My therapist praised me for being so introspective and reflective (I am so thankful for this forum.)

[noname223]

I have read this from a suicide forum scientist. And she was damn right about it. Writing in such a suicide forum about your thoughts and feelings can have a therapeutic effect. This absolutely fits my experience. Today my therapist told me he is very proud about my ability to reflect about my mental state. This is not easy. In contrast this is very difficult. His words are true. It is very important to reflect about my illness in order to stay stable. Getting feedback in this forum really helps. For example someone told me I seem to be quite paranoid in a specific case and she was right about it. I talked with my psychiatrist about it and this feedback really helped to decrease the delusion.

The media keeps quiet about such positive effects. I bet noone will write something about this in their biased "death cult" articles.

I have a kind of weird strategy to avoid getting manic. It is really difficult. Many things increase my mania. For example if I listen to the wrong music. I do quite the contrary. I listen to kind of sad music (Linkin Park) and I am thinking for example about Chester. I write in this forum which helps me to see the huge devastating consequences if I get manic again. Many in my bipolar self-help group want to get manic again. But when I am introspective and rational about my feelings I see that this way is deadly.

I think nothing of this will save me in the end. But I try to play the cards which I have been dealt the best way that I can.
I am thinking about my depression and remind me of this unbelievable negative repercussions in case get manic again. Getting manic is an unbelievable amazing feeling. It feels so unbelievable good. But getting manic works only short-term. I think I gonna kill myself after my next mania. Thinking about this fact warns me to be careful with it. I have heard many bipolar people say they have a demand to get manic again. They crave for it. Some don't even have the ability to reflect and don't see mania incoming. It is in fact a very difficult thing to do. But this forum really helps me to do it.

Yeah media why don't you report about this in your unbalanced articles.

I wanted to post this in suicide discussion. Not sure about it. I don't really feel like recovery. I am thinking a lot about suicide lately. Because I have tremendously fear of failure. I am extremely anxious on many different levels. This fear eats me alive. But this forum is not the reason for it. Instead this forum helps me rather to deal with it better. It is really an important coping ability for me.

It is a necessity to think about the consequences of my actions in order to stay stable. Otherwise it would not work I know that. I have tried it. At the same time it is a huge pressure on my shoulders to know that if things go wrong I have to kill myself soon.
However it is important for me to state that this forum would not be the reason for my suicide. I think I might would be so desperate to jump in front of a train if I had no peaceful means. The pressure would be exactly the same. Even if this forum did not exist. My life is just a bunch of repetitions. I can really well say which variable influences me in which direction. So if I die I would never ever blame this forum. And if my family would blame this forum they would be the morons which they simply are. (They abused me as a child for like a decade.) I have absolutely no interest to have my face on youtube saying I was victim of a suicide death cult. I am pro-choice this would make so unbelievable angry if someone did that. Just to gain some bucks/clicks with a tragic story.

 

[Julgran]

I have read this from a suicide forum scientist. And she was damn right about it. Writing in such a suicide forum about your thoughts and feelings can have a therapeutic effect. This absolutely fits my experience. Today my therapist told me he is very proud about my ability to reflect about my mental state. This is not easy. In contrast this is very difficult. His words are true. It is very important to reflect about my illness in order to stay stable. Getting feedback in this forum really helps. For example someone told me I seem to be quite paranoid in a specific case and she was right about it. I talked with my psychiatrist about it and this feedback really helped to decrease the delusion.

The media keeps quiet about such positive effects. I bet noone will write something about this in their biased "death cult" articles.

I have a kind of weird strategy to avoid getting manic. It is really difficult. Many things increase my mania. For example if I listen to the wrong music. I do quite the contrary. I listen to kind of sad music (Linkin Park) and I am thinking for example about Chester. I write in this forum which helps me to see the huge devastating consequences if I get manic again. Many in my bipolar self-help group want to get manic again. But when I am introspective and rational about my feelings I see that this way is deadly.

I think nothing of this will save me in the end. But I try to play the cards which I have been dealt the best way that I can.
I am thinking about my depression and remind me of this unbelievable negative repercussions in case get manic again. Getting manic is an unbelievable amazing feeling. It feels so unbelievable good. But getting manic works only short-term. I think I gonna kill myself after my next mania. Thinking about this fact warns me to be careful with it. I have heard many bipolar people say they have a demand to get manic again. They crave for it. Some don't even have the ability to reflect and don't see mania incoming. It is in fact a very difficult thing to do. But this forum really helps me to do it.

