I feel like a psycho...I have never been abused or went through anything traumatic. I am the only cause of my trauma and even though I can rationalise it, I cannot help it.
I can be fine for months but then when I start failing at something that I consider the ultimate gateway to my ultimate goal, my whole life loses meaning. Like big time. Literally. I cannot even put the emotion into words.
...but when it happens I go crazy and for my surroundings it must be confusing...that's the weird thing like sooo many things just don't affect me so I can be happy and normal for 5 months straight but then when I fail at something (I consider) major I do a complete 180. I stop sleeping, I stop eating, I start cutting myself, self medicating (overdosing) with what I can find, and plan my suicide. Depending whether the issue is solved within days then I go back to being normal again and having a normal happy social life...or it can go for weeks and it's bad. I think it's because I have no real sense of identity and my only sense of self is based on my goals and ambitions...
No one raised me to be this way. My parents had normal healthy expectations of me, no one bullied me at school, like I have no excuse to be this way, no valid reason.. I don't know what went wrong but it's never going away because I've been like this ever since I was a little kid. When I was a teenager and lived with my parents they had in their power to stop me from complete self destruction (and I was more careful with certain things bcs I didn't wanna impose I suppose, like i hate to be a nuisance to ppl, I need to be perfect at all times lmao)...but now that I live alone (I am in a foreign country studying uni) I might not survive this because there is no one to pull me out of this. I have friends but I am not that close with anyone (never have been, or I am just not used to sharing any of my problems anyhow), the thought of sharing this makes me uncomfortable and either way it never solves anything. My brain needs a solution to the problem, not comfort from someone trying to be nice because they like me.
The worst thing is no one really understands this either cause the things I wanna kill myself over are handled just fine by normal people. Like I am the epitome of overreaction in this. Therefore I deserve no sympathy, or I guess...everyone deserves some sympathy bcs we all struggle in different ways but no one ever understands how I truly feel (at least never met anyone like this, ever...i've seen ppl struggle with different things but never the same dumb shit I struggle with) because this behaviour is insane and not justifiable by any other reason than some underlying mental illness I was born with (even though my parents are completely normal, though my grandad has bipolar so there might be a link there somewhere).
I can be fine for months but then when I start failing at something that I consider the ultimate gateway to my ultimate goal, my whole life loses meaning. Like big time. Literally. I cannot even put the emotion into words.
...but when it happens I go crazy and for my surroundings it must be confusing...that's the weird thing like sooo many things just don't affect me so I can be happy and normal for 5 months straight but then when I fail at something (I consider) major I do a complete 180. I stop sleeping, I stop eating, I start cutting myself, self medicating (overdosing) with what I can find, and plan my suicide. Depending whether the issue is solved within days then I go back to being normal again and having a normal happy social life...or it can go for weeks and it's bad. I think it's because I have no real sense of identity and my only sense of self is based on my goals and ambitions...
No one raised me to be this way. My parents had normal healthy expectations of me, no one bullied me at school, like I have no excuse to be this way, no valid reason.. I don't know what went wrong but it's never going away because I've been like this ever since I was a little kid. When I was a teenager and lived with my parents they had in their power to stop me from complete self destruction (and I was more careful with certain things bcs I didn't wanna impose I suppose, like i hate to be a nuisance to ppl, I need to be perfect at all times lmao)...but now that I live alone (I am in a foreign country studying uni) I might not survive this because there is no one to pull me out of this. I have friends but I am not that close with anyone (never have been, or I am just not used to sharing any of my problems anyhow), the thought of sharing this makes me uncomfortable and either way it never solves anything. My brain needs a solution to the problem, not comfort from someone trying to be nice because they like me.
The worst thing is no one really understands this either cause the things I wanna kill myself over are handled just fine by normal people. Like I am the epitome of overreaction in this. Therefore I deserve no sympathy, or I guess...everyone deserves some sympathy bcs we all struggle in different ways but no one ever understands how I truly feel (at least never met anyone like this, ever...i've seen ppl struggle with different things but never the same dumb shit I struggle with) because this behaviour is insane and not justifiable by any other reason than some underlying mental illness I was born with (even though my parents are completely normal, though my grandad has bipolar so there might be a link there somewhere).
