Venting My weird perfectionism/egoism has always been at the core of my suicidal tendencies and I can't make it stop

[Waylander]

I feel like a psycho...I have never been abused or went through anything traumatic. I am the only cause of my trauma and even though I can rationalise it, I cannot help it.

I can be fine for months but then when I start failing at something that I consider the ultimate gateway to my ultimate goal, my whole life loses meaning. Like big time. Literally. I cannot even put the emotion into words.

...but when it happens I go crazy and for my surroundings it must be confusing...that's the weird thing like sooo many things just don't affect me so I can be happy and normal for 5 months straight but then when I fail at something (I consider) major I do a complete 180. I stop sleeping, I stop eating, I start cutting myself, self medicating (overdosing) with what I can find, and plan my suicide. Depending whether the issue is solved within days then I go back to being normal again and having a normal happy social life...or it can go for weeks and it's bad. I think it's because I have no real sense of identity and my only sense of self is based on my goals and ambitions...

No one raised me to be this way. My parents had normal healthy expectations of me, no one bullied me at school, like I have no excuse to be this way, no valid reason.. I don't know what went wrong but it's never going away because I've been like this ever since I was a little kid. When I was a teenager and lived with my parents they had in their power to stop me from complete self destruction (and I was more careful with certain things bcs I didn't wanna impose I suppose, like i hate to be a nuisance to ppl, I need to be perfect at all times lmao)...but now that I live alone (I am in a foreign country studying uni) I might not survive this because there is no one to pull me out of this. I have friends but I am not that close with anyone (never have been, or I am just not used to sharing any of my problems anyhow), the thought of sharing this makes me uncomfortable and either way it never solves anything. My brain needs a solution to the problem, not comfort from someone trying to be nice because they like me.

The worst thing is no one really understands this either cause the things I wanna kill myself over are handled just fine by normal people. Like I am the epitome of overreaction in this. Therefore I deserve no sympathy, or I guess...everyone deserves some sympathy bcs we all struggle in different ways but no one ever understands how I truly feel (at least never met anyone like this, ever...i've seen ppl struggle with different things but never the same dumb shit I struggle with) because this behaviour is insane and not justifiable by any other reason than some underlying mental illness I was born with (even though my parents are completely normal, though my grandad has bipolar so there might be a link there somewhere).

 

[HangMan123]

Well, I think you just have to accept that failure is a part of life. Confucius said: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Nobody is perfect; Jesus said "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" on the cross; Gandhi slept with underaged girls, including his NIECE; Buddha was misogynist; and Confucius himself owned slaves, yet they are all famed as moral and successful humans.
What I'm trying to say is that you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You can still make HUGE mistakes—look at Gandhi—and be successful. I know it's very difficult and way easier said than done, but I think that's the only way out of your situation.
And you're not a "psycho." This is just another example of you being too hard on yourself. Your feelings are still valid and you have the same right to feel them as anyone else.
I hope you learn to forgive yourself because I know being too critical can make life hell. Sending you virtual luck!

 

[moralfag]

I feel like a psycho...I have never been abused or went through anything traumatic. I am the only cause of my trauma and even though I can rationalise it, I cannot help it.

I can be fine for months but then when I start failing at something that I consider the ultimate gateway to my ultimate goal, my whole life loses meaning. Like big time. Literally. I cannot even put the emotion into words.

...but when it happens I go crazy and for my surroundings it must be confusing...that's the weird thing like sooo many things just don't affect me so I can be happy and normal for 5 months straight but then when I fail at something (I consider) major I do a complete 180. I stop sleeping, I stop eating, I start cutting myself, self medicating (overdosing) with what I can find, and plan my suicide. Depending whether the issue is solved within days then I go back to being normal again and having a normal happy social life...or it can go for weeks and it's bad. I think it's because I have no real sense of identity and my only sense of self is based on my goals and ambitions...