Yeah media why don't you report about this in your unbalanced articles.

I wanted to post this in suicide discussion. Not sure about it. I don't really feel like recovery. I am thinking a lot about suicide lately. Because I have tremendously fear of failure. I am extremely anxious on many different levels. This fear eats me alive. But this forum is not the reason for it. Instead this forum helps me rather to deal with it better. It is really an important coping ability for me.

It is a necessity to think about the consequences of my actions in order to stay stable. Otherwise it would not work I know that. I have tried it. At the same time it is a huge pressure on my shoulders to know that if things go wrong I have to kill myself soon.
However it is important for me to state that this forum would not be the reason for my suicide. I think I might would be so desperate to jump in front of a train if I had no peaceful means. The pressure would be exactly the same. Even if this forum did not exist. My life is just a bunch of repetitions. I can really well say which variable influences me in which direction. So if I die I would never ever blame this forum. And if my family would blame this forum they would be the morons which they simply are. (They abused me as a child for like a decade.) I have absolutely no interest to have my face on youtube saying I was victim of a suicide death cult. I am pro-choice this would make so unbelievable angry if someone did that. Just to gain some bucks/clicks with a tragic story.

Just out of curiosity, can you induce mania yourself, and in so doing, make yourself feel better temporarily? I see that you think that being manic has devastating consequences - what are those? Do you get into a state that's dangerous to your surroundings?

If you can induce mania, can you also prevent it? If you can prevent it, do you see yourself living happily, somehow, without it?

 

[noname223]

Yes in theory I pretty much know how to induce mania. I once did it accidentaly (for example taking a too high dosage of specific antidepressants and a lot of stress) Another time I kind of wanted to induce it. But in the last second I wanted to stop the process which ended in a mixed manic-depressive state. This was extreme extreme torture. When I Was with my friends I had to talk without any break about the pain I felt. Though this state ended after several months. It is not exactly known why. I suspect my new medication Lamotrigine helped to decrease the pain. (The psychiatrist in clinic did not want to give it to me, I insisted on it) and I felt after 2 days better. It is not 100% if there is a causal relation to this. Time will tell. I tried to stop the Lamotrigine and when I did that I felt extremely suicidal/depressed again.

The mixed-manic episode felt like torture. I Was extremely agitated and I always had severe psychosomatic pain. Not many bipolar people have it. But there was pain in my legs and it felt like something tears me in two parts. It was unbelievable pain. Absolutely nothing helped against it. Only when I slept I did not feel it.

But this pain was even worse after my psychosis. The cycle goes as following usually. Mania, psychosis and then extreme severe depression. The state in which I was after my last mania/psychosis was etxtremely horrible. I had unbelievable extreme pain in my legs. Of course on top of all the mental torture. Extremely strong depression. It is said that many bipolar depressions are wore than unipolar depressions. But of course this does not alwas count. There are always exceptions.

For me I have a very unusual bipolar disorder. My mania lasts way longer than other people's. My first mania lasted 3 years but also had depressive elements. The other one lasted 1 year and it was by far the best time of my life. It was so amazing. I had great self-esteem, had huge success as a student. But I stopped medication (many bipolar do dangerous things) I did not know I was manic. And soon I developed a psychosis.

In theory if I took my medication. I think I might would be able to prolong a manic episode 3 years long. But this is just my calculation. It would be the best time of my life. The feelings of being manic is wonderful. Especially if you take meds that lower the mania a little bit because extreme mania is very exhausting. Yeah I could probably do that and experience the best time of my life. However this psychosomatic pain would most likely return. On the other hand the Lamotrigine might could prevent it. In my opinion it would be a way too dangerous experiment. I think I gonna kill myself when the pain returns.

On the other hand I started to dislike mania when I think rational about it. Noone in my self-help group understands that. Mania is kind of loss of control and I am a huge control freak with a lot of OCD. I like to be more thoughtful and reflective. If I could choose between a normal state and forever mania I would choose the normal state. I think when I was manic I could never find a gf because I am kind of out of control. I tend to do extreme patterns of behavior. I like my life more balanced. On the other with the low self-esteem that I have now I also will never get a gf.

Sorry the answer is so long.