AStruggle
a clinically depressed vidya connoisseur
- Feb 8, 2024
- 40
Hello to everyone.
I'm very new to all of this, never really was the one for telling stories, but I decided to join this site solely for this one thing - to let the shit out in it's fullest. English is not my first language, so go easy on me.
Last summer I was diagnosed with a mild to severe depressive episode. I've been working a prestigious job in IT as a software developer back then. Despite the good working conditions, understanding colleagues and a fairly high salary it's been really hard to keep up with the rest of the team. I always tried to be a good team member, working hard was always one of my top priorities, but, despite my best efforts I never could live up to my position. I tried and I tried, time and time again I tried to concentrate, keep up the healthy habits and optimism any way I could, but failed miserably every single time. In the end this led to me getting fired during the recent crisis in the sector.
To give this more context - back in 2022 I was forced out of my home country due to repressions by a dictatorship government and an ongoing war in neighbouring countries. My company helped me relocate some place safer and kept my job.
As it turned out, no amount of money, healthcare options and benefits were able to save my unstable mental and physical condition from spiraling down. The past two years were really stressful, but in the end it was the somewhat peaceful routine that left me completely miserable and my close ones absolutely confused in relation to my actions. The moment I realized that I can't force myself up in the morning, force myself to work anymore was the moment I decided to look for professional help.
All my conscious life I've been aware that something is not ok with me. I believe it all started back in 2015-2016. I was graduating middle school back then, the exams were approaching.I never had much interest in education, it all felt boring to me, and dealing with crazy people who were my teachers in school made me hate it completely.
I remember coming back from my exams, falling in bed and crying for an hour straight. In the end, the only thing that the school taught me is realization how shit the system is, how soulless and uninspired it is and how people are cruel to everyone else without even thinking about it. My teachers saw that I tried hard to keep up with all the classes, they saw that I wanted to make my grades better, but they never could look past the prejudice (or was it just plain cruelty?) so I ended up with a shitty grade that, despite all my efforts, wasn't enough for applying to any good college. They just never gave a shit. That was my first biggest revelation about how cruel and terrible the world is. My stepfather, who is a great dude, helped me find a paid college, and ended up working really hard to pay for the 4 year education there.
Long story short, the first year of college education drained all my energy. School environment and relations my classmates made me an outsider, but we found a common ground with some decent people I keep calling my friends to this day. At the end of the semester I'd lay down on a table and read manga instead of studying, then I came back home, ate junk food and watched anime till the dark falls. In the end teachers started to notice something is off, so they got in touch with my family.
One day I got a phonecall from my mother, she was furious and asked me to come to talk to my parent's place. I said ok, and on the way to their apartment I made a detour to some office building I remember visiting. I went up to the 20th or something floor and went out to the balcony. Tried to jump but never had the guts. That was my first attempt to ending it all.
I went down, came to my parents'. We talked everything out, I was still hopeless and suicidal, but this talk with my family helped me through the 1st semester.
The rest of the college was relatively easy. I finished it, and by the lucky turn of events got hired as a dev to the most prestigious company in my city.
Then my closest friend took his life. Hanged himself on a leather belt on some playground during the blizzard. Then the war happened. The rest you already know.
Right now I'm unemployed, I almost spent all my dismissal money on depression treatment and I'm kinda lost right now. I've been sitting at home, playing videogames and trying to get my life together piece by piece: to explore and find myself, to follow my passion, to assist my loved ones.
Life is kind of bittersweet now: my emotional and physical condition wobbles like a sine wave - up and down. One day I'm motivated, full of energy and joy about people around me, about the world, even despite all it's hopelessness, horrors and flaws. I feel like moving on, to see a better future for myself, my friends and family. Another day I'm in bed, agonizing, unable to get up, hating myself and every single thing and person around me, completely apathetic and anhedonic to everything. And wanting to just disappear from the face of the earth.
I have a roof, a somewhat comfortable working place, a loving family and the best girlfriend a guy like me could ever ask for. Most of the time these people are the only thing in this world that's keeping me from start acting upon my suicidal thoughts and that's where my dilemma lies - I love them too much and i know that they love me, so I don't want to deprive me of my presence, but at the same time I hate being myself because of the hopelessness, the misery and the weakness, I understand that's not a life I want to live.
This night I couldn't sleep at all, I had one of those depression attacks as I call them, when I would get the restless leg syndrome, hypoventilation and want to rip my skin off my body to set free. I came up with an idea that I'd make some money with the less effort I can, I'd give all of it to my family members and get myself a scuba mask and a nitrogen tank and just end it one day, but right now I don't even feel like I have the energy to do this all. So i decided to make an account and vent out.
Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate the interest you took. I understand that I probably sound like an asshole, and my life don't even seem so bad and hopeless compared to everyone else's, but trust me, it feels this way to me most of the time. I'm just really tired of pushing through and suppressing my feelings and emotions for 8 years straight, I don't even feel the hope of getting better anymore, because my emotional condition is constantly jumping all across the place like fucking ping pong, and I'm just really tired of being powerless all of my life. I may be lazy, I may be stupid and ungrateful, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
I don't expect people to support me, or comment this or anything else. But I hope you won't judge at least. I just hope that someone sees this and acknowledges me.
