Need Help....

[avoid_slow_death]

So the past couple of days the suicidal urges and thoughts that cause it calmed down enough for me to be able to handle it. But this morning the urge hit so hard the very moment I woke up, I nearly grabbed my bottle of SN to take with me so I could do it after work today. Not good.

Problem here is I am determined to make it through the Holidays for my family's sake, however, my utter hopelessness and urge to end this suffering is so damn great I am afraid I won't make it that long....

What I need from you guys is encouragement to hold off until my planned time on New Years. I really want to do this last thing as a goodbye to them. It's only fair, but, since I have nobody in my life I am close to, I have nobody to be there to talk me out of a hasty decision....please, help me with this....

 

[Jenjoh2358]

Would meditation/yoga be good?
I hear it calms the mind
Sorry if I am not much helpful

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Would meditation/yoga be good?
I hear it calms the mind

No, tried that. I don't do well alone with my thoughts. Pretty hard to shut out with nobody around to distract me.

 

[Jenjoh2358]

No, tried that. I don't do well alone with my thoughts. Pretty hard to shut out with nobody around to distract me.

Audiobooks (maybe)

 

[deflationary]

Can I ask what your reasons for suicide are?

NYE isn't far off anymore. Perhaps you can derive some strength from the fact that there's a clear end date to your suffering. It's just a matter of waiting it out. You've presumably survived with these thoughts and feelings for a long time already, so you know you can do two months.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Here's the thing, only reason I am desperately begging for help is because nothing distracts me anymore. My entire life I could watch a movie or read a book or go out to some place quiet to meditate. That worked (temporarily) all my life. Nowadays though none of my usual distractions work at all. Not even new ones.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

No, tried that. I don't do well alone with my thoughts.

Have you tried noting "thinking" instead of getting caught up in the content of the thoughts? It's also possible to focus on something like the breath or the feeling in your hands with a mantra such as "feeling", and shutting the thoughts out that way. This requires a great deal of focus and motivation but, in my experience, this can eliminate the thoughts' power over "you".

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Can I ask what your reasons for suicide are?

NYE isn't far off anymore. Perhaps you can derive some strength from the fact that there's a clear end date to your suffering. It's just a matter of waiting it out. You've presumably survived with these thoughts and feelings for a long time already, so you know you can do two months.

Life has been very rough for me. A lot of abuse, rejection and drifting. 5 years ago my mom passed and she was my absolute favorite person. I spiraled down badly and was about to end it, but, a miracle came through. I met the love of my life and we spent the best 4 years of my life together, Her, her little girl and myself as a happy family. That all ended in April and now? I'm just tired of trying so hard and losing every time. Had more than enough.

 

[marinekiwi]

Life has been very rough for me. A lot of abuse, rejection and drifting. 5 years ago my mom passed and she was my absolute favorite person. I spiraled down badly and was about to end it, but, a miracle came through. I met the love of my life and we spent the best 4 years of my life together, Her, her little girl and myself as a happy family. That all ended in April and now? I'm just tired of trying so hard and losing every time. Had more than enough.

I'm sorry you're suffering this much. I know there are some days that feel like all hope is gone. It happens to me frequently as well.
We are here to support you in whatever decision you take.

 

[deflationary]

Life has been very rough for me. A lot of abuse, rejection and drifting. 5 years ago my mom passed and she was my absolute favorite person. I spiraled down badly and was about to end it, but, a miracle came through. I met the love of my life and we spent the best 4 years of my life together, Her, her little girl and myself as a happy family. That all ended in April and now? I'm just tired of trying so hard and losing every time. Had more than enough.

That is awful. I feel for you. :(

Does this forum/talking to like-minded people provide enough of a distraction? Maybe you can try leaning on the forum for the final stretch.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Yeah, that's the general idea. But I feel so.....small and pathetic begging g strangers for support and attention online. Has life really gotten this horrible to the point I have to do this? My God....I should have ended it 5 years ago or sooner....

 

[Naufrago]

I think setting dates will cause distress and anxiety. A whirlwind of emotions. The two times I tried was at the time.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I'm in the same boat. I woke up today and also grabbed my SN. I have a family. And Christmas is coming. I would have been better off dead months ago. But now we are right up on the holidays and every day is hell. Physically and mentally.

I still don't have N. And I want that so I can die in peace, without pain. And my family can have the services post-autopsy and be able to say "we don't know what happened!" because the tox report will take some time to come in. This shields my kids from torment at school from a more public suicide.

The only thing holding me back from N right now is the goddamned crypto nightmare. But if I had N, I don't know how I would resist the urge to take it before the holidays.

I wanted so much to live. But death is going to be merciful.

You are not alone.

In a sense, I still want to live. I have a very strong natural curiosity and I love talking to and learning about how others think and see things. So much in life I want to experience, or at least did. But now? Without the little family I had I don't enjoy anything anymore. Just can't wait until I can pass out and not wake up again....

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that things are this bad. I can imagine it must be an awful feeling, knowing you have to wait. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for and freedom from suffering.

 

[toforigivelife]

Do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself on a daily basis.

Even if it's a small pleasure that you can look forward to every day. A sense of accomplishment, a favorite meal, a favorite snack, a warm bath, Internet time.

Even if you read about ending it and the peace death will bring you, indulge yourself.

Comfort yourself while reminding yourself that now is not the right time. Remind yourself that your time is coming in less than two months.

Whatever it takes to motivate yourself until after the first of the year.

I don't want you to go but I hope this advice helps a little as far as waiting for what you feel is the right time.

My best to you.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Thank you everyone....I truly appreciate your kindness and support towards this broken and useless stranger. At the same time fuck you guys. I'm sitting here waiting for the bus on a major road with tons of traffic trying my hardest not to cry. Damn ya all, lol