I am sorry to hear it. I do believe in a happy life after growing up in an abusive environment. I wonder if being happy is even possible after being parented by a narcisist. I wodner if in debth talk with someone could help with that. Maybe checking out is the best way. I doubt years of theraphy are worth it for few substandard years you get at the end.
Yes, it is possible to recover and even thrive. Important steps for me were learning about and building boundaries (books), learning about narcissistic abuse and manipulation (books and videos), working on building self-respect (gets rid of manipulation fleas, learn accountability, etc.).l, and releasing patterns and limiting mindsets with Emotional Freedom Technique and Tapas Acupressure Technique.
Narcissistic parents expect you to take on all kinds of burdens and take shit, and it took me years to come out of the shit they put on me and to shake off the burdens of protecting them, pitying them, and having overactive empathy and ethics (forced moral purity). Even though I knew the abuse was irrational and ridiculous when it was happening, I took on much more than I realized and was attached to them much more than I realized. They are entitled and fucking nuts. That will never change.
Now? More and more every day I'm enjoying this:
My reasons for suicide have nothing to do with them, and nor do I give any more fucks about all the twisted ways they will react when they find out. I didn't cause their shit, I can't control it, I can't cure it, and I certainly don't deserve it. They had so many opportunities along the way to be accountable and change and they refused and doubled -- no, more like centupled -- down. I'm really almost completely over it. It is...ugh, no words for the moments of realizing how free I am. My attention finally gets to be on me and completely the fuck off of them. They do not merit it. Period. It's amazing how much lighter I feel, how unencumbered. One of the last things I did was out them, and I don't carry that burden of protecting them anymore, and they didn't kill me, we're still no contact, and they didn't change their truly outrageous, ridiculous behavior by being outed, but I have no more ownership of that because I stopped fearing, enabling and accepting it, and I stopped feeling helpless in the face of it. All of the steps I've taken, I've gotten more and more of my stolen and repressed inherent power back. Outing them to people important to them really helped to release some of the final "FOG." It's sad they have narcissism issues and the histories that caused them, but their shit is their shit, it's in their yards, and only they are accountable for it; if they don't take accountability, it feels good to finally be able to say, Meh, their yards are shit. Mine is better all them time, and I'll die exponentially less burdened and disempowered than I would have. It was totally worth all the work and effort.
