignore him the same way I already do now. I've been ignoring him for over seven years besides a couple emails that I responded to him with under a fake account. I'd be careful about your parents trying to use this letter to find you or to find ways to get back at you though. Not saying it will happen but just in case.

It seems like only people close to your abusers would be the ones to defend them and give you crap about this exposing letter but I think otherwise it's perfectly fine to mention all this stuff. Even if they hadn't done anything abusive to you then they should still at the very least have respected your wishes about not publishing photos that include you. That's just a basic right many people should have and hopefully enough people see it that way.

I hope this situation turns out well for you GPE, good luck!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Dr Iron Arc, neither they nor the people I wrote to can find me. I haven't had a social media account for years, I mailed the letters rather than email, I used my parents' return address, and I send the letters via a mail service so the postmark isn't from where I am. My parents are the only ones who have my email address and I'd be shocked if they used it, they tend to do the silent treatment. If they wrote to me, I'll just ignore them.

I don't know how this will work out and I don't much care. Knowing then, my mother may close her FB account, they may even sell their house and move, depending on how their two neighbors I contacted take it. They may smear me. They screwed themselves by lying all these years to everyone, cracks had to have shown, I know light bulbs are going to go off for some. They really backed themselves into a corner, and now they'll have been outed for the abuse. They'll have supporters, I'm sure some will think I'm lying or that it's just sour grapes, but I did my best to be factual, provide evidence, and to not do name calling . I do know my parents will freak about being exposed, and they'll have no way of knowing how many people I contacted. My mother's ego is going to be sorely wounded.

 

[_Kaira_]

I do know my parents will freak about being exposed, and they'll have no way of knowing how many people I contacted. My mother's ego is going to be sorely wounded.

I know that all too much. If I had the courage to out my family I would. At least for me, I just want to move on from it all. They can say or do anything to slander me all they want. I couldn't care less. They've done it all my life. Grown used to it. They can keep doing it, at least I won't be around any more for them to abuse me any longer. Do I regret leaving some parts of my life behind? Sure. But overall, getting away from them was the best thing I could ever have done. Glad you're doing something to stop any further pain to yourself, maybe one day I'll have that courage to stop my parents' BS.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Well, I finally did it. I finally got to the point that my self-respect said no more. 49 years of this shit, stood up for myself, and relinquished responsbility for protecting my parents. I wrote a letter and mailed it to several of my parents' friends and our extended family.

For those who don't know, my parents discarded me years ago when I finally demanded they be accountable for their abuse. Since then, my mom keeps posting an old picture of us as her facebook profile photo and spoke for me as if we're still in contact. I've told her to knock it off, made threats, made it clear how unethical it is do so, but she refuses to comply and instead doubles down, so I'm following through on the consequences I set for her boundary violation, and also finally exposing the abuse history. She's not a full-on narcissist, but she has a lot of the characteristics and most of her narcissistic control and abuse are directed at me, some at my dad who is her enabler.

The letter I sent out is in the spoiler. I used my parents' first names in the letter, but I've put D for my dad and M for my mom.

Now that I've definitively acted, I'm getting the first of the internal responses that I've betrayed/harmed/abused them. @Pryras if you read this, I know you totally get this. The guilt/shame message that I betrayed them is that I shared a personal detail of my mother's that was not mine to share, which is that she was a victim of and witness to domestic violence growing up, and she barely views it that way and I don't think she's ever told anyone outside of immediate family. So I'm getting whipped by the idea that I exposed something personal that I had no right to. Rationally, I've also stopped being responsible for holding the family secrets of domestic violence, and one is only as free as their secrets allow them to be, but it wasn't my right to disclose her story that wasn't a direct part of my own experience. Part of the conditioning was that I was supposed to be super-moral, and they acted like they were super-moral when they weren't. The internal whipping feels like shit. I need some outside perspective on this. I do know it's a magnified response.

I ask for gentle comments, please, or at least assertive -- not blaming or punishing or harshly criticizing me. I can handle constructive criticism, not tearing down. This is a huge, huge moment for me and if you don't get that, please refrain from commenting. If you feel like beating me up, yuck. If you feel like telling me to have compassion or kindness for my parents, please refrain, I've poured so much of that into my relationship with them and got repeatedly assaulted and betrayed. I'm not trying to betray them back, the disclosure made sense when I wrote it, and now I can't take it back and, well, if you had my abuse history, you'd understand that I wasn't supposed to speak out about anything, and the letter explains how it was my responsibility to guard the secrets.

I'm sure I will be posting plenty more on this thread; this is only the first punishing assault from the conditioning I was raised with to never expose the abuse.

Okay, I'm done babbling. Here's the letter:

Spoiler

Greetings from GPE. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm reaching out to advise you that you have been willfully misinformed about the status of my relationship with D and M.

I have had brief contact only a few times with them since a conflict between us in 2012, which ended in estrangement after their continued refusal, in spite of medical evidence, to be held accountable for the domestic violence in our home from my earliest years until we moved to [state name; letter recipients will know I was a senior in high school]. A couple years before the conflict, M and I had a telephone conversation about her own experience of domestic violence in which she said, "I guess I brought some of that to you." She never mentioned it again. D has always maintained the violence "wasn't that bad," and that M had "every right" to assault me and I had "no right to" defend myself. In 2016, I reached out via phone and email to offer forgiveness and attempt a reconciliation, but M told me via email that while they were relieved to know I was doing well and wished me the best, they were tired of the blame games and had decided to permanently sever contact. The email was signed with love by Mom, Dad, [dog], and the cats I wasn't aware they had.

In 2018, I discovered M had created a Facebook account, was using a picture of us from 1990 as her profile photo, and was speaking for me in the comments. I emailed her and demanded she delete the photo from her account within a week, otherwise I would advise everyone who had liked and commented on the photo of the actual status of our relationship. She immediately changed her profile photo and hid her friends list, but the picture remained in her profile photo album. Two days before the deadline, I sent her a reminder of my demand, along with screenshots of the reacts and comments, and she immediately deleted the photo.

