Method Need help, please

[123monday123]

I put 20 ml deadly GBL in a cup of water but I cant drink it.
Any ideas how to overcome my fear of dying?
I dont really have a choice…. I have to ctb… any ideas?
I havent thought it would be that hard...

 

[NoDream]

Alcohol before maybe or you might not be fully ready yet. Hard to say.

 

[Sanguinius]

Do something other. Then drink it without thinking about your reasoning.
Or cont 3, 2, 1,... And then drink it at 2.

That would be my spontan ideas...

 

[JOT]

Can someone explain what GBL stands for please?

 

[Johnnythefox]

You are aware that encouraging people is against the rules and could land you in hot water!

 

[Dead_Inside]

Can someone explain what GBL stands for please?

I assume gamma butyrolactone .....

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Then somewhere in your unconscious mind you may not be ready. You do have a choice, noone can take that away from you therefore noone can make that choice for you. Every second you are making thay choice, you may not like it but all of us are. The survival instinct is a bitch, maybe you need to explore why you cant, if its fear, if its family, if its the minute chance things can turn around. Take a step back, this isnt a failure, this isnt cowardice right now you are doing the most bravest thing anyone can go through :)

 

[123monday123]

I couldnt do it...

 

[Johnnythefox]

I couldnt do it...

There is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your time.

 

[Sanguinius]

I couldnt do it...

Hey, it's okay... Nothing to be ashamed of, as @jonnythefox says... Just take your time, until you've made your peace with death... It's okay.

Probably we could find another way for you than ctb... If you want to tell us a little bit... We are here and we would listen to you...

*hugs

 

[Dead_Inside]

I couldnt do it...

.... don't hurt yourself over this perceived failure. When you commit suicide is your own decision. That is your final act on this earth and you don't have to do it till you are ready. This world has been pushy and cruel to everyone here..... so take your time. It can suffer your presence until you decide or it gives up and release you.

 

[TiredHorse]

I couldnt do it...

You are not alone here. In the past three months I've failed five times with eb/N2. It doesn't matter what your method is, survival instinct can be impossibly strong when the moment is upon us.

Now? Now you need to take some time, catch your breath, try and get some rest. It wasn't your time, this time. Maybe exploring why will give you insight and strength, either for another attempt or to set that option aside for now. But at least take some time to rest and be kind to yourself. Watching the bus go past is a hell of a drain on the system.

 

[21Neberg]

You've got nothing to be ashamed of. You're fighting the worst enemy of all, your survival instinct. That's what's not letting you drink the cup, that's what wants to hold on to this miserable existence. Try again tomorrow, I'm sure you'll make it.

 

[123monday123]

I was determined to ctb today but something good happened and now I am unsure what to do. Something, and I dont know what it is, dont want me to find peace, it want me to suffer. If there is a god, he hates me. I am not as bad as everyone thinks I am. I really cant stand the pain any longer. But killing myself is so freaking hard.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I really cant stand the pain any longer. But killing myself is so freaking hard.

I can relate to that. When I start seriously thinking about killing myself, I get more active and start preparing stuff, and then feel better. It shows I'm a masochist... It's just disheartening to have a life like this.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Watching the bus go past is a hell of a drain on the system.

First off- damn I am so sorry. Five times in three months..... seriously. I can't even imagine. I tried twice in two months- and I am completely broken.
Second. Wow, you couldn't have said that better..... I didn't even consider how it would feel to fail before I tried to die (I was super suicidally confident) ... and yes. It hurts more than non-suicidal people could understand.

 

[RyanSuicide]

Perhaps you are not ready to go yet. Do not be ashamed of that

 

[TiredHorse]

I was determined to ctb today but something good happened and now I am unsure what to do. Something, and I dont know what it is, dont want me to find peace, it want me to suffer. If there is a god, he hates me. I am not as bad as everyone thinks I am. I really cant stand the pain any longer. But killing myself is so freaking hard.

Full disclosure: something flipped in me on Saturday night --I have no idea what-- but I know it is no longer my time to ctb. Not right now. Maybe later. I don't believe in a god (though I do believe we don't know everything about what we can't see), and I don't believe I'm hated, or deliberately kept here to suffer, but I do know that... I'm supposed to live for now. Damn it.

There's an Al Stewart song with the line, "Nothing that's forced can ever be right / if it doesn't come naturally, leave it." That lyric resonated with me from the instant I first heard it, it is a philosophy that has never let me down, and I feel it applies to ctb just as much as to everything else. That doesn't make me happy about needing to stick around (for now), and it certainly doesn't alleviate any of the agony I'm in, but I'm not going to force it. It isn't my time yet.

