My thoughts rn. I'm in bed waiting for the storm within to calm.

[Livingvsdying25]

Im writing out how I feel bc shutdown is making it hard to speak.

Today I checked off all the boxes within living, self care, social and came up empty. A few shallow cuts on my hip. Thinking & looking up bridges.

Close to coming to an end with this. But I wanna fight for a life worth living. Day to Day that's not what's happening for me. Im in so much pain.

I am suicidal all the time. Im fighting a battle I wouldn't mind losing at this point. Im tired of this life of mine. Im not strong at all.

Soo.. To buy SN I needa settle my brain. Create a like alternative email. Buy bitcoins. Purchase. Itll take 2 weeks. I might not be able to take it or do it/drink it.

Hanging- not sure where could hold all my body weight but definitely leaning towards partial. Close/ researching to buy rope.

Jumping off a bridge- am aware of a few bridges but I'd need to research more as after 2021 bridges were no longer my method of choice. But for the sake of instant, reliability etc... im interested again. There isnt much choice in jumping. You do or you don't but once ya do u can't turn back. That used to scare me but it just another aspect to consider.


Don't wanna be defeatist or self limiting. But I really can't do this anymore.

In the end I'm not that strong. Dying is scary but it's looking better than life right now.

Push & Pull. Unbalanced views. Inner fight that's constant. Always shifting.

One could say the fight is a sign of strength but I'm starting to see it as weakness and pathetic.

CBD hitting so now im jus hungry & sad/low. Instead of frozen, drowning, desperate etc.

Not ok but this is better than nothing.

 

[MrDarkness]

Hey bro, when you pass I'll make sure to remember you, I've been on this forum for awhile, I usually look forward to your posts idk maybe it brings me peace I can relate, when you do pass I'll miss you, but I'll cya soon lol

 

[strawb12]

I hope you can come to terms with a method. You're life sounds aweful & I'd be past the point of no return if I was in your position. I hope you can either find peace in you're decision whatever you decide on. Also side note but buying SN isn't as difficult as I think you might think it is.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I always feel for you when I see your posts and how much pain you are in, here if you need to talk. I don't know what else to say...just wish I could do something.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Im writing out how I feel bc shutdown is making it hard to speak.

Today I checked off all the boxes within living, self care, social and came up empty. A few shallow cuts on my hip. Thinking & looking up bridges.

Close to coming to an end with this. But I wanna fight for a life worth living. Day to Day that's not what's happening for me. Im in so much pain.

I am suicidal all the time. Im fighting a battle I wouldn't mind losing at this point. Im tired of this life of mine. Im not strong at all.

Soo.. To buy SN I needa settle my brain. Create a like alternative email. Buy bitcoins. Purchase. Itll take 2 weeks. I might not be able to take it or do it/drink it.

Hanging- not sure where could hold all my body weight but definitely leaning towards partial. Close/ researching to buy rope.

Jumping off a bridge- am aware of a few bridges but I'd need to research more as after 2021 bridges were no longer my method of choice. But for the sake of instant, reliability etc... im interested again. There isnt much choice in jumping. You do or you don't but once ya do u can't turn back. That used to scare me but it just another aspect to consider.


Don't wanna be defeatist or self limiting. But I really can't do this anymore.

In the end I'm not that strong. Dying is scary but it's looking better than life right now.

Push & Pull. Unbalanced views. Inner fight that's constant. Always shifting.

One could say the fight is a sign of strength but I'm starting to see it as weakness and pathetic.

CBD hitting so now im jus hungry & sad/low. Instead of frozen, drowning, desperate etc.

Not ok but this is better than nothing.

Thnxxxx for the responses. Can't reply individually rn.

Im close to entering my 4th nervous breakdown. Had like 3 in the last 2-3 months.

Can tell bc I get all shaky, dissociated while here/present, I feel glitchy... that kinda thing...

Im tryna focus on what ima eat for dinner to get by but...

Kinda making it worse....


Have a med that helps so maybe its not a nervous breakdown but emotional flashback or both???