This August, I discovered M had re-uploaded the picture and was again using it as her profile photo. A few weeks later, I mailed something separately to each D and M to let them know I was aware of the boundary violation and that it was unethical. As of this writing, the photo has not been changed.

If I remain silent, I relinquish my self-respect, boundaries and autonomy to D and M. My public silence reinforces their beliefs that they have the right to: be violent toward me; override my autonomy and boundaries; have tantrums and punish me when I do not act according to their wishes and convenience, even in how I conduct my life; make me responsible for their actions and therefore expect me to protect them from any consequences; and expect me to maintain secrecy and any other necessary burdens to keep their reputations spotless since any sins they commit, I caused them to commit. In short, silence encourages the tormenter, never the tormented (Elie Wiesel).

D and M do not know where I am, what I'm doing, or how I am, and they haven't for a long time. For my safety and well-being, they never will again. I will not communicate with them for any reason, nor again with you, as doing so exposes me to risk of further aggression.

With sincere best regards,

GPE

@Pryras and @Fedrea especially, I would appreciate your insights if you want to give them. If it doesn't feel right for you or you just don't want to, it's totally okay. I don't mean to put you on the spot.

I think you did the right thing.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Good for you!! I really am proud of you,for doing this. As an abuse by parent(s) victim I can relate, I really do hope for you, the people which you send letters to will respond, preferably in a positive way.

 

[Fedrea]

Well, I finally did it. I finally got to the point that my self-respect said no more. 49 years of this shit, stood up for myself, and relinquished responsbility for protecting my parents. I wrote a letter and mailed it to several of my parents' friends and our extended family.

For those who don't know, my parents discarded me years ago when I finally demanded they be accountable for their abuse. Since then, my mom keeps posting an old picture of us as her facebook profile photo and spoke for me as if we're still in contact. I've told her to knock it off, made threats, made it clear how unethical it is do so, but she refuses to comply and instead doubles down, so I'm following through on the consequences I set for her boundary violation, and also finally exposing the abuse history. She's not a full-on narcissist, but she has a lot of the characteristics and most of her narcissistic control and abuse are directed at me, some at my dad who is her enabler.

The letter I sent out is in the spoiler. I used my parents' first names in the letter, but I've put D for my dad and M for my mom.

Now that I've definitively acted, I'm getting the first of the internal responses that I've betrayed/harmed/abused them. @Pryras if you read this, I know you totally get this. The guilt/shame message that I betrayed them is that I shared a personal detail of my mother's that was not mine to share, which is that she was a victim of and witness to domestic violence growing up, and she barely views it that way and I don't think she's ever told anyone outside of immediate family. So I'm getting whipped by the idea that I exposed something personal that I had no right to. Rationally, I've also stopped being responsible for holding the family secrets of domestic violence, and one is only as free as their secrets allow them to be, but it wasn't my right to disclose her story that wasn't a direct part of my own experience. Part of the conditioning was that I was supposed to be super-moral, and they acted like they were super-moral when they weren't. The internal whipping feels like shit. I need some outside perspective on this. I do know it's a magnified response.

I ask for gentle comments, please, or at least assertive -- not blaming or punishing or harshly criticizing me. I can handle constructive criticism, not tearing down. This is a huge, huge moment for me and if you don't get that, please refrain from commenting. If you feel like beating me up, yuck. If you feel like telling me to have compassion or kindness for my parents, please refrain, I've poured so much of that into my relationship with them and got repeatedly assaulted and betrayed. I'm not trying to betray them back, the disclosure made sense when I wrote it, and now I can't take it back and, well, if you had my abuse history, you'd understand that I wasn't supposed to speak out about anything, and the letter explains how it was my responsibility to guard the secrets.

I'm sure I will be posting plenty more on this thread; this is only the first punishing assault from the conditioning I was raised with to never expose the abuse.

Okay, I'm done babbling. Here's the letter:

Spoiler

Greetings from GPE. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm reaching out to advise you that you have been willfully misinformed about the status of my relationship with D and M.

I have had brief contact only a few times with them since a conflict between us in 2012, which ended in estrangement after their continued refusal, in spite of medical evidence, to be held accountable for the domestic violence in our home from my earliest years until we moved to [state name; letter recipients will know I was a senior in high school]. A couple years before the conflict, M and I had a telephone conversation about her own experience of domestic violence in which she said, "I guess I brought some of that to you." She never mentioned it again. D has always maintained the violence "wasn't that bad," and that M had "every right" to assault me and I had "no right to" defend myself. In 2016, I reached out via phone and email to offer forgiveness and attempt a reconciliation, but M told me via email that while they were relieved to know I was doing well and wished me the best, they were tired of the blame games and had decided to permanently sever contact. The email was signed with love by Mom, Dad, [dog], and the cats I wasn't aware they had.

In 2018, I discovered M had created a Facebook account, was using a picture of us from 1990 as her profile photo, and was speaking for me in the comments. I emailed her and demanded she delete the photo from her account within a week, otherwise I would advise everyone who had liked and commented on the photo of the actual status of our relationship. She immediately changed her profile photo and hid her friends list, but the picture remained in her profile photo album. Two days before the deadline, I sent her a reminder of my demand, along with screenshots of the reacts and comments, and she immediately deleted the photo.

This August, I discovered M had re-uploaded the picture and was again using it as her profile photo. A few weeks later, I mailed something separately to each D and M to let them know I was aware of the boundary violation and that it was unethical. As of this writing, the photo has not been changed.

If I remain silent, I relinquish my self-respect, boundaries and autonomy to D and M. My public silence reinforces their beliefs that they have the right to: be violent toward me; override my autonomy and boundaries; have tantrums and punish me when I do not act according to their wishes and convenience, even in how I conduct my life; make me responsible for their actions and therefore expect me to protect them from any consequences; and expect me to maintain secrecy and any other necessary burdens to keep their reputations spotless since any sins they commit, I caused them to commit. In short, silence encourages the tormenter, never the tormented (Elie Wiesel).

