Nausea is a more unpleasant sensation

[rabbithole]

Than I remembered. It’s like the sensation of going down a hill on a roller coaster. Arghhh. I want to die comfy. I swear I wouldn’t ctb if my mind could accept my new disability and integrate it into my identity but it just WONT. It refuses. Anyone else with a physical disability? How has it affected your identity? Mine is ruined. And I was bullied heavily for a decade so my self esteem was already shot and now with no sexual function, bladder incontinence and bad nerve pain idk what to do.

sorry this is my last place to vent. I can’t talk to friends much because they’re living normal lives and I’m overcome with jealousy.
if I could guarantee sn would kill me and I wouldn’t be interrupted I’d be long gone I think. Or maybe it’s that slight chance of getting saved that makes people okay with attempting? Like the messed up logic of “maybe if I attempt to ctb someone will take pity on me and see how much I’m suffering and change my circumstances” like they’ll see I cannot handle these cards and change them.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I dont have a physical disability and so I dont understand that perspective but I would like to honour it.
I hope venting eases a little of your stress momentarily.
And as for jealousy ... Id run with that ... I always think its an emotion unfairly demonised because we must all be above such base emotions ... screw THAT.

 

[Meditation guide]

Anyone else with a physical disability? How has it affected your identity?

Yes I don't like to go into details but I can't go out and do things or have any fun. I feel like a different person.

living normal lives and I’m overcome with jealousy.

Me too. I know people are out going places, traveling and doing things and here I am doing this on the internet every moment and nothing else. I've never felt jealousy/envy before until now.

As far as nausea goes, it doesn't last long since by the time someone gets that it's not too long, a few minutes, before unconsciousness.

 

[rabbithole]

I dont have a physical disability and so I dont understand that perspective but I would like to honour it.
I hope venting eases a little of your stress momentarily.
And as for jealousy ... Id run with that ... I always think its an emotion unfairly demonised because we must all be above such base emotions ... screw THAT.

It’s so difficult to rise above it for me. I know it’s a useless emotion but it overtakes me anyway. thank you for your kind words and for honoring my feelings.

Yes I don't like to go into details but I can't go out and do things or have any fun. I feel like a different person.

Me too. I know people are out going places, traveling and doing things and here I am doing this on the internet every moment and nothing else. I've never felt jealousy/envy before until now.

As far as nausea goes, it doesn't last long since by the time someone gets that it's not too long, a few minutes, before unconsciousness.

Oh man, same. I’m sorry you’re in this situation too. I’ve never experienced this intense painful jealousy before. I want a job and to finish my bachelors. Not to be stuck inside thinking about all I’ve lost.

that’s good to know about the nausea. I just wish it was an absolute certainty is all. How dumb would it be to try 2 grams tonight? Pointless?

It’s so difficult to rise above it for me. I know it’s a useless emotion but it overtakes me anyway. thank you for your kind words and for honoring my feelings.

Oh man, same. I’m sorry you’re in this situation too. I’ve never experienced this intense painful jealousy before. I want a job and to finish my bachelors. Not to be stuck inside thinking about all I’ve lost.

that’s good to know about the nausea. I just wish it was an absolute certainty is all. How dumb would it be to try 2 grams tonight? Pointless?

Oh wait sorry it’s not cool to ask directly for advice like that.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I dont think jealousy is a bad thing ... i think its a perfectly normal reaction to inequality these days because 'perfection' is incessantly rammed down our throats at such a great rate of knots and most of us are unable to delude ourselves that we are 'perfect' (for long at least).
It would be wonderful if 'ordinary' was still perfect or even perfect enough but ordinary is no longer acceptable it seems but god forbid we should have any emotional reaction about that.
There is no breathing space for people any more .... we are manipulated into constant yearning and then berated for it.

 

[Red]

I’m too disabled by illness, it hit suddenly out of nowhere - one minute I was super healthy n active and worked split shifts all day, doing physical activities in between, then I was suddenly struggling to walk, in constant pain and unable to do most things...

I don’t so much feel jealous (nothing much else is in danger of being taken away except for those few threads I still cling to), yet the envy that burns in me when other people squander their ability to move around without limit or pain is sometimes quite destructive and makes me despair harder at the circumstances in which I’ve found myself.