No one raised me to be this way. My parents had normal healthy expectations of me, no one bullied me at school, like I have no excuse to be this way, no valid reason.. I don't know what went wrong but it's never going away because I've been like this ever since I was a little kid. When I was a teenager and lived with my parents they had in their power to stop me from complete self destruction (and I was more careful with certain things bcs I didn't wanna impose I suppose, like i hate to be a nuisance to ppl, I need to be perfect at all times lmao)...but now that I live alone (I am in a foreign country studying uni) I might not survive this because there is no one to pull me out of this. I have friends but I am not that close with anyone (never have been, or I am just not used to sharing any of my problems anyhow), the thought of sharing this makes me uncomfortable and either way it never solves anything. My brain needs a solution to the problem, not comfort from someone trying to be nice because they like me.

The worst thing is no one really understands this either cause the things I wanna kill myself over are handled just fine by normal people. Like I am the epitome of overreaction in this. Therefore I deserve no sympathy, or I guess...everyone deserves some sympathy bcs we all struggle in different ways but no one ever understands how I truly feel (at least never met anyone like this, ever...i've seen ppl struggle with different things but never the same dumb shit I struggle with) because this behaviour is insane and not justifiable by any other reason than some underlying mental illness I was born with (even though my parents are completely normal, though my grandad has bipolar so there might be a link there somewhere).

I wish I had helpful advice I could give you, but the only thing I can think of to say right now is that this resonates very well with me, I've felt the same way my whole life. It seems like things impact me more than they would impact normal people and it's so refreshing to see someone else who has had the same experience (especially one where you feel completely fine for an extended period of time until one small mistake turns your life into a whole 180). I wish you the best, and I hope you're able to find advice to help!! ^_^

 

[Waylander]

Well, I think you just have to accept that failure is a part of life. Confucius said: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Nobody is perfect; Jesus said "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" on the cross; Gandhi slept with underaged girls, including his NIECE; Buddha was misogynist; and Confucius himself owned slaves, yet they are all famed as moral and successful humans.
What I'm trying to say is that you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You can still make HUGE mistakes—look at Gandhi—and be successful. I know it's very difficult and way easier said than done, but I think that's the only way out of your situation.
And you're not a "psycho." This is just another example of you being too hard on yourself. Your feelings are still valid and you have the same right to feel them as anyone else.
I hope you learn to forgive yourself because I know being too critical can make life hell. Sending you virtual luck!

Haha yeah, that's nice. I appreciate the reply...I've tried to force myself into this mindset many times. My room is full of motivational quotes on post it notes "The faster you will fail the faster you will succeed" and all that...but it just doesn't quite compute. I would like to be more spiritual, but I know I am not. I keep trying to be but somehow my mind just can't let go like that. I've given everyone else all this advice I've gathered over the years of reading philosophy or just thinking about things based on my own experience but I cannot for the life of me apply it to myself. I keep repeating the same patterns, and my mistakes are not about me being a bad person, I don't think I am. I just have this need to be the best at everything, or reach some very specific goals I've set for myself. I think I find it impossible to let go because it's all I have. Like if i am not a genius in this thing then what's the point of me (I don't hate myself, but my personality is dependent on the current goal I have in the moment...so when I lose it, I have nothing)...again, I can rationalize the hell out of this. I can tell myself over and over life is full of opportunities, one failure doesn't dictate the rest of my life, everyone stumbles at some point...

But yeah, I think the issue is that I have nothing to fall back on when I fail (at very specific things). Most ppl are sad about failures but they get over them because it's not 'All or Nothing' for them, their spiritual life is deeper, their connections more complex. I have a lot of friends, hobbies, I do all kinds of stuff, it's not like I dedicate my life to one thing only...my life is pretty diverse. But all my connections are either surface level or fleeting, my life is based around constant learning and exploration of things I don't understand but I move on so quick and never dedicate myself to anything properly, and I very much need everything right now, the moment I want something I need to have it in that moment (more or less, I mean it knowledge wise too, like I have a need to learn a new language over night but obviously that's impossible)...and yeah if I don't have it, I collapse.

So I really think I lack some spiritual depth, and my brain is even more enabled by the fast society we live in haha, but most likely I have a predisposition for this mindset too...cause sometimes I really think I am the only one losing it around me (in this specific way, I do understand other ppl have issues I likely have no clue about but unlike me...everyone manages to live somehow through them..in my environment at least)

 

[PI3.14]

Ig we're very similar.