D and M do not know where I am, what I'm doing, or how I am, and they haven't for a long time. For my safety and well-being, they never will again. I will not communicate with them for any reason, nor again with you, as doing so exposes me to risk of further aggression.

With sincere best regards,

GPE

@Pryras and @Fedrea especially, I would appreciate your insights if you want to give them. If it doesn't feel right for you or you just don't want to, it's totally okay. I don't mean to put you on the spot.

Hi GPE, thanks for tagging me. I think your posts provide wisdom to many so I'm happy to weigh in on this in return if you want me to, but I have to emphasise I don't know much about abusive families and parents so apologise if any of my comments are insensitive or off the mark. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to have parents like that, effectively gaslighting you all your life and presumably doing it in childhood when the brain is more impressionable.

The situation you describe, the way your parents treated you and what they did after they cut contact, is really shocking and bad. For your mother to try to portray to the world that she's still in touch with her daughter would be bad if it was you who'd cut contact, but it's even worse given that it was they who last told you they didn't want to continue contact. It seems to me you did the right thing in posting the letter. What you say on the forum in general about the importance of boundaries and taking steps to enforce them is interesting and true in general. As you say, this is what you've done here. It sounds like your parents are people for whom external appearances are very important, presumably that's why your mother would try to portray to the outside world that she was still in touch with you. In that context, this is an appropriate response.

You described an internal response of guilt/shame and an internal whipping, whilst recognising this was a magnified response. I'm really sorry cos guilt is an awful, generally pointless emotion, and as you pointed out elsewhere, so limiting. You have nothing to feel guilty for and indeed, should be proud of having the courage to stand up for yourself. Yeah alright you didn't have to share your mother's dv history, but in the context of what you describe, it was a reasonable choice, maybe even portraying your mother's actions in a fairer light to others, maybe you were even just trying to be fair. The treatment you describe in childhood and adulthood is shocking. I'm guessing that internal messages from our childhood conditioning telling us to be loyal to our parents (even if fully undeserved) can be powerful, and then also there's massive pressure from society for people to be loyal to their parents, no matter how abusively the parents treated their child. Even if rationally a person knows these "messages" are invalid, they may be difficult to fully overcome sometimes.

There's one more thing I'd like to mention, and bear in mind I could be way off with this. I suspect one reason people like your posts on this forum is they are a product of thinking things over and analysing them carefully- human behaviours and responses, your own and others. I think people who think about things a lot, think things over carefully, by their 40s they can gain wisdom which is helpful to themselves and others. I value the insight of people I know IRL like this. But sometimes I wonder if that kind of thinking can occasionally be a burden for the individual, although it's usually an advantage. I think …when we analyse things really carefully, trying to be fair to all parties involved, trying to see things from all sides in order to come to the correct, fair conclusion……..then on the one hand that's the fairest way to analyse things, but on the other hand, it means the individual doing the analysing is more likely to see things from every possible side and therefore more likely to focus on any potential guilt or slight wrong they may have done in taking the action they have taken. I probably didn't explain that well, and I might be projecting the way I tend to analyse the morality and every possible angle of every decision I make, especially with regard to my own moral choices. For me sometimes this leads to guilt/shame messages, that type of careful analysis of my own decisions. But I think what I mean is…………….a lot of people with abusive parents would just write that letter, know they did the right thing, and not have any internal messages of guilt over any aspect of it they regret because they don't think about things in a detailed analytical way. I envy people who can make decisions and then just move on and not overthink the decision cos it's made, even though I know such people don't usually have the insight of more thoughtful analytical people.

Maybe that's not helpful, but I mention it just on the off chance it is.

Anyway I hope in time you can dump any internal messages of guilt from this and feel only pride that you stood up for yourself. I have a close friend who has a mother who I would say has treated her abusively in adulthood, and she goes in and out of contact with her. When she's out of contact with her mother, she sometimes gets guilt messages in case something happens to her. But she is so much happier, so much more at peace, so much freer to be herself when she's not communicating with her mother and getting toxic false messages. She doesn't owe her mother anything when her mother treats her like that.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Truth is never wrong.

I see secrets as the same as lies. If all secrets were exposed, what a better world this may be.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Truth is never wrong.

I see secrets as the same as lies. If all secrets were exposed, what a better world this may be.

...I seek the truth, by which no person was ever injured. But they are injured who abide in their error and ignorance.

- Marcus Aurelius



My mother's experience of domestic violence and keeping it secret...she has nothing to be ashamed of. Her father hit her mother, her mother hit her and her brother totally unprovoked. My mother has this story of a really great and loving father. He did in fact become sober and stop hitting her mother, but he did not stop being controlling. She holds on to the good about him and does not have a balanced view that he was human and flawed. I'm not going to justify my exposing the secrets about her own family, but I do think that the truth does good and does not harm. She feels harmed by truth and seeks to conceal it, and I can't change that about her.

I'm going to have to accept and manage the discomfort that I did not handle this situation perfectly, and I won't try to justify the means by any potential positive outcomes caused by my overstepping, but I did not victimize her, either -- as I write, it feels like that's part of the magnification, that I victimized her when I exposed her history, that I made her vulnerable to harm rather than to empathy and support.
(@Fedrea)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think what you have done took great courage. It can't change the past or the damage done, but I hope this offers you some resolution in whatever way that is possible.

 

[Silenos]

D has always maintained the violence "wasn't that bad," and that M had "every right" to assault me and I had "no right to" defend myself.

This shit makes me want to fucking scream. I grew up with a mostly absent father myself, and a mother who was the violent abuser but who definitely felt the same way your father described. To this day she hasn't taken any responsibility for what she did to me.

