Need advice or someone to talk to

[RedBuns]

I've been so miserable. I live in New York and we are on heavy locked for months now. I've been so stressed with homeschooling my autistic son. He has outbursts constantly now. My younger son is also hard to handle lately. My husband is an alcoholic who constantly is yelling at us or being over emotional about bullshit and puts everyone in a bad mood. Wakes up at 7am and starts drinking. Constantly verbally abusing our autistic son and.me because he can't accept the fact that he's different. And smacking him. I can't take it I want to fucking die. I haven't showered in I don't even know how long or brushed my teeth. I don't know what to do anymore
Also adding
He's been unemployed since December because he quit. He would rather drink than hold a job to support his family. My house is a fucking mess and I have no motivation to clean it from depression and anxiety. My chest hurts from stress. I hope I get a heart attack and die

 

[oneside]

That pretty much remembers my stepfather. He used to be always drunk and always unsupportive about every family issues. We could never count on him, he was such a useless man, I hated him for that. Best moment of my life was when I finally left home. Somehow I don't feel sorry for my mom since she claims to be "in love" with him, I just can't see the point in how someone could be in love with such a useless man.

It hurts me when I see families with abusive fathers, I wish they were all vanished from universe. I feel sorry for you and your kids, I really know how overwhelming this is and I truly wish you can get away with that situation.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That's an awful situation to be in and forgive me for saying but your husband sounds like a tool. I was an alcoholic, so I kind of get it, but I was never like that to anyone. Your kid needs support and understanding, as do you, and help surviving through the lockdown. I'd suggest that you need to get out of that situation as soon as possible, but I know it's not that easy and have no understanding of your complications, so that's easy for me to say.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My heart goes out to you.

This is a rough time with COVID limiting support services, and although these things have been going on for awhile, it's challenging that it's hitting a crisis point at a time when there's less support available.

These are the suggestions that come to mind:

Take photos to document when your husband slaps your son.

Keep a documented journal of all abuse with dates, times, and details, as well as to document how much and how often he drinks.

Contact a DV hotline for support and suggestions.

Contact a local and/or online Al-ANON support group.

Get one of the above two to help you with a plan for setting limits with your husband. You cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking, but you can set boundaries with consequences. This may look like saying, "If you strike another, and if you do not handle certain responsibilities in the home, then you must leave until you are safe for others to be around." Then when he continues the abuse, make arrangements to have the locks changed next time he goes out to buy alcohol or you feel confident he will be out of the house for awhile. He will be forced to go somewhere else. Leave out a sleeping bag and the addresses of homeless shelters. If he calls the police, you will have photos and the journal as evidence of abuse.

Have private conversations with your son who is acting out. Ask him what is bothering him, and empower him to come up with solutions for the problems. He may have ideas you haven't considered, and he will feel heard.

Remain calm when your husband is baiting you to fight. Find statements you can repeat like the broken record technique. I highly recommend the book In Sheep's Clothing for techniques to manage baiting.

Clean only messes that you are responsible for. Set aside your husband's messes. Stop cooking for him, and only cook for you and your sons. Set aside a shelf in the pantry, fridge, and freezer for his own supplies. Leave his laundry in a pile separate from the rest and don't wash it. Anything that you do to care for him, stop doing it. If he rages, disengage and stick with the broken record technique if he forces engagement.

Print photos of the physical abuse and leave them under his unopened alcohol containers.

Use your cellphone to surreptitiously record all yelling and abuse. Document it in the journal, save the recordings on a cloud server.

I hope there's something I've mentioned here that can serve you, or that will inspire ideas that can help you get your power back.

 

[attell2]

If he's hitting your children, consider reaching out for domestic violence support if you haven't already.

Domestic Violence - Help for Victims of Domestic Violence: Domestic Violence and the Workplace - NYS OPDV

Phone number is 1-800-942-6906

Please reach out if you think I can help you do anything.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Your husband deserves things you can't write.
Seriously if you love your children you should see to get away from him.
When your alcoholism effects people you brought to this world by mistreating them, bullying a disabled child... Doesn't get much worse. Sick bastard.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Spoiler

Domestic Violence Support - HRA

 

[Broken Chimera]

I've been around alcoholics, I know how it is and how it feels. @GoodPersonEffed gave some great advice, but in the meantime get something to protect yourself with. If he's hitting your son he might try you one day. Make a plan to either get him out of your house or leave yourself. He's not good for you or your children and now he doesn't even work? Get him out of your life asap.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've been around alcoholics, I know how it is and how it feels. @GoodPersonEffed gave some great advice, but in the meantime get something to protect yourself with. If he's hitting your son he might try you one day. Make a plan to either get him out of your house or leave yourself. He's not good for you or your children and now he doesn't even work? Get him out of your life asap.

Agreed. I've thought about this a lot today.

I've got enough knowledge of alcoholics and domestic violence that this is concerning. You need support ASAP. I'd say call a DV hotline for starters, document, and call the police to get him out. However, I don't know how violent he is or what kind of backlash you can expect. I don't know if you'll be able to get him out, or if you'll have to get out with the kids, but he needs to be out of the picture before he escalates even more. I hope that you keep the SS tab and other tabs private and can close them quickly. I hope that you can get the appropriate support from a DV resource as well as others to make a plan and be able to follow through on it even though he's there so much of the time.

Here supporting you and wishing for your total empowerment and safety, for you and for the kids. Stay safe, get savvy, get sneaky, get mad enough to give you the power you need but not so much that he gets control. You deserve it, and if you don't believe that right now, your kids do. If something you try doesn't work, keep trying. Don't let on that you're making plans, be patient, and see the end goal, you'll get there in steps.