I also have the all-or-nothing mindset, I also cannot accept living or "moving on" if certain things I deem very important don't go the way I wanted.

The thing is, all the things I considered important, didn't go the way I wanted. I have a body that I absolutely hate, which ofc made me have a severe BDD. I also lost a full ride scholarship due to my mental health, was also studying abroad, and was hoping to use that to get away from my country permanently.

Now, you can imagine how having all my major "wants and desires" getting crushed feels like, it's a nightmare, and that's why I'm planning to CTB, can't force myself to accept a less of a life, I just can't.

Btw, did take meds and tried therapy for this, nothing worked, the heart wants what it wants ig, nothing will change that.

 

[HangMan123]

Haha yeah, that's nice. I appreciate the reply...I've tried to force myself into this mindset many times. My room is full of motivational quotes on post it notes "The faster you will fail the faster you will succeed" and all that...but it just doesn't quite compute. I would like to be more spiritual, but I know I am not. I keep trying to be but somehow my mind just can't let go like that. I've given everyone else all this advice I've gathered over the years of reading philosophy or just thinking about things based on my own experience but I cannot for the life of me apply it to myself. I keep repeating the same patterns, and my mistakes are not about me being a bad person, I don't think I am. I just have this need to be the best at everything, or reach some very specific goals I've set for myself. I think I find it impossible to let go because it's all I have. Like if i am not a genius in this thing then what's the point of me (I don't hate myself, but my personality is dependent on the current goal I have in the moment...so when I lose it, I have nothing)...again, I can rationalize the hell out of this. I can tell myself over and over life is full of opportunities, one failure doesn't dictate the rest of my life, everyone stumbles at some point...

But yeah, I think the issue is that I have nothing to fall back on when I fail (at very specific things). Most ppl are sad about failures but they get over them because it's not 'All or Nothing' for them, their spiritual life is deeper, their connections more complex. I have a lot of friends, hobbies, I do all kinds of stuff, it's not like I dedicate my life to one thing only...my life is pretty diverse. But all my connections are either surface level or fleeting, my life is based around constant learning and exploration of things I don't understand but I move on so quick and never dedicate myself to anything properly, and I very much need everything right now, the moment I want something I need to have it in that moment (more or less, I mean it knowledge wise too, like I have a need to learn a new language over night but obviously that's impossible)...and yeah if I don't have it, I collapse.

So I really think I lack some spiritual depth, and my brain is even more enabled by the fast society we live in haha, but most likely I have a predisposition for this mindset too...cause sometimes I really think I am the only one losing it around me (in this specific way, I do understand other ppl have issues I likely have no clue about but unlike me...everyone manages to live somehow through them..in my environment at least)

It has nothing to do with being spiritual, so don't beat yourself up over that. In fact, I'm not spiritual at all. However, there are still underlying moral truths behind most spiritual stories and quotes, which I do believe in. For example, I'm not a confucianist, but I think that his quote about failure is very much true. And my connections? Nonexistent ! Zero friends ever because of anxiety. But these things have nothing to do with the problem!

We are much alike, though I seem to be lazier and you seem to have it worse than me. At the very least, I understand where you're coming from. Is your mindset also like: "if I'm not the best at xyz, that means that there is someone who is better than me at xyz. If said person is better at xyz, why should I even try to improve at xyz, since I'll always be worse," which leads to: "What's the point of anything if I'm not the best at everything?" (Please correct me if I'm wrong). The thing that helped me get past this mindset is that, if everyone thought this way, nothing would work.

Take surgeons, for example. Say that there is a surgeon named Mr. Surgeon (great name, right?). Mr. Surgeon is a genius surgeon who can operate and treat any patient with a 100% success rate. If every other aspiring-surgeon assumed the aforementioned mindset, then no one else would become a surgeon because they'd always be outdone by Mr. Surgeon. And what would happen? Billions would die because there wouldn't be enough surgeons to operate on them all. No matter how great Mr. Surgeon is, he'll never be fast enough to be able to treat everyone.