As for your letter, I of course support your actions 100%. There are literally zero reasons for you to feel bad about it, or feel like you're 'betraying' your parents. They betrayed you. This is justice. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I think you did the right thing. I also grew up in an abusive household and you didn't discuss it. My Nanny- fathers mother would justify the abuse she saw with well you know you shouldn't make your father mad. She enforced the shhh don't say a word. You don't air your dirty laundry for everyone to see. I'll be 49 the end of this month. My father died when I was 15 and 2 months. If he didn't die I would have ran off and severed ties. I feared for my life daily when he was alive. Neighbors called child abuse back than it wasn't like it is now. We were so scared he would kill us if we told the truth my brother & I lied. Neighbors reported hearing constant screaming and slap sounds. We didn't dare tell the truth. We were raised to keep it all hush hush. I reconnected to my moms old best friend. She had lost her daughter and watched me grow up. We bonded more when I lost my son. She never realized that life was really the way it was. She said your father always seemed so nice. That when she became friends with my mom neighbors told her stay away because her husbands crazy. She said she never saw that side of him. I let her know what we grew up with and the side he showed people.

You gave your parents a chance to change this false sense of a happy family- they choose not to tell the truth. There are consequences for lying. You have to protect yourself and you rightfully stood up to your abusers.

 

[Lilacmoon]

You did the hard and brave thing, and you should be proud of yourself for speaking out like this. I've been abused too, so I know how fucked it up can make you. You spoke the truth, and you're protecting yourself. Keep it up, good work, and here, have a hug if you would like one. I hope that by doing this you can start healing from the pain you've suffered through.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

what you did took so much courage; you handled this situation well, despite how hard it must have been. we're all proud of you.

 

[262653]

So... do you feel better, now that you did it?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

So... do you feel better, now that you did it?

Not quite. I felt better first and then did it, and the action was an affirmation of that. I've been thinking for months about doing this, had written drafts, gathered mailing addresses, but kept feeling like it wasn't justified, because they weren't really hurting me, they were hurting themselves with all the years of lying, no visits, no new pictures of me, it would have to come out eventually. I felt like it would hurt their support structure, and that they are old and should they be in need, they not only wouldn't have me, they wouldn't have anyone. But it really bugged the fuck out of me that if I died of Covid or suicide, they would have a funeral and get lots of pity. I just couldn't let what they were doing go, but I couldn't figure out how to move forward and not feel disempowered or abusive no matter what I did.

The other day I heard something self-empowering. in a video about narcissists and I felt strong as I had the thought, "These are my boundaries." I no longer had the struggle I did before about worrying about hurting them, but instead felt strong and justified in putting a stop to this shit. That motivated me to move forward, write a final version of the letter, and send it out. It cemented feeling better rather than causing it.

Of course afterward I had the feeling I'd done some great harm with that one sentence and had to work through it, but I wasn't at all sorry for the whole thing.

I now need to work through the dread that one of the letters may go to them since I used their return address, that feeling of getting caught, getting exposed, and the dread of the rage and threats Mom will kill me. She's thousands of miles away, and whoop-de-doo, she has my email address. It's a conditioned fear, not representative of reality. I have more power than she does in this, and she has no power over me at all. They already did their worst -- shunning me, sending me off into the wilderness -- and it's been great being in the wilderness. Their idea of civilization is so skewed.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

Idk your situation that well and honestly I didn't even read the whole thing but sometimes stuff has to come out of the closet to paint a larger picture if it's a self-perpetuating pattern of abuse. Maybe you think you've violated your own ethics and obviously I can't say one way or another, but the abuse M suffered is relevant and sometimes ripping off the bandaid is the best way to heal, not only for you but also for her if she's in "public denial" about it.

Hope I'm not talking shit and wish you the best.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I wish I had the chance to tell my father what he put us through. But since he's dead I'll never be able to tell him. I would imagine it feels very liberating to finally stand up and call them out.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I wish I had the chance to tell my father what he put us through. But since he's dead I'll never be able to tell him. I would imagine it feels very liberating to finally stand up and call them out.

You know, I've told my parents in so many different ways and they've used all their moves to deflect, evade, put it back on me, etc. No matter how much I spoke, it didn't go anywhere, but it was indeed empowering to hold on to the truth and not let them create a different story for me of what happened. I can imagine you might get some of your power and liberation if you tell your father anyway, even though he's dead.

Yes, it is liberating to call them out.

It feels liberating that I'm not carrying responsibility anymore to keep their secrets and protect them. They certainly didn't protect me, not from each other and not even from outsiders. It feels liberating that they have no more power to hurt or control me, and I can speak up and won't be punished. They've already done their worst, they've spent every deflective resource they had to use against me, such as the ultimate -- shunning. I gave up on the inheritance years ago and told them to give it to my cousin, who fills in as the golden child in a way. If they try to tarnish my reputation with others, it doesn't matter, I haven't spoken to any of those people in years and had no intention of renewing any of the relationships. People of discernment will pick up on the manipulation, or question what they're hearing since they've been lied to for so long, or research what they're told, such as a false accusation my dad made to me that I was arrested -- there is no record because it didn't happen.

It felt really good to write that letter and see that I wrote nothing but facts and didn't try to sway anyone's opinion against them by pleading my case that I was victimized, describing the abuse, saying how bad it all felt and fucked me up, or trying to cast them in a negative light; the facts spoke clearly enough. Things like her taking down my photo in 2018 will set off recognition and supports that I am speaking the truth. People are going to become aware that things have been off for a long time, that I haven't visited and there have been no new photos of me. I didn't have to manipulate anything or seek influence to win, but it's not about winning anyway. It's about setting things straight. Unfortunately for them, their abuse is what set things askew. Not my issue. And that is liberating.

There's a Buddhist saying, "The actions of beings are their refuge and their shelter" -- my parents coerced me to be their refuge and shelter, and now I've taken it away and their shameful actions are exposed. What happens from here has nothing to do with me.

That's really the point -- none of what they do has anything to do with me, and my life has nothing to do with them. By calling out what they've been doing, I've made that clear to myself, to them, and to anyone they fooled. It's liberating to no longer be tethered to them, because they were never going to become worth being tethered to.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

the abuse M suffered is relevant and sometimes ripping off the bandaid is the best way to heal, not only for you but also for her if she's in "public denial" about it.