There are a couple of people in my house who are perfectly able body wise but have no motivation or desire to do anything at all; they don’t even maintain an acceptable standard of bodily hygiene and I’m the one who has to use a special chair in the shower because standing up that long is sometimes far too much. Their rooms are foul, cluttered and stinking; they spend all their time on their arses and don’t pitch in with housework, or even have a real incentive to work beyond that base necessity for income... I wish that I could switch with them as they’d probably welcome the excuse to do nothing, whereas I’m chomping at the bit to get up and be useful!

I cannot accept that it’s just part of me, especially as I find myself without a definitive diagnosis to explain what is happening to me or a treatment to feel better. I’ve made moves to adapt; time and energy management, setting small goals, employing mobility aids and spending way more time and effort on self care than ever before, despite not feeling deserving of it. Still I feel like I am failing and there is nothing, save a name for it and a plan to move forward, that will make it better.

Part of my illness is sporadic gastrointestinal distress; my chosen method of SN clashes with this somewhat. I’m hoping that the antiemetics will work, yet I know that the way they function may interfere with my much needed pain medication, potentially either reducing the anti-sickness effectiveness or by not working as well to control my pain in those last moments. Seems like there is, understandably, going to be some discomfort during those last few moments, and there’s no real way of knowing how exactly it will be until I get there.


If I could be confident that a bodged attempt might end in some extra help I might try it and abort near the end... yet I’ve lived through a failed attempt before with absolutely horrendous responses from literally everyone around me, including the horrible nurses at the hospital when I was admitted. Unfortunately cries for help hardly ever seem to get heard, else many of us wouldn’t be here.

I mourn with you for the life you should’ve had, and for the life I too wanted. Being too unwell to live properly is something only truly understood by those who experience it personally.

 

[rabbithole]

I’m too disabled by illness, it hit suddenly out of nowhere - one minute I was super healthy n active and worked split shifts all day, doing physical activities in between, then I was suddenly struggling to walk, in constant pain and unable to do most things...

I don’t so much feel jealous (nothing much else is in danger of being taken away except for those few threads I still cling to), yet the envy that burns in me when other people squander their ability to move around without limit or pain is sometimes quite destructive and makes me despair harder at the circumstances in which I’ve found myself.

There are a couple of people in my house who are perfectly able body wise but have no motivation or desire to do anything at all; they don’t even maintain an acceptable standard of bodily hygiene and I’m the one who has to use a special chair in the shower because standing up that long is sometimes far too much. Their rooms are foul, cluttered and stinking; they spend all their time on their arses and don’t pitch in with housework, or even have a real incentive to work beyond that base necessity for income... I wish that I could switch with them as they’d probably welcome the excuse to do nothing, whereas I’m chomping at the bit to get up and be useful!

I cannot accept that it’s just part of me, especially as I find myself without a definitive diagnosis to explain what is happening to me or a treatment to feel better. I’ve made moves to adapt; time and energy management, setting small goals, employing mobility aids and spending way more time and effort on self care than ever before, despite not feeling deserving of it. Still I feel like I am failing and there is nothing, save a name for it and a plan to move forward, that will make it better.

Part of my illness is sporadic gastrointestinal distress; my chosen method of SN clashes with this somewhat. I’m hoping that the antiemetics will work, yet I know that the way they function may interfere with my much needed pain medication, potentially either reducing the anti-sickness effectiveness or by not working as well to control my pain in those last moments. Seems like there is, understandably, going to be some discomfort during those last few moments, and there’s no real way of knowing how exactly it will be until I get there.


If I could be confident that a bodged attempt might end in some extra help I might try it and abort near the end... yet I’ve lived through a failed attempt before with absolutely horrendous responses from literally everyone around me, including the horrible nurses at the hospital when I was admitted. Unfortunately cries for help hardly ever seem to get heard, else many of us wouldn’t be here.

I mourn with you for the life you should’ve had, and for the life I too wanted. Being too unwell to live properly is something only truly understood by those who experience it personally.

Oh man I was so guilty of squandering the potential my able body allowed me before I got injured. I wallowed in self pity and had little motivation. Now I want nothing more than to have a 9-5 and a mortgage. It’s ridiculous. I definitely relate.