If it isn't yet your time, take a deep breath and another forward step. Sometimes that's the only thing you can do.

 

[Redt2go]

Full disclosure: something flipped in me on Saturday night --I have no idea what-- but I know it is no longer my time to ctb. Not right now. Maybe later. I don't believe in a god (though I do believe we don't know everything about what we can't see), and I don't believe I'm hated, or deliberately kept here to suffer, but I do know that... I'm supposed to live for now. Damn it.

There's an Al Stewart song with the line, "Nothing that's forced can ever be right / if it doesn't come naturally, leave it." That lyric resonated with me from the instant I first heard it, it is a philosophy that has never let me down, and I feel it applies to ctb just as much as to everything else. That doesn't make me happy about needing to stick around (for now), and it certainly doesn't alleviate any of the agony I'm in, but I'm not going to force it. It isn't my time yet.

If it isn't yet your time, take a deep breath and another forward step. Sometimes that's the only thing you can do.

Congrats on clarity

 

[123monday123]

Update:
I bought myself butanediol which is nearly as deadly as GBL but doesnt taste and smell that bad. I am very excited right now because now I could kill myself painless whenever I like to. But I dont know yet if I can do it :)

 

[TiredHorse]

Update:
I bought myself butanediol which is nearly as deadly as GBL but doesnt taste and smell that bad. I am very excited right now because now I could kill myself painless whenever I like to. But I dont know yet if I can do it :)

From what's been written over on the 1,4Butanediol Megathread, you'll want to use meto with it, as an antiemetic. And alcohol as a potentiator, of course.

That said, if you're not sure... Wait. Don't force it. But it sounds like you're already feeling confident in that knowledge, so I'll try not to belabor the point. :-)

 

[JustAboutDone]

Update:
I bought myself butanediol which is nearly as deadly as GBL but doesnt taste and smell that bad. I am very excited right now because now I could kill myself painless whenever I like to. But I dont know yet if I can do it :)

Hi @123monday123
It's a weird one but sometimes just knowing you have a reliable workable method gives you strength and inner peace to carry on living! It's so strange. I think it's because you feel like you really have choices and are no longer backed into a corner.

I agree with others and with darling @TiredHorse, when the really right time comes to ctb then you will know it and it's not scary. It's like a change of state of mind happens and you move into a different mental place and nothing needs forcing. If you ever feel you are forcing yourself then it's not quite the time. Xx

 

[123monday123]

@JustAboutDone
But I dont have any other options. I have to kill myself even if I dont want to. I cant even move away because everybody knows what happened. The nightmare has to end...

 

[Purgatory]

@JustAboutDone
But I dont have any other options. I have to kill myself even if I dont want to. I cant even move away because everybody knows what happened. The nightmare has to end...

I do not know what happened. So not everyone knows. There is somewhere in this world, should you move away, where no one knows.

If you do not want to ctb, there is no reason you "have to" as you put it.

This is a decision only YOU can make. I will not judge you on whichever you decide. I do recommend you take a moment to step back and breathe. Take time to really contemplate your options.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Jai]

I put 20 ml deadly GBL in a cup of water but I cant drink it.
Any ideas how to overcome my fear of dying?
I dont really have a choice…. I have to ctb… any ideas?
I havent thought it would be that hard...

Don't worry I was consumed with panic and fear on an early attempt maybe your delaying subconsciously and having these emotions for a reason if you was ready I doubt you would of made this post good luck friend we are all here for you if you need anything

 

[JustAboutDone]

@123monday123 if we can help you you know no one here will judge - we've all done things we are not proud of We may have other ideas to help you xxx

 

[Purgatory]

@123monday123 if we can help you you know no one here will judge - we've all done things we are not proud of We may have other ideas to help you xxx

^^^^^Exactly this!

 

[TiredHorse]

But I dont have any other options. I have to kill myself even if I dont want to. I cant even move away because everybody knows what happened. The nightmare has to end...

Easy on, my friend. Nightmares can end in many different ways, and dying in the middle of one is a pretty poor option to explore first. Maybe you could spell it out for us, and hear some new approach you might not have considered? We're an anonymous crowd, and whatever happened to you isn't likely to go any further.

That you don't want to kill yourself means you almost certainly oughtn't.

And moving away, becoming anonymous, is a lot easier than you might think. I escaped my narcissistic father, dropped him cold, went dark for 12 years. He didn't have a clue where I was. Best thing I ever did.

 

[123monday123]

@TiredHorse I planned to kill myself today. After your post, I am considering not to do it. But I dont know yet. Three whole cities know me. Would be hard to become anonymous... I cant stand the pain of life anymore but I cant stand the thought of me being dead either.

 

[123monday123]

I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up again without me knowing that I am dead.