Thank you for sharing that perspective. Yes, it is relevant. I just have to make sure that I don't go the way of trying to use any beneficial ends to justify to myself what I did unthinkingly. She's never sought healing, and it's not my right to force it on her. I own what I did, especially as I can't take it back, and it's not something I embrace and pat myself on the back for. It goes against my ethics to do something like that intentionally, and I forgive myself for making the error. I hope she gets benefit from it, but it's up to her whether or not to receive and experience benefit, and be capable of resilience.

but I can't help that I'm a little pissed they didn't even notify of my grandmother's declining heath or death.

That says so much about them. I felt the shittiness and cruelty of it. I acknowledge that you're pissed and, if you seek it, I validate it.

you are also a lot braver than I would be in that type of situation for standing up to your abusers

Maybe because I'm 49 and I've had more practice at being abused? I've been healing for years, and from that foundation, gaining more self-respect and shedding more fear. I'm moving out of the fear, obligation and guilt, and finally have the power to stand on my own and not have my legs knocked out from under me, my balance is finally strong, my posture finally erect.

I really do hope for you, the people which you send letters to will respond, preferably in a positive way.

Thank you for your kind wishes.

They can't respond. They have no idea where I am or how to reach me. It's wonderful! They're going to likely have a hard time assimilating the truth with the version of my parents whom they know, trust, respect, and even admire. I can imagine they're going to have to work through cognitive dissonance and may even hate me. I don't have to be around for it!

I'm happy to weigh in on this in return if you want me to, but I have to emphasise I don't know much about abusive families and parents so apologise if any of my comments are insensitive or off the mark. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to have parents like that, effectively gaslighting you all your life and presumably doing it in childhood when the brain is more impressionable.

I tagged you because it was, in part, narcissistic abuse. Your comments were not insensitive or off the mark. And yeah, coming out of a childhood with foundations built on gaslighting has been quite a challenge. I became aware that I was gaslit ten years ago, and it's been quite a journey to get to this point of freedom. Looking back, I had to do a lot of boundary work, mindfulness work (though it wasn't labeled that), and self-reclamation to get to this empowered moment where I am creating and experiencing full liberation from what I've always hated.

Yeah alright you didn't have to share your mother's dv history, but in the context of what you describe, it was a reasonable choice,

Thank you for that. It did feel reasonable when I wrote it; it was part of the entire context. In retrospect, I could have taken it out, but I would have lost the admission. And as you mentioned, it does portray her in a fairer light to others, I only regret that something personal was exposed that she wouldn't want exposed unless she herself chose to disclose it. But yeah, this perspective dials down the internal whipping. There was a reason for why I said it. If I were reading the letter, I think I would feel a little red flag at the omission, even if I didn't know what was missing, I would just know the whole story wasn't being told.

As far as your working out how being analytical impacts me...yes, I do try to see all sides and all the subtle interactions at play, and morality/ethics and wisdom are important to me. It can take longer to make a definitive decision to move forward, and I may get beaten up afterward with the lingering guilt/shame/fear/obligation messages. I didn't used to think things through so much, I acted more on feeling and intuition, and was surprised and thrown off when I misstepped or experienced unforseen consquences or reactions. The whipping I experienced didn't throw me off course, but met the narcissistic goal of putting me off balance and doubting myself, hence why it felt magnified, because that kind of tactic is indeed magnifying and hyperbolic. Anyhow, now when I move forward, I have confidence because I've thought so carefully, but am also aware that some things just aren't going to work out neatly or comfortably, so I don't have the false confidence I used to. I recognize that, even though it's not in my power to line everything up perfectly, moving forward is still required, and decisiveness is necessary to do so. I do the best I can, as conscientiously as possible, and imperfectly. Having been the daughter of an externalizing perfectionist, I've come a long way in being okay that I made a mistake, mistakes were quite frowned upon as hindsight "should have been" foresight. (That last sentence -- whoa. Where do I send you the check for the therapy session? )

This shit makes me want to fucking scream.

I feel that way so often when I read others' accounts of being egregiously mistreated. Sometimes they're not ready to hear that. I'm finally at the point that I was ready to hear your entire comment. Thank you. I'm frustrated as well that your mother never took any responsibility.

It's sometimes a little painful to go through, but I'm glad that I'm willing to be aware when my actions have been off the mark, and when I recognize it -- and that can sting -- strive to change my perspective and motivations and do better going forward. Once I become aware and seek to adjust, I find I not only have better interactions with others, I fit better within myself and have more awareness of myself as well as those who my actions impact. Your mother and my parents are not capable of that process. I say capable, maybe there is willingness/unwillingness involved, I don't know and can't make that judgment. I just know that I myself am capable and am glad for it.

I also grew up in an abusive household and you didn't discuss it. My Nanny- fathers mother would justify the abuse she saw with well you know you shouldn't make your father mad. She enforced the shhh don't say a word. You don't air your dirty laundry for everyone to see

Ah yes, our families had the same rulebook.

The thing with the dirty laundry is that it means wearing others' dirty laundry if it can't be aired. I just realized that. Shame thrives when it's kept concealed, the antidote is fresh air and receiving empathy.

I thought of a good response to Nanny, though it would have probably resulted in you getting smacked in the face if your family was similar to mine: "I shouldn't make my father mad? Perhaps he should take responsbility for his own emotions since they're his. I don't cause them and I can't control them. If he can't control them, well then, we're all fucked, aren't we? Maybe he should be removed from the situation until he can act with civility and be safe for others to be themselves around. At the very least, let's hide the guns and all wear padding. Can you sew us up some, Nanny?"

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Maybe because I'm 49 and I've had more practice at being abused? I've been healing for years, and from that foundation, gaining more self-respect and shedding more fear. I'm moving out of the fear, obligation and guilt, and finally have the power to stand on my own and not have my legs knocked out from under me, my balance is finally strong, my posture finally erect.