As for knowledge, it's always great to have someone smarter than you, because that's how you learn in the first place. Think about your teachers at school. Since they're better than you in their field, they can teach you new things so that you can become as good as they are. That's how learning works. That's how knowledge works. Were you ashamed when your teacher taught you addition as a child? No. You were probably happy—or frustrated—when learning it. So why not assume that same mindset? Accept that there are people who are better than you in certain fields and learn from them. You may not be the best, but you can improve yourself, which is more than enough.

Even just take being a child. At age five, Mozart had already composed his first piece of music. At age five I was still picking my nose and playing with action figures. There's really nothing wrong with that. Most five-year-old children are like that. Mozart was a prodigy. Does this mean that five-year-old child that doesn't compose their first piece of music should be discarded? No. See how ridiculous that sounds?

I know that you said that you're able to realize that your thoughts are wrong, and that's a great start! I honestly think that you're too hard on yourself.
And that part about being the only one like this? Also entirely false. I'm like this, and used to be wayyy worse before I grounded myself.

Maybe (probably) nothing I said made any sense, but I hope some part did. As I said before, I know that being overly-critical can make life hell. I hope you're able to ground yourself like I did. And remember: progress is slow and not instant; don't get burned out and give up like I did when I tried learning all of Italian on Duolingo in the span of a week! Set realistic goals, reward yourself with even small improvements, and don't feel ashamed if you mess up!

You've got this!

 

[badatparties]

I'm a very idealistic person as well. I see flaws in everything and am very nit picky. I therefore can't enjoy anything, hence my desire to CTB.

 

[Waylander]

Ig we're very similar.

I also have the all-or-nothing mindset, I also cannot accept living or "moving on" if certain things I deem very important don't go the way I wanted.

The thing is, all the things I considered important, didn't go the way I wanted. I have a body that I absolutely hate, which ofc made me have a severe BDD. I also lost a full ride scholarship due to my mental health, was also studying abroad, and was hoping to use that to get away from my country permanently.

Now, you can imagine how having all my major "wants and desires" getting crushed feels like, it's a nightmare, and that's why I'm planning to CTB, can't force myself to accept a less of a life, I just can't.

Btw, did take meds and tried therapy for this, nothing worked, the heart wants what it wants ig, nothing will change that.

Damn, yeah, we are similar...I am not on scholarship bcs I am an EU student studying in a different EU country so the expenses aren't so bad..but yeah, my current suicide spiral is directly related to me failing some subjects which is hindering all my plans and ambitions I've had when I applied to my uni...(after I failed/switched from different one, though I switched majors too so it was worth it)...also struggled with body dysmorphia to an extent but I did my best to change my circumstances around that, and I am quite used to dissociation from my physical body anyway, my mind takes all the priority for me (like i have that crazy need to be the best, smartest in some things)

My life is dictated by my dreams, and goals, I have so many things I want to do, I know exactly what I wanna focus on later on...no one in my class is like this but they are all doing better than me anyway in the current classes because I constantly create issues for myself.

Btw, did take meds and tried therapy for this, nothing worked, the heart wants what it wants ig, nothing will change that.

Same here, in highschool they put me on antidepressants but that made no difference to me. Not even Xanax can calm me or alcohol for that matter. Like if I am in my depressive stage (meaning I wanna off myself, like i am not even tired of life of anything...my depression stage is literally: either i will succeed or I will kill myself) the ONLY thing that can make it go away is the issue I am experiencing being solved, in highschool it could have been something dumb like teacher letting me take a retake or smth (if it was an important test that decided my final grade, i didn't care about the small ones, i only cared about those affecting my future goals).

So yeah, our situations may differ in some aspects but I really do feel your pain.

It has nothing to do with being spiritual, so don't beat yourself up over that. In fact, I'm not spiritual at all. However, there are still underlying moral truths behind most spiritual stories and quotes, which I do believe in. For example, I'm not a confucianist, but I think that his quote about failure is very much true. And my connections? Nonexistent ! Zero friends ever because of anxiety. But these things have nothing to do with the problem!

