Venting my very long negative yaps i wrote at 4am my time

[evrlastingsea]

i'm so sorry that this is just a very long rant about and me and uh kinda my situation just because i don't have anywhere else to share this :p

i didn't think i'll go back to this website again *not* as a guest. sure, i had an account a while ago. but due to some things, i feel very uncomfortable in that account. here i am. back to square one.

i consider myself kinda priviledged, but also my situation is never good. i am middle class, but i went to a better private uni, has some internship experiences, and on outside, everything probably looked fine. but i feel like every day spent as days goes on, the need to die grows very rapidly. i don't have any competitive drive, i don't have any passion anymore, i don't think anything is enjoyable at all. i pretend i enjoy games. drawing. and all. but nothing really works since all i do is just acting like i'm a proper functioning and slightly interesting human. it sucks, honestly. i used to at least have some passion in 'useless' stuff like games, or any medias at all even when i was suicidal as well back then. but in this past 2 years, i feel like i'm just larping everything lmaoo i can only pretend. i don't think anything i feel is truly genuine. i am actively spending the last money i have on my hand right now on useless stuff. since i know i'll die soon anyways.

i feel like i don't belong in this world. but i do love the world so much. i love humans, i love nature, i love human art. i adore it soo much it hurts for me being inside of this system so beautiful. even when i have friends, or someone i consider love, i'd rather be in the sideline. and most of the time, i always actively position myself as a side character no one would remember anyways when she's gone. now that i think about it as i write this, it sucks. it's sad. but that's just how i think is right for me. being in it just makes me feel so lost.

i forgot i was talking about me being priviledged. but now i am unemployed, and i don't feel the need or want to look for a job. i don't think anything is worth the energy when i'll die anyways. it's hard for me to move my body, or thrive to be a 'better' person, or climb a ladder i knew about and actively ignore. i can kinda draw, but the thought of drawing just hurts me. i can technically draw, and that's part of my identity for years. but, i don't have the creativity. my brain is just not for that, i can't. i am not creative, which is a key component to being an artist. and my whole life, i positioned myself as an artist. i go to art school, design uni, sells my work. but getting back to it knowing that my work is loveless, while a lot of other artist in this world is makinh a beautiful human art. or just be really creative.. it feels wrong and sickening for someone like me to pick up a pen at all. i was also planning to just not work and do commissions for income. but thinking of me drawing.. i actually puked from that. i puked from thinking about a human like me, drawing.

i keep trying to find the reason for me to live. i hate things like 'oh, live for yourself' or 'live for the people around you' because that is clearly not working on me. and i know i don't want to look for it for too long. I've been trying to find the reason why i need to live, or if it was worth it at all. i thought love would be my reason, for sure. but love only makes me want to leave for good even more! funny.

i keep finding something to make me want to live. i keep buying hobby stuff, i upgraded my setup, i hangout so much, i post on socials, i spend all my money. nothing. it's just tiring for me to act like i like it. well, i do like it. but not enough for me to want to live.

surely, human connections shouldn've worked. but i'm at that point where my depression had gone too bad that i accidentally don't have anyone at all! i feel like a beggar. i was so sure that at least being with someone i care about will give me a little push. just a little. but i feel like a beggar, asking 'when are you free?', waiting, like a dog. i don't know if anyone is actually enjoying being around me anymore, since i pushed everyone too much that i dont think i have anyone anymore. i used to. but not anymore. because everyone has their life. i'm the only one abandoning my life accidentally, and just lost now. Or, another case, when i hangout, i ended up being disappointed in myself that it's not doing anything to me wanting to kms right away. it's funny, no?

my only way of coping, which i can't really call a hobby is just liking idols. right now, the only thing keeping me going is just my stupid obsession with a j-idol that i keep spending my money to. unfortunately i also have to leave this coping method, since it's borderline /neg obsession and the boundaries has gotten too blurry.

i am very aware that this is stupid and im stupid. my thoughts is jusy very contradicting. but what can i do anymore. i tried so much

anyways, i picked a date already. I'm glad that in my country, sn is not too hard to get. i still have some from my planned attempt before. i probably don't have all the 'supporting' medications but oh well, if it's painful i'll just accept that pain. i'm just giving it a few months before i ctb.

because honestly i wanted to live. i really want to live if it's not because of my current situation and my mental condition. i want to love, get older, live my life. but i can't see any future for myself. i have been suicidal ever since i'm 14, i have actively been cutting myself since 15, finding peace in harming myself for 3 years, and now i'm way past 23. i keep giving it another chance, but it's getting harder and harder. i don't know if i can heal at all anymore. my mind feels like it's actively rotting and i can do nothing abouy it

now that i read everything, it's truly just a storytime full of rants #sorry. have a nice day everyone! or night!