Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I posted this earlier but decided to delete it. But then the attempt at welfare check happend.
I sent him away. He offered to order me food. I said no. He tried the bullshit attempt at trying to call a welfare check/ ask if im in imminent danger. I said no. He said oh I just care not trying to bother you. I told him that any attempt to keep me living is bothering me.
I'm just at a place of being fucking fed up with everything and I made it clear yesterday that I want to left alone. It comes across as thinking that my resolve is weak enough to be broken apart by some words. It comes across as everyone assuming I'm not fucking serious about dying like usual.
This time is different. I don't want to eat and I don't want anyone buying me food. I don't want any support in regards to living.
I just want to fucking die & be left alone to do so if all the support I can receive is around living.
I'm so fucking fed up with everything. I'm done with this living shit.
In regards to not eating I'm not feeling that horrible. Been sleeping lots and for someone that struggles with a lot of insomnia that's been nice. Haven't reallly felt that weak either. Been feeling more irritable but thats to be expected and not just related to the lack of food. Im generally irritated about somethings/feelings I've been repressing for awhile now.
So yeah. I hope that's the end of it. In the past I was grateful for having support and now honestly it just fucking irritates me. I don't want to live, stop trying to get me to want to live or to keep me living. It just becomes insulting tbh. To be try to be forced to live becomes fucking irritating. Don't tell me you are there for me if the only flow within a connection goes when I'm all cheerful and trying to live. Like just fuck off.
I'm so over this life of mine. I don't want a restart anymore. It's not possible for me anyway. I just want this life to end. The sooner the better.
Then like fucking hours later he text me saying hes calling a welfare check. LIKE WTF!?
What the fuck is wrong with people I called him and was obviously upset so yelling and first hes like don't yell and then says ok if u don't want a welfare check I won't call one. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?
Do people think this stupid shit is a fucking game? Im in a horrible mood as anyone who isnt eating usually is. I don't fucking need the police in my house or at my fucking door.
Like good job you've lost my trust completely. GOD. I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD. I HATE BEING ALIVE. I HATE THAT ITS SO FUCKING HARD TO DIE.
I just want the world that is gonna get in the way with my plans to kill myself to leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to be saved or helped or anything I just want to be left to end my life in fucking peace.
I just want to fucking die. Impulsively so bc I'm sick of all the thought surrounding it. Im sick of the fact that I've been waiting for 7 fucking yrs to end my life and struggling with the method for 7 fucking yrs.
UGH. Im sick of this shit. I just need to fucking figure out a method. Even without my usual fear there is still the baseline human fears and such. So I still needa think about it. Think about the stupid method and keep going over it over and over. This shit is tiring and a big reason as to why I'm just thinking of jumping at this point. But who knows if I'll be able to do that
Like who really knows if I'll be able to execute anything. This shit is fucking depressing.
I sent him away. He offered to order me food. I said no. He tried the bullshit attempt at trying to call a welfare check/ ask if im in imminent danger. I said no. He said oh I just care not trying to bother you. I told him that any attempt to keep me living is bothering me.
I'm just at a place of being fucking fed up with everything and I made it clear yesterday that I want to left alone. It comes across as thinking that my resolve is weak enough to be broken apart by some words. It comes across as everyone assuming I'm not fucking serious about dying like usual.
This time is different. I don't want to eat and I don't want anyone buying me food. I don't want any support in regards to living.
I just want to fucking die & be left alone to do so if all the support I can receive is around living.
I'm so fucking fed up with everything. I'm done with this living shit.
In regards to not eating I'm not feeling that horrible. Been sleeping lots and for someone that struggles with a lot of insomnia that's been nice. Haven't reallly felt that weak either. Been feeling more irritable but thats to be expected and not just related to the lack of food. Im generally irritated about somethings/feelings I've been repressing for awhile now.
So yeah. I hope that's the end of it. In the past I was grateful for having support and now honestly it just fucking irritates me. I don't want to live, stop trying to get me to want to live or to keep me living. It just becomes insulting tbh. To be try to be forced to live becomes fucking irritating. Don't tell me you are there for me if the only flow within a connection goes when I'm all cheerful and trying to live. Like just fuck off.
I'm so over this life of mine. I don't want a restart anymore. It's not possible for me anyway. I just want this life to end. The sooner the better.
Then like fucking hours later he text me saying hes calling a welfare check. LIKE WTF!?
What the fuck is wrong with people I called him and was obviously upset so yelling and first hes like don't yell and then says ok if u don't want a welfare check I won't call one. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?
Do people think this stupid shit is a fucking game? Im in a horrible mood as anyone who isnt eating usually is. I don't fucking need the police in my house or at my fucking door.
Like good job you've lost my trust completely. GOD. I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD. I HATE BEING ALIVE. I HATE THAT ITS SO FUCKING HARD TO DIE.
I just want the world that is gonna get in the way with my plans to kill myself to leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to be saved or helped or anything I just want to be left to end my life in fucking peace.
I just want to fucking die. Impulsively so bc I'm sick of all the thought surrounding it. Im sick of the fact that I've been waiting for 7 fucking yrs to end my life and struggling with the method for 7 fucking yrs.
UGH. Im sick of this shit. I just need to fucking figure out a method. Even without my usual fear there is still the baseline human fears and such. So I still needa think about it. Think about the stupid method and keep going over it over and over. This shit is tiring and a big reason as to why I'm just thinking of jumping at this point. But who knows if I'll be able to do that
Like who really knows if I'll be able to execute anything. This shit is fucking depressing.
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