That's a good point, and it's actually a rather inspiring way to put it! Wish I could wait that long. Maybe by the time I'm that age, my dad will be senile or dead. Either way's fine for me.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

" I thought of a good response to Nanny, though it would have probably resulted in you getting smacked in the face if your family was similar to mine: "I shouldn't make my father mad? Perhaps he should take responsbility for his own emotions since they're his. I don't cause them and I can't control them. If he can't control them, well then, we're all fucked, aren't we? Maybe he should be removed from the situation until he can act with civility and be safe for others to be themselves around. At the very least, let's hide the guns and all wear padding. Can you sew us up some, Nanny?"

@GoodPersonEffed You actually made me laugh! and I don't do that. I loved my Nanny, I was the only grand daughter. Yes her views were very screwed up when we were kids. I don't think I ever cursed around her and the we're all fucked I just burst out laughing thinking about it... thank you and I continually lost it from there.. I would have been more than backhanded bloody and bruised most likely

 

[Fedrea]

I tagged you because it was, in part, narcissistic abuse. Your comments were not insensitive or off the mark. And yeah, coming out of a childhood with foundations built on gaslighting has been quite a challenge. I became aware that I was gaslit ten years ago, and it's been quite a journey to get to this point of freedom. Looking back, I had to do a lot of boundary work, mindfulness work (though it wasn't labeled that), and self-reclamation to get to this empowered moment where I am creating and experiencing full liberation from what I've always hated.


Thank you for that. It did feel reasonable when I wrote it; it was part of the entire context. In retrospect, I could have taken it out, but I would have lost the admission. And as you mentioned, it does portray her in a fairer light to others, I only regret that something personal was exposed that she wouldn't want exposed unless she herself chose to disclose it. But yeah, this perspective dials down the internal whipping. There was a reason for why I said it. If I were reading the letter, I think I would feel a little red flag at the omission, even if I didn't know what was missing, I would just know the whole story wasn't being told.

As far as your working out how being analytical impacts me...yes, I do try to see all sides and all the subtle interactions at play, and morality/ethics and wisdom are important to me. It can take longer to make a definitive decision to move forward, and I may get beaten up afterward with the lingering guilt/shame/fear/obligation messages. I didn't used to think things through so much, I acted more on feeling and intuition, and was surprised and thrown off when I misstepped or experienced unforeseen consquences or reactions. The whipping I experienced didn't throw me off course, but met the narcissistic goal of putting me off balance and doubting myself, hence why it felt magnified, because that kind of tactic is indeed magnifying and hyperbolic. Anyhow, now when I move forward, I have confidence because I've thought so carefully, but am also aware that some things just aren't going to work out neatly or comfortably, so I don't have the false confidence I used to. I recognize that, even though it's not in my power to line everything up perfectly, moving forward is still required, and decisiveness is necessary to do so. I do the best I can, as conscientiously as possible, and imperfectly. Having been the daughter of an externalizing perfectionist, I've come a long way in being okay that I made a mistake, mistakes were quite frowned upon as hindsight "should have been" foresight. (That last sentence -- whoa. Where do I send you the check for the therapy session? )

Yeah I thought it would be the narc abuse thing but I didn't feel I could comment on your mum's behaviour in terms of npd without knowing more. If you sense she's a narc or a semi narc or if you think you experienced narcisstic abuse I bet you are 1000% correct, the one thing that really strikes me about narcissists is they seem to have amazingly similar patters of behaviour. Some people say the narcissist personality label gets thrown about too easily but I don't think so, because these people are very distinct in their actions. I liked what @so tired or manic wrote on one of the narc threads about the narcissist he/she grew up with -"no logic exists but hers. there is no pain unless she feels it"

Regarding the analytical thing - there is this writer, Hillary Mantel, who wrote the Wolf Hall trilogy and others. She's been significantly physically ill through her adult life. She has this extremely nuanced, dense style of writing, and even of speaking, in interviews. She writes extremely accurately in a very nuanced way about topics like power. She once wrote very vividly something about how the stance of writer and her thinking style had been forced upon her due to illness. She said "'You can't get away from dire health, but you may as well get some use out of it. It is not a question of making sense of suffering, because nothing does make sense of it. It is a question of not… sinking into it. It is talking back to whatever hurts, whether that is physical or psychological, so that it doesn't submerge you". It was like she was describing something I'd experienced - when you have suffered badly, it's almost like you have to analyse it carefully to understand what happened to you, understand the behavior of others and your own suffering. I believe that for thoughtful people, suffering whether mental or physical, or even abusive treatment, will often result in a thinking style that becomes even more dense, nuanced, and analytical. Because they have to analyse things to make sense of adversity. I have had physical illness throughout adult life and noticed that during a period of abatement when I was 30, my thinking style changed a lot, and became less detailed, less analytical, and less nuanced. Because I didn't HAVE to analyse things to makes sense of adversity or suffering. Of course I am not Hilary Mantel, nor yet you, so for me being extremely analytical about what's happened to me, about how others may treat me, perhaps has fewer advantages and is more of a burden, with less of the benefit of insight and wisdom.

And I am going waaaaay off topic, and I am projecting my own reactions to analysing the morality of similar situations, so I will leave it there. But it was just something I felt moved to comment on, thinking of guilt messages, etc. Anyway the one group who aren't analysing their own behaviour, morality and the subtly of human interactions is narcissists, that's for damn sure.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Well, I finally did it. I finally got to the point that my self-respect said no more. 49 years of this shit, stood up for myself, and relinquished responsbility for protecting my parents. I wrote a letter and mailed it to several of my parents' friends and our extended family.

For those who don't know, my parents discarded me years ago when I finally demanded they be accountable for their abuse. Since then, my mom keeps posting an old picture of us as her facebook profile photo and spoke for me as if we're still in contact. I've told her to knock it off, made threats, made it clear how unethical it is do so, but she refuses to comply and instead doubles down, so I'm following through on the consequences I set for her boundary violation, and also finally exposing the abuse history. She's not a full-on narcissist, but she has a lot of the characteristics and most of her narcissistic control and abuse are directed at me, some at my dad who is her enabler.