Thank you all.
I'm very new to all of this, never really was the one for telling stories, but I decided to join this site solely for this one thing - to let the shit out in it's fullest. English is not my first language, so go easy on me.
Last summer I was diagnosed with a mild to severe depressive episode. I've been working a prestigious job in IT as a software developer back then. Despite the good working conditions, understanding colleagues and a fairly high salary it's been really hard to keep up with the rest of the team. I always tried to be a good team member, working hard was always one of my top priorities, but, despite my best efforts I never could live up to my position. I tried and I tried, time and time again I tried to concentrate, keep up the healthy habits and optimism any way I could, but failed miserably every single time. In the end this led to me getting fired during the recent crisis in the sector.
To give this more context - back in 2022 I was forced out of my home country due to repressions by a dictatorship government and an ongoing war in neighbouring countries. My company helped me relocate some place safer and kept my job.
As it turned out, no amount of money, healthcare options and benefits were able to save my unstable mental and physical condition from spiraling down. The past two years were really stressful, but in the end it was the somewhat peaceful routine that left me completely miserable and my close ones absolutely confused in relation to my actions. The moment I realized that I can't force myself up in the morning, force myself to work anymore was the moment I decided to look for professional help.
All my conscious life I've been aware that something is not ok with me. I believe it all started back in 2015-2016. I was graduating middle school back then, the exams were approaching.I never had much interest in education, it all felt boring to me, and dealing with crazy people who were my teachers in school made me hate it completely.
I remember coming back from my exams, falling in bed and crying for an hour straight. In the end, the only thing that the school taught me is realization how shit the system is, how soulless and uninspired it is and how people are cruel to everyone else without even thinking about it. My teachers saw that I tried hard to keep up with all the classes, they saw that I wanted to make my grades better, but they never could look past the prejudice (or was it just plain cruelty?) so I ended up with a shitty grade that, despite all my efforts, wasn't enough for applying to any good college. They just never gave a shit. That was my first biggest revelation about how cruel and terrible the world is. My stepfather, who is a great dude, helped me find a paid college, and ended up working really hard to pay for the 4 year education there.
Long story short, the first year of college education drained all my energy. School environment and relations my classmates made me an outsider, but we found a common ground with some decent people I keep calling my friends to this day. At the end of the semester I'd lay down on a table and read manga instead of studying, then I came back home, ate junk food and watched anime till the dark falls. In the end teachers started to notice something is off, so they got in touch with my family.
One day I got a phonecall from my mother, she was furious and asked me to come to talk to my parent's place. I said ok, and on the way to their apartment I made a detour to some office building I remember visiting. I went up to the 20th or something floor and went out to the balcony. Tried to jump but never had the guts. That was my first attempt to ending it all.
I went down, came to my parents'. We talked everything out, I was still hopeless and suicidal, but this talk with my family helped me through the 1st semester.
The rest of the college was relatively easy. I finished it, and by the lucky turn of events got hired as a dev to the most prestigious company in my city.
Then my closest friend took his life. Hanged himself on a leather belt on some playground during the blizzard. Then the war happened. The rest you already know.
Right now I'm unemployed, I almost spent all my dismissal money on depression treatment and I'm kinda lost right now. I've been sitting at home, playing videogames and trying to get my life together piece by piece: to explore and find myself, to follow my passion, to assist my loved ones.
Life is kind of bittersweet now: my emotional and physical condition wobbles like a sine wave - up and down. One day I'm motivated, full of energy and joy about people around me, about the world, even despite all it's hopelessness, horrors and flaws. I feel like moving on, to see a better future for myself, my friends and family. Another day I'm in bed, agonizing, unable to get up, hating myself and every single thing and person around me, completely apathetic and anhedonic to everything. And wanting to just disappear from the face of the earth.
I have a roof, a somewhat comfortable working place, a loving family and the best girlfriend a guy like me could ever ask for. Most of the time these people are the only thing in this world that's keeping me from start acting upon my suicidal thoughts and that's where my dilemma lies - I love them too much and i know that they love me, so I don't want to deprive me of my presence, but at the same time I hate being myself because of the hopelessness, the misery and the weakness, I understand that's not a life I want to live.
This night I couldn't sleep at all, I had one of those depression attacks as I call them, when I would get the restless leg syndrome, hypoventilation and want to rip my skin off my body to set free. I came up with an idea that I'd make some money with the less effort I can, I'd give all of it to my family members and get myself a scuba mask and a nitrogen tank and just end it one day, but right now I don't even feel like I have the energy to do this all. So i decided to make an account and vent out.
Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate the interest you took. I understand that I probably sound like an asshole, and my life don't even seem so bad and hopeless compared to everyone else's, but trust me, it feels this way to me most of the time. I'm just really tired of pushing through and suppressing my feelings and emotions for 8 years straight, I don't even feel the hope of getting better anymore, because my emotional condition is constantly jumping all across the place like fucking ping pong, and I'm just really tired of being powerless all of my life. I may be lazy, I may be stupid and ungrateful, but it doesn't change the way I feel.
I don't expect people to support me, or comment this or anything else. But I hope you won't judge at least. I just hope that someone sees this and acknowledges me.
Thank you all.
