Need help with motivation to CTB

[NambaSutra]

I'm a screwed up person. I'm self centered and not nice to people around me. I'm not nice to my family. I've fucked up my life far beyond repair and my brain and mental health is a mess too. I can't even find a psych diagnosis that covers all my problems. Even my old distractions don't work anymore, I'm anxious or scared or angry all the time, I sleep 2-3 hours a night and wake up feeling like shit and I can't pay attention to a movie or video game or TV show (things I used to love) because of crippling around the clock emotions and feelings.

I have multiple good CTB methods I could use that I've bought, but some part of me is still stubborn to remain alive even though nothing will ever be OK. Just decades of everyday morning until night suffering.

I need some clarity and motivation to push past my fear of death and actually do it.

 

[Source Energy]

Nobody can do that for you. When you are ready, you will know it. A herd of wild horses won't stop you from ctb, when you are truly ready.

 

[my-end]

It's whatever caused you to consider it in the first place. Maybe it's the regret of who you are or maybe failure(s) you've experienced. Maybe it's pain you've caused others or maybe it's realizing nothing will change (unless you want it to). I think for some it's that a physical condition is too much to bear.
It is possible some consider it in a rush during times of high stress and now that time has passed but perhaps there's an overall melancholy that affects daily life so it's something that's on the table now and what's the point of continuing while feeling like crap all of the time.
The realization of being in limbo in which some find themselves, between can't ctb but also aren't really living, could be motivating either way.
If there's no single (or multiple) event(s) that's so unbearable to continue living with, I question the choice to ctb.

Change, esp after long periods of time, is hard because the brain becomes ever increasingly hard wired through repetition. If one resigns themselves to the inability to change, to try a different way of being, then it's through their own inaction that they become trapped.

 

[Linda]

Seems to me that if you are not motivated enough to actually do it, then ctb is not for you. At least, not at the moment. Perhaps it would be better to make another attempt at life, and try to find a way to make it work. You have nothing to lose, and if you fail then ctb is still an option.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

imo nothing is a greater motivator than seeing the reality of how we (humanity) treat ourselves and each other and I know of no greater source of real injustice reports than a YT channel called SomeMoreNews whose reports have been making me increasingly angry for about a month now. there's quite a lot of it, probably find a vid which talks about something close to your heart for greater effect and if that doesn't help you, then I certainly can't...

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that after all once someone has a method plan that they feel confident in, only they know when the time is right for them to leave this world, I believe that it's a feeling that one has, but I could personally never fear death itself as I believe death to be complete nothingness where I won't be aware of the fact that I'm gone, to die solves all problems and removes all suffering so of course to me leaving this world is something so incredibly ideal.

But life in itself is certainly enough to make me see non existence as being the preferable option, I could never wish to exist in this hellish and harmful world but of course the fact is that suicide isn't straightforward even if one has a reliable method by their side which I don't. There are just no easy answers to this unfortunately and it certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here when we wish to leave.

 

[hellispink]

Studying the process of death , inner working what our fears are, what we truly need. Its hard to die when its hsrd to move because this depression i know very well. But convincing myself about death and that is ok has changed my focus to being more prepared.

 

[nosoul]

Even my old distractions don't work anymore, I'm anxious or scared or angry all the time, I sleep 2-3 hours a night and wake up feeling like shit and I can't pay attention to a movie or video game or TV show (things I used to love) because of crippling around the clock emotions and feelings.

This is the worst feeling, I just fiddle with my phone, but can't focus on anything, biggest reason for me to ctb, I can't stand it, and get anxious if I try to distract myself.

 

[NambaSutra]

Seems to me that if you are not motivated enough to actually do it, then ctb is not for you. At least, not at the moment. Perhaps it would be better to make another attempt at life, and try to find a way to make it work. You have nothing to lose, and if you fail then ctb is still an option.

Have been trying for many years, actually decades because I'm old.

 

[Escapee]

I just think that after all once someone has a method plan that they feel confident in, only they know when the time is right for them to leave this world, I believe that it's a feeling that one has, but I could personally never fear death itself as I believe death to be complete nothingness where I won't be aware of the fact that I'm gone, to die solves all problems and removes all suffering so of course to me leaving this world is something so incredibly ideal.

But life in itself is certainly enough to make me see non existence as being the preferable option, I could never wish to exist in this hellish and harmful world but of course the fact is that suicide isn't straightforward even if one has a reliable method by their side which I don't. There are just no easy answers to this unfortunately and it certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here when we wish to leave.

Op is looking for motivation not the pessimistic words.
I agree with the other comment. nobody can motivate you to end your life. They can help you see the truth.
You know it when you are ready. You know it when there is no point in living anymore. You know it when it's over.
What I can tell you for sure is that suicide in its right time is the most logical and rational thing to do.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Maybe think about what bad things could happen to you in the future, the only way to guarantee that nothing of that will happen to you is ctb