We are much alike, though I seem to be lazier and you seem to have it worse than me. At the very least, I understand where you're coming from. Is your mindset also like: "if I'm not the best at xyz, that means that there is someone who is better than me at xyz. If said person is better at xyz, why should I even try to improve at xyz, since I'll always be worse," which leads to: "What's the point of anything if I'm not the best at everything?" (Please correct me if I'm wrong). The thing that helped me get past this mindset is that, if everyone thought this way, nothing would work.

Take surgeons, for example. Say that there is a surgeon named Mr. Surgeon (great name, right?). Mr. Surgeon is a genius surgeon who can operate and treat any patient with a 100% success rate. If every other aspiring-surgeon assumed the aforementioned mindset, then no one else would become a surgeon because they'd always be outdone by Mr. Surgeon. And what would happen? Billions would die because there wouldn't be enough surgeons to operate on them all. No matter how great Mr. Surgeon is, he'll never be fast enough to be able to treat everyone.

As for knowledge, it's always great to have someone smarter than you, because that's how you learn in the first place. Think about your teachers at school. Since they're better than you in their field, they can teach you new things so that you can become as good as they are. That's how learning works. That's how knowledge works. Were you ashamed when your teacher taught you addition as a child? No. You were probably happy—or frustrated—when learning it. So why not assume that same mindset? Accept that there are people who are better than you in certain fields and learn from them. You may not be the best, but you can improve yourself, which is more than enough.

Even just take being a child. At age five, Mozart had already composed his first piece of music. At age five I was still picking my nose and playing with action figures. There's really nothing wrong with that. Most five-year-old children are like that. Mozart was a prodigy. Does this mean that five-year-old child that doesn't compose their first piece of music should be discarded? No. See how ridiculous that sounds?

I know that you said that you're able to realize that your thoughts are wrong, and that's a great start! I honestly think that you're too hard on yourself.
And that part about being the only one like this? Also entirely false. I'm like this, and used to be wayyy worse before I grounded myself.

Maybe (probably) nothing I said made any sense, but I hope some part did. As I said before, I know that being overly-critical can make life hell. I hope you're able to ground yourself like I did. And remember: progress is slow and not instant; don't get burned out and give up like I did when I tried learning all of Italian on Duolingo in the span of a week! Set realistic goals, reward yourself with even small improvements, and don't feel ashamed if you mess up!

You've got this!

Thx for the support

My mindset is more like: This xyz really interests me --> I need to be the best at it ---> anytime I see someone better it hurts so I try to be even better...and if I am not I can kind of ignore it in most cases as long as my ultimate goal stays intact.

But yeah this part isn't all too bad, neither is the fact that i can't reach goals that are unrealistic. I am not self critical day to day. I only collapse when something completely derails my dreamt up life I am striving towards. The ultimate goal. Not the sidequests (I have many...).

Funny thing you mention teachers. I've aaaalways had troubles with authority of any kind but yeah teachers were and still are the bane of my existence. There were a few exceptions in my lifetime where the teacher is so chill I don't mind them...but most of the time, I cannot handle the power dynamic at all. I like to teach others and I like to teach myself...if there is an area I am interested in and my friend knows a lot about it I will even ask them to explain it to me without shame...but like in classroom situations, where the teacher always is supposed the one who knows more by default and is deemed to be the smartest person in the room I just cannot handle it. I mean I do handle it, I show up, do my duties...but I cannot bring myself to be active in class and if I have the option, I skip so that I can learn everything by myself without some mental block ...like i get nothing out of most classroom situations (unless the teacher is like friendly, chill, acts like we are on the same level and cares about the subject), I can't even focus properly, and I cannot, for the life of me ask for help (and I know how that hinders my success as well but i just can't help it, it makes me so uncomfortable on many levels every damn time, all my life...and i've been TrYing, it just feels sooo shit).