I’m sorry for your condition...truly. I also went from healthy, working 8 hour shifts to unable to stand on my feet long enough to brush my teeth because of horrendous nerve pain...all because of a dumb lumbar puncture I never needed. Please if they’re trying to diagnose you don’t let them do an LP...you risk developing arachnoiditis if it’s done incorrectly. If they have to do an LP make sure they use fluoroscopy so they can see where the needle goes. I don’t know if you’ve given up on getting a diagnosis though.

would you want to live if you had a diagnosis and treatment plan? Is it possibly an autoimmune disorder?

Oh man I was so guilty of squandering the potential my able body allowed me before I got injured. I wallowed in self pity and had little motivation. Now I want nothing more than to have a 9-5 and a mortgage. It’s ridiculous. I definitely relate.

I’m sorry for your condition...truly. I also went from healthy, working 8 hour shifts to unable to stand on my feet long enough to brush my teeth because of horrendous nerve pain...all because of a dumb lumbar puncture I never needed. Please if they’re trying to diagnose you don’t let them do an LP...you risk developing arachnoiditis if it’s done incorrectly. If they have to do an LP make sure they use fluoroscopy so they can see where the needle goes. I don’t know if you’ve given up on getting a diagnosis though.

would you want to live if you had a diagnosis and treatment plan? Is it possibly an autoimmune disorder?

And yes, your last statement is so damn true. It’s hard to accept the limitations our bodies set for us when our spirit/mind still wants to do so much. I lost my sexual and bladder function with the botched LP and I just took those for granted before...never knew you could even lose them. Never knew that nerves in your back controlled sensation to your groin and bladder. Uck.

 

[Red]

Oh man I was so guilty of squandering the potential my able body allowed me before I got injured. I wallowed in self pity and had little motivation. Now I want nothing more than to have a 9-5 and a mortgage. It’s ridiculous. I definitely relate.

I’m sorry for your condition...truly. I also went from healthy, working 8 hour shifts to unable to stand on my feet long enough to brush my teeth because of horrendous nerve pain...all because of a dumb lumbar puncture I never needed. Please if they’re trying to diagnose you don’t let them do an LP...you risk developing arachnoiditis if it’s done incorrectly. If they have to do an LP make sure they use fluoroscopy so they can see where the needle goes. I don’t know if you’ve given up on getting a diagnosis though.

would you want to live if you had a diagnosis and treatment plan? Is it possibly an autoimmune disorder?

And yes, your last statement is so damn true. It’s hard to accept the limitations our bodies set for us when our spirit/mind still wants to do so much. I lost my sexual and bladder function with the botched LP and I just took those for granted before...never knew you could even lose them. Never knew that nerves in your back controlled sensation to your groin and bladder. Uck.

Bless you that sounds tough - never had a LP but tbh it may be in the list of investigations as I’m off to the neurologist again next!

I’ve had nearly 5 years of investigation; found an unknown lesion in my spinal cord, confirmed endometriosis and osteoarthritis, yet they think yet something else is at play as I’ve had a plethora of varied symptoms through the years... Antibody tests have remained negative despite some symptoms seeming to heavily suggest something autoimmune- I know that these can take some time to surface however so that option is not yet fully discounted in my mind.

I’d want to live if there was a way forward, definitely! I have an 18yo son so owe it to him and my fiancé to try my best and exhaust all my options before catching the bus. I feel that drive to make the most of my situation even now but of course fatigue and malaise aren’t helpful for getting anything done - staying conscious is sometimes the biggest effort; one I’m not too prone to fighting as it offers such blessed relief, that sweet oblivion!

What you are currently experiencing is representative of part of my fear - endo has attacked the areas around my bowel and bladder before and there is suspicion of a more penetrating form of my disease, adenomyosis, being present at this time. I don’t know what I’d do if I were to become incontinent , whether it is bowel, bladder or both... how on earth do you cope?? The loss of something so personal is incomprehensible to me!

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Having a physical disability is so hard and adjusting to it feels impossible most of the time for me, I can certainly relate to your struggles with this. Hearing about your botched lumbar puncture makes me very sad. Those doctors should have some accountability for what they have done.

I started getting ill at around 17 so it has been hard for me to remember a life before that, as the past 4 years have been hell. Especially when no one acknowledges your pain and refuses to believe its real because you haven't declined to the point of needing a mobility aid yet.

