Grumpy Bear
People are poison
- Jul 21, 2021
- 150
It will be 43 days left as of tomorrow to be exact. My sadness overwhelms my fear of dying. I am glad my years of waiting are finally coming to a close. I feel very very lonely in these final days but I've felt that way much of my life. I try to tell myself that my loss of mobility was the final straw but really I believe it was the severity of the loneliness and disappointment. I have so much resentment for the abandonment. Oh how I wish I could be happy and have people to truly keep me company in my final days. The emotional hurt pains me physically. I am grateful I have a partner as I don't have to die alone. My mind is completely made up as this world has almost nothing to offer me. If I wake up from the SN I will redose until successful.
I don't think I'm going to bother with much of a note as I don't have really anyone to write to. The few I could write too weren't there for me and I can't blame them as I'm just complete trash. Is it selfish to not leave a note and think of myself in the end?
I told my ex about my upcoming CTB. She texted me a couple times back and then basically said "I've learned a long time ago I can't talk you out of things. I'm going watch anime now." I'm glad she knew not to talk me out of it. It hurts though that anime came before my comfort in my final days. Fucking anime for Christ sake. Proof that I am not wanted here anymore let alone loved.
Fear isn't much of an issue like I mentioned because I'm just so tired, sad, unloved and simply ready. I hope fear is still insignificant when my day comes even closer.
Other thoughts that resonate with me are many. I can't believe I lasted this long. I am amazed by the greed and cruelty of this world. I can't believe I made so many bad choices and the consequences finally became irrevocable. Despite my loneliness I wasn't left feeling alone with my emotions because I could relate to the SS community. SS is my home until I am in the endless void. I am convinced that I had a lot of potential and a good heart but something inside me turned me into a very poor decision maker. I wish this world offered more chances and more forgiveness. I really don't feel like anyone is genuine in this world. I hope for a planet that offers the future more opportunities and the future isn't drowned in psych medications.
My beliefs are that their is nothing after we leave this world and I hope this is the one thing I am right about. Their is no god. Their is very little hope for humanity.
I'm not valuable and this world isn't valuable to me. I can't wait to peace out.
I don't know, I guess I'm ranting. Just want my thoughts to be out in the SS community—my family. This is sorta my very early good bye to you all. I will continue to post my thoughts and feelings as the time comes even closer.
I appreciate those who actually read this post. To those who just skimmed through it I'm basically very lonely and just can't wait for the next 43 days to pass so I can find an end to suffering.
I don't think I'm going to bother with much of a note as I don't have really anyone to write to. The few I could write too weren't there for me and I can't blame them as I'm just complete trash. Is it selfish to not leave a note and think of myself in the end?
I told my ex about my upcoming CTB. She texted me a couple times back and then basically said "I've learned a long time ago I can't talk you out of things. I'm going watch anime now." I'm glad she knew not to talk me out of it. It hurts though that anime came before my comfort in my final days. Fucking anime for Christ sake. Proof that I am not wanted here anymore let alone loved.
Fear isn't much of an issue like I mentioned because I'm just so tired, sad, unloved and simply ready. I hope fear is still insignificant when my day comes even closer.
Other thoughts that resonate with me are many. I can't believe I lasted this long. I am amazed by the greed and cruelty of this world. I can't believe I made so many bad choices and the consequences finally became irrevocable. Despite my loneliness I wasn't left feeling alone with my emotions because I could relate to the SS community. SS is my home until I am in the endless void. I am convinced that I had a lot of potential and a good heart but something inside me turned me into a very poor decision maker. I wish this world offered more chances and more forgiveness. I really don't feel like anyone is genuine in this world. I hope for a planet that offers the future more opportunities and the future isn't drowned in psych medications.
My beliefs are that their is nothing after we leave this world and I hope this is the one thing I am right about. Their is no god. Their is very little hope for humanity.
I'm not valuable and this world isn't valuable to me. I can't wait to peace out.
I don't know, I guess I'm ranting. Just want my thoughts to be out in the SS community—my family. This is sorta my very early good bye to you all. I will continue to post my thoughts and feelings as the time comes even closer.
I appreciate those who actually read this post. To those who just skimmed through it I'm basically very lonely and just can't wait for the next 43 days to pass so I can find an end to suffering.
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