Need advice regarding some relations

[Scythe]

Disclaimer: I am not directly going through what I'm posting about. It is merely a metaphor for me to be able to phrase it better and for it to make sense to whoever reading.

So I'll say I was in a rough friendship at one point. I was the problem, I messed it up, but I valued our friendship highly, it had been very meaningful for me. I'll most likely get a chance to talk to that friend again soon, but I find that I cannot face them. I fear that I will downward spiral again due to the fact that I view them as a way better person than me and a lot of the times when we spend time together I loathe myself for being a failure who isn't even good at what I love and try to improve on. I'll say for this metaphor, this costed the friendship, they aren't mad at me though.

I really really want to reconnect we have so much memories together, I'll beat myself up even if we don't. I just might beat myself up more if we do, prehaps it's better for me to just move on. However, I was at one point prepared to talk to them again, just right now my mental state worsened and I am no longer prepared.

Don't guess what the actual suituation is, just give advice based on what I wrote.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

If they aren't mad at you, then that sounds like a good sign.
Also if you don't try and reconnect, then you will always be left wondering if things could have worked out.
What do you have to lose ?
I hope things can work out for you.