My disabilities make me want to die. I feel so ashamed whenever I try to go out with friends and then have to sit down in the middle of what hasn't been a very long walk at all. I put myself through immense pain in an attempt to feel some semblance of normalcy. I don't want people to call me a flake because I feel too sick to hang out with them.

Sadly, when you're disabled, people still expect you to function at some level and if you can't meet their expectations then they whine and moan about laziness and how you need to have a better attitude about it.

Nothing helps my pain. It only seems to fester with time. Even standing up in the kitchen for an hour or so to cook makes my muscles feel like someone dragged a hot poker across them, and I have to immediately lie down. Losing my endurance and strength is one thing, but as things progressed I lost all my energy, then I got neuropathy and IBS, now my fucking mind is ensconced in a huge cloud of fog too.

So many blood tests I had done, even a MRI, with no answers. I had to do my own research and figure out that I had chronic fatigue syndrome because every doctor just said they don't know. No diabetes, no rheumatoid arthritis, no inflammatory markers, no iron problems, no vitamin deficiencies, no celiacs disease, no h-pylori, no active infections, no thyroid problems, nothing they can do.

I've taken over 16 different medications (most of them psych meds but they were prescribed in an attempt to help with the neuropathy too) and nothing helps. At this point I think it is cruel to make me live. I have had enough and after a doctor sexually abused and traumatised me I want nothing to do with them ever again.

My ptsd has worsened and I can tell I'm starting to have issues with my bladder. My biggest worry is that I will be unable to get SN and will be stuck with these illnesses for many more years with no way out and no relief. I can't get benefits and whenever I graduate from my degree my choices are either go to work in very specific jobs or get married, else I'll be deported.

I spent a lot of time lamenting about the fact that I'm useless and my disabilities took everything from me. My partner is the only way I can stay here and he shows hesitation on commitment despite the fact that he knows I am unable to have a full time job with my conditions and I am currently reliant on him. I would do anything to be more useful to prove that I am not worthless. This situation has shown me my only options are to suffer for life or ctb, and despite how scary it feels, I know that for me there are no other options.

I am afraid of vomiting too. I hate the sensation. I am used to the pain in my stomach now but everytime I vomit I cry usually because of how uncomfortable it feels. I wish there was a more peaceful way than SN.

Sending love.

 

[k75]

Of all the things I'm worried about, nausea isn't one of them. It's the most awful sensation, but I've had chronic nausea and vomiting for 6 years now. I have to take Meto and Zofran multiple times a day. So I have to deal with it regardless. The only good thing is I was already prescribed the antiemetics I'll need.

 

[Aap]

Do you have cauda equina syndrome? If so, my sincere sympathy. If you want to self harm, self harm. If you are actually looking for a peaceful exit, check out the megathread and look for exit bag/inert gas.

 

[rabbithole]

Bless you that sounds tough - never had a LP but tbh it may be in the list of investigations as I’m off to the neurologist again next!

I’ve had nearly 5 years of investigation; found an unknown lesion in my spinal cord, confirmed endometriosis and osteoarthritis, yet they think yet something else is at play as I’ve had a plethora of varied symptoms through the years... Antibody tests have remained negative despite some symptoms seeming to heavily suggest something autoimmune- I know that these can take some time to surface however so that option is not yet fully discounted in my mind.

I’d want to live if there was a way forward, definitely! I have an 18yo son so owe it to him and my fiancé to try my best and exhaust all my options before catching the bus. I feel that drive to make the most of my situation even now but of course fatigue and malaise aren’t helpful for getting anything done - staying conscious is sometimes the biggest effort; one I’m not too prone to fighting as it offers such blessed relief, that sweet oblivion!

What you are currently experiencing is representative of part of my fear - endo has attacked the areas around my bowel and bladder before and there is suspicion of a more penetrating form of my disease, adenomyosis, being present at this time. I don’t know what I’d do if I were to become incontinent , whether it is bowel, bladder or both... how on earth do you cope?? The loss of something so personal is incomprehensible to me!