Anyway... I just... want life so bad I've worked so hard to get to where I am. I don't wanna just givr up. Then I also have feelings of wanting the hardships to be over. But ik how hard death is and Ik I have so much to live for.

It's been a constant fight.... ugh... its tiring... not getting better either.

Im not open to antidepressants I've tried like 5? Or so. They never helped.

I would be open to microdosing shrooms and ik where to get em. Im sure I could find a therapist that specializes in it...


I'm ready to give up but im also ready to keep fighting if it just gets a little easier. A little more possible. A little less painful.

I can't live when my brain & body are cloaked in suicide and wanting to die so much. I cannot live with this level of suicidality.

So I'm struggling with the decision of tryna change it or just going through with it and dying. Ik I'll struggle to actually execute a plan. Ik myself this much....


Someone/local friend is coming. Im not sure if theres anything she can do as I'm starting to get glitchy. Like stuttering in speech & thought.

I usually ride out these level of waves alone. I've never shared this but... yeah... the emotional flashbacks get intense and have for awhile. Once I thought I was losing it in ways. I just get by alone with this tho so im sure I'll be ok. Not really but... nvm... I don't needa pretend here.

These kinda nights kill a part of me. I've been being murdered by myself & CPTSD slowly.

 

[MrDarkness]

Hey I hope your able to find peace in life or death, life is a coin toss it can either be good or so bad we wish to die, I'm tired of chances of life, I hope your breakdown is at least semi easy on you. Best of luck if you need to chat my dms are always open

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Thnxxxx for the responses. Can't reply individually rn.

Im close to entering my 4th nervous breakdown. Had like 3 in the last 2-3 months.

Can tell bc I get all shaky, dissociated while here/present, I feel glitchy... that kinda thing...

Im tryna focus on what ima eat for dinner to get by but...

Kinda making it worse....


Have a med that helps so maybe its not a nervous breakdown but emotional flashback or both???


Anyway... I just... want life so bad I've worked so hard to get to where I am. I don't wanna just givr up. Then I also have feelings of wanting the hardships to be over. But ik how hard death is and Ik I have so much to live for.

It's been a constant fight.... ugh... its tiring... not getting better either.

Im not open to antidepressants I've tried like 5? Or so. They never helped.

I would be open to microdosing shrooms and ik where to get em. Im sure I could find a therapist that specializes in it...


I'm ready to give up but im also ready to keep fighting if it just gets a little easier. A little more possible. A little less painful.

I can't live when my brain & body are cloaked in suicide and wanting to die so much. I cannot live with this level of suicidality.

So I'm struggling with the decision of tryna change it or just going through with it and dying. Ik I'll struggle to actually execute a plan. Ik myself this much....


Someone/local friend is coming. Im not sure if theres anything she can do as I'm starting to get glitchy. Like stuttering in speech & thought.

I usually ride out these level of waves alone. I've never shared this but... yeah... the emotional flashbacks get intense and have for awhile. Once I thought I was losing it in ways. I just get by alone with this tho so im sure I'll be ok. Not really but... nvm... I don't needa pretend here.

These kinda nights kill a part of me. I've been being murdered by myself & CPTSD slowly.

Friend came and left. Was nice but also embarrassing to be seen like this. Was hard to speak so shared writing. Shes gonna come by tmrw... which.. again I dunno how I feel about that...

Like its nice but having a tmrw guaranteed is likee awful feeling tbh... made me wanna jump on a bridge but grateful for support...

Jus feel disconnected as a human.. these next few hours will be a test.. can't eat yet but took more CBD and gonna keep hydrated. Gonna listen to music and allow myself to dissociate I hope I will be able to calm body.

The breakdown is right underneath rn.

Def emotional flashback related bc drowning in shame... but aware.

Im jus tryna survive tonight. To get to a decent end or keeping on but dying is looking more optimal for obv reasons.


Honestly hate myself rn and ashamed of that. It's a spiral that hopefully won't go too deep today.


Gonna try to daydream to regulate myself but can't go too deep. My daydreams are like a safe place for my living goals,aspirations,hope etc.. so def can't go into anything too deep...

Anyway doing that now... really hope it isn't too bad tonight.

Thnx for the support everyone.