Hey guys, I just wanted to post on here to get down some of my thoughts on my situation and why I'm considering taking my life soon, let me know if any of this resonates with you.
I don't know why it happened, but something essentially went wrong with my brain at a very early age. From the age of 3 or 4 I developed this insanely irrational and strong negative energy/hatred towards my Dad (and with it there's some oedipal stuff around my mother) and no matter what therapy or inner work I try, I just can't let it go. Because of this, I have experienced a complete blockage of all my emotions to the point where I just feel like a hollow zombie walking the earth. My mother died over 10 years ago and I'm yet to grieve.
I tried taking my own life earlier this year (hanging by a belt but it was unsuccessful as the buckle broke) and after continuing for another few months trying in vain to find a way to resolve my issue, I feel like I've finally reached the end of the road. I don't particularly hate myself, I want myself to overcome this but at the same time there's this weird self-sabotage thing embedded in my brain that basically doesn't want me to be happy.
Every therapy I try is destined to fail because deep down I just don't want to be happy and I don't know why I'm like this. Because of all of this, and the experiences I've had (especially recently), it's made me believe there's something more at play. I'm not a particularly spiritual person or believe in the supernatural or paranormal, but the way my brain is wired just isn't normal.
Alas, living is torture on an all most daily basis (given the posts I've read on here, I'm sure you can all concur with that). And because all my emotions are blocked, it's actually very difficult to pluck up the courage to go through with ending my life. The survival instinct is VERY strong. I'm deathly afraid of heights and along with it, the guilt of hurting those closest to me by leaving (especially my Dad as he's already lost my Mum) is crippling.
Until very recently I didn't think there was a method by which there wasn't a strong risk of failing and leaving me with life altering injuries. I did think about the suffocation via No2 method but I read if someone interrupted you mid attempt, you would be left with permanent brain damage. I still to some degree enjoy things like playing football (soccer) and video games so wanted something, that if it failed would mean I could still enjoy those things after.
The other week on the way home from playing a football game, I was in a particularly bad way and said out loud (I'm not a particular believer in God but obviously desperation makes you do irrational things lol) 'please God, I can't take this anymore, either give me a solution or let me go home'.
The very next day I stumble on this website and find the SN method which is seemingly very effective and reading some of the reports of people who survived, has a low risk of long-term damage. I've had some rather strange synchronicities over the past year or so (synchronicities which I thought were guiding me towards a resolution) but this felt pretty damning, like it was the universe's way of saying 'sorry bud, I don't think we can help you, here's a way you can go home that's relatively pain free'.
I actually have one business related question that I wanted ask, I was wondering if anyone could kindly answer it:
I have a small UK based company with one employee. I know that if I were to die, the employee would be able to carry on running the business in some capacity. His livelihood depends on my business and he loves his job, so wouldn't do anything until I'd ensure he could carry on in his role. Is there some way I could make it so the business could be passed onto him? I was thinking if I made him a director of the company and told him 'my accountant suggested doing this for tax reasons' or something, would that automatically mean he'd inherit the company?
So that's pretty much it. I've read some of the stories on here and I have to say my heart goes out to each and every one of you. Life has been abject hell for me but it's clear to say that I'm not the only one going through it. Suicide should be the ultimate last resort option, so here's hoping that you find a better alternative before ctb.
I don't know why it happened, but something essentially went wrong with my brain at a very early age. From the age of 3 or 4 I developed this insanely irrational and strong negative energy/hatred towards my Dad (and with it there's some oedipal stuff around my mother) and no matter what therapy or inner work I try, I just can't let it go. Because of this, I have experienced a complete blockage of all my emotions to the point where I just feel like a hollow zombie walking the earth. My mother died over 10 years ago and I'm yet to grieve.
I tried taking my own life earlier this year (hanging by a belt but it was unsuccessful as the buckle broke) and after continuing for another few months trying in vain to find a way to resolve my issue, I feel like I've finally reached the end of the road. I don't particularly hate myself, I want myself to overcome this but at the same time there's this weird self-sabotage thing embedded in my brain that basically doesn't want me to be happy.
Every therapy I try is destined to fail because deep down I just don't want to be happy and I don't know why I'm like this. Because of all of this, and the experiences I've had (especially recently), it's made me believe there's something more at play. I'm not a particularly spiritual person or believe in the supernatural or paranormal, but the way my brain is wired just isn't normal.
Alas, living is torture on an all most daily basis (given the posts I've read on here, I'm sure you can all concur with that). And because all my emotions are blocked, it's actually very difficult to pluck up the courage to go through with ending my life. The survival instinct is VERY strong. I'm deathly afraid of heights and along with it, the guilt of hurting those closest to me by leaving (especially my Dad as he's already lost my Mum) is crippling.
Until very recently I didn't think there was a method by which there wasn't a strong risk of failing and leaving me with life altering injuries. I did think about the suffocation via No2 method but I read if someone interrupted you mid attempt, you would be left with permanent brain damage. I still to some degree enjoy things like playing football (soccer) and video games so wanted something, that if it failed would mean I could still enjoy those things after.
The other week on the way home from playing a football game, I was in a particularly bad way and said out loud (I'm not a particular believer in God but obviously desperation makes you do irrational things lol) 'please God, I can't take this anymore, either give me a solution or let me go home'.
The very next day I stumble on this website and find the SN method which is seemingly very effective and reading some of the reports of people who survived, has a low risk of long-term damage. I've had some rather strange synchronicities over the past year or so (synchronicities which I thought were guiding me towards a resolution) but this felt pretty damning, like it was the universe's way of saying 'sorry bud, I don't think we can help you, here's a way you can go home that's relatively pain free'.
I actually have one business related question that I wanted ask, I was wondering if anyone could kindly answer it:
I have a small UK based company with one employee. I know that if I were to die, the employee would be able to carry on running the business in some capacity. His livelihood depends on my business and he loves his job, so wouldn't do anything until I'd ensure he could carry on in his role. Is there some way I could make it so the business could be passed onto him? I was thinking if I made him a director of the company and told him 'my accountant suggested doing this for tax reasons' or something, would that automatically mean he'd inherit the company?
So that's pretty much it. I've read some of the stories on here and I have to say my heart goes out to each and every one of you. Life has been abject hell for me but it's clear to say that I'm not the only one going through it. Suicide should be the ultimate last resort option, so here's hoping that you find a better alternative before ctb.