Geez. I hope they find the problem soon and can do something to treat it. I wonder if it’s ME / chronic fatigue syndrome? I dunno, just a possibility. Also I think MS causes lesions on the spinal cord? I’m sure there’s idiopathic causes too. Man the body can be so confusing when something goes wrong

an LP can be very helpful in diagnosing autoimmune disease but if you ever have one definitely make sure it’s x-ray guided.

I truly don’t cope is the answer lol. Or do so very very poorly. I cannot stand it. It’s incredibly uncomfortable. I already had very low self esteem from being bullied and then to lose my sexual and bladder function has just torn me to bits. I want to live yet I can’t live in this body. It’s a painful situation...it’s such a rare thing to happen too I just got so damn unlucky that night.

Do you have cauda equina syndrome? If so, my sincere sympathy. If you want to self harm, self harm. If you are actually looking for a peaceful exit, check out the megathread and look for exit bag/inert gas.

It’s an iatrogenic CES, yeah. I had a botched lumbar puncture and the resident irritated my cauda equina...probably with blood or the anesthetic so now I have ces and arachnoiditis. Thank you for your sympathy and suggestion. I would definitely go for the exit bag but I live with my parents and can’t get the equipment sadly. They know I’m suicidal but they do occasionally leave me home alone in the morning/afternoon so I’m just waiting for the day I wake up with them both gone to take the SN. It’s so damn tough because I don’t know when they’ll be back if they’re gone so it’s risky. Ugh.

Having a physical disability is so hard and adjusting to it feels impossible most of the time for me, I can certainly relate to your struggles with this. Hearing about your botched lumbar puncture makes me very sad. Those doctors should have some accountability for what they have done.

I started getting ill at around 17 so it has been hard for me to remember a life before that, as the past 4 years have been hell. Especially when no one acknowledges your pain and refuses to believe its real because you haven't declined to the point of needing a mobility aid yet.

My disabilities make me want to die. I feel so ashamed whenever I try to go out with friends and then have to sit down in the middle of what hasn't been a very long walk at all. I put myself through immense pain in an attempt to feel some semblance of normalcy. I don't want people to call me a flake because I feel too sick to hang out with them.

Sadly, when you're disabled, people still expect you to function at some level and if you can't meet their expectations then they whine and moan about laziness and how you need to have a better attitude about it.

Nothing helps my pain. It only seems to fester with time. Even standing up in the kitchen for an hour or so to cook makes my muscles feel like someone dragged a hot poker across them, and I have to immediately lie down. Losing my endurance and strength is one thing, but as things progressed I lost all my energy, then I got neuropathy and IBS, now my fucking mind is ensconced in a huge cloud of fog too.

So many blood tests I had done, even a MRI, with no answers. I had to do my own research and figure out that I had chronic fatigue syndrome because every doctor just said they don't know. No diabetes, no rheumatoid arthritis, no inflammatory markers, no iron problems, no vitamin deficiencies, no celiacs disease, no h-pylori, no active infections, no thyroid problems, nothing they can do.

I've taken over 16 different medications (most of them psych meds but they were prescribed in an attempt to help with the neuropathy too) and nothing helps. At this point I think it is cruel to make me live. I have had enough and after a doctor sexually abused and traumatised me I want nothing to do with them ever again.

My ptsd has worsened and I can tell I'm starting to have issues with my bladder. My biggest worry is that I will be unable to get SN and will be stuck with these illnesses for many more years with no way out and no relief. I can't get benefits and whenever I graduate from my degree my choices are either go to work in very specific jobs or get married, else I'll be deported.

I spent a lot of time lamenting about the fact that I'm useless and my disabilities took everything from me. My partner is the only way I can stay here and he shows hesitation on commitment despite the fact that he knows I am unable to have a full time job with my conditions and I am currently reliant on him. I would do anything to be more useful to prove that I am not worthless. This situation has shown me my only options are to suffer for life or ctb, and despite how scary it feels, I know that for me there are no other options.

I am afraid of vomiting too. I hate the sensation. I am used to the pain in my stomach now but everytime I vomit I cry usually because of how uncomfortable it feels. I wish there was a more peaceful way than SN.

Sending love.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. It’s so unfair and I feel so awful that you’re stuck with no options other than ctb or suffer. I wonder if there’s some treatment that could help. The lead singer of Belle & Sebastian has ME and has spoken about it in interviews...I think he has recovered quite a bit if not completely.

sending love to you as well.