LowlyBoy
Member
- Jul 10, 2023
- 21
TW: ED discussion
I feel like I don't matter unless people are worrying about me. I want to be so noticeably sick that people who don't usually talk about emotions with me ask if I'm okay (ex: some of my friends, my mom, etc.) I want people to care about me, I guess. There's not really anybody in real life that'll ask if I'm doing okay (except my therapist obviously, but she's paid to do that).
I feel bad about feeling this way. Some people have horrible eating disorders that destroy their life and relationships and I'm here wanting one just so people can fucking worry about me. I'd never wish an eating disorder on someone, but I honestly deserve one. I want to look as sick on the outside as I am on the inside.
I know this sounds bad, but I've always wanted some kind of eating disorder. I used to watch those anorexia recovery videos on YouTube without knowing why I was so obsessed with them. Their parents always got involved and tried to help them, showing them how much they loved them. Then they would get hospitalized and everyone was worried, praying for them, sending them get well cards. I need to get bad enough to where I'm hospitalized. Because there's always someone that's doing worse than me, and my mom can always point to them and say there's nothing wrong with me because they're doing worse. They have real mental health issues. I feel like I have to prove I'm depressed, either by s/h or not eating.
I'm just self sabotaging at this point. I don't want to get better because then people will stop caring about me. I'm selfish like that. I'm not even underweight rn. I'm obese. 5'2 and 203 fucking pounds. I know I'm abnormally short for my age.
I want people to pick up on subtle clues I give to how my mental state is. When I get upset, I go extremely quiet and unresponsive. But I know it's selfish and unrealistic to want people to notice little things. So I don't blame them for it. I don't let people know when I'm not feeling alright, mostly because I expect them to not take me seriously or for the conversation to become awkward because I don't know how to talk about my emotions in a way that's not joking about them.
I think I'm done typing for now. Sorry for the long ass vent. But I'm glad I at least have this site to vent out my thoughts to. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
I feel like I don't matter unless people are worrying about me. I want to be so noticeably sick that people who don't usually talk about emotions with me ask if I'm okay (ex: some of my friends, my mom, etc.) I want people to care about me, I guess. There's not really anybody in real life that'll ask if I'm doing okay (except my therapist obviously, but she's paid to do that).
I feel bad about feeling this way. Some people have horrible eating disorders that destroy their life and relationships and I'm here wanting one just so people can fucking worry about me. I'd never wish an eating disorder on someone, but I honestly deserve one. I want to look as sick on the outside as I am on the inside.
I know this sounds bad, but I've always wanted some kind of eating disorder. I used to watch those anorexia recovery videos on YouTube without knowing why I was so obsessed with them. Their parents always got involved and tried to help them, showing them how much they loved them. Then they would get hospitalized and everyone was worried, praying for them, sending them get well cards. I need to get bad enough to where I'm hospitalized. Because there's always someone that's doing worse than me, and my mom can always point to them and say there's nothing wrong with me because they're doing worse. They have real mental health issues. I feel like I have to prove I'm depressed, either by s/h or not eating.
I'm just self sabotaging at this point. I don't want to get better because then people will stop caring about me. I'm selfish like that. I'm not even underweight rn. I'm obese. 5'2 and 203 fucking pounds. I know I'm abnormally short for my age.
I want people to pick up on subtle clues I give to how my mental state is. When I get upset, I go extremely quiet and unresponsive. But I know it's selfish and unrealistic to want people to notice little things. So I don't blame them for it. I don't let people know when I'm not feeling alright, mostly because I expect them to not take me seriously or for the conversation to become awkward because I don't know how to talk about my emotions in a way that's not joking about them.
I think I'm done typing for now. Sorry for the long ass vent. But I'm glad I at least have this site to vent out my thoughts to. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