The letter I sent out is in the spoiler. I used my parents' first names in the letter, but I've put D for my dad and M for my mom.

Now that I've definitively acted, I'm getting the first of the internal responses that I've betrayed/harmed/abused them. @Pryras if you read this, I know you totally get this. The guilt/shame message that I betrayed them is that I shared a personal detail of my mother's that was not mine to share, which is that she was a victim of and witness to domestic violence growing up, and she barely views it that way and I don't think she's ever told anyone outside of immediate family. So I'm getting whipped by the idea that I exposed something personal that I had no right to. Rationally, I've also stopped being responsible for holding the family secrets of domestic violence, and one is only as free as their secrets allow them to be, but it wasn't my right to disclose her story that wasn't a direct part of my own experience. Part of the conditioning was that I was supposed to be super-moral, and they acted like they were super-moral when they weren't. The internal whipping feels like shit. I need some outside perspective on this. I do know it's a magnified response.

I ask for gentle comments, please, or at least assertive -- not blaming or punishing or harshly criticizing me. I can handle constructive criticism, not tearing down. This is a huge, huge moment for me and if you don't get that, please refrain from commenting. If you feel like beating me up, yuck. If you feel like telling me to have compassion or kindness for my parents, please refrain, I've poured so much of that into my relationship with them and got repeatedly assaulted and betrayed. I'm not trying to betray them back, the disclosure made sense when I wrote it, and now I can't take it back and, well, if you had my abuse history, you'd understand that I wasn't supposed to speak out about anything, and the letter explains how it was my responsibility to guard the secrets.

I'm sure I will be posting plenty more on this thread; this is only the first punishing assault from the conditioning I was raised with to never expose the abuse.

Okay, I'm done babbling. Here's the letter:

Spoiler

Greetings from GPE. I hope this letter finds you well. I'm reaching out to advise you that you have been willfully misinformed about the status of my relationship with D and M.

I have had brief contact only a few times with them since a conflict between us in 2012, which ended in estrangement after their continued refusal, in spite of medical evidence, to be held accountable for the domestic violence in our home from my earliest years until we moved to [state name; letter recipients will know I was a senior in high school]. A couple years before the conflict, M and I had a telephone conversation about her own experience of domestic violence in which she said, "I guess I brought some of that to you." She never mentioned it again. D has always maintained the violence "wasn't that bad," and that M had "every right" to assault me and I had "no right to" defend myself. In 2016, I reached out via phone and email to offer forgiveness and attempt a reconciliation, but M told me via email that while they were relieved to know I was doing well and wished me the best, they were tired of the blame games and had decided to permanently sever contact. The email was signed with love by Mom, Dad, [dog], and the cats I wasn't aware they had.

In 2018, I discovered M had created a Facebook account, was using a picture of us from 1990 as her profile photo, and was speaking for me in the comments. I emailed her and demanded she delete the photo from her account within a week, otherwise I would advise everyone who had liked and commented on the photo of the actual status of our relationship. She immediately changed her profile photo and hid her friends list, but the picture remained in her profile photo album. Two days before the deadline, I sent her a reminder of my demand, along with screenshots of the reacts and comments, and she immediately deleted the photo.

This August, I discovered M had re-uploaded the picture and was again using it as her profile photo. A few weeks later, I mailed something separately to each D and M to let them know I was aware of the boundary violation and that it was unethical. As of this writing, the photo has not been changed.

If I remain silent, I relinquish my self-respect, boundaries and autonomy to D and M. My public silence reinforces their beliefs that they have the right to: be violent toward me; override my autonomy and boundaries; have tantrums and punish me when I do not act according to their wishes and convenience, even in how I conduct my life; make me responsible for their actions and therefore expect me to protect them from any consequences; and expect me to maintain secrecy and any other necessary burdens to keep their reputations spotless since any sins they commit, I caused them to commit. In short, silence encourages the tormenter, never the tormented (Elie Wiesel).

D and M do not know where I am, what I'm doing, or how I am, and they haven't for a long time. For my safety and well-being, they never will again. I will not communicate with them for any reason, nor again with you, as doing so exposes me to risk of further aggression.

With sincere best regards,

GPE

@Pryras and @Fedrea especially, I would appreciate your insights if you want to give them. If it doesn't feel right for you or you just don't want to, it's totally okay. I don't mean to put you on the spot.

I absolutely respect you for doing it - you've cut through their game playing.

I uploaded a comment to Facebook to tell the world about the emotional abuse from my family.
I uploaded screenshots of texts too.

Furthermore, I made the world aware of the fact that my dad had been accused of child sexual abuse on a number of occasions, had cheated on his partners, had been arrested for illegally owning a live firearm, etc.

The response I got was people telling me other stuff that I didn't know about!

So have faith - people aren't stupid, although they may be shocked at first.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yeah I thought it would be the narc abuse thing but I didn't feel I could comment on your mum's behaviour in terms of npd without knowing more. If you sense she's a narc or a semi narc or if you think you experienced narcisstic abuse I bet you are 1000% correct, the one thing that really strikes me about narcissists is they seem to have amazingly similar patters of behaviour. Some people say the narcissist personality label gets thrown about too easily but I don't think so, because these people are very distinct in their actions. I liked what @so tired or manic wrote on one of the narc threads about the narcissist he/she grew up with -"no logic exists but hers. there is no pain unless she feels it"

Regarding the analytical thing - there is this writer, Hillary Mantel, who wrote the Wolf Hall trilogy and others. She's been significantly physically ill through her adult life. She has this extremely nuanced, dense style of writing, and even of speaking, in interviews. She writes extremely accurately in a very nuanced way about topics like power. She once wrote very vividly something about how the stance of writer and her thinking style had been forced upon her due to illness. She said "'You can't get away from dire health, but you may as well get some use out of it. It is not a question of making sense of suffering, because nothing does make sense of it. It is a question of not… sinking into it. It is talking back to whatever hurts, whether that is physical or psychological, so that it doesn't submerge you". It was like she was describing something I'd experienced - when you have suffered badly, it's almost like you have to analyse it carefully to understand what happened to you, understand the behavior of others and your own suffering. I believe that for thoughtful people, suffering whether mental or physical, or even abusive treatment, will often result in a thinking style that becomes even more dense, nuanced, and analytical. Because they have to analyse things to make sense of adversity. I have had physical illness throughout adult life and noticed that during a period of abatement when I was 30, my thinking style changed a lot, and became less detailed, less analytical, and less nuanced. Because I didn't HAVE to analyse things to makes sense of adversity or suffering. Of course I am not Hilary Mantel, nor yet you, so for me being extremely analytical about what's happened to me, about how others may treat me, perhaps has fewer advantages and is more of a burden, with less of the benefit of insight and wisdom.