Anyway, I know it's all in my head, and if you struggled with the same mindset as I do then I am very impressed that you managed to ground yourself. All empty words for me I am afraid . I honestly don't think this is something that will change with age for me (i might not live up to that anyway ), maybe I will find more coping strategies but it really does feel like my brain is wired to be this way.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I have the same issue due to my narcissistic collapses and rejection sensitivity. It's important to realize that perfectionism and suicidal "overreaction" can develop in (beginning as) minor, unnoticeable ways. If your genome/lineage is prone to this type of thinking, even what feel like smaller stressors can trigger you to develop this coping mechanism.

For me, I end up throwing myself into daydreaming and art to avoid a collapse actually killing me. I sort of dissociate from the situation until I have a bit more grip on myself. I can see why that might not work for others though. And it doesn't stop it completely. I have to supplement with social support from others.

 

[HangMan123]

Damn, yeah, we are similar...I am not on scholarship bcs I am an EU student studying in a different EU country so the expenses aren't so bad..but yeah, my current suicide spiral is directly related to me failing some subjects which is hindering all my plans and ambitions I've had when I applied to my uni...(after I failed/switched from different one, though I switched majors too so it was worth it)...also struggled with body dysmorphia to an extent but I did my best to change my circumstances around that, and I am quite used to dissociation from my physical body anyway, my mind takes all the priority for me (like i have that crazy need to be the best, smartest in some things)

My life is dictated by my dreams, and goals, I have so many things I want to do, I know exactly what I wanna focus on later on...no one in my class is like this but they are all doing better than me anyway in the current classes because I constantly create issues for myself.


Same here, in highschool they put me on antidepressants but that made no difference to me. Not even Xanax can calm me or alcohol for that matter. Like if I am in my depressive stage (meaning I wanna off myself, like i am not even tired of life of anything...my depression stage is literally: either i will succeed or I will kill myself) the ONLY thing that can make it go away is the issue I am experiencing being solved, in highschool it could have been something dumb like teacher letting me take a retake or smth (if it was an important test that decided my final grade, i didn't care about the small ones, i only cared about those affecting my future goals).

So yeah, our situations may differ in some aspects but I really do feel your pain.

Thx for the support

My mindset is more like: This xyz really interests me --> I need to be the best at it ---> anytime I see someone better it hurts so I try to be even better...and if I am not I can kind of ignore it in most cases as long as my ultimate goal stays intact.

But yeah this part isn't all too bad, neither is the fact that i can't reach goals that are unrealistic. I am not self critical day to day. I only collapse when something completely derails my dreamt up life I am striving towards. The ultimate goal. Not the sidequests (I have many...).

Funny thing you mention teachers. I've aaaalways had troubles with authority of any kind but yeah teachers were and still are the bane of my existence. There were a few exceptions in my lifetime where the teacher is so chill I don't mind them...but most of the time, I cannot handle the power dynamic at all. I like to teach others and I like to teach myself...if there is an area I am interested in and my friend knows a lot about it I will even ask them to explain it to me without shame...but like in classroom situations, where the teacher always is supposed the one who knows more by default and is deemed to be the smartest person in the room I just cannot handle it. I mean I do handle it, I show up, do my duties...but I cannot bring myself to be active in class and if I have the option, I skip so that I can learn everything by myself without some mental block ...like i get nothing out of most classroom situations (unless the teacher is like friendly, chill, acts like we are on the same level and cares about the subject), I can't even focus properly, and I cannot, for the life of me ask for help (and I know how that hinders my success as well but i just can't help it, it makes me so uncomfortable on many levels every damn time, all my life...and i've been TrYing, it just feels sooo shit).

Anyway, I know it's all in my head, and if you struggled with the same mindset as I do then I am very impressed that you managed to ground yourself. All empty words for me I am afraid . I honestly don't think this is something that will change with age for me (i might not live up to that anyway ), maybe I will find more coping strategies but it really does feel like my brain is wired to be this way.

Haha. I feel the same way about some of my teachers. Either they are completely abhorrent or they are really great. The bad ones are on a power high over minors or young adults (how desperate can you be ), but I respect the ones who clearly care about their subject and know a lot about it.
Due to my anxiety, I also never ask for help .
And as for the last part, that's what neuroplasticity is for! Even if it doesn't work, I hope you have a good life and who knows, maybe you'll reach your "ultimate goal." Rooting for you!