And I am going waaaaay off topic, and I am projecting my own reactions to analysing the morality of similar situations, so I will leave it there. But it was just something I felt moved to comment on, thinking of guilt messages, etc. Anyway the one group who aren't analysing their own behaviour, morality and the subtly of human interactions is narcissists, that's for damn sure.

Amazing post. Every word. So glad I tagged you. Thank you for the insights.

Yes, she's a semi-narc. [USER=18872]@so tired or manic's quote was spot on. Mantel's quote was spot on. I better understand now exactly why being analytical was a survival skill. It would indeed be more relaxing to not always have to be figuring things out. It's both beneficial and burdensome, but emphasis always on the benefit. After decades, I am able to actually apply it with a goal of decisive action, though I did make decisive actions when I was younger such as calling her bluff when she would threaten to kick me out, and other times running away. Decisive action may not always pan out as desired, but it is necessary. Without it, I give permission for her to be in and stay in control. My father long ago gave her permission, and he hates me when I don't. He hated lying more than anything, and now he lies...and hates me for it rather than her or himself. I refuse to live in that kind of story. I much prefer accepting reality, even if it sucks, because it's going to hurt worse when it becomes so clear that I can't deflect it or reinterpret it anymore, and it's harder to recover.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Hey GPE,

I just tried to write this on your wall but there is a 500 word limit, so here you go :

Hey GPE,
I hope you're well.
For whatever reason I can't message you. Apologies if our little disagreement offended you and you've blocked my ability to send you a message. My little battles are never intended to be aimed at the individual.
But I just wanted to send you a more personal message about your thread where you talk about your parents and how you have now taken action.
I don't know your whole story (is there somewhere where I can find it, if you have written about it?) but I just wanted you to know that I do connect with what you wrote about your family.
If I were able to PM you privately I would share some of the text messages (with personal details hidden) to show you what I mean.
As I said on my comment on your thread, it just so happens that I too recently decided to upload some evidence of the abuse to Facebook. I didn't mention everything that had ever happened, though.
If you'd like to share experiences, and perhaps talk to each other about how this has effected us long term, feel free to send me a message x

 

[Silver]

You've shown courage, resilience and strength in standing up to your parents' portrayal of their relationship with you. I hope by posting these letters you will be able to achieve some sense of resolution and peace in knowing you have clarified your position and reaffirmed your boundaries.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hey GPE,

I just tried to write this on your wall but there is a 500 word limit, so here you go :

Hey GPE,
I hope you're well.
For whatever reason I can't message you. Apologies if our little disagreement offended you and you've blocked my ability to send you a message. My little battles are never intended to be aimed at the individual.
But I just wanted to send you a more personal message about your thread where you talk about your parents and how you have now taken action.
I don't know your whole story (is there somewhere where I can find it, if you have written about it?) but I just wanted you to know that I do connect with what you wrote about your family.
If I were able to PM you privately I would share some of the text messages (with personal details hidden) to show you what I mean.
As I said on my comment on your thread, it just so happens that I too recently decided to upload some evidence of the abuse to Facebook. I didn't mention everything that had ever happened, though.
If you'd like to share experiences, and perhaps talk to each other about how this has effected us long term, feel free to send me a message x

Thank you for the message. No, I haven't blocked you from sending PMs, it's not possible to do that. One can put another on ignore, but not prohibit them from anything. I simply don't do PMs with anyone and turned off the ability to receive them.

I'm not angry with you; from my perspective, we had a spirited exchange, and I wouldn't be surprised if we do again, but I'm not seeking any battles, I don't "hate your ass," and I have never been hurt by anything you've said. Though to be frank, you do aim below the belt instead of aiming at the argument and the stance. No worries though, I wear a feminine cod piece. It also prevents camel toe.

I've posted a lot about my family on the forum, you can go to my wall and click on the option to see threads by me. It was all boiled down in this thread, but there are more details in the journal thread I did about stopping myself from writing a suicide note to my parents. I worked a lot of stuff out there. I didn't share but a few details of the abuse so as to not trigger anyone, just as I didn't want to trigger any recipients of my letter.

I've never shared my whole story. While I've gotten great support here, issues with my family have nothing to do with my reasons for considering suicide; I know what they are, I don't need or want any input about them, so I keep them private. I've said on the forum before, I liken my situation to someone with a terminal illness: things are bad and they are external to me rather than physical or mental, I can't control them, they're only going to get worse, and I haven't yet decided at what point it's best to end things: before they get intolerable, or when they become so?

As for calling out your family and publishing evidence, much respect. It's incredible that you learned things you didn't know before. If you ever write a thread about the experience, I'll be interested to read it. I think sharing stuff like this helps others because it's validating, and when one addresses it, it's empowering to others who've also been on the receiving end of such things.

 

[Soul]

Bravissima, @GoodPersonEffed! You've done the right thing, and it's a hard and scary right thing to have done.

I'm sorry your angry animus is intent on beating you up over it. I hope knowing that that's what angry animi always do will keep you safe from it. It's not the superior power any more, and you can quote me on that if it keeps yelling at you.

I posted a poem here once that might resonate for you. I'll try to locate it ...

Eureka:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/powerful-poem.21476/

You don't have to invite any grouchy raccoons in. Maybe toss them a snack if they quiet down and act cute. x